Well, this is a first for me- a parody and I think it's funny. I don't know all of the references to stories that I make, but there are a lot and I believe they are all real stories. Of course, none of this belongs to me, but rather to Tolkein. The idea, however, is mine. Please laugh, relax, and review.


Those DARN fanfic writers

The man limped over to a rock, where he finally sat down, exhausted. He had been fighting orcs for who knows how long. His friend turned to look at him, he was tired too. Sure he wasn't exactly human, but fighting orcs all day was not part of his exercise routine.

Aragorn could not understand it. Their day had started off fine, like it always did. They had woken early, eaten an early breakfast and set out from Imladris. They were making the trip back to Mirkwood, Legolas' realm. Thranduil had been requesting that Legolas spend some time at home rather than with Lord Elrond, so he and Legolas decided to spend the winter in Mirkwood. Why he was going with Legolas, he didn't know, he just seemed to follow him wherever he went. They had even gone past mid-day without a problem, but then the orcs came and now it was night and they were tired.

Aragorn turned, hearing his friend approach him. As Legolas knelt beside him, Aragorn took a look at his face; it was covered in dirt and marked with scratches. Other than that he seemed to be fine. Aragorn dropped his head in disgust, why him?

"Strider," Aragorn met Legolas' eyes, "I must tend to your wounds." The elf touched the man's shoulder worried by the blank stare in his grey eyes. "Strider?" he spoke again, trying to get through to him.

Finally the man moved, "Why Legolas," Aragorn asked, casually resting his arm on an arrow that protruded from his chest." The elf looked at him puzzled.

"Because if I let those wounds sit they will fester and you'll grow ill," Legolas answered slightly wary.

"Why bother they will just fester and I'll become ill no matter what you do."

Legolas felt his friend's forehead, maybe an infection had already set in, but there was no sign of a fever. He looked at his friend strangely; he could not understand what made his friend act so odd.

Aragorn smiled at the bemused look on Legolas' face, he did not understand, "I mean why does this always happen to us, to me. Why am I always the one injured? Why must they do this to me?!" Aragorn cried. Finally Legolas felt he understood.

"Because my friend, they like you."

"It is an odd way of showing affection."

"Well, you only hurt the ones you love."

Aragorn looked at him puzzled, "Isn't that you only tease the ones you love?"

"Um," the elf looked around, "it is. I don't know why I said that."

"I do, it's THEM again," Aragorn's voice was ominous.

"How could it be THEM," Legolas mocked Aragorn's tone, "whoever THEM is." Legolas waited for an answer, but the man could not give one. "See, now let me see to your wounds." Legolas began to examine the wounds. Aragorn sat for a bit on the rock, pondering something.

"Why don't they just let me die?" Aragorn's question seemed to come out of nowhere. Legolas looked up from his ministrations surprised by his friend's question.

"Why won't who let you die?"

"You know, THEM."

"For Valar's sake, would you just tell me who THEM is!!" Legolas yelled, frustrated.

"THEM, you know," Aragorn quietly hinted, but Legolas stared at him dumbfounded. "The fanfic writers." Aragorn whispered.

"Oh," Legolas said, wondering whether Aragorn had just gone insane.

"Come on Legolas, you know the fanfic writers. They're always torturing us, putting us through all sorts of battles and hair-raising adventures."

"So that's who's been doing that," Legolas teased, "I thought it was you that always attracted trouble."

"No, no Legolas," Aragorn said annoyed, "that was just what they wanted you to think. That was part of their plan."

"Plan?" Now Aragorn was beginning to worry him, how could these fanfic writers have a plan?

"Don't give me that look Legolas. I've not gone crazy yet."

"Strider, fanfic writers? What is a fanfic anyway?"

"It's a story about a television show or a movie, sometimes even books and anime."

Yes, Legolas thought, Strider had definitely gone mad this time. Television shows, anime? What were those?

"Okay Strider, that's enough for now. I must tend to your wounds, then I'll take you back to Imladris where Lord Elrond can help you."

"I don't need help!" Aragorn cried, rising indignantly. "I am perfectly fine," he said as he swayed slightly from the sudden motion. Legolas moved to him quickly, ready to help if Aragorn should fall, but the ranger pushed him away, instead he steadied himself on a rock. Regaining his balance he began to walk around their makeshift campsite. Legolas was growing worried about his friend- he had sustained many injuries during the battle, perhaps he had also received a blow to the head.

"The last time you told me you were fine, I had to drag you back to Lord Elrond and your brothers nearly dead and in a deep coma!" Legolas' voice rose.

"This won't be like last time. I am perfectly fine, see," Aragorn fiddled with the arrow that he had used as an arm rest earlier to prove to Legolas that he was fine. Legolas watched nervously as Aragorn tugged on the crudely fashioned arrow. He let out a sigh when the arrow didn't come loose- that was the last thing he needed right now; to have a seemingly mad Aragorn unwilling to rest even for a second with a hole in his chest and blood gushing out. His main concern was how to get Aragorn to sit down so he could tend to the wounds until he could get to Elrond. But with his friend walking around, ranting to no one in particular and not seeming to mind either that the few arrows that protruded from his body were bobbing up and down with each movement he made, Legolas began to grow extremely concerned and worried.

"Strider," Legolas tried again, "you must rest while I attend to your wounds." Aragorn turned to face his elf friend, stopping as their eyes met. Aragorn looked at him defiantly, daring him to force him.

"I will not rest until I have found out why!"

Legolas was frustrated- this man was reckless, "Why what!!" Legolas screamed.

"Why can't I just die," Aragorn threw his arms up, causing all the arrows in him to move up as well. Legolas looked puzzled, though slightly amused by the arrows that followed Aragorn's every move as if they were motion lines. His amusement died when his eyes were attracted to a nasty red spot on Aragorn's chest, around the arrow that he had fiddled with earlier.

"And you wish to die?"

"Well," Aragorn fumbled for words, slightly embarrassed, "no, not really. But do you have any idea of the numerous things that have happened to me? I've been attacked by more wargs than I can count, beaten by orcs until I was nearly dead, skewered by at least fifty swords, been killed or at least that's what everyone thought, kept alive with by Bengwiil, a weed, that would eventually kill me, been captured by who knows how many people, been forced to drink orc water, attacked by killer relatives of yours, falsely accused of murder, made a slave, been captured by Saruman who thankfully hasn't found out who I am, broken more bones than I knew I had and fallen deathly ill from some unknown virus that only affects those of Númenórean blood and I'm only twenty-five. All of that plus more which are to numerous to tell in eight years of adventures in the wild. Eight years Legolas. And each time I've come back, somehow, you and Elrond have been able to pull me out it each time," Legolas still did not seem to believe him, as he was focused on the ever-growing blood stain. Aragorn took no notice even as Legolas' eyes grew larger and more panicked by the second. "Come on Legolas, how many times have I been knocking on death's doorstep, just waiting on him to answer."

"I don't know, twenty?" Legolas said distracted- the bloodstain was now the size of his hand. "But what does that matter, you've always come back to us."

"And do you know how painful it is to be stabbed by daggers, lashed with metal and leather whips, and made a pincushion for all the enemies' arrows? The first time it really hurts and the twentieth time, not only does it hurt, it's annoying! Don't you see Legolas I just want to die the next time I see death's door. I've got so many scars, that it's not even a challenge to play connect the dots. Everything just becomes a big blotch." Legolas abruptly looked at Aragorn, startled by the last statement. Seeing the bewildered look in Legolas' eyes, Aragorn continued, "My point is, I'm coming so close to death, next time can't I just die. That's all I want- to be put out of my misery."

"But you can't die," Legolas spoke, stunned by his friends words.

"And why not."

"Because you are my friend and I won't let you die."

"But Legolas, you don't see you have no say in this. It's THEM, those fanfic writers. They won't let me die."

"Aragorn," Legolas was serious, "you cannot die." Aragorn opened his mouth, but Legolas continued, gently placing a hand over his friend's mouth, "Don't you understand that you are to become king and reunite the Kingdom of Gondor, not die. Death is not in your fate, not until you have become king." The wheels in Aragorn's mind were turning before Legolas had even finished speaking.

"So, I can basically do whatever I want."

"No," Legolas hesitated, "not exactly. Lord Elrond is sure to become annoyed and angry with you as you deplete his reserves of bandages and herbs. Not to mention that the Valar might grow annoyed with you as well, and take away this fate of yours," Legolas saw the look of desperation in his friend's eyes. "But do not worry, death shall come to you someday, eventually, but your fate is not foretold as such."

"So I'm doomed to their endless tortures?" Aragorn questioned. Legolas sighed, he still didn't understand who THEM was, but if he could satisfy Aragorn.

"Yes, whoever they are." Aragorn now seemed calm, "Now would you let me treat your wounds?" Legolas spoke gently though the question was more of a statement.

"I told you they do not hurt," Aragorn pulled on the same arrow again, this time however, he winced. He looked down in surprise, there was a big blotch of blood on his shirt not to mention a moment ago he hadn't felt a thing, but now his entire body was drenched in pain. As the pain washed over him, his vision became fuzzy, making is almost impossible to see the approaching figure of Legolas. He felt the earth move under his feet, he was quickly approaching something and everything went black.

Legolas quickly moved to Aragorn's side, his hands moving quickly as he tended to the man's numerous wounds.

"Those DARN fanfic writers," he muttered under his breath as he saw the full extend of the injuries.