...wow. I'm just glad to get this piece of crap DONE. I'm really not happy with it at all... but hey, I'm posting it anyway. Yay for you. You get to read a crappy fic.

It was actually based off of something that happened to me. Ain't life grand?

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go and the characters within do not belong to me.

Update 2/28/04: This... will be turned into a doujinshi by me and Asuryal. So, I changed a couple of things in the fic to make it less stupid. Yah.



"I think... I think I... love you."

Those words. Those simple, stupid words that had begun it all. He had felt so weak and nervous that day, so naked, finally exposing his secret after all that time. And Hikaru had just smiled at him, that sweet, sweet smile that had won the hearts of so many, and just reached out to ruffle Akira's hair and said, "I'm flattered you think of me that way."

Things had never been the same between them.

Akira had been so happy for those scant few weeks. He could never remember having felt so free, so... new. It was as if he'd been reborn. He'd never known a happiness like this... but Shindou had been his first love, and everything was like a new sensation- the touches, the whispers, the smiles just for him.

Akira sat on his bed, curled up, arms wrapped around his knees, head down. He hadn't moved at all since he had woken an hour ago, screaming, tears in his eyes as he broke away from the last threads of the nightmare. Now, he was still and quiet, breathing evenly. Shindou. His head came up slowly, showing eyes reddened by crying and not enough sleep. Shindou.

Waves crashing on the shore, birds crying over the whistling of the wind. Akira pushed his bangs out of his eyes and squinted against the sun at Hikaru as the boy ran along the beach. He turned and waved. "Come on, Touya, the water's great!"

Akira wasn't a water person, but he had followed Shindou hesitantly, skirting the waves lapping at his heels, dodging the occasional jellyfish. He had been so busy avoiding the stupid things that he hadn't noticed that Hikaru had stopped and ran straight into him. Shaking his head a little, he began, "Shindou, what...?

But Hikaru had straightened up and held out his hand. "For you, Touya! Isn't it pretty?" He grinned as the pearly white shell he held glinted in the sun. And Akira had taken the shell, taken it and kept it, as a memento of that perfect day.

He still had it. He kept that shell, after all that had happened. His fingers reached out to touch the shell sitting on the table beside his bed, curled around it, lifted it. Why? Akira thought as he pressed the shell to his lips. Oh, Shindou, why?

"Ramen... Shindou, why is it always ramen with you?" Akira laughed. Shindou had given him a wounded look. "I happen to like ramen! There are so many different varieties and..."

"Stop." Akira held up a hand. "Stop right there. I don't want to hear about ramen." But he had grinned at Hikaru, and Hikaru had returned the grin with a laugh, until Akira joined in and people in the restaurant were starting to look at them.

Ramen. Just the thought of the food brought a sour taste to Akira's mouth. Ramen had been the reason all this had happened... well... not entirely, but it had been a factor.

Without him noticing, Akira's fingers twined around his wrist, the nails digging into the soft flesh of his underarm until blood began to seep out from under them. He didn't even feel it until his arm itched, and Touya looked down to see blood running down his arm from four crescent-shaped cuts on his wrist.

He closed his eyes and licked the wounds clean.

He had decided to try it. Try ramen, just one time, to see if he could surprise Shindou by actually ordering it. He'd come alone this time, choosing a darker corner of the restaurant to sit in. And he'd ordered, and sat back, and waited for his food, scanning the place unthinkingly as he did so.

And he had seen them.

Shindou. Shindou and... that girl. What was her name- Fujisaki. Fujisaki Akari. Sitting together. That wasn't bad in itself- they were childhood friends, after all- but... childhood friends, as far as Akira knew, didn't share the same bowl of ramen. Akira had felt his heart skip a beat, skip several beats... and then begin to race, hammering against his ribcage until he thought it might burst, as Shindou had leaned over to kiss Fujisaki.

A kind of numbness had spread over his whole body then. No, he and Shindou were never a couple, but the way he had acted... did Akira mean nothing to him? He had thought... thought that maybe... they had something...

And as he saw Hikaru lean over to ruffle Akari's hair in an all-too-familiar gesture, he felt something die inside him.

Akira's fingers clenched around the white shell still clutched in his hand. Shindou. When I confronted you, you said I was important to you, but you just liked Akari more. His hand came up. You never loved me, did you? And the sad thing is... I should hate you... but... I don't. I still love you.


Touya suddenly threw the shell at the wall as hard as he could, and it shattered in a silent explosion. And then he was crying, burying his head in his arms, tears mingling with the blood that still flowed from his wrist, bringing sharp pain where they touched the cuts, pain that Touya welcomed and relished.

Why? Why did you lead me on? You said it was because you didn't want to hurt me, but oh, God, you could never have known how much I hurt now.

Akira got to his feet, still mostly blinded by tears, and began to gather up the tiny shards of shell on the floor. They cut his hands, but he didn't care; he was past feeling physical pain. He held them to his chest, sobbing, as he tightened his fist a little and the sharp pieces dug into his hand. Shindou. You walked into my life that day so many years ago and I was never the same. And now... you are walking out.

And I will never be whole again.