By Marcus L. Rowland

Five 100-word Drabbles, mostly crossovers, written for the 882 Ways To Appease The Heathen Gods Pirates of the Caribbean challenge. The other 877 can be found online, but won't let me give you the address! See my user information, it's there. A couple have been edited slightly to correct errors etc.

One day I really must watch the film...

All characters etc. belong to their respective creators, and there is no intention to infringe copyright. These stories may not be distributed for profit.

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Untitled (Dr. Who Crossover)

The pirates stare at the silver-armoured monsters, the blue hut, and the old gentlemen aiming a cannon at them. They sense the gold, know he has fourteen pieces. As they prepare to slit his throat he fires the cannon.

The monsters fall, lie thrashing on the ground. The old gentleman turns towards the pirates, gestures towards the monsters, saying "Your gold's over there. Only thing that'll kill them."

They can sense it, know he's telling the truth, and forget him as they run to loot the bodies.

Behind them the old man steps into the blue hut, which vanishes.

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Tales of the Black Freighter (Watchmen Crossover, Spoilers)

The comic blows across the street, over the bodies heaped on either side of the road. It tells a tale of cursed gold, magic and murder.

The kid who was reading it is lucky; he'll die without regaining consciousness. Hundreds of thousands of others will suffer the torments of the damned.

In Antarctica the cause of their suffering waits to face his furies. It's said that gold can be reused forever; Ozymandias sometimes wonders if the metal of his costume came from concentration camp teeth, or from the treasures of Troy, but somehow never thinks of Aztecs or the Caribbean.

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Joe checks the screen, seventeen million messages sent in the last twenty-four hours, and looks through twenty-odd replies. Most are abusive, he notes the addresses as real people, but there's one... says he doesn't have a credit card, wants to send cash payment for the Penis Extension Patch and Paris Hilton videos.

He sends the address of his post office box, and he's still marvelling at people's gullibility when he opens the padded envelope a week later and sees the golden payment. He's still sniggering when a skeletal foot kicks down the door and a cutlass takes his head.

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Self Preservation Society (Italian Job crossover)

Charlie thinks for a moment, says "Now here's my plan..."

Space rips at the end of the coach, a pirate materialises by the gold. The coach teeters down and Charlie and the others scramble back.

The pirate pulls a bar from the stack, examines it, throws it at Charlie grazing his arm, blood trickles down the coach. He studies another bar, then another, pulls one from the stack, dips it in the blood, and vanishes. The coach rocks back, the remaining bars slide back to the waiting thieves. "You jammy bastard," says Rozzer as they climb out with the gold.

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Just Not Her Day... (BtVS crossover)

One Chinese girl in a rebellion should have been easy, now a dozen pirates were crippled. She didn't seem to know what they were after, and none of them spoke Chinese.

"Having problems?" asked the stranger.

"We've lost a coin with sentimental value, the lass doesn't understand."

"I'll ask her. Just a minute." He went inside. After a while the pirates followed and found him, eyes yellow, fangs red, and the drained corpse.

"This it?" asks the vampire, tossing the pirates a bloody coin.

"That it is, mate."

"My pleasure," said Spike as they vanished, "Thanks for softening her up!"