Summary: The Gryffindors are taking a crash course in sex education. Their teachers? Draco and Hermione.
Etc: Late update, rating change, short, and more puns galore. Enjoy. :D
( Lesson # 3: If All Else Fails, Wank. )
Bloody hell. When you finally need Hermione for her knowledge about medicine, she's off shagging that rat-faced bloke from Slytherin! Seamus exclaimed with a sigh.
Dean grunted, finally propping the last of the two Gryffindors (Harry) onto the common room couch.
I doubt medicine will help these two. What do you think about psychological therapy? Dean paused and then added, I don't think Malfoy is rat-faced.
Psychological therapy sounds go- wait a minute! Are you mad? Did I hear what I think you just said? Did you actually say that you didn't think Malfoy is rat-faced?
Then, what do you think of him?
Quite good-looking, really. I don't fancy him if that's what you're afraid of. Gryffindor pride and all that ... but hell, you've got to admit that he isn't ugly.
Seamus thought about this for a minute.
You're right, but he is a randy bloke i'nt he? It's a bit unappealing ...
They stared at their feet for minutes afterward, contemplating their aforementioned words - words that would have been likely enough to have them exiled from the Gryffindor house.
I suppose he's attractive in a ferret sort of way ... Seamus started tentatively.
You're just saying that to save your own skin. Dean accused. Why don't you just admit it and say he's handsome?
It's the truth. I think he's kind of ferret-looking.
Oh, all right! Before I come out with my grand opinions about him, let's double-check if those two are still knocked out.
Nodding in agreement, Seamus and Dean checked the bodies of Harry and Ron, very relieved to find out that they were still faint from shock.
You're damned near insatiable, Granger.
The blonde Slytherin fell across the witch's bed, his body spread-eagle. His robes had been discarded early in their lesson and somehow during this wonderful session, his tie had come loose and two or some odd buttons popped off. He shielded his eyes from the sunshine that slipped through the open window with a casual throw of his arms. Suddenly, the bed beneath him sunk lower with added weight. He propped himself up on his elbows and turned his head to see a grinning and breathless Hermione beside him. Her hair was tousled, her eyes were alight with charming fire, and gods was she skittish the way she jumped up and down with her knees.
He would have expected that she would be tired by now!
What can I say, she said, I live to learn.
I should say so.
Well? What are you doing, lounging about? she demanded. This was your idea in the first place and I expect that you finish what you've started.
Draco snorted. You weren't so thrilled when I first shared my idea.
That was then, this is now. Hermione replied cheekily. Besides, I didn't comply at first because you wanted me in some outrageous getup, but frankly I find it fascinating!
This coming from a girl who doesn't find any other activity entertaining unless it's books and education.
Hermione sighed and rolled off the bed.
Fine. Since you're being difficult, I'll have to ask Harry for his help. I'm sure he'd be eager and willing to sate my needs.
Hermione, I was just kidding!
He was too late, for the young woman had already slipped out her private dormitory.
Hermione, grinning proudly and humming a blithe tune, walked down the staircase that led to the Common Room. Draco, the poor thing, needed to teach. She supposed teaching was very fulfilling for his sweet tooth - never mind the fact that it wasn't actually something he could eat but rather do. It suited him well, but she supposed that teaching had a dominating effect over people and Draco was a strong, domineering type. She wouldn't have found out this - dare she say it - adorable quirk of his had it not been for their arrangement.
He needed help with Arithmancy, god bless his little soul. Merlin knew he wasn't the only one apt and eager to teaching. Oh, but what would she get in return? She knew that it was a great feat to even approach her, much less ask her, for help but yet again Merlin knew that gloating is bliss. So, much to her surprise, he was actually considering giving her lessons. Lessons in what?' she had asked. I won't tell you just yet, but you will like it, trust me,' he replied. And indeed it was!
She could only smile for so long when she realised her predicament. She had discontinued their lesson - if only indirectly - and had not stated when they would resume said lesson. His teaching methods were bewitching. The way he moved his hands to demonstrate (oh, heaven bless those godly fingers), the way he hitched himself up behind her to help her get more leverage (a sinewy physique was always nice), and the way he wrapped his arms around her body to demonstrate the exact position of which she could gain control was positively exciting. No, no - it was absolutely glorious!
So, not only had she walked out on something completely wonderful but she realised, with deep regret, that she was not the only girl in Hogwarts keen to learn from Draco Malfoy. She had seen the way other girls (mostly in their year) gave him silent appraising looks, the way they giggled or gossiped to one another about his recent conquests and whatnot ... it was horrifying! The part where he could choose another girl was horrifying, not how they giggled or gossiped - that was just annoying. In any case, she had buried herself ten feet deep and she wasn't quite sure how to get out.
Sure, like she had so boldly stated to him, she could find help in Harry. Harry Potter was her best friend and she knew he would do anything for her because of their sibling-like relationship. Add to that, Harry and Draco shared the same love for broomsticks, if not with more vigour. On occasion, as she would come back from the library, she would find Harry in the Common Room fiddling and caring for his broomstick, stroking the shaft like so and making sure it was sleek and shiny.
Harry Potter was truly gifted.
Of course, she was always one for the aggressor.
She just couldn't understand why.
Hermione pondered these random, never-ending thoughts until she heard two male voices whispering and saw the faint bodies of her two best friends. She really was going to help them out, try to find out what exactly happened to them when she heard Draco's name being uttered.
It intrigued her.
Being the curious person that she was, Hermione Granger sat down on the last rung and listened.
Dean sputtered, You're bloody in love with him, aren't you?
Oh, please. I wasn't the only one glorifying Draco's looks and build. If memory serves me right, you were talking about his stamina. If you ask me, that's worse than the way I was hailing him.
Worse, my arse!
It's true. You're curious of his sexual capabilities; I'm not. That explains a lot, Dean, it really does.
Look, I'm sorry. It's not my fault he's a rather attractive bloke. Hell, he's got girls and boys panting over him.
And you, my friend, Seamus said, are a statistic.
Bullocks! At least I'm not chasing after him like most do.
How can you? How can anybody for that matter? he snorted, He's off shagging Hermione.
Damn it all.
A funny grin spread on her lips.
She giggled. Very un-Hermione-like.
Where would they get such a ridiculous idea?
Heh. Shagging ...
Seamus and Dean looked at each other and shrugged.
The mudblood made him pout.
Malfoys did not pout.
But she had left him thoroughly stimulated with her arousing positions on his broomstick. What was he supposed to do? Add fuel to the fire, she looked absolutely fetching when she aimed to please. And aim to please she did ...
... but that was before she left him, well, not relaxed and very much in a state of restlessness.
Images of Hermione on his stick flooded his mind and, before he could think of unflattering thoughts, his hormones got the better of him and he stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door with a loud bang!, and proceeded to wank himself.
Life was very good.
And even more better when Hermione Granger was involved.
Where in the hell was she, anyway?
When he was finished with ... business ... he washed his hands clean and walked out of the bathroom, still a bit put-off with her not being there with him. She was eager to learn, wasn't she? Well, he was willing to teach. After all, it was he who had offered in the first place and look at the state he was in - all because of that insufferable, albeit very sly and wickedly wonderful, muggleborn.
It was then that her words hit him.
Not that it hadn't already but it had twice the impact.
Since you're being difficult, I'll have to ask Harry for his help. I'm sure he'd be eager and willing to sate my needs.'
Blood drained from his face (not that it was there to begin with - ahem) and he fainted.