Title: "Once Upon a December" Part 1 Author: Daphne E-mail: Srtaborradora84@yahoo.com Archive: Let me know if you do Disclaimer: I don't owe them and I have no money so don't sue me. Category: Mac - POV, songfic, H/M Rating: PG, maybe PG-13 Summary: Mac spends Christmas alone until Mattie talks some sense into Harm Spoilers: heavy on "Merry Christmas" and basically season 9 Author Note: song "Once Upon a December" by Deana Carter

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1200 25 December 2003 Mac's Apartment

It's a Wonderful Life is playing on the TV in my living room for the second time that day. "At least someone has a wonderful life." I sigh and head into the kitchen to pop my TV-dinner into the microwave. I'm completely alone on Christmas. In fact, I spent Christmas Eve alone too, despite what I told Harm. I didn't have a date with Webb last night. I just had to get away before I got sucked back into that dance again. I didn't want to ruin his Christmas by us fighting again. He deserves to be happy for once. And considering the last time we talked-.It was just better that he thought I had plans.

He didn't fight me. But, God I wanted him to. And I know that doesn't really make sense, but I was so scared. I'd been through so much and then we'd been so awful to each other. And then, of course, he tabled the discussion like he always does and eluded to his true feelings instead of just stating them. I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong, that we would be able to work as an us, but he didn't. And I was faced with the bitter reality that if he didn't disagree then he'd probably been having the same thoughts. I really wasn't ready for that revelation.

Honestly, I'd been looking forward to this Christmas ever since last year. We always seem to get closer during the holidays and I was hoping for maybe another chance under the mistletoe. And then Paraguay happened. Go ahead and sum up our relationship.Russia, Sydney, Paraguay. That's it, that's us in a nut-shell. Now looking back, it's getting harder to even remember when things were good between us.

Dancing Bears Painted wings Things I almost remember And a song someone sings Once upon a December

We used to be so close and it seemed that being together was inevitable. Everything that happened was pointing towards us. Even when we were stuck out in the desert in Afghanistan, he held me so close to try to keep me warm and safe from the elements, at least that was the excuse anyway. It just felt so right and a bit scary as to how perfectly our bodies fit together. And then, like always, we were ripped out of our peacefully cohabitation. That's how it always is. We're happy and then we're hurled into a hopeless abyss.

Someone holds me safe and warm Horses prance through a silver storm Figures dancing gracefully Across my memory

And then for some reason we started to grow apart. I realize that I couldn't be there for him during the Singer thing, but I wasn't allowed to. The Admiral would've had my six nailed to the wall before I even got to Harm's side. But when I showed up at his apartment before I left, he seemed happy to see me. That is until he thought he was losing me, and then all the sudden after years of no real attention.boom! He didn't want me to go. He got all caring and protective.

Far away Long ago Glowing dim as an ember Things my heart used to know Once upon a December

I hated walking out of the loft that night. When he said my name, I actually for a split second thought I'd hear the words I'd been waiting for. And then I remembered who I was talking about and knew he'd never get passed my name, so I walked out and went on with my mission. But then it all went to hell and I was so scared of what they would do to me. Strapped to that table, I felt so powerless and vulnerable.and I'm not just talking about physically. And then the door opened and he seemed to have this aura about him.my superman was there to rescue me yet again.

Someone holds me safe and warm Horses prance through a silver storm Figures dancing gracefully Across my memory

And then came all the stingy jabs and comments. My heart broke with every hurtful comment that came my way. And he said he gave up everything for me, but then he wasn't willing to give up that last little part.control. He couldn't say the words. He couldn't have the discussion. Now where in that am I to understand that he wants a relationship? After eight years, the discussion was still tabled and it's not like either of us is that young anymore. I can't wait forever, my heart won't take it. But, if I would've known that saying never to a romantic relationship with him would mean that I had to lose him completely, I never would've opened my mouth. I would've left him continue to suck away the happiness that I had to be alive by commenting on everything bad. I would've continued to play whatever game it is that we play. I would've continued the dance forever, but no.I had to lose everything. And now it's been half a year and we're so far apart now that I barely remember what if felt like to have him close.

Far away Long ago Glowing dim as an ember Things my heart used to know Things it yearns to remember

And a song someone sings Once upon a December

All I do know is that I miss him terribly. I miss what we had and the hope of what we'd one day have. And I would do anything to get him back.to get us back. That's why I did what I did yesterday. I had to make him see that he could trust me. I had to try to start paying him back for saving me in Paraguay. And he didn't say Thank you, which neither did I so I guess we're even now. He said that reformed addicts were annoying, well at least my mistakes and short comings helped get Mattie out of a fateful situation. So even if it didn't prove anything to Harm, at least another child won't have to grow up with an alcoholic father and have to fend for herself.

I plop down on the couch with my TV dinner in my hands. It looks so.unappetizing today. I sigh and set it on the coffee table before curling up on the couch. "Merry Christmas, Harm." I whisper.

TBC