TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith

E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing, just borrow and play a bit.


SPOILER: Up to and including season five.

AUTHORS NOTE: First: THANKS ksunsunghero and wine-into water for beta-read this for me! And if anyone doesn't remember: My first language isn't English so try to endure the mistakes you might find : )

Secondly: This is my first B/F shipper story and I want to thank Schmoo and Bee for the brainwash that made this possible ; ) but I also want to thank CCA and all the other anti-shippers for showing me the difficulties with this scenario, witch hopefully have made it a better story : )

Third: To two of my most faithful reviewers; Joey51 and kidycomfort, I'm sorry guys I know none of you are big on shipper stories so I feel like I'm letting you down a bit.but hopefully you will enjoy it anyway.

Well enough talking, over to the story : ) and PLEASE R&R!!



I stand in front of the mirror brushing my hair and look at myself. I look awful. I have big black shadows beneath my eyes because of the lack of sleep. It makes them look bigger than they really are. They dominate my whole face, like I was a fucking deer or something. I can't sleep, at least not as much as I want to. I think too much. Think about him, about Bosco. I shouldn't I know that. There's nothing good coming from it anyway. I can't solve the problems we have, and I only end up pissing Fred off, because I'm not listening to what he says. I can't stop thinking about him though, so my mind just goes round and round in circles, and I hate it. I have a lot of things I should think about instead. Like what to do about Emily, what to do about Fred, what to do about the fact that I am a lousy wife and mother. It's true, I am. Even Bosco thinks so. You see, back to square one, to Bosco.

I gather my things, keys in the jacket pocket, cell phone and gun in the purse, clean uniform in my left hand, I put out the light and lock the door. Sitting here on the subway I start to think about him again, Bosco. I can't help wondering if he's going to work with me today, probably not. Maybe it's for the best. All we ever do nowadays is fight, and I guess it's better to avoid each other. Still I hate every moment he's not working with me, because that means he's working with her, with Cruz. I honestly didn't think that I could really hate someone, but I was wrong. I hate her. I really hate her. Bos, on the other hand, adores her. He's following her around like a damn puppy, buying everything she says, no matter how stupid or cruel it is.

I hate her though. She turns him into someone I don't know. Someone I don't like. To be really honest with myself, the Bosco I fight with nowadays isn't Bosco, not my Bosco. It's someone totally different, someone hard, cruel and cold. He doesn't seem to care about people anymore, least of all me. The Bosco I fight with isn't my Bosco. It's Cruz's Bosco, and believe me, that version really sucks.

I have to admit though that it made my decision so much easier. It even made the physical effort to close the door in his face easier, but not as easy as I wish it would be. When I close my eyes I can still see his pleading face in front of me. I can see the desperate look in his eyes, and it feels like someone is twisting a knife in my chest. I know exactly why it feels that way. That was how it felt like for Bosco when I closed the door in his face, and I know I've deserved every inch of the pain I feel, for doing that to my best friend. It took all I had not to open the door again and beg him for forgiveness, but I couldn't do that. This is the only way, and I know it. I really do. Still it feels like my heart is broken and my life is starting to fall apart even more. I have no choice though.

I have a lot of reasons to behave the way I do. First of all: I know that in the same moment I've rescued him, he will run straight back to her again, and I can't take that anymore. I can't just stand there and watch how he chooses to destroy his life again. I can't stand for him to choose her over me again. See, there I said it. This is what this really is about when it comes down to it. He chose her instead of me, and I'm jealous as hell, because I love him.

Yeah, I love him. I know it's hard to believe considering the fact that we always fight, and that I treat him like one of my kids most of the time, but that's why I do it. If I think of him as one of my kids I can deny my feelings for him, because you're not in love with your own kid, at least no that way.Treating him like one of my kids is the only way for me to stay sane. It eases the pain I feel for not being able to show him my true feelings. It gives me a chance to deny they even exist. It gives me a chance to show him love and affection without anyone getting suspicious. Without Fred getting suspicious. The problem is, it isn't working anymore. I don't know why, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that my cover isn't working anymore, and that it makes my world to fall a part quickly and completely.

I don't know for how long I have loved him, but I think I have since the first time I saw him. I'm not sure though because he is always getting on my nerves too. Half of the time I'm with him I want to strangle him, and the other half I just want to hug him, but the fact remains, I love him. For the past nine years I've been able to keep that love hidden from him, Fred, and most of the time, from myself. It wasn't really all that hard from the beginning. I mean, I loved Fred and I was married to him, and had kids with him, and most importantly, Bosco didn't give a damn about me. He was off limit, so there wasn't really a problem. You can't capture the sun.

Sometimes it's harder for me to hide it, and convince myself that I don't love him, and don't need him. Like when Fred drove drunk. But Bosco has always made it clear to me that he thinks Fred and I belong together, and that it's my job to keep it together and make it work. He thinks I owe it to Emily and Charlie, and he's right, but it has never worked. Instead I only end up hurting everyone and make them miserable. He's right. I'm a bad mother and I do love to blame him and Fred for everything, but I can't help it. I can't act any different, because it is his fault. Yeah, well, kind of anyway, because if I didn't love him, there would be no problem. But I do, and know that love is destroying my life.

I know you probably wonder why I didn't just ask for a different partner right from the beginning. The answer to that is that I was selfish-as usual. Loving him makes it easier for me to get through the day, to deal with the awful world we live in. I love to watch him as he drives, and I love the way he says "What?" when he feels my eyes on him. I love the way he smiles when he teases me and the way he grins when he thinks he's smart. Hell, I even love how he yells and complains when he's in a bad mood. I love the way he always walks so close to me that I can feel his arm brush against mine. It makes me feel safe and cared for. I love the way we can just sit in silence, and the way we can talk without words. Me, being near him make it easier for me to deal with the mistakes and wrong choices I've made in life. So since I was the only one who knew about that love, I figured it would do no harm. I guess I was wrong. Now everything is falling apart.

It's entirely my fault, because I'm starting to have serious problems to hide my love. Over the years there have been times when I slipped up and let a glimpse of my love and affection for him show. That has made Fred hate my job and dislike Bosco. From time to time he accuses me for rather spending time with Bosco than my family, and for putting Bosco first all the time. I know he's jealous and he have every right to be, because he's right about it all. I would leave him in a heartbeat if Bosco said he wanted me, but he doesn't. He never has and never will. He's off limit. He doesn't want to have a relation ship, least of all with me.

Back to what I was saying, I'm starting to have serious problems to hide my love. Like I said before, I don't know when I started to love him, but I do know when I was starting to have serious problem to deal with my love. It was the night he cried in my arms. I think I never have realized before how much he needed me. I mean, I kind of knew it, because he got so upset when I got cancer. Even made me promise not to get sick again, but he has always given me the impression that he's doing fine without me, although he needs me from time to time. That day his actions told me different. Holding his shaking body in my arms as he cried changed everything. It took down the wall, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be able to rebuild it. Maybe I don't want too. The fact that I can't make everything fall apart, because they can all feel it, and no one seems to like it. Emily hates me, and Fred is more suspicious than ever before. He saw us, and I know he could see the difference. So he's suspicious. He constantly asks me if Bosco really is worth it, and begs me to start thinking about my family. This is nothing new, and it wouldn't be so hard for me to handle if it wasn't for Bosco.

He can feel the change too, and his answer is to run away, to Cruz. My love drew him right in the arms of that awful, backstabbing bitch. He chose her. Obviously we have reached a point where he does anything to get away from me, and that's the reason for me to close the door in his face. It's my job to keep him in line and out of trouble, and it's my job to keep my family together, and this is my way of doing that. If I drive him away he doesn't have to run to get away from me, and then he might make a better choice of partner. He isn't stupid. He just doesn't always think before he acts. If we aren't partners anymore I don't have to concentrate on hiding my love, and when he's not around Fred will have no reason to be jealous. I can concentrate on saving my marriage and my relationship to my kids. This is the best solution, the only solution, for all of us. I know that. I just wish I didn't feel as much as a traitor as I do. I just wish there was some way to make him see that it's all for the best. I just wish I didn't feel so lonely.

When he drags me out to the parking lot in front of the precinct I immediately feel a knot in my stomach. I know I'm doomed. I know we're all doomed, because I know I'm not going to be able to resist. I can tell by his body language that he's desperate, and I know myself. I can't turn him down one more time. I just can't. I love him too much. I have to save him, as always. Still I hear myself put up a fight, trying to resist, but he knows how to make me do as he wishes. He always has, and the look in his eyes when he says the words I longed to hear is heartbreaking.

"Because you're the only one, Faith. I don't have anyone else."

How could I resist that? I love him, and he's choosing me again. I know it's a mistake, and I know it's going to end up in disaster, but I can't help myself. He's the only one for me too, and I can't let him down. I love him.


In the same moment I hear him scream my name I know the disaster is a fact, and that no good will come out of this. I see Cruz's mouth move as she yells at me, but I don't hear her. All I'm aware of is Bosco's frightened, desperate eyes, and I look calmly at him and silently try to reassure him that everything is going to be OK. Suddenly she points her gun at me. I point mine at her and I know Bosco is doing the same. I don't even have to look to know he does. We all fire, and when I feel the bullet enter my body I know that I've lied to him again, because this is not going to be OK. I have been shot, and Fred is going to be pissed as hell, and Bosco is going to feel guilty.