A/N: It's my first BtVS fic, and first non-anime fic. So cut me some slack. Reviews! Please!
Jenny Evelyn Summers' List of Things that Suck
10. Being 14
9. Not having a boyfriend
8. Going to a high school where freaky things always happen
7. Having way too many "relatives"
6. Having a best friend who is prettier than you
5. Above friend has a great talent
4. Having your mother work at your school
3. Having to spend unnatural amounts of time with your parent's freaky friends
2. Being named after your mother's old guy friend's dead girlfriend
And the NUMBER 1 thing that sucks:
I'll explain the things that suck later. Don't worry. But now, I want to map out my "family". Because if I don't get it down on paper, I'll never figure it out. And probably still won't but, hey, I haven't got better stuff to do. Besides, I might need this someday when the court asks to what do I account my insanity to. So let's try this. By the by, everyone referred to as "Aunt" or "Uncle" isn't really my aunt or uncle. My parent's are both only children. They're people who are too close to be called "Mr." Or "Ms.", but need more than a first name for some authority.
People they try to treat like family but really aren't
(My Godfathers, Yes. I have more than one. Deal with it.)
Godfather #1: Xander Harris. Lives with girlfriend, Anya. That's right. Just "Anya". Who is not, by the way, a godmother. He's fairly geeky. He loves Superman comic books and makes really bad jokes that most people don't get. He's one of my mom's friends from high school. Great. However, Uncle Xander buys very good presents. When Anya isn't spending all his money. Godfather rating: 5 out of 10
Godfather #2: Angel. Yes, another one word-er. And don't you just feel sorry for the poor guy now? I mean, "Angel"? Somebody had a bitter mother. Anyway, Uncle Angel is my dark and brooding godfather. He is like, Champion Brooder of the Universe. When he gets going, every single part of the guy righteously droops. Except his hair, of course. Uncle Angel wears more hair gel than most of the boys at my school do. And he's, like, old. Not that he looks it. They say he's a really old friend of my dad, but they bicker like hell. So maybe somebody isn't telling me everything. Surprise, surprise. Anyway, when Uncle Angel comes over, I always get to learn wonderful new British words from my dad. I'll give him credit for that. Godfather rating: 6 out of 10
Godfather #3: Rupert Giles. Is the old guy mentioned above, the one who's dead girlfriend I'm named after. Can you say creepy? Uncle Giles, as everyone calls him, is the King of Tweed. I have never seen him not wearing a tweed suit. He also polishes his glasses whenever the conversation starts to get tense. Or embarrassing. Which means his lenses are probably worn paper thin every time Anya comes over. But more on that later. Uncle Giles loves old, dusty, boring books. Godfather rating: 2 out of 10
Godmother #1: Willow Rosenberg. Aunt Willow is cool. She likes computers, is a Wicca, and is gay. She lives with her girlfriend, Faith. I'll tell you about Faith later. But she's not a godmother. Aunt Willow is usually really fun, but she gets flustered and babbles which can be really annoying. She had the Goddess bless my backpack, which is really funky. Godmother rating: 8 out of 10
Godmother #2: Drusilla. Why do all these people have just one word names? Anyway, supposedly this "Aunt Drusilla" is a godmother of mine, but I've never met her. She and Dad were friends. From what I've heard, okay, eavesdropped, Mom didn't want to include her, but Dad "persuaded" her. Gross images, eww, eww, eww. Godmother rating: n/a
Faith: Faith, as mentioned, is Aunt Willow's girlfriend. And another one word lady. Apparently she had a lot of boyfriends in her day. Very short relationships. Translation: Queen of One-night Stands. Her current (and longest) boyfriend, who incidentally, will be discussed later, took her to a shrink to look at her relationship issues. Turns out the reason she couldn't form a proper relationship with a man was, surprise, surprise! She was gay. So she talked to Aunt Willow, her only gay friend and…the rest is, shall we say, the present. Now, after all that back story: Faith is so totally cool. She has the hottest clothes and the best sense of fun! She loves to party and hang out and she takes me to the Bronze every Friday. Everybody thinks she's like, my college friend, not my godmother's girlfriend. Faith rocks.
Andrew: He isn't a "one-word-wonder", I just don't know his last name. I try to avoid Andrew. He is a geek to the extreme, even Uncle Xander gets freaked out by the magnitude of his geekiness. He also has a strange obsession with Hot Pockets. The guy is also a total incompetent. He had to call Aunt Willow to help him program his microwave. Andrew is the whiniest, most pathetic creature on this green Earth. He also gets totally freaked out every time someone says the word "first", and is irrationally afraid of people named "Warren". He has some serious psychological problems.
Robin Wood: He is, horror of horrors, principal at Sunnydale High. My school. He was Faith's final boy-toy. I think he still wants her, which is sad. Mr. Wood has some deep-seated issues with my dad. They're always scowling at each other, and muttering under their breath, and clenching their fists. It's really pathetic. Why can't they just duke it out, like normal people? Principal Wood actually could be pretty cool, if he wasn't a principal and all that.
Anya: Told you I would get to her. Anya is one of the most perverted women on this planet. All she ever thinks about is sex. I'm serious. I'm a teenager, and I don't think about it a quarter as much as she does. I was probably the only girl in first grade who had a detailed knowledge of male anatomy. And various painful punishments employing that knowledge. Anya likes to buy things, and Uncle Xander has had to cut her credit cards in half more than once. But he loves her anyways. Or maybe he just loves the whole "I'm-a-total-sex-brain-so-lets-go-right-here-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-everybody-watching-thing". Oh great, more unspeakable bad imagery.
Buffy Anne Summers: My mom works at my school. There really is no end to my torment. She tries to be cool and all but she just…isn't. Mom was totally unpopular at Sunnydale, but insists she was the queen of the school she went to in L.A. Whatever. I'm kind of scared for her, because she's always picking fights with my dad, and I get the feeling he's a dangerous guy.
William Summers?: I don't know my dad's last name. Isn't that sad? I guess it should be Summers, since that's my mom's name. Of course, if they aren't married then, well I won't go into that. Anyway, you probably have been dying to know why my dad was the number one thing that sucked in my life. Well, I'll tell you later. First, let's go over when I didn't hate my dad. When I was a kid, I thought he was the coolest thing ever. He was always home, and he basically lived in the basement, which was cool for some reason. He told me the best stories, which mysteriously ended with people playing checkers as soon as Mom came in. And I thought it was great that he always drank cranberry juice. Never grape, or apple or any other kind, only cranberry. And he would microwave it usually, and pull out a thermometer to make sure it was exactly 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Sometimes he put in cocoa mix and mini-marshmallows. Lots of times he would put Wheet-a-bix in and mush it all around and slurp it out of the mug. Dad also was (is) British, so he would use all sorts of weird British expressions I didn't know the meanings of. You have no idea how much he meant to me. I probably would have willingly laid my life down on the line for my dad. Of course, everything is different now. But you don't want to hear about that, do you? I mean, why should anyone care about my problems with my father?