Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does. But...if I owned Kurenai, Anko, or Tsunade, I'd be one happy guy.
Dissertations on the Origin of Naruto Male Pairings.
"What do you mean with him?" Naruto asked dully. He was 17, and still unknowledgeable of the world of male homosexuality. It was strange, really, since he had sneaked looks at pages of Icha Icha Paradise, where females went at each other. Literally. Chains and whips style. With chocolate fudge at times.
Somehow, he was hoping the story labelled as a "Hentai" was where Naruto got some action with a hot female babe, even his first one-sided love, Sakura. Still, something seemed wrong about the title. And why was Sasuke on the cover looking at him? In that way? And why was this in the "Girl's Comic" section?
Hinata pointed her fingers towards each other, looked down, and stammered, "Uh..." She wondered why she had to be the one to explain it.
Kurenai took pity and interrupted what would've been a "..." and explained, "This artist by the pen-name of ShoeAsha, drew a yaoi doujinshi series of you two in love." Hence was the title, "Naruto and Sasuke: Tales of the Loving Jounin"
Kakashi coughed, and looked away, while all of Team 7, except for Sakura gagged. Sakura, on the other hand, had a guilty look. He knew she'd been reading the series. That and, one time when coming into the bookstore for the latest Icha Icha novel, he'd seen her purchasing Volume 51.
What would've seemed like a normal trip to the novel store for Asuma, Kakashi, and Kurenai's teams turned into a mess.
Sasuke grunted after nearly hurling, grabbed the book off the shelf, and read the first few pages, suddenly finding himself reading aloud, "Naruto-chan, I'd die for you?!" angrily.
Naruto jumped back, and both he and Sasuke looked at each other quite pissed. Sasuke spat, "Dobe, I already did", referring back to the incident years prior with Haku and Zabuza. Naruto shook his fist in the air and replied, "And what about the time I saved you from the snake?"
Ino stepped in, and noted, "See? That's what the author sees between you two! The tension! You guys are well-known rivals. It just makes a perfect setting for romance." Sakura nodded, keeping away from looking at Sasuke and Hinata whispered a "Hai."
Sasuke and Naruto crinkled their noses as if something inherently rotten crossed their path, while the rest of the male students of the three teams laughed. Suddenly, Akamaru looked closely at the shelf and barked, taking Kiba's attention.
"Kiba and Shino: Dogs, Bugs, and Love Collide?! WTF?" Shino looked at what Kiba suddenly picked up, and cursed.
The guys of the teams all nearly tore apart the shelves as stories such as "The Fatty and the Genius," "Forbidden Foursome," and several others were read through.
"Damn, this is annoying," Shikamaru grunted as he squatted and sped-read through one of the tales named "Redemption of the Fatty and the Genius. Choji looked over his shoulder and rose an eyebrow. "Is that physically possible for me?"
Asuma, Kurenai, and Kakashi gave each other hushed glances. Asuma lit a cigarette, and was immediately heckled at for lighting one in the store by the owner. He spat it out and crushed it.
"Just WTF is yaoi?" Naruto yelled.
"The male opposite of yuri," Sakura noted, and all the younger males, except for Shikamaru, Shino, and Sasuke, had looks of dawning comprehension. Sasuke and Shino grunted, while Shikamaru said again, "This is annoying."
"How can so many in Konohamaru believe we belong together?" Kiba asked to no one in general, while looking at Shino. Shino shrugged, and took a book from the shelf, starting to flip through it. Strangely enough, Kiba had a creepy feeling Shino was enjoying the read. Damn, he'd better not have been looking at me at the baths.
Chouji finally noted, "So they're making profit off of the desecration of our reputations."
"Desecration?" Ino asked. "You guys are male celebrities!" Inwardly, she was thinking "Male yaoi stars, that is."
Shikamaru spat, "Just who'd read this? And why can't any of us be paired up with females?"
Hinata, Ino, and Sakura looked knowledgeably towards each other, and Hinata noted with a gulp, "Well, they'd be Mary Sues."
Sakura explained, "Mary Sues are original characters made by an authoress that intrude upon the setting and usually become the center of the story."
Ino added, "Yeah, every girl hates reading a Mary Sue. But you should see the many Gary Stus guys get away with in their hentai stories of us." The two young girls besides her collectively shuddered.
A tall, dark, mysterious man came into the store and caught everyone's eyes. He smiled calmly while all the girls, especially Kurenai, flocked to him.
"OMG, you're ShoeIshi Kishimoto, brother of the author of Saruto! Can I have your autograph?"
ShoeIshi smiled to the random girl, and took out a pen, while Sakura and Ino looked at each other with rivalling glances, pushing through the crowd towards ShoeIshi.
Kurenai got to the front of the line of the girls, and noted, "You sure have large shoes. Care for a date?"
A tall, dark, and mysterious man came into the store and caught everyone's eyes. He grimaced as all the girls, especially Kurenai, looked irritated at him.
Naruto asked, "What's wrong?"
Sakura replied with thinly slit eyes, looking disgustedly at the man. "That's ShoeIshi Kishimoto, author of the Hentai Chronicles of Konoha. He's drawn nothing but hentai stories of all of us female Jounin.
Kurenai walked up to ShoeIshi, and cleanly decked him in the face, before returning to the teams.
Shoeishi delivered his batch of doujinshi after recovering from a black eye, which were taken quickly by male readers, who appeared out of nowhere, and bought. Running away from the flock of rabid female flamegirls, he exited the store.
~See? Gary Stus also don't get away from readers.
Shikamaru finally spoke up after the spectacle. "What's so appealing about lumping us guys together?"
"It just is!" Sakura and Ino shouted, smiling. They looked at Naruto and Sasuke suddenly, as if they were pieces of meat. Hinata looked down as Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other a moment before parting space at least 15 feet.
"WTF? It's just perverted!" Naruto shouted.
Kakashi waved his hand, "It's not that bad. Us older jounin have dealt with these stories for ages."
Asuma nodded, and laughed. "You were quite a star in all those KakaIru series." Kakashi felt a cold chill spread over him as Naruto took a moment to figure out what "Iru" could've stood for.
"Iruka?" Naruto asked, then looked in ugly comprehension. "That's sick."
Kakashi patted Naruto on the back, though wincing. "It's just how it is. After the wave of doujinshi fandom, though, you get a lot of action with female fans."
Naruto then turned to Sakura, "Is that true?"
Sakura blushed, and noted, "Well, you have grown quite a lot since being a genin."
Shikamaru smiled. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea. Give a little, like a regular pose with a guy, and get a female fan or few thousand yen. "Gay for pay." He suddenly looked annoyed as he realized he said it out loud.
Shino shrugged, and the rest of the young girls of the teams blushed.
Eventually, after the heat had boiled over over the several male slash pairings of various jounin (Haku and Zabuza? WTF?), the teams had settled on their various books.
Everyone exited the bookstore, and the teams parted ways.
Kurenai then excused herself from her team. "I'll see you guys tomorrow, then?"
Hinata, Kiba, and Shino nodded. Akamaru barked. They went their own ways as Anko walked by.
"Did you bring the chains, Anko?" Kurenai mused when they were out of hearing distance of her team.
"I never forget, do I?
Anko and Kurenai walked together towards home, hips hugging.
Author's Note: I had to change the ages of the genin to 17, where they'd probably all be jounin by then. 12 seems too damn young for love. If you've read this far, then you're probably inching the mouse towards a flame review, or complaining that I didn't go into details on the argument. That and, I admit I didn't diss yaoi thoroughly enough to make this fit the title. I'll just note that I can tolerate yaoi, since I'll probably write blocks of yuri after this story. In short, I bring a peace offering. 50 or so yuri stories in the future. ^O^