A/N: all of the ghost Boromir summoned have disappeared. In my world, when one ghost summons another, the summonee can only stay on earth for twelve hours. Thus, we are back to the original motley crew; the fellowship, including Boromir, who is a ghost, Faramir, and Eowyn.
SORRY! I know I haven't posted in…six months. But now it's the holidays, and I'm listening to Run-DMC, which has nothing to do with anything, but whatever.
PS BUSH STILL SUCKS. SO DOES ANNE COULTER. AND BILL O'REILLY!
"Bor?" called Faramir.
"Yeah?" answered Boromir, who was sitting on his foot.
"How come you didn't disappear when the other ghosts did?"
"Because I have a Purpose. Ghosts with a Purpose are allowed to stay on earth until the Purpose is fulfilled."
"What's your Purpose?"
"Taking care of my baby bro," Boromir joked, attempting to pinch Faramir's cheek and only managing to stick his insubstantial hand through his syblings face (which was numb for several minutes thereafter).
Suddenly, the cart came to a screeching halt next to yet another age-old, manufactured-by-fangirls-of-Elvis-Presley hatch.
"I'll get it!" all the male members of the party except Gandalf chorused. All jumped out, and, by turns, attempted to be macho and open the hatch, but none of them managed.
"You nimrods," sighed Eowyn. "Do the words 'righty tighty, lefty loosey' mean ANYthing to you?" All she got in a response was a few confused 'huh's. "Men," she scoffed jumping out of the cart into ankle deep muckey water surrounding that covered the bottom of the subterrainean transportation system. She jerk the handle to the left (all the boys had been hauling it to the right) and, with a reluctant shriek, it opened, coating everyone on a fine powder of red dust. No one seemed to notice, except the perfectly coiffed, perfectly clean Legolas, who muttered something about 'dry-cleaning bill' and then fell silent, but it put all the boys in a foul mood that not only had they missed a perfectly good chance to defend their manliness, but they had also all just been shown up by a girl.
What with the darkness and the rather potent stench rising from it, the hole ended up looking something like circular hell.
"Someone has to go first," commented Sam, eyeing the hole with distaste.
"I nominate Aragorn," grumped Boromir. "The once and future king."
"Shut up Boromir," groused Aragorn, "just because you've always been jealous of…"
"Jealous? Tell me; just what am I jealous of? Your annoying girlfriend? Your ratty cloths? Your lack of hygiene? Will you just get over your—"
"There is nothing wrong with my hygiene!!"
"Well forgive my thoughless nerve-striking, your majesty! Get over yourself!"
"Why don't you?" Aragorn fumed.
"Good god, Ar, who died and made you…oh, that's right; ME!"
"Why do you always pick on me?" fumed Aragorn, "Why not Faramir? Isn't that what big brothers are supposed to do? It's always me!"
"It took you that long to figure that out?" growled Faramir. "It's always been you. Never me. You. I do my job. I kick the baddies' collective ass. And who do people thank? Aragorn. And don't think I'm siding with you, Bor," he snarled as Boromir opened his mouth to concur, "Me being undercredited is nothing new. It's always been this way. Before people thanked Ar for my work, they thanked you. Boromir. Aragorn. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."
"Faramir," said Eowyn, stepping between him, Boromir and Aragorn "stop."
"Well, surprise, surprise," scowled Faramir, "look whose leaping to Aragorn's defence."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eowyn demanded, eyes narrowing.
"The two of you. Together."
"Oh my god," Eowyn put off with a disbelieving laugh "It's been three years. How can you not trust me?"
"When I catch you defending him all the time!"
"When I thought I was in love with him," Eowyn articulated through her teeth "I was a nineteen year old with a crush. I thought we were over that, and frankly, there's barely even an 'it' to be over. Why do you do this to me?"
"Because I know the truth of the matter!"
"Grow up, Faramir," she said, with an exasperated toss of her head "I'm not going to dignify that with a reply."
"'Dignify,' huh? Too good for me? I'm starting to think everyone here's too good for me except maybe HIM," shouted Faramir, attempting to point to the cow that was prominently featured on the mouldering 'got milk' but ending up pointing at Legolas.
"WHAT??" said Legolas.
"Face it, Leg," gruffed Gimli, with the closest thing to a giggle that can be managed by a dwarf. "Now that Eowyn's here, you can't even be 'the blonde one.' Now you're just…the zeppo!"
"Don't you dare insult me," snarled Legolas, gripping Gimli's lapels.
"Don't touch me, pretty boy," growled Gimli, managing to sound hostile even though he was suspended six inches in the air.
"Why don't you pick on someone your own size," Legolas said acidly. "Like them," he gestured toward the hobbits.
"HEY!" squealed Merry. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M TALLER THAN PIPPIN!"
All further possibility of conversation was obliterated by Merry's attempt to bite Pippin's ear off. crash, bang
"Aren't they cute," muttered Sam.
A more devious person, or persons, or hobbits, as it were, might have made a few choice comments about Sam at that juncture. But Merry and Pippin just settled for going "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" And launching themselves at him, which, in the long run, proved to be just as effective.
Chaos reigned supreme.
"—Your just jealous cause you were a bad leader—"
"—Bullshit. I was a fine leader, and if you could hear what some of your dead countrymen say about you—"
"—Sparks FLEW between the two of you—"
"—You're acting like somebody's jealous high school boyfriend. Was there some sort of fine print on our marriage liscense that had some sort of jealousy clause in it?—"
"—I killed more orcs than you—"
"—Will you just shut up, you ultra-hygenic asshole—"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" roared Gandalf.
"I will go in there first!" He glowered, pulled the hem of him Robe up over his feet and stepping onto the lip of the incredibly unappealing hole. "Butts up," he sighed, taking the plunge (literally).
Dark, icy water closed over Gandalf's head…actually not. He landed in water, but it was only knee-deep. After miraculously not breaking his thigh bones, he called up "ALL CLEAR," but was interrupted by sam.
"Huh," said Sam, in a sagely way.
"I have that rope Galadriel gave me."
"SAM!" chorused everyone.
Minutes later, Aragorn was being lower into the sub-subterrainian tunnel with Boromir floating beside him.
"Um…technical difficulties, guys…just a minute."
Aragorn shifted uncomfortably and mustered as much dignity as one can when one is suspended in midair like a giant spider. Boromir did much the same thing, but finally…
"I—I'm sorry." The way he was said it gave Aragorn a flashback to high school when one of his best friends said 'Ar…I'm gay,'in that it was clearly something he had never said before, and something that he was slightly uncomfortable saying, and yet at the same time knew it was the right thing to do. "You're the best king anyone could ever ask for. Even me." His voice cracked on 'me' and his manly-man front burst like a dam over which many tears spilled.
"Boromir," said Aragorn "You don't have to be a king or walk on water or glow in the dark (and you do). You're the finest man and the greatest ghost I know." By this time he was sobbing.
"You crying?" sobbed Boromir.
"No. You?" Aragorn wept.
"No," sniffed Boromir.
Once they had gotten a handle on themselves, they turned and faced each other.
"Yeah," said Boromir in his most macho, couldn't-care-less tone.
"So do we need to hug here?" asked Aragorn in a similarly macho/couldn't-care-less tone.
"I think we're too manly," put off Boromir. Three seconds later, they were sobbing, and hugging.
"I love you, man," They sobbed. Then the 'technical difficulties were over, and they were lowered, still hugging, to the ground.
"Gandalf!" they cried simultaneously.
"Huh?" said Gandalf, who had been pulling lint from his beard.
"WE LOVE YOU!!" he was flattened into a crushing group hug.
"We're about to die, aren't we?" muttered Gandalf.
All the pairs of people who had been fighting descended similarly teary and huggy, and all immediately launched themselves into the group hug, except Faramir and Eowyn, who…well, they disappeared into the shadows.
Finally, after everyone, including Faramir and Eowyn had joined the group hug, everyone broke away for individual hugs until—
"FARAMIR!" yelped Legolas "INNAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOh, my god!" yelled Faramir. "Oh, god, I'm sorry, Legolas!"
"Oh god,"gasped Legolas, casting around for a paper bag to breathe into "Faramir, tell me you mistook me for Eowyn…PLEEEEASE tell me you mistook me for Eowyn (wow, there's a request I never thought I'd make)."
"Yes," said Faramir, slowly. "Yes. I had water (Read: tears. He didn't say that part. Or that part. Or—know what? I'm gonna stop now. I could go on like that all day.) in my eyes, and I saw the blonde hair, and I assumed you were Eowyn."
Then everyone continued hugging until—
"Um…guys?" said Sam.
"Hm?" said some unidentified person.
"Do we do this to much?"
"Do what?" asked Boromir, throwing his arms around Eowyn.
"Hug?" For the first time, all of the alleged manly men who were hugging each other got a good look at each other. All of them hastily broke apart, and shook hand/high fived in their lame, cool-guy fashion. Then there was a reeeeeally long silence.
"Well," said Aragorn, clearing his throat "That could have been awkward."
"Hey guys!" chirruped Pippin cheerfully "Look what I have!" There, in Pippin's grasp, was yet another large shopping cart. "Get in, everyone!"
This was all good and well, until they tried to get it started. That didn't work. 'That' being 'absolutely nothing.' Even Gandalf whacking it with his staff didn't help.
Eowyn said something, but her voice was muffled by someone sitting on her in the cramped shopping cart.
"What?" asked Gimli.
"I said move. Get off me, Pippen. Shove over, Aragorn. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FARAMIR, STOP GROPING! THE MOMENT IS OVER!"
This outburst caused all the men to be meekly obedient. Eowyn stepped out of the shopping cart looking very pleased with herself.
"What're you doing?" asked Gandalf, completely disgruntled that his fantabulously-amazing-whoosh-poof-ooh-ah staff whackage had failed.
"Pushing this cart the old-fashioned way," Eowyn informed him, giving it one large, hefty push. That worked. In fact, in worked so well that it took off at 100 mph, with Eowyn still clinging to the handle bars, like a large and extremely profane wind sock.
As soon as the combined efforts of Boromir and Legolas had gotten Eowyn back into the cart, they noticed that they seemed to have a sound track—
I said, young man, when you're short on your
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...
"Nooooooooooooooo…" groaned Aragorn