AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! Are you sick of reading those AUs which really have nothing to do with the actual Buffyverse? Me too!! So I decided to write my own. Please don't get offended, especially any Buddhists, cos I find Buddhism very interesting, and I know it is nothing like how I wrote it. This was a present for my lovely friend RosieW for her Christmas card (which is looking very beautiful) and my sister said to post it so others could laugh at bad AUs too. Anyway, enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Hey, we all know that Buffy and the others belong to Joss, but I'm not too sure if my 'Buffy' does or not. Not that I think he's going to sue, cos he's too wonderful for that. but yeah, Joss: they're all yours!!

DEDICATION: To my special Rosie, I was thinking of you as I jotted this down. And to Jayme if she reads it, cos she's cooool.

FEEDBACK: Please, even if it's just to say you read it. Remember, this is just for fun!


Buffy is a Chinese Buddhist. She has just moved to Sunnydale, California and is finding it hard to make friends due to her very strictly religious parents.

As usual, she is walking home from school, all alone. A car drives past and one of its inhabitants throws a sausage roll at her. Buffy shrieks loudly, inadvertently imitating the mating call of the West African Bower Bird. A number of emotions surge through her all at once. First there's disgust; she is a strict Buddhist and can only have one grain of rice a day, thank you very much, so this sausage roll is just awful! Then she feels hurt, both on the inside and out.

"Oh why can't I be a strong and resourceful girl with friends?" She laments to herself as a tear slowly makes it way down her gloomy face.

Buffy recognizes the people in the car. Angel O'Connor, the handsome quarter back of the football team, with whom she is secretly in love, William "Spike" Giles, the bad British boy who is the lead singer of the immensely famous band 'Dingoes Ate My Baby', and the rest of the popular kids: Cordelia, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Giles, Miss Edith, Miss Kitty Fantastico, Mr. Gordo, Clem and Xander.

Buffy continues on home sadly. When she gets there, her father makes her meditate until it is time to go to school the next morning. She eats her grain of rice hungrily, in only three bites this morning! Her mother watches disapprovingly and makes a mental note to halve Buffy's rations, the girl is getting a little on the tubby side. If only she didn't hate all physical activities so much.

Buffy trundles through the school hall and opens her locker. Her one and only friend, Wesley, a one legged Spaniard with a squirrel obsession, greets her happily in his thick accent. Wesley lost his leg while saving fifty small children from a fire in an orphanage back in Spain. He wants to be more than just friends with Buffy (the squirrels all turned him down), but he knows she only sees him as the boy next door, despite the fact he lives two hours away.

Suddenly, he burst into song!

I'm sick of being the boy next door, I'm sick of knowing I'll never score, I'm sick of waiting - what's in store? Just waiting more and more. The time has come to let it go. Little boy next door - you must grow Into the man she'll never know!

Buffy is astounded. The other students laugh at poor Wesley, who is now crying with embarrassment and muttering in Spanish. Angel O'Connor, who is in his football uniform, runs up and shouts

"Oh Buffy! Now that I see someone else loves you, I am insanely jealous! Please, will you go out with me?"

Buffy is speechless, but manages to say "Yes!" in a breathless voice.

After college, they get married and have the biggest ceremony this side of Russia. They have ten kids in two years, who are raised as strict Buddhists and speak only Chinese, despite the fact that Angel doesn't speak a word.

Wesley loses both his arms in a freak incident with a protective mother elephant. He becomes the spokesperson for Limbless Spaniards before he pursues a successful music career, singing about his lost love - "Muffy". Ten years down the track he is admitted to a psychiatric hospital for kidnapping one of Buffy and Angel's children, the one named Dawn-Willow- Joyce-Snyder O'Connor.

William "Spike" Giles changes his name to Drusilla and becomes the first female hammer thrower to kill an American president. He joins Wesley in the psychiatric hospital, where he continues to tease him the way he did in high school.

The rest of the popular kids get their come uppance and end up working in a sausage roll factory, which causes Buffy to chuckle at the irony every time she passes on the way to the rice factory.

Author's Note: The lyrics are from "The Lonely Life of Relationship Girl" by Justin Murray. Forgot to add that at the start.. Please read and review!