The True Meaning Of Christmas..?

By: Thought

Author's Note: Okey, this is completely pointless, as long as you remember that, you might enjoy this.

A/N2: I wrote this over a year ago. A very evil person *shoots Sky Queen an evil look* insisted I post this, as she claimed that it is "cute". Most of it was written last year, but I just finished it this year. Thank God for spell checkers!!!!!!! My spelling last year was awful! I'm hoping this story will put me in the Christmas spirit, while at the same time giving me enough of a Star Trek kick to finish 'The Alternate'.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to someone who isn't me. Happy? Don't sue me! Well, actually, Joe Martin, Jane Martin and Jerry belong to me.

Oh, and anything *in stars* is inserts from yours truly, making fun of the characters and my own writing. Oh, and while we're on this topic, I. AM. NOT. TRYING. TO. OFFEND. ANYONE. BY. THIS. STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Got it? I love Christmas, and Santa, and all that other stuff!!!!! This is just for fun!

*Three burley guys come in and drag the author kicking and screaming from the stage.what stage? Don't ask me. A huge sign appears flashing the words, "AND NOW ON WITH THE STORY"*


Act One

Deanna Troi walked through the halls of the Enterprise just thinking. No one bothered her and she didn't speak to anyone. Will Riker was the first and only one to intrude. He saw her dark-haired head moving down a corridor on his left and he hurried to catch up with her.
"Hi," he said as he came up behind her.
She started and then turned to him with a look of surprise on her dark-skinned face. "Hi," she echoed.
"Are you coming to the poker game tonight?" he asked, feeling a little uncomfortable.
She blinked in incomprehension. "It's Tuesday?" she asked blankly.
Riker had a sudden urge to roll his eyes but said instead, "Yes Deanna, it's Tuesday and almost 1900 hours. If we don't hurry the others will be there before us.that is if you plan on attending?"
Deanna nodded and followed Riker to a turbolift. When they reached Will's quarters Beverly Crusher, Data and Jordie La Forge were waiting outside the door.
"We thought you weren't coming," laughed Crusher.
Riker simply shrugged, saving Deanna the embarrassment of admitting to her friends that she had forgotten the day. They entered and Data and Crusher began setting up while Will, Deanna and Jordie got the cards and refreshments.
Finally they were all settled at the card table and Riker began dealing out the playing cards to the four expectant players.
"I swear I will beat you tonight, Will Riker," said Beverly Crusher with a grin as he dropped her cards in front of her beside her tea.
Riker smiled and shook his head, "You can try Doctor, but you'll never succeed."
"He's right," added Jordie with a smile, "No one has ever beaten Commander Riker at poker."
"Wellll, unless you count that time." began Deanna mischievously.
Riker cut her off with a wave of the hand, "You were cheating," he said firmly.
"Uhha?" giggled Deanna.
"That is not true," said Data, "I have won at poker against Commander Riker twice, Dr. Crusher has won once and Counselor Troi five times."
"Well," muttered Jordie, in mock hurt, "Now I feel real special."
This produced laughs from everyone but the android.
"I am sorry if I offended you, Jordie," he said, "I was just stating the facts."
Jordie slapped his friend on the back and said, "I wasn't offended Data, I was being sarcastic."
"Ah," said Data, understanding.


On The Other Side Of The Galaxy

Captain Kathryn Janeway held on to the arms of her command chair with all her might, just to stay in it. The ship rocked again and Lt. Cmdr. Tuvok called from his position at the tactical station, "Direct hit. Port shields are down."
First officer Chacotay turned to his captain, "We only have two photon torpedoes left and our phaser banks are completely drained. We've lost life support on half the ship and our shields are almost down to zero."
Kathryn closed her eyes for a moment and thought. "What if we modified the photon torpedoes to emit a pulse that would disrupt their shields. That way we could use the tractor beams to push them out of weapons range."
Chacotay shook his head, "That would take at least four hours."
"Something tells me we don't have that long," muttered Janeway, then tapping her combadge, "B'Elanna, suggestions?"
The harassed voice of the chief engineer came over the device.
"We've been working on a little idea I had a few days ago. If we *insert technobabble here,* then we could make our hull plates deflect the hostile fire right back at them.
"That just might work," said Janeway *pretending she understood one word she had just heard.* "Do it," she said briskly.


On a Space Station Guarding the Opening of a Wormhole

Major Kira Nerys paced impatiently across the floor of her quarters, wearing a path in the thick carpet *and we wonder why there's no carpet on a star ship.* He was ten minutes late! Kira said something in Bajoran, which the translator accidentally missed. *hmmm, wonder why?* Finally the door opened and Chief of Security Odo entered.
"You're late," she said without preamble. Odo simulated a role of his eyes.
"I couldn't figure out what to wear?" he tried feebly.
"You don't need clothing!" snapped the Bajoran, "You're a shapeshifter, for Profits' sake!"
Odo sighed and offered her his arm. She took it and they set off down the hallway to the holosuites. When they reached holosuite five they entered into a large room with red and green lights flashing all around the ceiling. Huge green trees with deadly looking needles were spread about the room with little sparkly things hanging off of them. Weird music was playing and there was fluffy white stuff hanging on the walls.
"Sweet Profits!" whispered Kira in horrified shock.
"I thought the Humans were at least partly normal," murmured Odo.
Suddenly Lt. Cmdr. Dax and Captain Sisko walked up to the shocked couple in the doorway. Dax smiled sweetly and handed each of them a glass of something brownish.
"Sorry," said Odo quickly, "I can't drink."
"Oh yeah." Dax took the glass back and then turned to Kira.
"C'mon Nerys, taste it," she encouraged.
"Yes, Nerys," added Odo with an evil grin on his half formed face.
Kira took a deep breath and lifted the glass to her lips.
One sip and her normally pale skin paled even more.
"Excuse me," she gasped and, handing the glass to a startled Odo, she ran for the restrooms. "I hope you feel better," called Sisko. ".Oh and Nerys, Merry Christmas!"

End Act One

Act two

Joe Martin looked at his wife in panic. "Jane!!! I can't find my red suit!"
Jane Martin sighed and walked into the back where the laundry room was located. "Here, honey," she said, producing the pile of red material from the dryer.
"Oh, thanks," said Joe, rather embarrassed. He pulled it over his head and moaned as it fell to the ground around his feet.
"I think it got bigger," he informed Jane.
"Hhmm," she said, picking up the suit skeptically, "Oh well, more padding."
Joe groaned again at his wife's words, "I hate that stuff, what is it anyway? Packing material?"
Jane turned her head away and ran into the main shop area.
"Please tell me that my jolliness isn't packing foam?!" he cried, "PPPPPLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"
There was no answer from the closed door. Joe fell onto his bed and began crying like a baby.


Kira fell onto her couch and silently swore to pray to the Profits that night, for the safety of her friends, for the safety of her home, for the safety of herself and for the demise of who ever invented Christmas. Odo sat down beside her and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Have fun?" he asked.
"Oh yeah," said Kira sarcastically, "Loads."
Odo laughed and got up to order his lover a ractijino from the replicator. She accepted the mug gratefully and was about to take a sip when the door chime rang. With a Bajoran word the translators conveniently missed, Kira went to open her door. What she saw on the other side of the door made her want to do three things at once. Firstly she felt like falling to her knees and begging the Profits to take her here and now, then she wanted to run and hide behind Odo. She finally decided on pulling the phaser that was always present somewhere on her person.
Standing before them was a man who was at least nine feet tall, with huge fangs and black clothing.
"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past," he informed the horrified pair. "I am here to teach you the true meaning of Christmas."
"Please don't tell me we have to go back to the party?" asked Kira.
"No," said the Ghost, "I will speak my magic spell and you both will meet up with two other couples who must understand the true meaning of Christmas."
"But we don't even celebrate Christmas!" cried Kira.
"That falls under the category of 'not my problem'," replied the man. "Old Santa just told me to get six people together and show them Christmas, so here I am. I mean, I'm not the real Santa, a'course, he's on vacation in Hawaii, but Mr. Martin. Anyway, I'm getting paid by the hour so can we get this over with?.then again.take as much time as you want.more money for me!! M O N E Y !!!!!!! Moneyyyyyyy! Mula!!!! Oh yeah baby! Bring on the cash!!!!!!"
"He's mentally insane," whispered Kira. Odo nodded.
"Okay, can we please get this over with!?" asked Kira.
The Ghost of Christmas Past sighed and nodded, "Now for my magical spell, hem hem, haleinfyhtywoapcmansi.erm.Ah, what the hell." Looking up towards the ceiling, "Okay Jerry, next stop." And the three vanished in a big flash of blue light .

Back on the Enterprise

Deanna dropped her cards on the table with a triumphant grin, "Straight flush, queen high!" she said proudly. Riker stared at her in shock, "I don't believe it," he said under his breath. "Believe it Commander," grinned Crusher. "She beat you fair and square." With a sigh Riker began to clean up the cards. Deanna helped him but the others had to go. Deanna looked at Will when they had finished cleaning up. He smiled at her and asked if she would like to stay for a nightcap. She agreed and flopped down on the sofa while he got the drinks. When he returned he handed her the drink and she thanked him quietly. He sat down beside her and the two of them began to talk. They were having a debate about something utterly pointless when Riker made an expansive gesture with his hands to illustrate a point he was trying to make. His left hand hit her drink and it splashed over her clothing. "Oh! Deanna, I'm so sorry." He jumped to his feet and grabbed towels from the bathroom. "It's okay," she laughed. He bent over her to wipe the spilt hot chocolate from her shirt. Their lips drew closer and the cloth lay forgotten on the floor. Just before their lips met there was a blinding flash of blue light. Both officers were on their feet almost immediately. A tall man with huge fangs and black clothing stood before them. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!" he said in a ringing voice. "I have come to teach you the true meaning of Christmas!.No.wait.that's the other guys.Riker, Santa wanted to say hi and meet your girl friend. Santa used to know your great great great great great great grandfather. Of course that wasn't you and that was a different Santa, but oh well." "Abra kadabra.alicazam! See, that's better." And with that they vanished in a big flash of red and green light . In the empty room a disembodied voice said, "teheheheheheheeh! That's much more Christmassy!" Another voice intercedes; we can tell it's the Ghost of Christmas Past. "Jerry!?" Jerry: "I'm dead."


Captain Janeway gasped as another blast hit the star ship Voyager. She fell to the floor and was knocked out, leaving Chacotay in command. In engineering the blast also knocked B'Elanna out, leaving Lt. Seska in command. *Bwhahahaha. Seska's brought back to life and she has a higher rank and isn't completely psiccomainiac killer evil, like I said before, bwhaahahahah!!!!!* Chacotay jumped to his feet. "No one's answering the com in engineering. I'm going down there. Tuvok, you have the bridge." Chacotay hurried into engineering to find it in organized chaos. B'Elanna's limp form lay near the warp core and Seska was giving orders to the few remaining people who had a clue which button did what. Then, with out much preamble the Ghost of Christmas Past appeared and simply said, "Fighting isn't the meaning of Christmas! Abra cadabra alacazam!" Nothing happened. "I said Alacazam!!!" yelled the Ghost. "Oh," said Jerry, "Sorry." (We can hear a video game playing in the background.) "Well?" asked the Ghost. "Oh, yeah, hit the red button. Back to Santa's workshop now, right?" "Yes!" sighed the Ghost. "'Kay." They stood there for a moment then the Ghost screamed, "Jerry!!!" "Die, Die, evil aliens from Planet Mars," came Jerry's voice, "Oh, 'Kay, bye guys." The whole group vanished in a big flash of red and green light .

End Act Two

Act Three

Santa's Workshop

Kira, Odo, Deanna, Will, Seska and Chacotay found themselves standing outside of a huge building with a sign above the door that read in big letters, WAL-MART, HOME OF SANTA'S WORKSHOP!!! Will and Chacotay were the only ones who could read the words because they were the only humans in the group. "What in the Galaxy is Wal-Mart?" asked Riker. "It was a large franchise project in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries," responded Chacotay. "So we're on Earth?" asked Odo. "Yeah, or a pretty good facsimile," said Riker with a frown. There was a commotion behind them and they turned to see Seska and Kira beating each other up. *For anyone who doesn't know, Cardassians and Bajorans hate each other, something about the Cardassians taking over Bajor, anyway, Seska is Cardassian and Kira is Bajoran* The other four tried to break it up but it wasn't them who finally succeeded in the impossible task. It was..........Santa!!!!!!!!!!!! Dadahdahdahhhhhhhh. Actually, it was Joe Martin, but close enough. "Hey guys," he said, after pulling Kira and Seska off each other, "Sup?" "Huh?" asked the group in unison. The man sighed and turned to Riker and Chakotay. "You peoples know who I am?" "Santa," said Riker dubiously. "Yeah," agreed Chakotay distrustingly. "That's right!" he said, waving his arms around in the air, "I am the great, the wonderful, the giving, the caring, the jolly, one and only." it was at that moment that his pants decided to fall down. "AAAAHHHHRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!" he screamed as he bolted back inside, which is where he had come from, just in case you didn't figure that out. "O.K." muttered Kira under her breath. "I could have really done with out that little display," said Seska disgustedly. Suddenly there was a flash of blue light and Q appeared in front of them, dressed in dark green pants, a bright red shirt and a yellow hat. "Q!" the whole group screamed. "Actually it's the Ghost of Christmas Present," he said cheerfully. "They were running low on money, and considering I have no use for the stuff, I volunteered." "Wonderful," muttered Riker. "Will you be showing us the meaning of Christmas Present?" asked Troi. "No, actually, I've gotta do Past too, because someone," he directed this to the sky, "Forgot." "Yes," said Troi, "We've met the Ghost of Christmas Past." "You have my condolences," responded Q. "But now, seeming that dear old Joey isn't going to be giving you that tour, I guess we'd might as well get started." And with that, he snapped his fingers and the group disappeared in a big flash of (you guessed it) blue light .


Earth, 1996,some random mall, Canada

"So.this is the beginning of our journey," said Q grandly. "It's.a really big building," observed Kira brilliantly. " it?" asked Deanna sarcastically. "Yes, actually, it is!" grinned Q. Everyone looked at him strangely. "Well, all you need to know is that everybody loved Christmas, all the little kids got lots of presents and the planet was getting so polluted that Santa had to take the bus instead of the sleigh," stated Q. "And what are we supposed to learn from that?" asked Odo. " happy and say "no" to pollutants!" Q snapped his fingers and they found themselves on a strange ship. "This is your next stop. It's Christmas, a little while later!"

Somewhere In The Uncharted Territories, on Moya

"Um.I thought people weren't supposed to be able to see us?" asked Chakotay, looking nervously at all the big guns pointed at them. "Um." Q avoided his gaze. "Well.I kinda had to give that up so we could get snacks and drinks later." Everyone stared at him. "Idiot," they all said in unison. "Who the frell are you?!" demanded a black haired woman, her voice tinged with a strong Australian accent *um.aliens with Australian accents.yep, nothing strange about that.of course they have American, and Canadian and all sorts of other accents what am I complaining about? Australian accents are cool!!!*. She moved her gun about in a threatening manner. "Hey!" snapped Kira. "We are not here to harm you!" "Yeah, so you can put the guns down now," said Will. "How do we know you are not here to harm us?" demanded a large, tentacled alien with a deep voice. "Yeah, you did just kinda appear," a Human, by the looks of him, agreed. "We can explain!" exclaimed Deanna. "Surrrrreee you can." A gray skinned girl rolled her eyes. "No, we really can!" Will nodded. "Then I advise you to start," said a blue skinned woman. "Some of my friends are a little trigger-happy." "So says the anarchist who is the only member of her species who has killed," muttered the black haired woman. "Well, you see," said Seska, glaring at the black haired woman. "We are on a journey through time to find out about Christmas." "Riiigghhhtttt," drawled the human. "Look, you guys are messin' up my perfectly good Christmas party, so if you don't want to get shoved out an airlock, I advise you to leave or start telling the truth." "Christmas!" Q was practically bouncing up and down. "See? They're celebrating Christmas! I'm doing this job fine! No need to fire me! I'm doing fine! I am! I am! See? I really am!" he was screaming at nothing by now, and everyone was looking at him strangely. *Which makes how many times they've looked at him strangely?* "Leave. Now. Or I will shoot all of your heads off," said the black haired woman. " problemo!" said Q quickly, and snapped his fingers. *Big flash of light TM*

End Act Three

Act Four

An unknown Location, An Unknown Time

"No." "Please?" "Nu uh." "Thank God." "But.I need to get there!" "I said no." "But my contract!" "Nope." Everyone watched the drama unfolding before their eyes between Q, all powerful higher being, and a little girl calling herself Coraline. Everyone was finding it highly amusing. "Why?" whined Q. "Temporal Prime Directive," said Coraline. "They can't see the future, or they may try to change it by altering their actions in the present." "Can we go home, then?" asked Seska hopefully. "Yes! In fact, I'll send you all home right now!" said Coraline happily. "But." Q looked pleadingly around for help. "I have a Christmas present for you," said Coraline to the gathered Star Fleet officers. "Awwe," they all cooed. "You know how you always have trouble with the Universal Translators? Well, now you won't have to worry about them any more!" and she held up a little fish.
"Chakotay, come here." Chakotay knelt down in front of the little girl and she reached up and shoved the fish into his ear. "AAHH!!" he cried out, falling to the ground. "What'd you do to him?" asked Kira. "I gave him his present. You can have one too, all of you!" the little girl looked so happy and innocent that everyone just had to oblige her. When the fish were all inside their respective people, the little girl stood up very straight and clapped her hands. They all vanished in a big flash of light .


Will looked at Deanna. Deanna looked at Will. Finally Riker said, "Well, that was interesting." "To say the least," agreed Deanna. Just then the door flew open and a man with strange red sunglasses and a dark-skinned woman with long, white hair ran in. Deanna looked at Will. Will sighed and tapped his combadge. "Intruder alert.again."


Chakotay and Seska arrived back onboard Voyager to find the ship completely fixed. In the engine room stood a young man with scraggly blond hair, and a proud look on his face. "And who would you be?" asked Chakotay. "Seamus Harper, at your service."


When Kira and Odo returned to Deep Space Nine, it was exactly as they left it. They had appeared in an almost abandoned corridor, so it was quite a surprise to see a man with a large mustache and two Siamese cats walking past. "Let's just pretend that whole adventure never happened, shall we?" suggested Kira. "I couldn't agree more," nodded Odo.

..And they all lived happily ever after!

End Act Four

The End!

Have a very merry Christmas!

O.k. now the challenge. Try to spot every book or TV show I used in that thing. Quite a few people or things had cameos! Leave your answer in a review, along with your opinion of the story! But, please don't flame me!

Oh, and if you're wondering about the after all the 'big flashes of light', it's just a joke between myself and one of my friends. I use way too many big flashes of light to make stuff happen, so this weekend I got the brilliant idea of trademarking them! My friend thinks it's pathetic. She really does. I can't blame her, but I just had to go through and add the before I posted it. And, if the writing is bad, please don't flame me, because I really didn't want to change it from what I had last year. Try and guess where I left off last year and started up again this year!!!

.Shutting up.