Author's Note: This story is yet again being revised – my atrocious spelling and grammar as of three years ago has begun to take its toll on, well, everything and I want to make this story as bearable as possible to read. Tee hee! Please review (as always) for there will be cookies and love to spread amongst all of you dearies. Also, look for an update to this story in the next few weeks.

Toodles!

Disclaimer: I do not own Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters and/or events associated with this film.


RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate
Captain Jack Sparrow – Week 1

DAY 1

Anamaria and Roselind turned on me this evening, one right after the other. I swore I'd been with no other women! Well, except for Maria…Isabel…Oh and Lorena…and Estrella…Can't forget her…But it was an accident!

Oh and there was this lovely little shindig I managed to faniggle into…danced with this girl…and Turner was there too! With lovely Lizzy! Tsk, tsk, Turner. Got to learn to keep your cat on a leash! Rawr! I believe I saw Norrington, and I think my suspicions proved true as the sop was hunched over in a chair, hugging himself and sobbing something horrendous…Ehh…

Bloody monkey kept me awake all hours of the night. Asked Gibbs; he says he heard nothing. Note to self: Buy more traps. Extra large.


DAY 2

Got drunk again last evening. Rum tasted bitter; suspectin' Monkey found out about plans and pissed in rum. I swear Monkey followed me everywhere today, his beady eyes followin' me every move. Wait…What am I talkin' about?! I must still be feeling effects of rum…Monkey…I'm gonna hurl…


DAY 3

Ran into bloody Norrington, rather cheeky fellow he is sayin' somethin' 'bout him bein' Commodore now, eh. Whoopee. Too bad he lost Elizabeth – he needs a woman.

Went into town, bought some more traps, went back to the boat. We really do need a ship…a nice ship…a BIG ship…like the Pearl…Now, don't get me wrong; our little boat – err, ship – works just fine. Maybe it just needs to be painted a different color…

I left Gibbs in charge and this shall be the last time I ever do that. Let's just say it was a matter of leverage.

Took a nap. Gibbs woke me for dinner. Note to self: Don't let Gibbs make dinner.


DAY 4

Caught up with Will; he and Elizabeth have decided to get married. Funny, I always thought of him as a eunuch…Ah, nevermind then. He seems more less of a pirate now than before he made such a decision, which can only mean one thing: she's turnin' him into a gentlemanly, eunuchy dandy! Poor lad doesn't even remember Tortuga!

Anamaria went with me to town, dragged me with her into a shop while she tried on dresses for an hour. Last time I take a woman with me…Tho' it'd be bad not to 'ave 'er. Mr. Cotton went also. Poor man needed a new parrot as 'is died 'bout three days ago. Fell off the rigging just as someone swung a beam…Poor bird was blown out over the water. Never saw 'em again. Cotton's been heartbroken an' barely left his cabin. That bird was 'es life. Can't say I missed the bloody bird anyway, always talkin' t' me…Poor man. Anyway…Got to go, Gibbs is making dinner again an' I gotta get a bucket.


DAY 5

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! ALL THANKS TO BLOODY, STUPID WILL!

How so? Well, BLOODY STUPID WILL stole my compass! Yes, you know, THE ONE THAT SUPPOSEDLY DOESN'T WORK! He found it on the floor in his bathroom and said that it was, and I quote in the most pansy-ish, fruit-cup-ish accent I can conjure – COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME SINCE IT DIDN'T WORK AND ALL AND THAT IT WOULD GO WELL IN A MUSEUM! So, he took it to the museum down the street and sold it for a lousy SHILLING. A SHILLING! I could've ripped his bloody head off! But Elizabeth rushed in and told me not to kill the whelp because he was worth $15mil. OOOOOH, EXCUSE ME, MISS. THING, MS. BLOODY STUPID WILL TURNER! I WON'T LAY A HAND ON YOUR BLOODY $15MILLION DOLLAR PAYCHECK!! I ran out fuming and tripped over a bloody rock! Everyone came and say "Captain" Jack Sparrow, flat on his face cursing a bloody stupid rock. Everyone. That's not all though. Oh no. Cotton's NEW parrot, Jolly, came along and crapped right on me back. Wonderful. Captain Bird Crap Sparrow…

STUPID BLOODY BIRD!!


DAY 6

Thank God Gibbs has been removed from kitchen duty! I don't think I would've been able to stand another "home cooked" meal.

Turner came and apologized this morning. Must've realized what a mistake marrying that hussy Elizabeth was. But ah, I bet he kissed her and all was well once more. Wonderful.

Still haven't caught Monkey; he's sleeping durin' the day and prancing around durin' the night. Gibbs still hasn't heard. The man's deaf, I swear.

The crew sang a delightful song…About clams and oysters. Pity.

Oh yes, and Cotton replaced Gibbs on kitchen duty which I fear is another mistake because Jolly is in there with 'em. Birds and food – not a good combination, especially after what Cotton's other bird did to Mullroy and Murtogg! Think about it…What if we were to have chowder?


DAY 7

Well, it's been a week since we've arrived in Port Royal. Since this be the last night here, we must have a good time.

Events for this evening include:

1. Take Anamaria out for a lovely candlelit dinner…Try and win her over again (hehe.)

2. Let Cotton go into town and try to find more manuscripts for Jolly.

3. Remind Lee to swab me holds; during Gibb's kitchen duty they got awfully messy.

4. Buy hat.

5. Remember not to reveal rum stash to anyone…Wait, I be so drunk so I won't be able to remind myself…Bugger!

6. Send professional opinion on Elizabeth to Will.

Well, a good time is about to begin. I shall write soon for tomorrow, we leave for…TORTUGA!