AKA Bakura 1/2
Yami Bakura: *twitching randomly* Insane, evil, sugar-high authoress... Oh Ra, we're in for it...
WSJ: *running around and pointing at everybody's feet* Senu! Senu, senu! *funny gay voice*
Bakura: *blink blink* What? I don't get it....
Yami Bakura: *sweatdrop* 'Senu' is ancient Egyptian for 'shoe'... Radangit, I knew we shouldn't have let her have that second bowl of iced creame on top of the coffee...
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my senu!!! MWAHAHAHA! *runs around hyperly*
Bakura: *sweatdrop* This fic takes place in ancient Egypt, although it isn't very.... Egyptly. Yu-Gi-Oh/Ranma fusion, and for some reason the Jusenkyo springs have moved by several thousand miles.
Yami Bakura (hereafter known as simply Bakura because of the slight fact that his lighter side won't come to be for another 3,000 years) decided later that his first mistake had been turning around to taunt the guards chasing him. Seto disagreed and said that his first mistake had been robbing that particular tomb that day. The guy wasn't even dead yet! Jono said his first mistake was becoming a tomb robber in the first place.
Pharoah Yami told them all to shut up, and that his first mistake had been being born at all.
But nevertheless, when Bakura was running high-speed across the desert with a bag of loot over each shoulder and another tucked into his belt, he turned around to stick his tongue out at the guards chasing him.
And, as Fate (who is actually, once you've gotten to know her, very mischeivious) would have it, tripped over a rock that Bakura would have sworn wasn't there before. He fell head-long into an oasis (which he also would have sworn hadn't been there a moment before), and came up sputtering curses. To his surprise, the guards screeched to a hault, then turned tail and ran, every single one of them screaming something about shape-changing demons.
"Come back here you cowards!" Bakura yelled, shaking a fist after them. Then he gasped, one hand clamping over his mouth.
It was a rather feminine gasp, and a rather slender hand.
Now, being a street rat, Bakura really had no use for shirts. They were itchy and uncomfortable, and they made one's tan become uneven. Usually Bakura went by with a pair of tattered pants torn off at the knee.
The pants that were, in fact, now down to his ankles and almost falling off of him.
In a state of rather abject horror, Bakura looked down at himself, and screamed. (It was a rather high-pitched scream)
But Bakura the Tomb Robber wasn't one to be daunted by apparent gender-change and high-levels of suspicious magical energy. He knew what happened to most girls in the village who attempted to go around with little or no shirt on. Usually it said something like 'hi, rape me and kill me please'.
So he pulled a bag of loot closer to him, dumped it out (gasp!) and then ripped, tore, and tied the bag into some semblence of a covering.
"Ra curse it," he, she, muttered to herself. "Why did I frickin' get such a big bust...."
Bakura knew (sortof) what had happened to him. Just because he was a tomb robber didn't mean he was illiterite. He could read hiroglyphs just as well as most of the preists. On most of the tombs was some script or another detailing the Pharoah's Curse, which would decend on any who dared defile the dead and turn them into something unspeakably evil.
Bakura found it both rather amusing and bemusing that that something "unspeakably evil" had been a woman.
"Well now what do I do?" she asked. Bakura-chan turned around and looked at herself in the surface of the water (Japanese honorific suffixes wouldn't come into be for another couple hundred years either, but hey, Bakura had to have some way to tell his now female self from his regular male one). She was a lot shorter then she was used to, and her hair was a lot more lavendar then silver now. Her eyes were the same though, and her chest seemed to have multiplied by about a factor of three.
Before she could contemplate herself further, a chariot pulled by two stallions came trotting up next to her. Bakura sighed as she recognised the tossled blond hair and lean figure of the Pharoah Yami's cheif of security, Jono.
"Hey miss," Jono said, grinning lopsidedly at her and unconciously smoothing his wide beaded collar over his bare chest. "Seen any demons around here?"
Before Bakura-chan could reply, Jono spied the pile of gold trinkets at her feet and gasped, his eyes narrowing. He started to step down off the chariot, and Bakura watched in a sort of facinated horror as the guardsman's feet got tangled up in the horses' reigns and he sprawled full-length in the Pool of the Pharoah's Curse.
There was a name for the pool, Bakura remembered. Jusenkyo, or something like that. It could appear and disappear at will, and it turned anyone who stumbled into it into something different. The curse was permanate, but if Bakura had his carved walls straight then there was a way to switch back and forth at will between the two forms. Something about water...
The tomb robber was snapped back to her senses as Jono began to shrink, and then she burst out laughing, doubling over in helpless hilarity, and finally collapsing onto her butt in the sand. The little mongrel dog that was Jono struggled out of the water and growled at her, giving Bakura his best doggy glare.
This, of course, only made Bakura laugh harder.
Finally Bakura climbed to her feet, wiping tears of mirth out of her face, and bent over to pick Jono up. He snapped at her, and she cursed, looking hard at him. "Now listen here mutt," she said sternly. "I know what happened to us, and I can get you back human again. And right now I'm the only one that knows you're really Jono, and not just some smarter-then-average dog."
Jono thought about this for a moment, and then whimpered, tucking his tail between his legs. Bakura nodded, and then bent to pick him up. She deposited the little dog in the bottom of the chariot and then climbed up herself, picking up the reigns. She flicked them across the horses' backs, and they galloped off across the sand.
Only Jono, whimpering next to her feet, caught the words she was muttering under her breath.
"Good Geb, going to see the pharaoh of my own free will... What is the world coming to..."
Pharaoh Yami looked up from his great golden throne as the door to his throne room opened to admit his good friend and close advisor, Seto. The high preist bowed low, and Yami extended the rod and flail of Kemet to him as a sign of peace. "What brings you here Seto? Usually you do not come with the weekly reports until tomorrow."
"A matter of urgency, m'lord," Seto said, striding forward to stand in front of his pharaoh. "I have reports that Bakura the tomb robber has struck again."
Yami growled and leaped to his feet. "That scum! I'll rip his head off his body and throw him to the crocodiles!"
"Sit down Yami," Seto said, rather more forcefully then was necissary. Yami gave him a long look, but did as bid. "There is more," the priest continued after a moment. "The guards stationed at the tomb gave chase, and they claim that Bakura fell into an oasis, and changed form."
A tiny memory niggled at the back of Yami's mind, and he frowned slightly, trying to capture it. "Changed into what?"
"They didn't say, m'pharaoh. I sent Jono out to see if there was even any truth to the reports at all. He hasn't returned, but his chariot has been seen returning. He should be here momentarily."
Yami nodded at Seto's wise decision, but before more could be done, the great doors of the throne room were thrown open so forcefully that they banged against the walls behind, causing both men to jump and Seto to whirl around.
Framed in the doorway was a buxom young woman dressed in rags who barely came to Seto's waist, and probably only to Yami's shoulder. She was scowling something feirce, highlighting the familiar-looking crossed scars down one cheek. She was carrying a whining yellow and tan dog tucked under one arm.
"Who are you?" Seto demanded, moving between Yami and the girl. "How dare you bring that filth in here!" (He may have been conspiring to have Yami killed, but that didn't mean he didn't have to keep up appearances of being loyal. After all, if Yami himself started to suspect Seto of being traiterous, it was all over for him and his 'Down-With-Pharaoh-Yami' movement, of which Bakura was actually a member. But that is, of course, a much different story.)
She frowned slightly, and a moment later the priest was on his back on the floor, blinking up at the ceiling and the woman was approaching the throne. Yami raised an eyebrow and sat up straighter. (After all, she had just tossed a man twice her size and three times her weight over her shoulder.) "And you are...?"
"Bakura," she growled, bowing mockingly to him.
Yami chuckled. "Most amusing, young lady."
She scowled at him. "Amusing nothing." She pointed to the little dog, who looked up guiltily at them from where he'd been about to take a wizz on Seto's robe. "Your cheif of security managed to fall into the Pool of the Pharaoh's Curse after I was stupid enough to trip into it. Does anyone have any hot water around?"
Yami's mouth dropped open, and he got down on the floor to stare at the dog. "Jono?"
The dog yapped and nodded his head, causing Yami to blink. He then turned to Bakura. "Then you really are-"
"I said that, didn't I?" she snapped, arms crossed across her chest. "Now get me the Ra-forsaken hot water!"
The stunned Seto sat up, slowly shaking his head. "It won't work. Once cursed, you stay in the cursed form for six months, and after that you can switch with hot and cold water. But not before."
Bakura and Jono just stared at him. "You mean I'm stuck for six months??" Bakura squealed, grabbing the priest by the collar dispite the fact that Seto was, as noted, twice her height.
Seto grunted. "Unhand me Tomb Robber, or I'll have you thrown in the dungeons." He suddenly looked toughtful. "Actually, while I've got you right here, I may as well throw you in the dungeons anyway..." He made a grab for Bakura, but she'd slipped out of his grasp and was running toward the door.
Yami and Jono-Inu exchanged glances as Seto took off after the thief. "Should we go after them?" Yami asked, and Jono yapped once. "You're right. They'll be back eventually. Come on, lets go find you some food." Jono yapped again, this time more happily, and set off after his friend.
It was about an hour later that Jono-Inu spied Bakura-chan trotting back across the sand and began to bark. Getting up from where he'd been sitting in the courtyard, Yami wandered over to him. "What is it Jono?" Jono yapped again as Bakura came closer, and began to wag his tail.
As the tomb robber got closer, it became increasingly apparent that she was alone. Seto was no where to be seen. Or was he? Bakura held a squirming cat in one arm, and was snickering quite evilly. The cat was a blackish-brown, and had a wide, beaded collar around its neck, like the sort Seto regularly wore. The cat also had narrow blue eyes.
Jono-Inu began to bark louder, all but bouncing up and down in his excitement at seeing his main enemy/rival being reduced to cat state. His tail was wagging so hard that his whole hind-end was vibrating wildly. Yami groaned slightly as Bakura-chan let the cat down, and the two animals began to warily circle each other. "What did you do to my priest, Bakura?"
Bakura smirked and shrugged. "Is it my fault that his robes are so tight he can't jump over a simple log in the sand?"
That stopped Yami momentarily, as Jono-Inu and Seto-Neko continued to circle each other. "What was a log doing in the sand?"
Bakura shrugged. "Beats me, all I know is that the Pool was on the other side and your 'wise' high priest tripped right into it."
Yami glared at him. "Like you were?"
Bakura eyed him and opened her mouth to say something, then thought better of it and shut it again. "Never mind, you aren't worth it."
"What did you say?" Yami asked, his eyes narrowing.
"Now now pharaoh, wouldn't want any servants to see you assulting an innocent lady, would you?" Bakura asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him.
"Ugh..." Yami grimaced, already thouroughly disgusted with this whole ordeal. "If you're an innocent lady, then I don't want to be a man anymore..." Absently he reached down to pick up Jono-Inu to keep him from tearing Seto-Neko to pieces.
Bakura's face took on a peculiar look of shrewd delight. "I suppose that could be arranged..."
"Don't you dare." Yami said warningly, while the animals barked and hissed their agreement.
Bakura-chan frowned, glancing back and forth between Yami's stern face, Jono-inu, who was all but foaming at the mouth, and Seto-neko, who had his ears pinned back in agression. "Well I can clearly see where I'm not wanted..." Folding her arms behind her head she turned and made to stroll off.
"Wait!" Yami called after her in resignation. "It wouldn't do for the general fellahin to find out the curse is real. I order you to stay in the palace until the six-month staying period has worn off."
Bakura-chan turned and grinned widely at him, proudly desplaying her pointed teeth. "When have I ever listened to anything you ordered, pharaoh?"
Yami ground his teeth in frustration. "Why don't I just rip her head off and be done with it?" he muttered, half to himself and half to Jono, who was still in his arms. He sighed and spoke louder. "Thief, what do you think will happen when those pitifuls you call 'friends' find out you're suddenly a woman? Care to take on the title 'Thief Queen', mayhaps?"
Bakura's face turned almost purple in anger, making the scars on her cheek stand out brilliantly. "Why you little.... Fine! I'll stay here, if that's what you so desire, Mighty One." she bowed sarcasticly, but came up smirking. "Besides, it'll give me a chance to check out the security on that treasure vault of yours." Picking up Seto-neko under one arm she walked off toward the palace, laughing insanely. Yami paled, before running off after the young woman, Jono-inu yapping at his heels.
That night, rather than eating alone, as was the pharaonic tradition, Yami called a conclave of his circle of priests (well, the ones that were still human) as well as his advisor. Yami sat at the head of the table, too worried to eat even as the servants sat plates of his favorite meal before him. Under his chair Jono and Seto, for the moment unknown to the rest of the room save Yami and Bakura-chan, squabbled over the small dish of leftovers Yami had set there for them. To Yami's immediate left Bakura-chan, seemingly ignoring all the strange stares she was getting, fell on her food and began to gobble it down as if it were all high cuisine (which it was). Yami ignored her in return, trying his best to keep the twitch his eyes were developing from showing.
To Yami's right sat his most trusted priest besides Seto, Mahaado. At the other end of the table, directly across from Yami, sat Simon, his advisor and mentor, as well as old tutor. Spaced out around the remaining space were Yami's four remaining priests. Mahaado and Karimu were talking quietly to each other, darting nervous and worried looks toward their pharaoh. Aishizu and Akunadin both sat calmly, casually glancing around in indifference (although it may be noted that Akunadin was chanting some sort of mantra under his breath. It also may be noted that if it had been loud enough, it might have sounded suspiciously like "I'm a happy little buffalo, I'm a happy little buffalo..."). Shadii was frowning slightly and fingering the Ankh almost reflexively.
Suddenly Yami's breath caught in his throat and his eyes flew toward Bakura-chan. After a moment he reached under his chair and grabbed Seto-neko by the collar, electing a soft hiss out of the priest-turned-feline as Yami hauled him up and into his lap. Trying to look like he was just inconspicuously petting a cat, Yami bent over so he could whisper sharply, "Seto, you little mongrel of a high priest! Where's the Rod?!"
The cat hissed sharply and flicked his tail toward Bakura-chan. Yami's frown deepened as he let Seto off his lap and stood up to address his inner circle. "It has recently come to my attention that the Assyrians to the north are becoming restless. They resent Egyptian rule and are starting to stir up dissention among our northern colonies. I have sent Seto and Jono, along with a detachment of the army, to see what can be done about this. I hope to restore order without having to resort to war."
He was lying through his teeth, and Bakura knew it. She choked on a piece of chicken in her attempt to hold back laughter, and Yami had to reach over and pound her on the back. "Get your hands off me," she hissed as soon as she was able. Yami quickly did so, afraid she would bite him or something. Looking up, he noticed his priests and Simon staring at him.
"Er..." Yami searched around franticly, trying to come up with a way to explain Bakura-chan. "This is..."
"Bathsheba," Bakura supplied quickly, fluttering her eyelashes girlishly at the court. "Pharaoh found me in the desert being attacked by a vile gang of robbers, and was kind enough to save me and bring me back here." She forced herself to giggle, trying not to retch at the thought of her own words.
Aishizu frowned, stroking the Tauk around her neck. "Well," she said, raising her chin a little to look down her nose at Bakura-chan. "Bakura must be getting desperate if he'll send his thieves after little ragamuffins like you. You hardly look worth a penny. And those clothes, what did you do, steal them from some poor mummy?"
Bakura-chan's face turned red and she tried to get out of her seat, but Yami grabbed her arm to hold her down. "How dare you insult me! I'll have you know that Bakura would have plenty of reasons to try and rob me! I happen to be the daughter of a powerful lord far to the south. Father sent me north to be married off." This wasn't in the least true, of course, but there wasn't any way in hell Bakura was going to let some girly priestess insult her. "Bakura's band killed my entire retinue. I was the only one left alive. They were dragging me back to Bakura himself when Pharaoh stepped in to save me."
Yami rolled his eyes. Bakura was being just a tad melodramatic.
"Ah, praise Horus!" Simon said, lifting his eyes toward the ceiling of the dining hall. "It's about time Yami found himself a queen, not just those peasent concubines he keeps lying around in the harem. I'll have the papers drawn up at once."
Yami and Bakura froze, and turned slowly to stare at the elderly advisor. "What papers?" Bakura asked, her voice dangerously low, at the same time Yami blurted indignantly "Peasent concubines?!" The two exchanged horrified glances and then exclaimed as one "Queen?!?"
"I can't marry him!" Bakura shrieked. "Dammit, I'm a guy-OWW!" She kicked Seto-neko off from where he'd bitten her ankle. "Flea-bitten rat-catcher of a priest! I ought to skewer you on your own Rod!!" She made to reach behind her, when Seto bit her again, harder this time. She howled and began chasing the priest-turned-cat around the dining hall, spouting curses no lady should know.
Thankfully, this was the lesser of the two commotions going on, so no one really paid attention to what "Bathsheba" was saying. The thought of marrying Bakura was so revolting that Yami had reverted to his natural state of being. Whiny. "But Simon!" Yami pleaded, sounding more like an eight-year-old spoiled prince than a nineteen-year-old pharaoh. "I can't marry her! She's... she's..." he flailed, trying to come up with some secure reason not to have to marry Bakura-chan. 'She's a guy' would make him sound like a lunatic, and 'But she's Bakura' wasn't much better. "Just look at her! Lavendar hair with a tan that deep? It's like she's been in the sun since she was born. And that horrid scar! It reminds me of Bakura! She's the ugliest thing on two legs and dressed in less than what Mana usually wears!"
Mahaado snorted at the implied insult to his protogée, but Yami wasn't paying attention anymore. He stiffened as the slight prick in the middle of his back alerted him to the fact that somehow, some way Bakura-chan had managed to hide a knife in what little outfit she had on, and was now standing right behind him. No one else could see the knife, but Yami sure as hell could feel it. He gulped, very softly. He could call the guards on her, or have his priests magick her, but he'd probably lose his kidneys in the process.
"It's not nice to insult a lady." Bakura-chan said softly in his ear, her eyes glinting in malice. "I swear Pharaoh, I am not marrying you if it means telling all these akh-Seth priests your little curse secret. I am not going to be forced to marry another guy!"
"I feel exactly the same, tomb robber." Yami said quietly so that it just seemed to the other priests like they were whispering to each other. None of them could hear the exact words exchanged. "But if we want to avoid this we'll have to work together and that means not having Pharaoh-Kidney Pie for supper tonight. Kindly remove the knife from my back before I throw you to the crocodiles."
"As you wish, Your Majesty." Bakura said sarcasticly. But nevertheless, the knife disappeared back into somewhere in her clothing and she stepped away from Yami, allowing him to relax a little. Glancing around at the gaping priests, Yami straightened his crown self-conciously just as Jono-inu and Seto-neko, who'd been missing for the past couple of minutes, tore into the room at high speed. Seto jumped easily into the startled Aishizu's arms and began to purr loudly as Jono hopped around the priestess's feet, yapping at the top of his tiny little lungs.
Silence reigned in the hall for a few minues, save for the captain and the high priest, before Bakura-chan clapped her hands with false-enthusiasim and said cheerfully, "So, where do I get to sleep?"
WSJ: ^^ *has calmed down a little from her sugar-high* Well there. Thus ends the first chapter. Don't worry, things will get a lot better. ^~ After all, six months is a long time for a man to be a woman...
As mentioned, Yami's 19. Bakura-chan is about 20, Mahaado is 25, Mana's 23, Aishizu's 24, Karimu's 24, Jono's 18, and Seto's 21. ^~ Those are the main characters in this here drama. The others will definately show up, but not as much.
*makes a face* Yes, this first chapter reeks strongly of Yami/Bakura, but I don't do yaoi. And believe me, I have great plans for Yami that would make Yami/Bakura impossible... *evil grin* However, there will be Yami/Anzu/Bakura, as well as Seto/Aishizu/Karimu and Mahaado/Mana, as well as possible Otogi/Shizuka waaaaaay in the future. There will be a lot of yaoi jokes though.
I've tried to make this as authentic as possible as far as solid facts go, but obviously there is a good deal of surrealisism mixxed in. ^~ Mahaado and Karimu, especially, may seem a bit happy-go-lucky. :p Oh yes, and Diabound will be around later on. You'll see...
^^ I think that's it on first chapter notes. Oh wait, one more! This is for SerenaArythusa's ancient Egypt contest. ^^ Enter! She needs more entries!!! Don't let me win by default, okay?
Big thanks, hugs, and a Jono-inu-plushie to Brood Mayran-neesan for her betaing skills. ^^
God bless minna-san!