Title: Wrong Side of the Bed
Ratings: Harry Potter fanfic. Humour/Parody. Mild violence, slash and sexual situations.
Summary: Harry wakes up and finds his world has gone nuts. Will this insane day of his ever end, much less end well?
Notes: The fictionalized title 'Irresistible Lust' is a reference to Rhysenn's slash fic Irresistible Potion.
Harry Potter woke up to find the sun streaming brightly through the windows of Gryffindor Tower. He felt well rested and ready to tackle the day ahead. So he threw off his covers and swung his feet down to the floor, ready to put his best foot forward… and promptly fell tripped on his comforter and fell to the floor. Picking himself up, he noticed that he had been spared any embarrassment because he was the only one in the dormitory. Everyone was gone.
I suppose everyone let me sleep in. After all, I did stay up late to finish that Divination assignment. So without further hesitation Harry changed into his robes, gathered his materials and left the boys dorms.
Down in the common room, Ron was waiting for him. He was perched on the edge of a plush chair and rocking back and forth restlessly. The moment he saw Harry, he leapt from his seat and grabbed Harry's arm.
"About bloody time you got down here." He exclaimed, dragging his best friend towards the portrait door. "That's the last time I let you sleep in. Let's go now. Let's go, let's go, let's go!"
"Whoa, Ron, slow down." Harry replied, yanking his arm from Ron's desperate grip. "What's gotten into you?"
Ron chewed his lower lip nervously and glanced at the stairs leading to the girl's dormitories. "Nothing. I'm just, uh… hungry. Yeah, that's it. I'm really, really hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat a triple dragon egg omelette. Can we go now?" He lunged at Harry's arm again.
"No, not yet." Harry said, wrenching his arm out of Ron's grasp. "We still have to wait for Hermione. She wouldn't leave without us."
Without warning, Ron let out a girly high pitched yelp and ran out the portrait of the Fat Lady. Harry was left scratching his head in confusion when he heard footsteps behind him.
"Good morning, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed cheerfully, lugging several books in her arms. "Ready for breakfast?"
"Er, yeah." Harry paused. "Hermione, you…"
"Yes?" Hermione answered patiently, obviously anticipating Harry's behaviour.
"You dyed you hair." Harry finished perplexedly. Hermione's formerly bushy brown hair was now sleek and black, pulled back into a ponytail that sat high on her head. However, her hair wasn't the only thing that had changed. She also wore a spike studded necklace plus a matching bracelet and oodles of dark eyeshadow. As well, Harry could swear she was wearing stiletto boots.
Hermione tugged at the raven hair cascading down her back. "Do you like it?"
Harry searched for the right words. "Well, it makes you look a little older, but it looks sort of… scary."
Hermione grinned and hugged Harry. "Oh, thank you! That's just the look I was going for!"
Ow, my ribs. When had Hermione become so strong? "What look? Scary?" Harry wheezed as she let him go and air came rushing back into his lungs.
Hermione laughed. "No, silly. Older." She peered around the common room curiously. "Where's Ron?"
Harry shook his head. "Gone. It was the strangest thing too. He seemed really in a rush to go for breakfast. He bolted right before you came downstairs."
Hermione's expression changed so fast that Harry had to take a step back. She scowled with frustration and stormed out of the common room, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'been a naughty little boy'.
For a few minutes Harry simply stood rooted to the spot, bewildered at what had just happened. It wasn't until his stomach growled in protest that he decided to catch up with Ron and Hermione in the Great Hall.
Unfortunately, when Harry arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast, Ron and Hermione were nowhere to be seen. So he headed over to Dean, Seamus and Neville instead.
"Morning, Harry." Neville greeted. "Get a good night's sleep?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah, thanks for not waking me up. I needed it." He glanced around. "Has anyone seen Ron or Hermione?"
Dean shook his head. "Nope. Last time we saw him was in the common room, waiting for you. I mean, he wasn't there when you came down?"
Harry opened his mouth to explain the situation when Ginny Weasley suddenly popped up behind Seamus and backhanded him across the head. The Gryffindor fell to the ground with a dull thud while Ginny took his spot and proceeded to eat his pancakes and hash browns. Dean and Neville looked at her from either side and slid away slowly. Harry couldn't help but watch this strange display unfold.
"Oi! What the bloody hell was that for?" Seamus yelled, rubbing at the back of his head.
Ginny's gaze on Seamus was unfocused and her words were somewhat melodic. "Chill out, whatcha' yellin' for, lay back, it's all been done before."
Seamus frowned. "I will not 'chill out', Ginny. And I definitely won't 'lay back' if you're going to give me a beating me like that."
"He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?" Ginny replied in that musical voice that only furthered Seamus' annoyance.
"What are you talking about? What girl?" Seamus clutched his head in aggravation. "You're not making sense here!"
Ginny was saying something about 'a damn cold night' when Harry heard a strange giggling noise on his right. He turned and was greeted by the most bizarre sight he had seen in a long time. At the end of the Gryffindor table sat Parvati and Lavender, who were laughing merrily. Standing above them and shouting was an incredibly incensed Draco Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle (who both, strangely enough, looked uneasy). His hair was sticking out in places as he shouted a few choice words at the girls, who only responded by tittering louder. It was then that Draco noticed Harry staring at the scene.
"You!" Draco shouted, rounding on Harry menacingly. "I swear, Potter. One more word out of those two and you'll wish you never met me."
"I already wish I never met you, Malfoy." Spat Harry, despite not knowing what the Slytherin was talking about.
Draco growled. Crabbe and Goyle still had that uneasy look on their faces. Without another word, Draco stormed out of the Great Hall, his thugs at his heels. Harry was still frowning when he heard the giggling again. He looked back to Parvati and Lavender and saw that they were sneaking glances at him, whispering to each other, and then Parvati would write furiously on some pink coloured parchment.
O…kay. That's weird. The Great Hall was full of weirdness today. In fact, everyone was full of weirdness today. The thought of weirdness brought Harry back to his original mission to find Ron and Hermione. Grabbing the largest biscuit he could find, Harry left the Great Hall to continue his search.
Harry checked everywhere. He looked in the old Charms classrooms, the unused girl's bathroom on the third floor, the owlery, and even the Room of Requirement. But Ron and Hermione were no where to be found. He was turning a corner near the Divination tower, when he spotted Colin Creevy surreptitiously sneaking out of a small broom closet. Harry hid around the corner before Colin could see him. Colin looked both ways to check if the coast was clear and then headed in the opposite direction of Harry. Once Colin was out of sight, Harry walked down the hallway and stood in front of the door curiously.
"I'm sure Colin wouldn't mind if I took a peek at what he's hiding." Harry said, rationalizing his thoughts out loud. "I'll bet he'd even be pleased that The Boy Who Lived graced his secret closet." So Harry grabbed the doorknob and stepped inside the pitch-black broom closet. He pulled his wand out of his robe to cast a spell. "Lumos."
The moment light filled the small space Harry let out a gasp. He always knew Colin loved using his camera. He also knew Colin loved using his camera to take pictures of Harry. But he had never realized the sheer volume of pictures Colin took of him. It was actually rather disturbing to see his eyes staring back at him in so many forms. Every square inch of the closet was covered in pictures of Harry. I never knew he took this many… maybe he made doubles. Harry mused, gazing at the various photos. Here was one of Ron, Hermione and a disgruntled Harry. Here was one of Harry getting off the Quidditch pitch. There was one of Harry trying to study in the common room, but glaring at the picture taker instead. There was one of Harry polishing his broom. One of Harry gazing out the window. One of Harry sleeping. One of Harry-
Harry let out a shocked yelp and tore the picture from the wall. He then scanned the other walls for pictures of an indecent nature and ripped them off indignantly. Honestly, this has gone too far! The next time I see Colin, I'm turning him into a dung beetle. Harry stuffed the pictures into his robe and bolted from the closet. Once in the hallway he realized that class was about to start. So he sprinted through the castle at top speed and reached the Transfiguration classroom just before Professor McGonagall walked in.
Ron and Hermione were already inside, and Harry took a seat next to them. "Where were you two? I was running all over the castle trying to hunt you down!"
Ron opened his mouth to speak but before he could Hermione whipped out her wand and tapped it on Ron's shoulder, saying "Auroris". As she did the wand emitted a small spark that caused Ron to jump in his seat and rub his shoulder sadly.
Hermione frowned. "I told you Ron, you are not allowed to speak unless I give you permission. Understood?"
"Yes, Mistress." Ron replied, looking down at his folded hands.
Hermione smiled at his response. "That's much better. Aren't you a good boy?" She ruffled his hair affectionately, albeit roughly.
Harry was about to ask them if there was a reason they were acting so strange (along with so many other people) when McGonagall cleared her throat and began to teach the class.
It was a class that involved a lot of theory, so for much of the time nothing could be heard but the frantic scribblings of each student. Harry was finishing a sentence about the hazards of casting a bad Transmotion spell when he heard a familiar giggling noise. He looked up and saw that in the front row, Parvati and Lavender were whispering to each other, hovering over the pink parchment with ink laden quills. It didn't take long for McGonagall to notice something amiss in her class. She strode over to the whispering girls, who froze immediately.
McGonagall looked down from her half-moon glasses. "Miss Brown, Miss Patil, please hand over the parchment."
Parvati and Lavender glanced at each other, appalled. "But Professor! This is our, um, Potions assignment. We need it for next period." Lavender responded desperately.
The look on McGonagall's face was highly sceptical. "Nevertheless, I will not have my class disrupted, homework or not. Honestly girls, a Potions assignment on fairydust pink parchment?" She held out her hand "I assure you that I am not that gullible."
Parvati sighed sadly and passed the delicate paper to McGonagall's awaiting hands. The Professor took the parchment and walked back to her desk, scanning the document on her way. But halfway there she stopped in her tracks and stiffened. She turned back to Parvati and Lavender, her expression unreadable. Harry could have sworn he saw an amused smile flit across her face for a split second.
"So, it appears I have found the notorious authors of this… creative diatribe circulating throughout Hogwarts." McGonagall frowned with grave seriousness. "Do you have any idea how many copies I have confiscated from my many classes? And to think that the second years have been reading such-such… scandalous materials!"
By this time the classroom was full of incredulous chatter. Hermione and Neville shared matching expressions of surprise. Seamus and Dean were snickering loudly. Ron's face had gone so red that it almost looked purple.
"Can you believe it?" Hermione whispered to Ron. "It was Parvati and Lavender the whole time!"
Ron nodded recovering from his embarrassment. "And to think, you were their dorm mate and didn't have a clue." The comment earned him another Auroris shock.
"What are you guys talking about? What are they writing?" Harry shouted, aggravated. Why was he so out of the loop? What did they know that he didn't?
Harry's heart began to sink when he realized that the moment he has opened his mouth the class had gone deathly still. Everyone was giving each other shifty, awkward looks. No one was meeting Harry's eyes.
Then as if it was on cue, the bell chimed, signalling that class was over. Everyone flew out of the room, including Ron and Hermione. The thought of asking Professor McGonagall what was going on made Harry incredibly uncomfortable, so he ran out the door in pursuit of his friends.
Harry ran down several flights of stairs and sprinted down the corridor that led to the Entrance Hall. When he arrived he found a large group of Gryffindor students, talking excitedly. Harry also noticed that Angelina and Alicia were giving Parvati high fives. George and Fred were laughing heartily and poking at Ron, whose face had gone red again.
"Alright you lot, I want to know what the big secret is!" Harry yelled. His presence was noticed immediately and the students fell silent, looking at one another with unsure expressions.
"Oh for goodness sakes, I'll do it." Muttered Hermione, stepping forward to face Harry. "There's no need to be mad Harry. Parvati and Lavender just write some, erm, stories… of a more adult nature."
There was a shriek behind them. Harry turned to see two Ravenclaw students standing there, shocked. "You mean Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown have been writing Irresistible Lust the whole time?" one of the girls cried.
A group of sixth year Hufflepuff students who were passing by nearly tripped on their robes. "Patil and Brown?" cried one boy with surprise. "I would have never known they were writing Irresistable Lust!"
"Irresistable Lust?" Harry choked out. "What a corny name! But why is everyone hiding it from me? Why didn't I know??"
Hermione looked sheepish. Ron scratched the back of his head nervously. Harry felt a knot is his stomach. It couldn't be…
"You mean they're about me?!" Harry shouted. "I cannot believe this is happening!" Harry remembered the indecent pictures in his pocket and his anger rose. "What the hell is wrong with you people?!"
"Don't have a heart attack, Potter." A new voice interjected. "We wouldn't want you dying prematurely before the Dark Lord finishes you."
Everyone turned to see a pack of Slytherin students watching Harry's scene, led by Blaise Zabini. Crabbe and Goyle were there as well, looking much less uncomfortable than they had that morning.
"Bugger off Zabini!" Harry retorted. "Why don't you go- wait. I don't even know if you're a boy or a girl!"
All eyes turned to Zabini, who scowled uneasily. "Well, what do you know..." Hermione said, considering the androgynous character before her. "I have no idea whether you're a girl or a boy either."
"Stop trying to distract everyone, Potter!" Zabini yelled. "I'm sure you'll be pleased, and by pleased I mean disgusted, to know that Irresistible Lust features you and a certain Slytherin."
Harry gagged, thinking of Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode. "Oh gross, I'm snogging some butt ugly Slytherin girl?!"
Blaise grinned maliciously. "Slytherin boy. Namely, one Draco Malfoy."
Harry didn't even hear the collective 'Uh-oh'.
"WHAT?! DRACO MALFOY! UGH!" Harry shuddered convulsively and retched several times. Then he pushed Hermione out of the way and stomped over to Parvati and Lavender. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! I HATE MALFOY!"
Parvati tried to stay calm in the face of Harry's rage. "I know that. Everyone knows that. But we were just having a little fun. It was only a little fantasy. Honestly, your personalities in the story are nothing like your personalities in real life. We even made up some stuff about Malfoy being a victim of parental abuse and you being a hopeless romantic with a penchant for roleplay."
Lavender nodded. "There's no truth in it. We all know that. You should read it some time and see for yourself."
Harry's laugh was scathing. "There's no way I am ever going to read R rated stories about me and Draco."
"Actually, they're more like NC-17." Neville piped up.
Luna Lovegood's eyes went wide. "Whoa, did you just hear that?! Harry called him Draco!"
"AARRRGGGHHH!" Harry couldn't take it anymore. He ran down the stone stairs and ran out of Hogwarts. He stopped when he made it to the lake, where the squid swam lazy circles. He sat under a tree to catch his breath.
"What in the world is going on? Why is everything so messed up today? So weird?" Harry pondered aloud, feeling the rage being replaced by a sense of lost bewilderment. "It's like I'm lost in some kind of horrid nightmare! All I need is for Snape to come out of nowhere and proposition me." Harry stopped and covered his mouth, stunned. "WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?! WHAT'S GOING ON?"
Harry heard footsteps behind him and whirled in a panic, expecting to see Snape. But it was just Ginny. She wasn't wearing her Hogwarts uniform anymore. Instead she wore heavy eyeliner, a white tank-top, long, baggy shorts and running shoes. She was also carrying an electric guitar, which should have struck Harry as strange since it was a Muggle instrument. But he was far too lost and confused to consider this point.
She stopped in front of him but said nothing. Harry's irritation and anger welled up again. "I bet you've been reading that stupid story too, haven't you?"
Ginny raised the guitar like a baseball bat, her eyes still unfocused. "Why should I care, cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone." Then she brought the guitar down on Harry's head-
Harry yelped and fell out of bed with a thump. He found himself on the dorm room floor, tangled in his sheets and heart racing. The other boys pushed their bed hangings aside and peered at Harry worriedly.
"Alright there, Harry?" Ron asked, concerned. "Bad dreams again?"
"Was it about…" Neville swallowed. "… You-Know-Who?"
Harry rubbed his head and got up slowly. "No. Just a regular dream. Not a good one per se, but nothing worse than a normal old bad dream. Can't remember what it was about though..." he trailed off.
"If you can't remember, it's not worth knowing." Ron said firmly, getting out of bed. "We might as well head off for breakfast. Hermione said she'd help us with Charms theory, remember?" Ron grinned. "We've got to take all the help we can when she's feeling generous."
Harry grinned back at his best friend. "Right. Let's go."
The rest of Harry's day was uneventful. It was a perfectly, normal, regular day. But when Harry passed Hannah Abbot telling her friends about song lyrics that included 'it's a damn cold night', he couldn't explain why he winced.