Analyzing Communication Failure

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

"What part of being punched in the face didn't you understand?" Even as I say it I groan inwardly. Wasn't it only a few hours ago I was telling Mom how Spike looks at getting beaten up as making it to third base? And didn't Willow confirm that by saying that Spike had complained when Dru left him because she didn't even cut off his head or anything. That if she'd tried to kill him he'd have seen that as a sign that she still cared. Instead she had said she wanted to be friends.

I read a story for English once where the point was indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. I don't buy it, but I guess Spike does.

So why'd I hit him? It's never conveyed the message before. I hope Wills' uninvited spell does the trick, cause I don't think I can stand there listening to Spike profess his love for me while I remember that creepy shrine thing he had set up and not go postal.

My way worked on the guys in High School. I really hit them or shove them up against a locker and the suddenly no more unwanted attention. But it doesn't work so well on Spike. No humiliation factor I guess. The macho-macho types at Sunnydale High didn't mess with me because the idea of a little girl like me pounding them into the ground was just too embarrassing to be faced. The Initiative guys had some of the same mentality. Forrest certainly demonstrated that.

Spike doesn't see a cute little girly type when he looks at me, he sees the Slayer. I've taken on the Master and Angelus and walked away the winner. Spike isn't embarrassed when I kick his butt, heck it's probably some sort of status thing that he's not dust yet.

It's like me sparring with Riley verses me sparring with Angel. Both of them loose more often than not… Okay Riley never wins and that's with me holding back, but it's the afterwards that's really different. Riley would always say "Give me a week or two, I'll take you." Angel would smile and point out ways I could have taken him more quickly. Riley needed to delude himself that he had some shot at beating me to assuage the whole male pride thing. Angel could say I'm stronger than he is without it being anything but a statement of fact.

I wonder if it's just because I'm the Slayer. I mean would it bug Spike or Angel if a girl vampire beat them in a fight or would it be no different than getting beaten by a guy vampire. I think it would matter. I mean they were both human back in the way old days when girls were supposed to be delicate helpless things, that's got to carry over. Which doesn't matter at all, because I am the Slayer.

I know hitting Spike doesn't work. I even kinda know why. So the question is; why'd I hit him?

First off Spike's a vampire, I'm a vampire slayer, his presence turns on all sorts of pummeling reflexes. I even hit Angel when I shouldn't have, harder than I'd ever hit a human. Then there's all that stuff Spike had… his Buffy-doll and all those pictures and my clothes! I'm not kidding about how seriously creepy that was.

Demons out to conquer or destroy the world, that's a normal week for me, I've gotten jaded. A demon stalking me… that's only happened once before. And he, the soulless version of Angel, knew how totally disturbing he was being. Spike's doing it cause he thinks he loves me! How sick is that… He knows what Angel did to me and he goes and does the same thing to show how much he likes me!

Then the whole thing's so human, you see stories about weirdoes stalking people on the news on a regular basis. It's part of the so-called "normal world" the one I'm always at a loss in. The regular demon stuff, that I get; I'm the Slayer. Dealing with that is what I do; I'm the pro, the acknowledged best in the world. The only Slayer not dead or sitting on her hands in a jail cell cause she's crazy. It's strange considering how much I used to long for a normal life, but I'm most comfy when I'm being the Slayer. I know how to handle that stuff… Mostly.

And maybe that's part of why I just lashed out at Spike instead of thinking. There are some parts of the Slayer that aren't so comfy. The purely predatory part comes to mind. It's cold and calculating. Very, very pragmatic. I don't like that side of me much; it's too much like the things I fight.

When Spike had me chained up and offered me Drucillia's life for just a little bit of hope, that part of me said. "Give it to him. Get him to dust Drucillia. When he unchains you do the same to him, cause hey, he just proved he isn't safe not even with the chip."

I don't want to be that cold. This guy's trying as hard as he can to prove his love for me, and I'm thinking about how I could most easily kill him? I guess Spike isn't the only one who's sick and twisted. No wonder Riley left me. There's something inside of me that's dark and scary.

"I am destruction absolute and alone… No friends, just the kill," the primal Slayer said that. That's a part of me.

I won't let that thing take over my life! So I did the stupid thing, the honorable thing. I told Spike I didn't, couldn't love him. That the sacrifice, which meant everything to him; Dru's the ultimate symbol of the life he lead pre-chip, he loved her for a century and I do realize that. Still killing her would mean nothing to me, not in the way that he wanted it to mean something to me. I don't want his sacrifices. And beyond that if I let him kill Dru for me the only way I'd ever get him out of my life would involve a dust buster afterwards.

I don't want to kill Spike for loving me. I wish he'd just go away.



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