Summary: The Gryffindors are taking a crash course in sex education. Their teachers? Draco and Hermione.
Etc: Fragmented sentences and silly dialogue are beautiful creations. Except, you know, I did write this last year so I was a bit stupid ... hm.
( Lesson # 1: Eavesdropping. Bad. )
'Will never get a date for the Yule Ball.' Bah! She's mad, I tell you!
Harry shook his head. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't asked.
Ron kicked at invisible dust particles as they entered the Gryffindor tower, the portrait of the Fat Lady in her red velvet dress not more than ten feet away.
What was I supposed to do Harry? It was the first thing that popped into my head and you know Trelawney. She'd go into conniptions if she found out I hadn't done my homework again. Ron fumed. The lady's almost worse than Snape when it comes to detentions. Have you ever been to one? Harry, let me tell you, if you have no intentions of looking at unicorns in the same light, then by all means, twist that bat's knickers up her arse.
Harry laughed then and waved his hand.
No thanks. I'll take your word for it.
I've never heard a more intelligent statement.
The two boys muttered the password (chocolate frogs, much to Ron's delight) and the portrait swung open, allowing the two boys entrance. Upon entering the common room, their eyes immediately darted to the group of male Gryffindors kneeling at the girls' staircase. Seamus and Dean were on all fours with Extendable Ears; Neville, on the other hand, was bright red and looking ready to fall dead faint on the crimson carpet.
Harry furrowed his brows.
Ron was the first to say something.
Merlin's Ghost! What are you all up to?
Seamus and Dean simultaneously turned to him and glared, signaling him to quiet up with a finger. They shook their head in disappointment, as if Ron couldn't handle what they were up to, and continued away on their business.
I don't think the girls will appreciate you eavesdropping on their conversations ... Harry said slowly.
Ron suddenly piped up. Besides, girls are complete monsters when they're angry. And let me assure you all that when they find out what you're doing, they'll be furious.
Neville nodded in agreement but stuttered, We-well, maybe you wouldn't ... wouldn't be so sai-saintly if ... if ...
And he fell to the floor. Harry gasped in surprise.
Seamus slapped his forehead.
Nevermind Neville, Harry. He's been fainting every five minutes after we, you know, started listening in on Hermione.
If only they had seen Ron blush mad. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger, one couldn't tell - no one had been looking at him.
If Hermione were to find out, which she will, Harry said, matter-of-factly, she would hex you until you couldn't tell the difference from your left foot and your right.
Dean relented, but you wouldn't be saying those things if you listened to this. Malfoy came in an hour ago with Hermione since they didn't have class. And I reckon the girls knew exactly what was going on between them because they suddenly up and left, giggling to each other. And, mind you, Malfoy was carrying a very ... interesting object, which they were probably laughing about but I can't be sure.
Neville stood up ...
Seamus nodded. It was a very nice and long broomstick. Draco Malfoy's broomstick ... so you do the math.
... and fell down once more.
Ron and Harry shared a quick glance at each other before scrambling to the extra set of Extendable Ears.
Granger, dressing like one won't kill you.
I absolutely will not! You probably fancied the idea of me in this getup even before today! And it's positively disturbing considering Harry wears the same thing.
Do you have any ... fantasies I should know about? Because, you know, we ought to come clean if we're going to start this.
Oh, God, Granger. You're insinuating that I have possible desires for Potter? You're raving mad, woman!
They heard a sheepish laugh, presumably from Hermione.
Harry was turning an ickle shade of green.
Well, it isn't entirely impossible. And you know, now that I think about it, two pretty boys going at it-
I don't see why you're having a tizzy over something so harmless. And please, don't bother telling me that you don't have fantasies about two girls-
That's completely different!
It's a complete double standard, that's what it is!
Malfoy sighed in annoyance.
Do you or do you not want to do this, Granger?
You know, if we're keeping this on a last-name basis, then I really don't want to partake in this little idea of yours, so if you'll excuse-
I don't think so, Hermione. He emphasized her name with a languid ease. Now. Undress. And get into this.
Now you're mad! How many times do I have to tell you-
You'll look fine. Sexy, even. So shut up and put them on.
Oh, fine! Just ... just turn around, will you?
Shyness does not become you. Besides, what have you got to hide? I've seen it all be-
You were treading on thin ice! She retorted. And you said you wouldn't ever mention that incident ever again!
A moment's silence.
Well? Are you going to put them on?
Of course I am! ... After I figure out which way's up.
Are you going to help me or not?
Well, since you asked so politely ...
Oh, honestly! Men!
Ron was almost ghastly pale - well, as pale as one can get with flushed cheeks.
You ... you don't suppose he's making her dress like a ... you know.
If that were the case, then Hermione's basically saying I dress like one too!
Seamus cast a suspicious glance in Harry's direction. The boy in question looked back.
Of course not!
Oh, will you two stop bickering? Dean sighed in annoyance. You're sounding like a married couple.
Dean, that was the most disturbing thing if I ever heard any.
Oh! They're talking again!
Neville, wake up!
This makes me feel bulky. Hermione sighed. I don't understand why I have to wear this. It's not like this is going to hurt me.
It'll protect you from possible bruising, you silly bint. Now, come sit.
There was a light shuffling and finally it stopped.
This ... this feels awkward.
Well, of course. You haven't tried it before. It's meant to feel weird.
I don't know. I don't fancy the idea of a stick between my legs.
You'll get used to it.
Will I? Pause. Say, will it hurt if I go up or down?
It feels fine. Therapeutic, actually.
I'm sure it does.
This is coming from a mouth that's had lots of experience. I've rode this thing many times in my life, as I'm sure you have witnessed.
And you look good on it too. All sweaty and-
Stop, woman! Unless you want to get a rise out of me.
Neville was an awkward heap on the floor; Dean was flushing; Seamus was wrapping his robes tightly around his waist; and Ron and Harry were choking.
That's ... that's dirty! Ron exclaimed. Wait until I get my bloody hands on that ferret and I'll squeeze the living breath out of him when I do!
Dean cleared his throat and suddenly snatched the Extendable Ears away.
I think we're done for today. We're in enough trouble as it is.
Hey, give me that! Seamus made an attempt for a pair. Honestly. You wouldn't know entertainment if ti came and knocked your teeth out.
He didn't see pillows coming.