No Matter What My Head Says

By Maddy

Summary: Just a bit of Buffy babble about love and all the complications involved. Angst. 

Rating: PG13

Spoilers: it helps to have watched up until the first half of season four.

Timeline: Early November.

Distribution: Take, as you will. Just let me know.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, let alone anyone from Buffy and Angel.

Dedication: None.

Feedback: I have this little thing for feedback. Of course I want it.

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Do you believe in true love?

5 months ago, if you had asked me that same question I would have said yes in an instant. For I knew what it felt like, to be in love, with my heart, my mind, my body and my soul.

I was in love.

And so was he.

Or so I believed.

The hurt has begun to fade, but it will never lessen. Not because I want to feel hurt and pain, because I want to feel. And if hurt is the only way I can ever feel anything for the rest of my not so long life, then so be it. It's better than never feeling anything at all. Better than feeling hollow and numb, and fake all at the same time.

If I ever start to complain that my face is hurting for no obvious reason, it is for the fact that smiling everyday, plastering a wide fake smile on my face, hiding my true feelings from those around me, my face is beginning to hurt.

But that's what I want right? To feel hurt? Now I'm not so sure. Maybe in time I will be able to feel something else. In time. But not right now. It still hurts too much. Even after 5 months, I can't get him out of my mind. My heart and soul are filled with nothing but him.

I am no longer in possession of my heart and soul. When he walked away from me through the smoke, he took my heart and soul with him. They belong to him. I only have my body and mind. I have become used to living without my heart and soul, if you call this living.

What's the point in living, if you don't feel alive?

There's no point really, but there are still things to fight for. Friends, family, the world and that someone, who you have never heard of or seen, will be able to love and live their lives how you wish to have lived. I once fought for love and an angel. Now I fight for the chance to have him again in the future, no matter how long it takes. Even if it takes forever, then forever I will wait.

My friends either have no idea what I'm really feeling or they're just choosing not to notice, maybe they don't want to. I want them to. I need someone I can talk to about how hard it was at Halloween, or how I felt as though I had cheated on him when I had sex with Parker. I needed to talk to Willow about my day and how I really felt at every moment of the day. Like old times, when he was still my world. When I could talk for hours about the way he kissed me and held me during patrol. His protectiveness, his eyes, his mouth, his spiky brown hair or the way he looks at me, I can see his soul and I know he sees mine.

Soulmates, for all of time.

I try to clear my mind of him, I try in vain. He is my waking thought, I think of him in class, I think of him on patrol, in all cemeteries, at the Bronze, at the beach, hell I think of him all the time. Maybe I should…no I won't give up on him. I can't, what else to I have to live for? My friends who don't know me anymore? My mother who I hardly ever see? My Watcher who is no longer my Watcher?

I have to live for him.

No matter what my head says, I will not let it control me. I no longer have a heart that is mine to control. I no longer have a soul that is mine to know.

But maybe, in time I will be able to feel anything besides nothing. Maybe when I have forgotten what it was like to feel alive. But until then I have to find something or someone that will get me up in the morning. How can I ever replace him? Logically I never will have to, I will just have to move on. It could be for the best. It could finally break me and I will fall into despair. Haven't I already felt despair? Haven't I already nearly thought I would die just from a broken heart?

Tomorrow. Maybe the answers that I seek will be found. Maybe I will have more. I sometimes in time of hurt and grief, think maybe it would have been better to have never met him. But an instant later I hate myself for just thinking that I would never have met him…I want to die. How could I want him to never have been real? I love him with everything I am. Everything I will ever be.

Can you truly die from a broken heart? Not from stopping to look after yourself properly, but from the broken heart alone. If this were true, would I have not died on my 17th birthday? Would I have not died the moment I sent him to Hell with an 'I love you' and a kiss? I would have died long ago, so maybe you can't die from a broken heart after all.

I do wish my life were different. I wish for a life where vampires and demons never existed, where I was a normal girl and where he was a normal boy. Where we could get married, have a few kids, grow old together, still in love for the rest of our lives and have a happily ever after.

I wish I didn't have to wish for anything.

I wish I had it all.

I wish I still had forever.

I wish forever was meant to last.

If 'forever' and 'always' ends what hope do we have for anything else in the world?       

No matter what my head says, my heart will not obey.