megvált – an untitled discussion between erík and christiné
'you don´t love me ... you don´t love me ... you never did ...', he moaned between sobbing, 'i was such a fool to believe that there would be something that could make just a simple wish come true. i ... i´m never ... no, ... it was my entire fault ... christiné ...'
'no ...', i managed to choke out between my own sobs and my disbelieving.
how could he be the one to say such a thing? it was me, who did all those things, which were wrong, so very wrong. i deserved whatever i´d get, that´d be for sure. in the end, i would have killed him, literally.
'no', he repeated, 'it was not you. it only was me ... no one else. i wanted too much, from you, from me ... maybe even from the gods. there is no excuse for crossing the borders.'
i lifted my trembling hand and wanted to reach out to him, but he backed away anyhow.
'go to your young innocent, i know you want to share your life with him.'
i shook my head in the negative.
'this is not true, and you know it.', i said, choosing my words carefully. 'this is not what i want, either it will be what i get - maybe even worse than that.'
still backing away some more steps, he watched me from the corner of his eyes.
'so, what do you want, after all?', he asked. 'i cannot imagine that it can be such a bad life, sharing it with the one you want. after all, it is, what your heart wants, isn´t it?'
'no, it is not. but it is not this one i want.', i repeated stubbornly.
'i don´t understand you.', he said simply. 'you told him you want to be with him, you let him kiss you on the roof, you agreed to his ideas of running away ... and now you tell me, this is not what you want?'
'it was not what i wanted to decide. he took each decision out of my hand.', i replied.
'come on, you even considered the idea of marrying him.', he said. 'so maybe you wanted that he take decisions out of your hand. i know, it´s easier if you must not think too hard over a subject.'
'you do me injustice and you know this.', was my only reply.
'i only hold on to the facts, that´s all.', he returned.
'no, you turn around each thing i try to tell you. you only do this to put it the way you want to have it. maybe it´s easier for you to pretend this way, after all ... or to complain ...'
'i´m neither pretending, nor complaining.', he shot back. 'i only want to put things right, that´s all.'
'then listen to what i´ve to say. it cannot be that difficult, you were able to do before.'
'you´re not the one to be able to life in darkness for a whole life, that is a fact.'
'then return back to the light. leave this here and go back up into the world.'
'and they live happily after, you wanted to finish it this way?', he asked. 'no, it´s not that easy. have you ever considered to think that i maybe don´t want to do this again, returning up to the world?'
'but why ... then?', i tried it once more.
'maybe because i just wanted to ... know ... if there´s one little ... chance ... for something ...'
we were both silent for a second, staring into each other's eyes, trying to read in them and to find the answers we both wanted to know.
could it be that there might be no longer any little chances for me, that there might be nothing left any longer? i didn´t want to think about it this way, it´d be too painful for me. but it´s true, however. what was it, that i could have wanted? did i take too much for granted, too much for sure? didn´t i think, that there will never be ... anything the other way round?
'there´s always more than one truth, and each time you want to face it, you don´t know how it might turn out.', he said after a while.
'yes, you´re right.', i said softly. 'but whatever it might be, we still cling to the other side of which we think this will be the one to come true.'
'then ... go to him ...', he whispered. 'you don´t belong into this part of the world, however.'
'why?', was my question. 'only because you decided it this way?'
i wasn´t sure, if i was right with what i saw. he seemed to nod.
'i only made mistakes, one by one, each day.', he said. 'i forgot who ... no, what i was.'
'that´s not true.'
'oh, it is. i walked beyond an edge that was forbidden to me. nevertheless, i did.'
'and did you find something on the other side?', i asked him cautiously.
'i thought, i would find something, but ... ... there are things that should better not become true.'
once more, we faced each other for a short moment. i wasn´t sure, if he was speaking about the things between us or something else. again, he backed away some more steps. the darkness was almost enveloping him, but he went on into the shadows.
'you know, this thing on the roof, ... can you imagine how much i´d have suffered?', he suddenly changed the subject.
i stared at him, blankly and with clouded eyes.
'you ... you ... eavesdropped?', i asked, 'i cannot believe, ... that ... you ... you ...'
looks like i´m at the loss of words. suddenly his hand reached out, something gleaming lying in it.
'you´re angry, aren´t you?', he asked almost innocently, 'no, more than just angry ... you even consider the idea of ... killing me, don´t you?'
i only stared at this gleaming something, trying to find out what it could be.
'oh christiné ... it´s so easy. just do it ...', his voice seemed to be as sweet as sugar, tempting.
he streched his hand out once more and i recognized something that looked like a dagger.
'no!', i said firmly. 'i won´t do this!'
his eyes glared at me.
'so you´d not let one simple wish come true?', he asked sternly.
'not when it´s something like this.', was my reply.
'oh ... i see ...', he said. 'so what was it that you want, although you really thought about killing some minutes ago.'
'stop this!', i shrieked.
'no, i won´t. not as long as it might take the time until you do it.'
'tell me, what´s left for me?', he asked. 'and be honest, just for one time in your life.'
'i was honest before.'
'no, you weren´t. you told too much of what i´d suppose to as a lie, only too easy.', he said. 'you and your young little innocent one ... you know he loves you? or at least pretends to do so.'
'i think he told me ...'
'yes, once on the roof. do you remember now?', he demanded. 'oh, as far as i can remember, there had been someone else too, who was asking for your love ... or at least ... it doesn´t matter any longer.'
he put the dagger in my hand, but i refused to hold it, making a loud crash when it touched the floor.
'i told you, i won´t do it.', i repeated. 'and i also despise the fact of harming yourself.'
'so i´m either allowed to live nor to die. hell, what kind of life can this be?', he murmured. 'and don´t speak about lies. just be straight, eh?'
i examined the floor beneath my feet, somehow seeing the dagger once more. what´s the meaning of life, when there´s nothing to live for any longer? a horrible thing, nothing more.
'long ago, i asked you a question ... but not coz i expected an answer at all ... only to know ...', he went on. 'i know you don´t love me, so stop pretending it. this is a lie which won´t fit you.'
'no ...', i said.
'eh yes ...', he said. 'i knew it from the moment you saw ... well, my face ... you´d fall in love with a fairy tale, as long as it´d stay one; like a child, that´d fall in love with prince charming. but the truth ... this is something you cannot hold onto, it hurts and it´s ... nothing to fancy around with, at least this here.'
'you´re cruel, you know?'
he nodded suggestive.
'i know, but not more than you´d ever have been. just fulfill one of my humble wishes and then ... then go back to your young innocent.'
'i said, i don´t ...'
'you don´t know that there are different kinds of killing someone, do you?', he asked. 'you won´t need this dagger coz you do it each time by your words and actions. it´s that easy, christiné daaè.'
'no, i ...'
'yes, christiné ... remember this the next time you want to do something.'
'why ... are you so cruel, why ...?'
'take a guess, and maybe you´re right with it.', he offered calmly.
i turned around, kicked the dagger away to the other side of the room and went down to my knees.
'i see ...', i said, nodding and hiding my face behind my hands.
'good and cruel christiné ...'
'no!', i cried, 'no, no, NO!'
'yes ...', was his echo. 'yes ... yes ... and yes ...'
'never ever ... do you hear me?', i screamed, 'i won´t allow it ... NEVER EVER ...'
for a moment he seemed to be stunned, but when he regained his composure, he was ... as before?
'thank you.', he said calmly, almost too softly to be tender. 'you can go ... NOW! i won´t bother you any longer.'
'but ... i ... you ...'
'there´s always a time when we´ve to leave. it´s over, christiné, can you hear me?'
'no ...', i choked.
once more, the dagger was in his hand. he lifted it.
'NEM!!', i shrieked, willing my body to move forward; but it was frozen to the spot, unable to move.
his body fell graciously to the floor, i thought i saw him smiling.
'tell me, what´s left for a life, when all hope has gone beyond the other side of the edge?'
i knelt down beside him and took his hand in mine, his blood touching me. i refused to answer, although i knew it only too well.
'there´s another pain, much worse than ... this here.'
'don´t ... leave me here ... all alone ... please ...'
he moved his other hand to my cheek.
'you have a life to live ... in the light and not in my darkness ...'
the hand fell down, tracing a line of blood behind, all over my gown.
i suppose, it was early in the morning, when i left this place for the very last time. i turned around and looked at him, still seeing his smile. there was only one thing I took with me, a parchment covered all over with scribblings for a song. 'adnèd ming t´yèn' … this was the last time when i raised my voice in song.
a world was shattered and i ... what has life left for me, when my hopes and wishes went to the other side of the edge?
budapest vi, nobu ê abszinth
22.07 \03, 17:16