Title: Albus, I Knocked up a Weasley Authors: Runny Ink and Justin Thyme Email: readingintheshower@yahoo.com Fandom: Harry Potter Archiving: Ask and you shall receive Rating: PG-13 Categories: Humor, MPreg, very mild Slash Pairing: RW and SS, but not a romantic pairing. Summary: Due to an accident, Ron is expecting and Professor Snape is the father. Mild slash but not between RW and SS (and pretty one sided). Warnings: We were going for humor. Sorry if we fell short :-). This is a story of male pregnancy. There will be some very mild slash, but not acted upon and not between the pairing. OOC Harry, as well. Disclaimer: We own nothing, and hopefully the owners won't be too upset with what we've done with the characters.

Prologue: When an Originally Stupid Plan Goes Horribly Wrong

For Ron, his seventh year at Hogwarts had been going well, until about a third of the term was gone; that's when Hermione had started freaking out about N.E.W.T.S. and Harry had started fretting over each and every one of his Quidditch games. They were the last he'd ever play for Gryffindor, he'd reminded Ron when he had talked him into practicing with him, looking on the verge of crying.

This meant that Ron's every waking moment was now taken up by either Hermione's insane study schedule that she had so thoughtfully provided her two best friends, or flying around with Harry. Normally, flying around with Harry was great, but over the past month, Harry had become more and more - the only word Ron could think of was - protective over Ron, to the point that he had actually reached out and started guiding Ron's broom. Ron was seriously considering consulting with Madame Pomfrey about his friend's mental health, or jinxing Harry's broom so it went out of control when anywhere near Ron.

Heaving a deep sigh, Ron headed back towards Gryffindor Tower. Broom slung over one shoulder, he was returning from one such annoying practice session. Harry had wanted to stay out longer; it was Saturday so there were no classes, but there was a study schedule they were both avoiding. Ron hoped to avoid both the books and his odd friend, so he had begged off after an hour, saying he had a headache. He only hoped he could get to his dorm before being spotted by Hermione.

At that very moment, Professor Snape was headed towards the hospital wing, carrying a supply of Dilly Willy No contraceptive potion for the older students. That year wasn't turning out much better for him. It seemed that one of his least favorite students, one Hermione Granger, had gotten it into her head that he wouldn't be in such a foul mood all the time if he had a little 'companionship.' Since Miss Granger was in charge of the seating for that year's formal Christmas party, she had taken it upon herself to put him smack dab in the middle of a group of eligible female professors. He wouldn't have known about it if it weren't for the teasing he was getting from the head master.

"Brats, the lot of them," he muttered darkly as he swept down the nearly deserted hall. "No amount of 'companionship' will make me ever like those over-sexed monsters. I ought to switch the contraceptive with a rash inducer; that would serve the deviants right."

Both professor and student carried on, lost in their own thoughts and not caring to watch where they were going. It was almost inevitable. As they approached each other in the hallway, neither looked up, both having encountered no one else. It wasn't surprising that they collided.

The surprising bit, however, was the hex that was thrown out at them just as Ron crashed head long into his tall potions professor. Off in a side hall, hidden from view, Crabbe and Goyle had been waiting for an opportunity to get Harry, Ron or Hermione; which one, they weren't picky about. Draco had been in a bad mood lately, as well, and they had hoped that a nice little prank on his favorite nemesis and friends would cheer him up. It wasn't anything that would hurt him. Just a harmless reversal spell that would have had Ron walking and talking backwards until the counter curse had been administered. Unfortunately, things don't always go as planned. Not suprising since both were about as magical as an audit from the Ministry tax agents.

The two thick (in more ways than one) boys had not noticed their head of house was in the way until it was too late. Crabbe and Goyle had lunged out of the alcove at the same time, bashing themselves together and crossing their wands, as they both shouted the curse. What they had forgotten to do was decide who was going to do the casting; each one had assumed it would be himself. Purple sparks, something that wasn't supposed to happen, shot out of their wands and struck Ron, Snape and the bottles of potion.

Several things happened at once, in a matter of seconds. The potion bottles exploded in Snape's hand, glass flying out of the carrier and slicing one of his hands badly. As the potion spattered, so did the blood that was coming out of what ended up being a gushing wound on the heel of his hand. The professor had the sense to quickly turn his head away the moment he heard the shattering glass; Ron, on the other had, had been taken by surprise and yelled out.

Which is why the potion, mixed with some of Snape's blood, hit him full in the face and into his mouth as the spell did its job. Though not in the way expected.

And that was how it started. That was how Ron Weasley and Severus Snape's school year got a whole lot worse.

Chapter One: Someone, Please Tell Me This is a Nightmare!

Severus hit the floor clutching his hand to himself, clenching his jaw so he wouldn't yell just as loudly as Mr. Weasley had. Once he was certain he wouldn't embarrass himself by crying out in pain, he looked around, taking stock of what had happened.

Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle were standing above him, slack jaws hanging open in surprise and wands at their sides. Mr. Weasley was on the floor across from him, seemingly unhurt. His mouth was also hanging open in shock, the purple potion, and some blood the professor was sure was his own, coating the boy's face and shirt.

Severus looked down at the shattered bottles. There was purple potion spattered all over the carpet in the hall as well as more of his blood. That wasn't right. That potion had been a pale yellow.

"What have you two incompetents done?!" Professor Snape bellowed at his students.

The two Slytherins exchanged panicked glances, looking rather pale, before turning back to their professor. They shook their heads, panic freezing their tongues. Snape just glowered at them.

"Goyle, go find the headmaster and tell him there has been an accident and that Mr. Weasley and myself are in the hospital wing. Crabbe, you are coming with me, and you *will* explain yourselves," Severus stood up and looked down at the still shocked and dazed Ron. "Mr. Weasley, I suggest you close your gapping mau and follow me to see Madame Pompfrey. God only knows what you've ingested."

Ron scrambled to his feet and chased after the potions master who was already stalking down the hall in a billow of cloak.

* * *

Ron was frightened. Madame Pomfrey had had little trouble fixing Professor Snape's hand, though Ron had made the mistake of looking at it before she had finished. He thought he was going to be sick at the sight of that ragged cut, oozing copious amounts of blood. The results of the potion he had swallowed, however, had yet to be determined.

"A reversal hex," Albus Dumbledore mused as he sat perched on the side of Ron's bed. "Harmless; inconvenient, possibly even humorous, but harmless. And Severus, you said that the potion was a new batch of contraceptive?"

"Yes, Professor," Snape replied, rolling his eyes. "I was on my way to deliver the concoction you insist on providing for these hypersexual teenagers when Mr. Weasley was ambushed and I was caught in the cross fire."

"Yes, indeed," Albus laughed lightly. "Though I doubt Mr.'s Crabbe and Goyle intended to cross wands. I'm afraid there's just no way to tell what the altered potion may have done, at least not yet."

"Here we are," Madame Pomfrey twittered as she flowed into the room, handing Ron a glass. "Hopefully this will purge the potion."

"Here goes," Ron muttered as he eyed the stagnant looking concoction. He chugged it down as quickly as possible to avoid tasting it.

"We'll know for certain tomorrow if there are any side affects," Pomfrey announced. "In the mean time I prefer to keep Mr. Weasley here where I can keep an eye on him. Hopefully, that mixed up spell only changed the color of the potion."

"On that note, we'll leave you to rest," Dumbledore said, patting Ron on the shoulder.

Snape simply stalked out, muttering darkly about detentions and Filch's beloved chains and thumbscrews.

Ron sighed heavily, wondering if it could get any worse, and seriously hoping he wouldn't find out.

* * *


Startled out of a light doze, Ron opened his eyes to find Harry leaning over him, worry in his eyes.

"Professor McGonagall told Hermione and me what happened. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I guess," Ron replied, scooting up a little so that Harry wasn't quite so close. "I don't feel any different, at least. It was just a bunged up hex is all."

"That's a relief. Here, I brought you something."

"Thanks, Harry," Ron smiled, perking up as he was handed a small pile of chocolate frogs. "Is Hermione coming to visit?"

"She's in the library right now, but she said she'd come by with your study materials so you don't get too behind."

"Ohhh! Nice!" Ron said sarcastically. Both boys laughed.

* * *

The next morning, Harry returned, this time with Hermione, right after breakfast.

"Have you heard anything?" Hermione asked, anxiously.

"Not yet," Ron replied. "Madame Pomfrey is supposed to do some more tests to see if that screwy potion messed me up. But boy, I tell you what, I'm a bit more hungry than usual. My breakfast this morning wasn't exactly filling."

"I can get you something," Harry assured, brushing a stray hair out of Ron's eyes.

"Thanks, Harry, maybe later," Ron blinked at him, a little weirded out by his behavior.

Madame Pomfrey chose that moment to walk in, eyeing Ron's guests with a slight smile.

"All right, you two," she said. "Give us a moment so that I may check Mr. Weasley over."

Harry and Hermione left to wait outside while she turned back to her patient.

"Ok, dear, I just need to check your reproductive organs. Everything else is fine, but since that's what the potion was originally for it's likely that's what might be affected."

Ron laid back and allowed the medi-witch to pass her wand over him. A glow from the wand and a mist rose up, telling Madame Pomfrey something that Ron wasn't privy to. She frowned and then passed the wand over him again. After a moment, she shook her head.

"Ok, dear, I'll call Harry in here to sit with you. Hold tight."

Ron didn't bother asking her what the problem was. He had a feeling he didn't want to know. After a moment, Harry was next to him, gripping his hand in an alarmingly tight manner.

"Pomfrey has sent Hermione to get Dumbledore. She wouldn't say what for. Did she tell you?"

"No," Ron admitted, prying his fingers from Harry's grasp. "I'm not sure I want to know."

They sat in an uneasy silence until Hermione returned with Professor Dumbledore and Snape in tow.

"It is a good thing Severus was in my office," the headmaster told Poppy as they gathered around Ron's bed. "Long as he was there, he might want to know what the trouble is."

"He most certainly should know," Pomfrey replied, distress obvious in her voice. "Harry, Hermione, thank you for your help, but you should be off now. We have some things to discuss."

"I'd rather they stay," Ron spoke up, suddenly more frightened than even before.

"Go ahead, Poppy," Dumbledore smiled. "He'll tell them later, anyhow. How has the, ah, adjusted potion affected Mr. Weasley?"

"Amazingly," she began, wringing her hands, "he's pregnant."

Everyone turned to look at Snape.

* * *

Severus felt like a blood vessel was going to burst in his head.

"Why are you all looking at me?" he asked in what he perceived was a calm voice.

"Even with a magically induced pregnancy, it still takes two," Poppy replied. "And you did say that your blood was mixed with the potion. He had to have swallowed some of your blood with the potion."

"But it was a contraceptive!" Ron exclaimed, finally finding his voice. This time when Harry grasped his hand, he didn't shake him off; he squeezed back just as hard. He was vaguely aware of Hermione climbing onto the bed on the other side of him and holding his shoulders.

"Yes, well, I imagine that's where the messed up reversal spell comes in."

"That still doesn't mean that I'm the. the. *father* of this child," the potions professor snarled. "He may not have gotten any of my blood in his mouth and if I recall correctly, he was carrying a broom with him at the time. He was probably off flying with Potter. He spends every waking moment with Potter and Granger. Either one of them could be the other the contributor."

"He would have had to have gotten quiet a bit of their DNA in his system just before or after taking the potion for it to have affected him."

"Well," Severus smiled evilly. "Perhaps he and Potter weren't flying just before he came back into the school."

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Ron said, his tone dangerous. Snape just gave him a snarky smile.

"I can do a paternity test right now," Madame Pomfry broke in, hoping to avoid a confrontation. "I can have the results in just a few minutes."

The next few minutes were very tense.

* * *

"He can not have this child!"

"Now Severus," Albus tried to sooth the irate man. "It is not Ron's fault that he is carrying your child. It was an unfortunate accident. There is no need to yell at him."

"Actually, I'm with Professor Snape on this one," Ron cried. "I want it out of me!"

"Ron, think about this," Harry said hurriedly, placing a hand over Ron's still flat abdomen. "This is your child we're talking about."

"I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother!"

"But Ron, this is fantastic!" Hermione cut in. "There aren't many accounts of wizards getting pregnant."

"Oh, Hermione, I'm really not interested in becoming part of the history of the wizarding world! I do not want to be a mother!"

"Be that as it may," Dumbledore interrupted, "you are only seventeen. We're going to have to inform your parents and have their permission before you can have an abortion. I also feel that you need more time to think about this. You may find you want to go through with the pregnancy after all."

"Excuse me," Snape said with false patience, raising his hand to get their attention. "Don't I have a say in this?"

"Not really," Poppy answered. "You can't make him get rid of the fetus. However, if he does choose to abort and you don't want him to, you can take him to court to contest the action."

"Contest the action?" Severus turned to Ron, an unfamiliar look on his face. Ron suddenly realized it was pleading. "I'll give you high marks on your potions N.E.W.T.S. if you just agree to end this pregnancy."

"Severus!" Poppy exclaimed, horrified.

"Agreed," Ron replied, a determined look on his face.

"Ron!" Harry and Hermione blurted in unison, just as horrified as the medi- witch had been.

"I do believe that emotions are running high," Dumbledore broke in. "I suggest we all sleep on this. Yes, you as well, Severus. Keep in mind that despite the circumstances, it's still your child."

"Albus, please, I've knocked up a Weasley!"

"So you have, so you have. No matter. We still have to contact his parents. I'll send an owl to them immediately. Poppy, is their any reason for Mr. Weasley to remain in the hospital wing?"

"No, he can return to his dormitory."

"Well then, I suggest we all get some fresh air and wait for Ron's parents to reply before making any decisions."

* * *

It was only two days before the headmaster was once again summoning Severus, this time to his office. When he arrived, he noticed that the Weasley brat was already present along with Potter, Granger and Professor McGonagall.

"Ah, good, just in time," Professor Dumbledore smiled, eyes twinkling. "I was just about to give Mr. Weasley the letter from his mother. It came with the same owl as mine and I thought it best if we were all present."

Ron took the letter from Dumbledore with shaking hands. Snape watched through narrowed eyes as the red head opened the envelope and began to read. The growing paleness of the boy and a spluttering fit were not helping Severus in the least.

"Considering what was said in my own letter, I can well imagine that you'd be having this reaction," the headmaster said kindly, coming around his desk to stand beside Ron and lay a fatherly hand on his shoulder. "Your mother will be staying in Gryffindor tower for the time being. I'm sure we can find something for her to do to keep her occupied."

"His mother is coming here?" Snape asked before silence could descend. "What, exactly, do these letters say?"

Ron, still pale but eyes blazing furiously, glared at his least favorite professor.

"She's thrilled!" he sputtered. "She's always wanted another child and couldn't wait to have grandchildren! I've been informed that if I'm not ready to raise a child, she will. Congratulations, you're going to be a father!"

If it weren't for Albus standing there to catch him, Severus would have hit the floor as his world collapsed around him and he fainted dead away.


A/N: I realize that no formal Christmas party is ever mentioned in the books (except for #4, but that was a special occasion). For the purpose of this story, we're going to pretend that Hogwarts has a formal to do just before the students leave for their winter holiday.