Spike: 1. A very large nail 2. Any of various pointed projections 3. To fasten with spikes 4. To put an end to 5. To add alcoholic liquor to a drink

When I first met him, the two last ones fit him perfectly. I saw him as a bad boy, a tough ass take-no-shit rebel. And I was turned on to no end. What gal wouldn't be? Just look at him. Hell, even his name is, well, suggestive.

But I knew there was more to him. I poked and pryed, trying to get him to bare his heart to me, so I could take it. Want, take, have. I wanted him and still do. All of him. His brain, his heart, his soul, and his bod. But do I take? No. Why? I have no idea. He's off limits, yeah, but that's never stopped me before.

Maybe it's because he means more to me than I realize. The sexual chemistry's there, and he is Buffy's man, which would make it all the sweeter, but is there anything more? A helluva let more than you or anyone else knows.

We both have been love's bitch. Him? Been used and abused by every woman he has ever loved. Me? Never have or been loved. That plus I attract every loser on the planet. Nobody trusts either of us and we both have had problems with our family. Plus, we're both sluts.

But, while all this makes us kindred souls, there's something that stands out. Something serious that no one has every done before. Something that I don't even know how he did it. He gets me.

He can take words right out of my mouth. He can tell me why I did the things I did. He can tell me why the others treat me like they do. He can tell me pretty much anything. But the one thing he can't tell me is who I am.

What is faith, anyway? Trust, belief, religion. Yeah, I know all of that. But what does it have to do with me? Why do I bare it as a name? And, most importantly, what does it say about me? The definition seems to describe what faith should be, what I should be, but not what I am. Sure, people can make all the stupid puns they want; 'We should have faith in Faith.' But should they?

I know the others treat me badly because I'm crazy, unstable, and a murderer, but they continue to have me at their side. Is it because if they let me under the radar, I'll kill someone? Or is it because they actually believe in me? Neither. It's because I'm Buffy's enemy. They watch me, trying to figure me out, to see when or how I'll attack her next. She's got them watching me like I'm Hannibal Lector or some stupid shit like that. But it makes you wonder, why doesn't she watch me herself?

It's because she can't bare to look at me. I made her the victim. I tore her from her family and friends, forcing her to live my crappy life. I made her feel my pain. And she did not like that shit at all. Plus, I have more in common with her vamp boyfriends then she ever will. She's threatened by me, because I tore that stupid tiara off her head and wore it for all it was worth. But hey, it was better than watching her waste it.

I've made some awful choices, I know. I have been a bad person, I know. But I'm trying to make things better. I really am. I don't want to be dirty anymore. To have this terrible sense of guilt hung over me all day. To prove to my dead parents I am good enough. I want to be good. And it pisses me off that no one can see that.

I can't stand being here in Europe right now. Day in and day out, she whines about Spike being in LA and wonders why he hasn't hopped on a plane to here. The others comfort her, saying 'he's just taking his time.' I want to punch all of them right in the face.

I like Spike. I want Spike. But I hate him. Or atleast, I hate his "Buffylove". He threw me across a room because I 'took Buffy's life again'. What a whipped dumb ass. She was being-gah, I can't even put in words. Let's just say her 'you all suck but I rule' speech was really getting to me.

But the point is, Spike could be everything I ever hoped for, if it weren't for Buffy. I am so tired of her 'woe is me' way of thinking. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself, but she keeps whining like her being Chosen will ever change. She keeps her relationships with Angel and Spike like they were going somewhere.

I wish I were talking about this to Spike rather than writing it in some stupid journal. He probably would hit me for talking smack about his girlfriend, but atleast he would understand. But if he were here, he would be with Buffy nonstop. Her little lapdog.

So, I guess the bottom line is: Spike and I should be a couple, Buffy should lighten the hell up, and Spike should never EVER come to Europe. Stay gone, Spike. Stay gone.


A/N: I don't know if there will be a second chapter or not. Depends on what I feel like, I guess.