Just because I like the series doesn't mean I can't poke fun at it!

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Beast Wars In Short

By Lady Dementia

[email protected]

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Beast Wars, Part 1 and 2

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HASBRO realizes that the TRANSFORMERS is still a better TV SHOW than 90% of the crap FOX shows.

Hasbro:

*watching Pokemon* "Dude, we're SO bringing back the '80s."

Transfans:

"wOOt!"

Hasbro:

"Only we're updating it and calling it Beast Wars."

Transfans:

"...huh?"

A bigger BUDGET and better SPECIAL AFFECTS later, the PREDACONS do something NAUGHTY. Since this is VERY BAD, the MAXIMAL HIGH COUNCIL sends a NONCOMBATANT SHIP after the MURDERING, THIEVING CRIMINALS.

High Council:

"Eh, we never liked Optimus Primal anyway."



Thus establishing that HASBRO has no power of IMAGINATION when it comes to NAMES, two SHIPS exit the WHIRLING VORTEX OF DOOM out of NOWHERE. For lack of anything ELSE to call it, it shall be called a TRANSWARP PLOTHOLE. The MAXIMALS are in DEEP KIMSHEE.

Scotty:

"The engines, they cannea take it, capt'n!"

HASBRO uses NEAT SHADOWS to cover up the fact that nobody has PRE-ANIMAL BODY DESIGNS.

Cheetor:

"Yeah! That's why nobody uses their names yet! *looks at name*...oops."

MEGATRON demonstrates an AMAZING ABILITY to ADVANCE the PLOT and SHOOTS the MAXIMAL SHIP.

Dinobot:

"Hello? This is your common sense speaking!"

Megatron IGNORES Dinobot's GOOD ADVICE.

Primal:

"Hey! We have weapons!"

The Maximals STOP BEING PANSIES and SHOOT the PREDACONS. Megatron regrets FEEDING HIS EGO.

Megatron:

D'oh!

The MAXIMAL SHIP makes like a RABBIT and leaves behind PELLETS called FUTURE HASBRO TOY LINES as it crashes. The PREDACON SHIP makes like a CRASHING SHIP and, well, CRASHES.

All:

"This is gonna hurt."

It does.

Predacon Computer:

"Great going, guys. This isn't even the right planet, but you get free fur coats for stopping by."

Megatron:

"NO! Not fur!"

Predacon Computer:

"Aw, why not? It's all the rage over at the Maximal base!"

Megatron:

"We're living in the middle of a lava pit. What do you think?!"

Predacon Computer:

"Fashion's about appearances, not comfort. *sigh* Fine, we'll come up with some kind of air conditioning…"

The PREDACON SHIP deploys a huge FAN for their COMFORT, but a freak ACCIDENT short-circuits the AIR CONDITIONING SYSTEM.

Predacon Computer:

"Well, slaggit. I guess we'll have to make do with lizard skin for this fall's line up."

HASBRO leaves its DESIGNING ISSUES to the Predacon computer's FASHION SENSE and turns to the AXALON. This is a blatant instance of FAVORITISM, since the Predacon ship is NEVER NAMED. Fortunately for the favored MAXIMALS, their air conditioning WORKS, allowing them fluffy FUR COATS.

Optimus Primal:

"Maximal explorers versus Predacon criminals, and all we get in our defense is Cheetor's kittenish cuteness? We're SO going to get our skidplates handed to us."

Hasbro:

"Wait! We'll give you something to compensate for the cuteness factor."

HASBRO gives the Maximals RATTRAP, who supplies the only WITTY DIALOGUE around but, in COMPENSATION, has a WHACKED OUT accent.

Rattrap:

"Eh?"

Optimus Primal:

"Better. But still too cute."

And so HASBRO gives the Maximals RHINOX, whose sheer COOLNESS still cannot bring Cheetor INTELLIGENCE. Meanwhile at the DARKSIDE/SOUNDWAVE/UNNAMED SHIP O' EVIL, Megatron is dealing with the clash between his COMMON SENSE and MEGALOMANIA.

Dinobot:

"Even though the audience knows it's Earth, I'm still not going to give you the satisfaction of saying it might possibly be Earth because I'm a stubborn git. So there!"

Megatron:

*Cartman from South Park* "Respect my AuthoriTA!"

Dinobot:

"No! You can't even read a map right!" *waves Golden Disks*

Megatron:

*annoyed* "Alright, what's your problem?"

Dinobot:

"I've decided I'm going to take over the faction because your name is more retro than mine."

Fortunately for the LENGTH of the SHOW, Scorpinok GETS RID of Megatron's COMMON SENSE with a few MISSILES.

Maximals:

"Slaggit."

Back in the Maximal GHETTO, Optimus Primal turns his ATTENTION away for THREE SECONDS, and Rattrap UNLOCKS the PET DOOR.

Cheetor:

*snobbish* "I shall go mingle with the commoners."



Cheetor ESCAPES and demonstrates MAD SKILLZ in RUNNING.

Optimus Primal:

*unexcited* "Whoo. Lookit 'im go."

Rhinox:

"I suppose this means I'll be stuck doing all the work for now. And forever. *sigh*"

Rattrap:

"Eh. Good riddance."

Hasbro deliberately IGNORES Dinobot's WHEREABOUTS and instead introduces WASPINATOR, who is SCHIZOPHRENIC after SEEING CHEETOR.

Waspinator:

*Incredible Hulk* "Waspinator…SMASH!"

Cheetor:

"Despite my peaceful explorer background, I shall now attempt to kill you without any sort of warning. Shall we get to it, then?"

Waspinator and Cheetor commence demonstrating their INABILITY to HIT the BROAD SIDE OF A BARN. Eventually, the MAXIMALS decide it would LOOK BAD if WASPINATOR killed one of their number, even if it IS CHEETOR. Rhinox attempts to KNOCK HIMSELF OUT by running into a BIG ROCK on the way to the RESCUE, but HASBRO makes the ROCK out of STYROFOAM.

Optimus Primal:

"Why didn't I think of trying that?"

Megatron:

"I could give it a try for you."

Optimus Primal:

"Would you really? Please."

Megatron:

"Sure, not a probl—"

Hasbro:

"HEY!"

Megatron:

"Er, I mean, nooo! Nope, not gonna happen. Predacons are your enemies, ya know."

Optimus Primal:

"What?! That's it, I'm takin' you down for leading me on like that!"

Thus establishing the root of their HATRED for each other, Megatron and Primal's respective minions TRANSFORM and INTRODUCE THEMSELVES while the two leaders continue INSULTING each other's ANCESTORS and PEACE TREATIES. This is HASBRO'S effort at giving the show a BACKGROUND. It turns out that most of the Predacons are AUTOBOT FANS, so Primal decides to GET BACK at Megatron.

Optimus Primal:

"Well, that's just PRIME."

Megatron:

"…you did NOT just take Optimus Prime's name in vain, nooo."

Terrorsaur:

"That ain't cool, yo."

Cheetor:

"Shaddup, ya Starscream reject."

Megatron:

"Leave Starscream out of this, yesss."

Optimus Primal:

*annoyed* "Stop DOING that!"

Megatron:

"I don't know what you're talking about, noo."

Optimus Primal:

"ARGH!"

The MAXIMALS ATTACK, having gotten fed up with Megatron's SPEECH PROBLEMS. Cheetor immediately SCREWS UP, and Rattrap becomes a LESS CUTE character under the THREAT of RHINOX'S WRATH. Rhinox uses the WAY COOL CHAINGUNS OF DEATH, but the combined MIGHT of Rhinox and Rattrap is NOT ENOUGH to make up for CHEETOR'S IDIOCY. Optimus Primal SAVES SPOTTED TAIL, and they all make like MONTY PYTHON and RUN AWAY.

Megatron:

"We're winning?"

Hasbro:

"No."

Hasbro uses ENERGON SHOCK THERAPY to TEACH the Predacons that WINNING is WRONG.

Megatron:

*timid* "That's right, children: the bad Predacons can't win against the good Maximals because in real life good always triumphs against superior firepower because…because…*cringes* I don't know why?"

Tarantulas:

"Please don't hurt us! We'll never do it again!"

SATISFIED, Hasbro turns our attention back to the MAXIMALS, where Rhinox has been reduced to being a PACK ANIMAL. Optimus Primal, who is apparently TOO INJURED to WALK, can TOSS RATTRAP AROUND with NO PROBLEM. They ADVANCE the PLOT.

Optimus Primal:

"Where's the other Pred?"

Rattrap:

"Dead?"

Murphy's Law:

"HA!"

Maximals:

"D'oh!"

The Maximals approach a CATWALK suspended above a REALLY DEEP CANYON, where DINOBOT struts his FUNKY STUFF and challenges Optimus Primal to a FASHION BATTLE for control of the fuzzy MAXIMALS. Optimus Primal LOSES his MIND and ACCEPTS.

Rhinox:

"An explorer versus a warrior. Yeah, THIS is a fair duel."

Hasbro:

"Have a little faith! We haven't given him a backstory yet. For all you know he could be great at this combat thing!"

Rattrap:

"Riiiiight. I call dibs on his room!"

Dinobot and Optimus Primal exchange MACHO DIALOGUE.

Optimus Primal:

"If you want to deal with Cheetor, be my guest."

Dinobot:

*hesitates* "Well, now that you mention it…"

Optimus Primal:

"No backing out now—you already changed your transformation code!"

Dinobot:

"Slaggit, I knew that was going to come back and haunt me."

They pull out NEATO SWORDS and start to STRIKE POSES and DO COMBAT STUFF.

Dinobot:

*a la Spaceballs* "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."

Optimus Primal:

"Yeah, but I've got two of 'em."

Dinobot:

"Oh, yeah? I've got a fan!"

For some reason, the other Maximals DECIDE NOT TO HELP their leader.

Rhinox:

"Honor."

Cheetor:

"They said something about a Hot Rod situation…"

Rattrap:

"Eh, I just want his room."

Optimus Primal discovers Dinobot's GLASS JAW and DOESN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

Optimus Primal:

"I know I worked really hard to kick your tail, but I'm going to give it all up 'cause we're not FIGHTING or anything."

Dinobot displays his SENSE of HONOR that NOBODY ELSE UNDERSTANDS, along with a deep and abiding sense of BRUTALITY.

Hasbro:

*gasp* "Think of the children!"

Kids:

"Yay! Violence!"

Hasbro:

"…oh."

Elsewhere, the Predacons are watching the FIGHT on PAY PER VIEW up the canyon a little ways. They TAKE WAY TOO MUCH TIME to transform, which draws the ATTENTION of the Maximals. Since they were DOING NOTHING ANYWAY, they call out a WARNING to Optimus Primal, who TACKLES Dinobot.

Predacons:

"We missed. What a big surprise."

Hasbro:

"Oh, just keep shooting."

Megatron:

"Why bother?"

Optimus, who for some reason SAVED Dinobot, PROMPTS his RATHER SLOW TROOPS into taking SOME SORT OF ACTION to help him as the Predacon continue MISSING. They go through their own REALLY LONG TRANSFORMATION as Hasbro ELECTROCUTES Dinobot for trying to WIN against a MAXIMAL.

Dinobot:

"Drop me, you idiot!"

Optimus Primal:

"I didn't know you were suicidal. Have you spoken to your counselor about this?"

Optimus and Dinobot ACT ALL SELF-SACRIFICING, but Rhinox SAVES THE DAY.

Rhinox:

"Am I the only one who does anything around here?"

Megatron REALIZES he's a MORON.

Megatron:

"Let's try shooting at them with ALL our weapons this time, okay?"

The other Predacons think this is NOVEL IDEA and GIVE IT A TRY. The Maximals RUN FOR IT, and Megatron BLAMES their escape on EVERYONE BUT HIMSELF. Scorpinok SEES the FUTURE out of SELF-DEFENSE.

Scopinok:

"Look over there! Wow, it's a good thing we can't hit the Maximals after all."

The forgotten MISSILES hit a mountain in the distance a moment later, revealing a huge PILE of ENERGON ROCK CANDY. Megatron DROOLS.

Megatron:

"Mmmm, raw energon…wait a minute! Why couldn't you point that deposit out before?"

Scorpinok:

"You weren't about to beat me up before!"

Optimus Primal EXPLAINS TO THE AUDIENCE why energon is so important, adding some FORESHADOWING for good effect. Dinobot expresses TOO MUCH CONFIDENCE in Megatron's CAPABILITIES.

Dinobot:

"He could take over the local Quik-E-Mart with that much energon!"

Optimus Primal:

"Seriously?"

Rattrap:

"Eh! You're not gonna trust HIM, are ya?!"

Optimus Primal:

"Who's the leader here, Rattrap?"

Rattrap:

*muttering*

Optimus Primal:

"What was that? I can't heeeear you!"

Rattrap:

"Rhinox, alright?!"

Optimus Primal:

"That's RIGHT, so—hey!"

The other Maximals hurry away SNICKERING, and we return to the Predacons, who are POWER WALKING in an attempt to LOSE WEIGHT on their way toward the ENERGON DEPOSIT. Megatron INDULGES in a FIT OF INSANITY.

Megatron:

"With that much energon, I'll be able to take over the Quik-E-Mart AND the store next door!"

Scorpinok is apparently TOO WINDED from keeping up to GIVE MEGATRON HIS MEDICATION. Night FALLS because it's MORE DRAMATIC that way.

Rhinox:

"Why exactly aren't you flying up ahead?"

Optimus:

"Because that Stone Hedge thing might give us trouble. Oh, and the Predacons might show up at any time."

Rhinox:

"Is that enough foreshadowing? Because it's pretty clear from Stone Hedge that this IS Earth, and—"

Hasbro SICS Waspinator and Terrorsaur on the Maximals before RHINOX CAN GIVE IT ALL AWAY. The Maximals LINE UP and perform RIVERDANCE while TRANSFORMING, and Rattrap expresses JUSTIFIABLE CONCERN about Dinobot's loyalties. Optimus CATCHES Megatron's LACK OF COMMON SENSE.

Optimus Primal:

"Despite any sort of evidence either way, Dinobot's loyal to the Maximal's now. He won't betray us!"

Dinobot pulls a RATTRAP and DISOBEYS A DIRECT ORDER.

Rattrap:

"Eh! Nobody disobeys Optimus but me! I'm gonna scrap ya!"

He doesn't.

Dinobot:

"Ha ha! Optimus is protecting m~e!"

Dinobot MAKES FACES at Rattrap. Optimus tells them BOTH to BEHAVE. Meanwhile, Megatron is WAY TOO HAPPY about the energon.

Megatron:

*giddily singing* "I've got the power!"

Tarantulas:

"That's nice. Can we actually get something done, now?"

The Maximals SHOW UP, and the two sides FACE OFF.

Megatron:

"Can't we just be friends?"

Optimus Primal:

"That's Prime!"

Megatron:

"Stop SAYING that! That's it. Predacons, attack!"

Rhinox:

"Blue 42, blue 42—hutt, hutt!"

The two sides COLLIDE, and after a few HITS are exchanged on both sides…

Optimus Primal:

"I'm crippled and you're still standing…but I'm going to say I'm winning anyway!"

Megatron:

"Slaggit, if a Maximal says it, it's gotta be true."

Terrorsaur:

"Actually, I think we're winning."

Hasbro:

"WHAT?!"

Predacons:

"Uh-oh."

Since the Predacons are now SCREWED ANYWAY, Megatron TRANSFORMS and TRIES to SHOOT Optimus despite going through SHOCK THERAPY AGAIN. Like EVERYTHING ELSE LATELY, his attempt FAILS. While RUNNING AWAY from Scorpinok, Dinobot ACCIDENTALLY hits Megatron's MISSILE with his TAIL and DIVERTS ITS PATH.

Dinobot:

"I meant to do that. Really."

"Good Vibrations" begins to PLAY, and everyone FLEES IN TERROR from the song. Oh, and the EXPLODING ENERGON. Hasbro decides that Megatron's LEARNED HIS LESSON and let's him ESCAPE to be STUPID ANOTHER DAY.

Dinobot:

"This doesn't mean I'm loyal or anything."

Optimus Primal:

"I'll trust you anyway."

Dinobot:

"Well…at least you can read maps."

Rattrap:

"So what are we supposed to do now?"

Rhinox:

"Obviously, since this is Earth, we'll have to—"

HASBRO hits Rhinox with a STICK, rendering him SILENT for the rest of the episode. The other Maximals CONSULT the SCRIPT for CLUES.

Optimus Primal:

"Beast Wars? Who came up with that one?!"

The camera WITHDRAWS abruptly as Optimus SHAKES HIS FIST at the WRITERS.

Hasbro:

"Yay!"

Transfans:

"…huh?"

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Author's Whining: I have no idea where I'm going with this, but it's fun! Keep in mind that this is just for the heck of it, so don't be offended if I pick on people or things. Heehehehehehehe…