For the Love of A Traitor


I feel horrible.

We know there's a traitor among us. It's not I, that I'm fully aware of. It can't be Peter, he's not intelligent enough - and, with all the respect, I highly doubt Voldemort would be even interested to have someone like he in his army. James or Lily it obviously isn't.

That leaves only Remus.

How could he be? I know him. I know him better than myself. He'd never betray us, I know that.

But still... There are no options. He must have slided to the Dark Side. My friend, my lover, is a traitor.

I can't believe it.

When I am around him, I can feel his love and loyalty radiating from him. I see the friendship in his eyes when he looks at James and Lily. I see the obvious love in him when he plays with baby Harry. He loves them all. He loves *us* all. He couldn't possibly be the traitor.

But who other could it be?

Sometimes I doubt even myself.

I don't show my suspections to him, nor I talk with him about them. I can't. If he really is the traitor, I don't want to warn him. If he isn't - what I want to believe with all my heart, really, he can't be - I don't want to hurt him. And he'd be hurt, I know that.

Whenever I hold him, I know it isn't he who's spilling knowledge to the Dark Lord. Whenever I kiss him, I can feel how he loves me, how he'd never do that. Whenever I am inside him, I know I'm suspecting the wrong person, I know I'm wrong, I'd believe I'm the traitor myself rather.

But then come those long, lonely evenings, when he's away on his mysterious tasks for the Order nobody seems to know anything about - When I'm alone in our flat, walking around, too restless to do any real work - When I feel so lonely and so confused - Oh, I'd kill myself rather than believe that he's the traitor, but I don't have any options, really.

What was it that he said to me once? We were sitting in our living room, next to each other, my arms around him. It was warm and nice and quiet, and I felt all safe and comfortable for once.

"Another werewolf disappeared today," he said, and I felt him shiver in the circle my arms.

"Don't worry, love," I murmured to him. "They won't get you. I won't let them get you."

"I'm not worried about that," he said. "Sirius... I don't believe all those werewolves are killed or captured."

"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling confused. He looked so miserable and uncomfortable back then.

"I mean... Sirius, I believe they've left for the Dark Side." He leaned against me, and I felt his body tremble a bit. "The Dark Lord is gathering his army. He gratefully welcomes all dark creatures. And werewolves - we surely are dark creatures." He raised his troubled, golden eyes to me, and I saw little tears in the corners of them. "Sirius - don't let me slip. Don't let me go to the Dark. I know I'm inclined to that, more so than people usually are. I'm a werewolf. It's much more tempting to me."

I hugged him tightly, keeping him so close to me as humanly possible. "Don't worry," I murmured to his ear. "You may be a werewolf, but you're a person with golden heart. You're not evil, Remus. You're the best person in the world."

"Thanks," he murmured. "But Sirius... With all my heart, all my power I ask you... Don't let me slip."

"I won't," I promised, hugging him tighter than ever before, kissing his tears away. "I'll never give you away, love."

I think that was the first time ever I doubted him.

That's also one of the reasons why I can't tell him. If I let him know what I think about him, and he wasn't the traitor - what I really hope - he would doubt his own loyalty. And I fear those doubts would lead him to the Dark. In the depths of my heart I possess a firm hope he isn't the traitor, and I don't want to be the one to make him one.

Tomorrow we'll change. It took forever to get James do this. But I can't be their Secret Keeper, I simply can't, not with these thoughts in my mind. I'd probably crash down and tell everything to the first one who's interested to listen.

He isn't surprised by my suggestion for the new secret keeper. Disappointed, and upset, yes, but not surprised. We both know that Remus is the most possible traitor. We all know, yet no one ever says it. We have never talked about it - I think James respects the love between I and Remus too much to ever even suggest my lover could be the one who's working for the Dark.

And yet we both know that we both think it's him.

Peter will not have these thoughts. He probably doesn't even understand that there is a traitor in the first point. Lucky Peter, he's too dumb to even understand what's going on. He doesn't have to doubt his lover, doubt himself, doubt his own judgement.

Remus feels so warm on my arms when I welcome him back home at night. We eat a quiet dinner together, then we kiss. He melts on my arms, and I start leading our way to the bedroom.

I want to tell him, but I can't. He'll most probably hate me after that, but I want our last night together be as perfect as it can. I throw aside all my doubts and concentrate on him, my lover, my precious treasure I don't want to lose just yet.

Afterwards he sleeps next to me, curled on a ball, his head tugged under my jaw, his hands resting on my chest. I've wrapped my arms around him, rubbing soothingly his back, and all those thoughts come back to me.

I let my gaze examine his scarred body. My poor love, he's been hurt so much. Every inch of his body seems to be patterned by scars, scars of fights, yes, but mostly caused by his transformations.

I kiss one silvery scar on his shoulder. His skin feels so soft. I run my fingers on his left forearm. There's no mark on his skin, only few scars broking the golden surface of his body. I feel relieved, as I feel every time I see it. He doesn't have the Dark Mark. At least not yet.

I can't help myself wondering how long his arm will stay unmarked.

I pull the covers over us both. I want to protect him from cold, protect us both from the cold, evil world, where you can trust no one, where your most loved ones can betray you.

Tomorrow he will hate me forever. I want to hold him as long as I still can.

I want to hold him forever, but I can't.

Merlin help my heart, I can't.