Harry Potter and the Star Wars Invasion.
Also known as: The Day That Hogwarts was Saved by the Star Trek Crew and the Fellowship of the Ring
AN: This is REALLY screwed up. I don't own (here we go): Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, or John Williams. Cassandra Claire (Very Secret Diaries of TLOTR) was quite the inspiration for certain parts of this. I DEFINITELY don't own Michael Jackson, but you have to admit, that Pepsi commercial was priceless…And with that, thank you.
AN2: this was originally a RAAAAAAABBBID bright fuchsia with green and yellow polka dots and orange stripes with sharp POINTY TEETH plot bunny… hehehe.
AN3: Basically my idea, supplemented and typed by FF.net author Queen-Severus. Thanks for your help!
Hogwarts, Year Five:
"An' this 'ere is what you'd call a Horta."
"Looks to me like a big piece of sausage pizza."
"Shut yer trap, Malfoy." Hagrid was in no mood to deal with the spawn of Satan…I mean the spawn of Lucius Malfoy today. "I got this 'ere Horta egg from some bloke named Chekov that I met up a' the Three Broomsticks the other night. It 'atched a week ago, and I ha'nt figured out what it eats yet, so like I said, Malfoy, ya might want to be keepin' your mouth shut, in a manner o' speakin'." Hagrid threw a wink to Hermione, who grinned from ear to ear. It was their favorite game in Care of Magical Creatures: making fun of Malfoy. Especially after the incident with Buckbeak a few years back.
Hagrid looked around at the class, and noticed that Neville looked even paler than usual. "Wha' is it NOW, Neville?"
"Sssssssir…" That was all Neville managed to say. His mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing happened. The class turned to look at what he was staring at in such horror. They were greeted by a large green laser blast that left nothing but the walls of Hagrid's hut standing, with Fang whimpering on the doorstep. Pieces of the flaming thatched roof embedded themselves into Malfoy's extremely hairsprayed hair, which ignited, turning the son of a Death Eater into Michael Jackson on a good day. The Imperial AT-AT waddled back into the Forbidden Forest. Only Harry seemed to have an inkling of exactly what the armored vehicle was.
Imperial Log, Stardate 42983.90... (Oh man, wrong movie)
Imperial Log: General Korfram leading assault on Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Emperor has deemed this place a threat, therefore we have been sent to remove it. Apparently, the Emperor has made an alliance with a human by the name of Tom M. Riddle to overtake this planet, starting with this school. We expect an easy overtake of the school and its surrounding area.
"General, since the AT-ST's cannot tread in the forest, we had to send an AT-AT to scout the area." A young lieutenant stood in front of the general, obviously afraid of the general's retaliation. The general had a reputation of being quick to punish, rather than actually listening to what anyone had to say.
"I hope by making this decision, I have not overstepped my bounds. However, we found a defensive outpost on the edge of the Forest. It seemed a relative threat, thus we were forced to destroy it. We quickly retreated to regroup, but some kids know we're here, as well as a rather large hermit, who might have lead the outpost."
"So what you're saying, Lieutenant, is that you went AGAINST my orders, were SEEN, and made a UNAUTHORIZED STRIKE?!" The general then removed his blaster and proceeded to shoot the poor lieutenant once in the gut. "Be happy, it could have been your head. At least this way, you'll live to learn to FOLLOW! MY! ORDERS!!" And with that, the general left the room.
First Officer's Log, Stardate 3326.4 (for real this time, kids). The Enterprise has traveled back in time to observe the Planet Earth during the Eugenics Wars era. After making routine scans of the planet's surface, we have found an anomaly in the area known then as the United Kingdom. Captain Kirk has deemed this an emergency, since the anomalous readings cannot be accounted for with this planet's current technological status. An away team, including Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Ensign Chekov, and three security officers, has beamed down to investigate said anomaly. We expect a response from the away team within the hour.
"Keptin!! I have read a major blast on the tricorder! (obviously said with the best fake Russian accent that an American can put on, but as I can't type like that, all your getting is 'Keptin,' so THERE, lol). It's centralized at bearing…328. That's right at the border of the forest, Keptin. Your orders, sir?"
Kirk flipped out his communicator, in that CLASSIC one-handed motion, "Kirk to Enterpr"
"Captain, Mr. Spock here. We have read an explosion near your location. Is the away team alright?"
"We're fine, Spock. Can you locate the source of the blast?"
"Sir, it appears to have originated from the alien technology we had observed earlier. What do you suggest we do, sir?"
"It appears that (picture this in classic Bill Shatner Monologue Voice) these aliens want to destroy our future. We must not let that happen!"
::MUSIC:: DA DUM DAAA DUMMMMMMMMM
::back from commercial break, Shatner in post-Monologue pose (you know the one w/ his arms all stuck into his body, writhing in pain… oh wait, wrong episode…. The post-Monologue pose is quite different… oh well)::
"Jim, there's WOUNDED!! WE MUST GO ASSIST THE WOUNDED, OR ELSE HE'LL BE DEAD, JIM!!!!! AND IF YOU EVEN TRY TO SAY NO, I'LL HAVE YOU RELIEVED OF YOUR DUTIES, JIM!!!!!!! DON'T FORGET, I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! SO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"No need to be testy, Bones. Of course we'll help them. It's part of the Prime Directive!"
[under his breath] "No wonder you break the Prime Directive all the time, if you think that's what it means…"
"What was that, Bones?"
"Oh, nothing Captain."
The away team made their way to the edge of the forest. Along the way, one of the security officers was eaten by a spider, another by a Centaur's arrow, and the third by a Giant that kept yelling for "HAGGER!!" Chekov sang under his breath, "Red Shirt, Red Shirt, You're Gonna Dieeeee…" Kirk was not amused.
Mirkwood, AKA: The Forbidden Forest (Betcha weren't expecting THAT one;))
::Nancing, nancing, nancing, nancing:: "I spy, with my super-Elf vision something in the distance!"
"Oh give off, Legolas, that's the third time today you've said that."
"I know, Mr. Still-Not-King, but this time I actually SEE something."
"::sighs:: What is it, Legolas."
"Something SHINY!!" (Thanks, Faber Wolffe, lol)
"Is it a ring?" Boromir's eyes gleamed. If he couldn't have Frodo's ring, at least he'd have something pretty to hang from HIS neck.
"No, Boromir, it's something quite unknown to me. But it fills me with a dark dread, like that of Mordor."
"OH SHUT UP, LEGOLAS. If I have to hear another "dark dread" speech ONCE MORE, I'll disembowel you with my axe."
Legolas nanced away from the group. They sensed a pout coming on from the 3000 year old elf.
Gandalf, who realized that no one was no longer paying attention to his Pointy Hat Trick figured it would probably be a good idea to tell the Fellowship what the nancer was gazing upon, before the Hobbits attempted to cook it in a stew. "It's an AT-AT, though I haven't seen one of these in… And it certainly doesn't belong on this planet. We ought to go investigate. Send the burglar over there… oh wait, wrong book, I mean quest, I mean fellowship, I mean… DAMN IT! SON OF A TOOK, get your butt over here!"
Pippin skips over to Gandalf, "What is it sir? Can we do the pointy hat trick again?!"
"Shut up, Pippin. Walk over to that "shiny" and tell me if you see anything… evil."
"Alright, but THEN we do the pointy hat trick."
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE POINTY HAT TRICK!!" Merry exclaimed, looking rather sad that Pippin had lost interest in his carrot. The carrot was broken, so he could see how it might not be as popular as the pointy hat trick. But it was a PERFECTLY SHAPED carrot, damn it! The carrot deserved more respect.