Title: Vicious Cycle

Author: Naomi Hunter/NaomiSidhe

Status: Chap. 1/?

Email: juliansidhe@zoidwars.zzn.com or Rougekitty@msn.com

Pairing: Tohma-x-Ryuichi.

Description: "It was history repeating. The apartment may have been smaller, the wine may have been cheaper, we may have been younger and less experienced, but it was all the same as that fateful night…when he told me he loved me." Ryuichi thinks that it will be another Christmas alone with only Kumagorou by his side and harsh childhood memories to visit him. However, due to a conflict between Mika and Tohma, Tohma will be staying in Tokyo. Will the tension between the two finally ease after 12 long years?

P.O.V: Ryuichi.

Rating: PG-13 (more like PG-15/16, but…)

Warnings: References to sex, affairs, homosexuality (duh), and angst.

Disc: I own the plotline only, Gravitation belongs to Maki-sama. Wait, I created Sumi. ^^.

A/N: Some Holiday goodies for everyone here! I've been on a slight Gravi hiatus but my love of Toh/Ryu is BACK! With a vengeance, a lonely vengeance because I am the only avid Toh-Ryu writer out there. *le sob* So, Meri Kurimasu! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Yule! Happy….didn't Ramadan just pass? Happy belated Ramadan! If I missed a holiday, Happy _________! ^^. Please, All I want for Kurimasu is some nice reviews.

Vicious Cycle:

Chapter One: The Past Becomes Now.

By: Naomi Hunter

I sat on the couch in the waiting room that was right before Tohma's office, Kumagorou in my lap, ear between my teeth. It was December 20th and everyone was just about going insane with either Holiday cheer, or Holiday madness. Everywhere I looked someone was rushing around either doing something merry or tearing his or her hair out and screaming. Or, in Shuichi's case, crying. Sumi was on the phone with her lover, Raharu-chan, trying to work it out so they could try and spend just a sliver of time with each other in between mingling with relatives no one really wants to see.

"Ra-chan, I know, I know, but my mother will flip if I don't show up and I don't know how to show up with you! You know I'm not out, sweetie…I know, I know. I should, I have to but I can't on Christmas. I just can't. It'd kill her…"

Shuichi's wailing distracted me from the rest of Tohma's secretary's plight.

"B-BUT, HIRO!!!!!!!" He blubbered, clinging to the auburn haired guitarist who tried to console him.

"Shuichi, why on earth would you expect Yuki to bring you home for Christmas?"
"Because he loves me!" The guitarist sighed and hugged him.

"Shu, we'll have lots of fun visiting our own families."

"But…BUT Yuki~!"

I looked to Noriko who was checking things over, grumbling something about turkeys and hams and hor…. Hors…. Whatever those appetizer things are, while Saki-chan sat on the floor with a teddy bear, rambling about how Santa would bring her a pony and a kitty and an airplane and a circus…

Tohma's office door was open and Mika was inside with him.

"I was thinking we should fly to Kyoto tomorrow." She mused as he nodded and intently searched over files upon files, upon files. "Daddy wants me to spend some time up there so I say we fly back after the New Year."
"Mika, I can't take that time off, I have work to do."
"So? Have someone else do it." Ahh, Mika's favorite saying.

"I can't. Mika, I really don't want to go up to Kyoto anyhow."
"Why not?" She was getting angry; hands on her hips, lips pursed, eyes burning like lasers.

"I just don't feel like it. I haven't seen my family in a very long time and was thinking about staying in Tokyo for Christmas."

"Tohma, you're being ridiculous. You loathe your father, your mother is dead, what are you going to do?"
"Well, I haven't seen my aunt and uncle in a while, I see Suguru a lot, but not them." He answered as my heart twinged.

Would Tohma really be home for Christmas? I was so hopeful, and then shook my head. No, why bother. Even if he were, he wouldn't ask me to spend the holidays with him. It would just be another year of Kuma and I alone, with nothing to visit us but our memories of bad men and pain.

Mika and Tohma started yelling a few moments later, about how Tohma was abandoning her and how, no he wasn't; all that unhappily married stuff.

After a few more volleys of insults and accusations, Mika stormed out. Tohma's office space soon wound down to Sumi, Tohma, Kuma and I.

Tohma put away his files and paperwork after a bit and noticed me, still sitting on the couch. Our eyes met and he smiled at me.

"Ryuichi, come in. Do you need something?" He asked as I looked to Sumi-chan who was on the phone with a client, trying to reschedule a meeting.

I got up and walked into his office, sprawling myself across the fake leather couch. I bit my tongue against answering his question--the answer had been bottled up inside me for almost a decade. He laughed softly and got up, walking over to me. He crouched and let his slender, cool fingers drape across my forehead, and a soft, tender smile on his lips.

"Do you feel well?" He asked, dragging his digits across my flesh, smoothing my hair. "The flu has been going around, or so I heard."
I shook my head, "I'm fine."
"Good." He said, letting his fingers glide across my cheek and slip down my neck.

I purred, low, in the back of my throat as I raised my chin. I couldn't help but respond to his touch.

His hand lingered only a second more till he drew away, hesitation displayed clearly in his eyes. And, could it possibly have been my imagination, but, longing as well?

He stood and looked flustered a moment. "I'm sorry. I have a meeting to attend." he said, lackadaisically, and went to leave after grabbing a file from his desk.

He stopped in the doorway, his hesitation even stronger, hand resting on the door.

This is why he never asks to see me alone; there's too much tension. He stands there, deliberating, perhaps working up the courage, the will, and the strength for what felt like hours to speak up.

"Would you like to spend Christmas with me?" He didn't turn, but by his hand, I could see he was pensive, his fingers curled slightly…

"I suppose."

"I…I was thinking that you could come over Christmas Eve and you could accompany me to my aunt's the next day?"
"That sounds fine." I played myself cool and indifferent to downplay his wavering will.

"Good…thank you, Ryuichi…." He told me, lingered a moment more, then left.

Of course, he'd left out many, major details about what was bound to happen, but I was glad. I felt wanted. Loved. I just couldn't help wanting to know still…. He he could still…. I shook my head and sighed.

Doesn't he realize that history is repeating?


I showed up at Tohma's apartment at 5 with a bottle of white wine. I was dressed in a white button down shirt and black pants, simple dress clothes. Tohma answered the door with a smile, clothed in a black sweater over a white shirt with a black tie and black slacks.

"Hi, merry Christmas." I said, handing him the wine.

"Thank you, merry Christmas to you too."

We talked in the kitchen a while, drinking our wine a little faster than we normally would, to try and dissolve the tension. Tohma poured me another glass of wine, along with another for himself, and lead me to the living room, sitting down on the couch. I stood there a moment, deciding, and then sat beside him, our thighs touching, leaning back against his shoulder. He tensed momentarily, then relaxed to my weight against him, inclining his head to me, resting his hand on my knee near my wineglass. We were quiet, for such a long time.

It was history repeating. The apartment may have been smaller, the wine may have been cheaper, we may have been younger and less experienced, but it was all the same as that fateful night…

I lay in my best friend's arms, content and warm. I'd never been so at peace. The lines between friendship and lovers blurring more frequently than not; becoming obsessed with his touch, the feel of his soft, velvet flesh against mine. It was the same as it was now, Christmas Eve, almost 12 years ago, I lay in his arms, and he told me he loved me. He kissed me and told me how much I meant to him, how he would love me forever. His gift to me was a bracelet that I still wear and his heart. We made love and woke up together in the morning; I had never been happier to realize that something like that could be so beautiful. We went to his aunt's together, hiding our love but not our joy from his family. We stayed the night, sharing a room. His father found us, curled up in a lover's embrace. I'll never forget the words of hate and pain and love… It was only a month later when Tohma's father sent him to New York with Eiri. It still brings tears to my eyes, how his love simply faded.

Now, we lay together, deep in thought. I broke the silence and stillness, slipping my hand between his legs, stroking his inner thigh. He looked into my eyes, torn between desire and uncertainty.

"Tohma, do you still love me?"

His eyes went wide, then closed as he pulled me into him. "Oh, Ryuichi…" he whispered, touching my cheek gently. "I never stopped…"
"You never act like it."

"God…Ryu…. I've been trying so hard…. so hard to be what my father wants me to be, what Mika wants me to be, what everyone wants me to be…except for what I want me to be…" He said as I shook my head.

"It hasn't been easy for me either, Tohma. I know what you're going through. I went through it with you. Sometimes I think you've forgotten me, forgotten what we had and what we were."
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, burying his face in my shoulder. "I love you, Ryu…I've never lied when I said that. I've never lied to you…"

"I know…" I said as he lifted his face.

We stared at each other a moment or so, then his lips touched mine, fulfilling my every fantasy… I needed him like I needed air.

History was indeed repeating. He lay me out on the couch, underneath his slender body, devouring my flesh hungrily. His body felt so desperate…as desperate as I was… I'd never felt so good…

I woke up curled around my one-true love, his arms wrapped tightly around me. He was in the midst of kissing up my neck, making his way to my pierced ears, abusing the studs and rings as gently as he could.

"I love you, Sakuma Ryuichi…forever," he whispered, lips against my earlobe, his teeth nibbling at it. I kissed his collarbone, since it was where I was nestled, and returned his promise.

[To Be Continued/Concluded…]

a/n: Happy Holidays everyone, I'll get cracking on ch. 2.