Author's Suicide Note: Goodbye Cruel World!
Buffy the Cliché Slayer
A portal opened up above the locker lined hall of the old Sunnydale High School, as Anya falls from it and landed on the hard tiled floor.
"Ow. I'm getting tired of falling." Anya surveyed her surroundings. "This is the old Sunnydale High School! That means I must be somewhere between Season one and three. I better do my best to try to blend in without bumping into my previous, evil, vengeance demon-self."
"Hey look at the old lady sitting in the middle of the floor talking to herself." Random Student A shouted.
"What a weirdo!" Random Student B chimed in.
"Yeah let's shun her!" Random Student C declared.
"Bitchin'! We can ostracize her while we're at it!" Student D, who also happened to be random, exclaimed. The four students began to crowd around the frightened Anya.
"Dude, you can't ostracize and shun at the same time."
"Because they're synonymous. It's like saying you're going to stop and halt at the same time."
"Oh well then let's beat her up for being different than us."
"Yeah!" All the random students said.
"You leave her alone!" A dramatically posed silhouette shouted from the other end of the hall.
"It's Mary-Sue! Let's get out of here!" The four students, who remain genderless because of the genericness of their character, run away frantically.
A beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl entered the light. She completely lacked any physical imperfection, and her face was frozen into a bright smile. She wore an expensive designer dress, which never wrinkled, and accentuated her already perfect beauty. Anya hated her instantly.
"Are you ok?" She asked sweetly, helping Anya up.
"Yeah, I forgot how cruel kids can be." Anya said as she dusted herself off.
Mary-Sue extended her hand. "Hi, my name is Mary-Sue. What's yours?"
"Anya, Um Anya Anka." (Get it?) Anya answered.
"It's super nice to meet you, Anya! Are you new here?"
"Yeah I...uh...just transferred here this morning."
"Aren't you a little old for high school?" Mary-Sue asked.
"I got held back...a lot." Anya said. "Um can you help me? I'm looking for a book--."
"You should go to the library!" Mary-Sue interrupted helpfully. "I can take you there! You can meet my best friends Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Cordelia!" She grabbed Anya's hand and began to lead her to the library. Anya tried to resist but the girl was stronger than Buffy. When they entered the library alternative fanfic versions of Xander, Giles, Oz, Faith, Wesley, Willow, Cordelia, and Buffy greeted Mary-Sue warmly.
"Hi guys!" Mary-Sue said brightly.
"Mary Sue, I never got a chance to thank-you from saving us from that cult of Bigath Demons." Buffy said.
"No problem, those creeps were no match for a magic using, half-demon/slayer/watcher/werewolf." Mary-Sue bragged.
"Wow I thought Willow picked the "slash" book." Anya mused
"Nothing, Um so that's a pretty powerful combination there Mary--"
"And you want to know how I got be such an awesome force for good."
"Well no, but you're probably going to tell me anyway."
"I was born the daughter of a powerful witch, who fell in love with an even more powerful demon, so I naturally was born more powerful than both of them. Then at the age of 5 I was adopted by the watcher's council where I surpassed both Giles and Wesley in my studies. Then I learned that I was a slayer before Buffy and Kendra, but I was presumed dead when I was attacked by the king of the werewolves." Mary-Sue said all in one breathe. "I also cured Angel's curse, and he left Buffy to be with me." She added dreamily.
Maybe I shouldn't tell her how fat Angel gets in the next 4 years. Anya thought to herself.
"So, Mary-Sue, who's your cute friend?" Xander said laying on that old Harris charm.
"Oh I almost forgot! But I didn't because I'm perfect. Everyone this is Anya Anka. She is looking for mystical book. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to save that bus load of burning orphans I've detected with my Slayer-sense. Up, Up, and Away!" Mary-Sue lifted up off the ground and flew out the library window.
"Good-bye Mary-Sue! We'll miss you!" Everyone sans Anya called out as they waved to her.
"Well she seems nice enough." Anya noted.
"Oh God, I can't stand her." Giles said.
"Thank God, she's gone." Buffy said.
"I thought she was your best friend?"
"You try to be friend with someone more powerful then you." Faith said.
"Or more knowledgeable of arcane lore." Wesley added.
"Or funnier," Xander said
"Or smarter." Willow added.
"Or more popular." Cordelia chimed.
"Or stole your werewolf shtick." Oz said.
"And your boyfriend." Buffy replied.
"Ok I get your point. Wow that sucks. But let's focus on my problem. I'm from another dimension, and I'm trying to find my way home, which is technically a hole in the ground since I'm dead, but that's a different story. Can you help me?" Anya asked Giles.
"Well I'm not sure, I mean dimensional travel, is a, is a very difficult procedure." Giles stuttered dejectively.
"I bet you Mary-Sue could do it."
"I didn't say it was impossible." Giles said quickly.
"But if we help you, you must do something for us." Wesley said.
"Take Mary-Sue with you."
"Deal." Anya said after much deliberation. "I came here through a strange-titled book, so I guess another strange titled book is the key to getting out of here."
"I think we have just the book you are looking for. It just materialized here this morning." Giles said handing Anya the book.
"Wow that's almost too convenient for fanfiction." Anya noted as she took the book.
Just then Mary-Sue entered the room.
"Don't forget our deal." Cordelia whispered.
"What deal?" Mary-Sue asked.
"Nothing. Nevermind. Hey Mary Sue I think I found the book to help me get home, but oh gosh it's probably in some language I can't read." Anya said in her best acting voice.
"Oh I'll help you with that!" Mary-Sue said brightly.
And when they opened the book they were both sucked inside.
Giles picked up the book, and put it on the shelf.
"Hey, Giles what was the name of that book anyway?" Willow asked.
"I believe it was entitled Next Generation." Giles said.
"Hmm, must have something to do with Star Trek."
To Be Continued...