Change, No Change

By tim gueguen

Based on characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi. This piece is intended for noncommercial entertainment purposes only.


Tatewaki Kuno walked briskly towards the Tendo Dojo. He carried a large bouquet of flowers in each hand. He had decided it was time for another attempt at dating the beautious Akane Tendo and the firey Pigtailed Girl. If anything could expunge of earlier today it would be the loving embrace of his beloveds.

As he approached the gates of the Tendo compound he heard angry shouting. He quickened his pace and charged through the gates, just in case this was a sign his beloveds had need of his superb martial skills. He wasn't surprised to see the sorcerous villian Ranma Saotome, his features contorted with anger. After all, the scoundrel unfortunately lived there. But the apparent object of Saotome's ire was unknown to him. His features appeared Chinese. He wore a vest of what appeared to be scales, along with matching bracers, and had a narrow sash tied around his waist. Perhaps one of the sorceror's fellow practioners of the dark arts, Kuno thought. "Hold miscreants!" he shouted. "I, the Blue Thunder, demand to know what transpires here!"

Saotome looked towards him, giving him a disrespectful glare. "Kuno, shut up! I don't got time to deal with you right now. I've got more important things to do, like kickin' Pantyhose's butt!"

Kuno blinked. Was Saotome serious in implying the stranger was named Pantyhose?

"You and what army, queer?" snarled the young Chinese man.

"How about us?" called out a familiar voice. Kuno looked to the top of the compound wall and watched a pair of familiar figures leap to the ground. One was Ryoga Hibiki, that vulgar wandering peasant who kept turning up in the oddest places, like the glorious Blue Thunder's private bath. The other was Mousse, spectacled servant of the ancient crone and her purple haired great granddaughter who ran the nearby Chinese restaurant. "This time we're one hundred percent in agreeement with Ranma," continued Hibiki.

"That's right!" growled Mousse, shaking a fist at this Pantyhose person. "A new horror has been unleashed, and it's all your fault!"

"Yeah," added Saotome. "You shoulda known that stupid flask had no effect on the victim's personality, just their form, before you used it!"

"So, how was I supposed to know that?" Pantyhose replied defensively.

"You could have read the instructions!" shouted Hibiki, shaking a small booklet at Pantyhose.

"But they were in Portuguese! I don't read that!"

"If you hadn'ta been in such a damn hurry you coulda found someone who knows it," countered Saotome. "But nooooo, you couldn't wait. So now we all gotta suffer."

Kuno was frustrated. He still had no clue exactly what was going on. "Hold! One of you shall tell me what this malfeaser has done. Has he unleashed a plague of locusts, a horrible disease? What crime hath he wrought?"

Before anyone could answer a small blur shot over the wall. "What a haul, what a haul!" cackled the voice of an ancient old woman. The Blue Thunder instantly recognised the diminutive figure carrying a sack twice her size. It was his very encounter with her brief hours before that had prompted his visit to the Tendo Dojo to seek solace in the arms of his true loves. "So, we meet again sweetcheeks!" she shouted as she leapt at him, grabbing his behind. "And you've brought flowers this time, how thoughtful!"

"Remove yourself from my august personage at once!" Kuno roared as he tried to hit her with the flowers he held.

With a cackle she leapt away from his attack. She turned her attention to Pantyhose. "You know boy, maybe I will change your name. How does Jockstrap Taro sound?" She leapt back to the top of the fence when Taro charged towards her. "Then again, maybe not," she said as she disappeared over the other side.

"Come back here Happosai, you old perv!" snarled Pantyhose Taro as he bounced over the wall in pursuit.

Kuno turned to the others, his outrage obvious. "That barbarian was responsible for the arrival of that, that horror?" he asked angrily.

"Yep," said Ryoga.

"Quickly then, we must be after them! I, the Blue Thunder, will lead us in our righteous quest to punish he who has inflicted that defiler of men upon us!" shouted Kuno as he charged out the gate to join the pursuit.

The three remaining young men looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "Well, maybe Kuno will soften them up for us," said Ranma as he shot over the wall, the others right behind him.

Unnoticed by the boys Akane and Nabiki had watched the whole thing from the front entry of the Tendo house. "You know, I suppose I should really feel sorry for those guys, what with Happosai turned into a perverted old woman who feels up men, but I don't," said Akane thoughtfully.

A smirking Nabiki nodded. "Better them than us little sister, better them than us."


Just another product of my warped brain. No, I'm not going to elaborate on the idea. Incidentally Change/No Change was the title of Cars' guitarist Elliot Easton's 1985 solo album. Sorry to use it like this Elliot.