Author's Note: Thanks to all the guys and dolls that have reviewed. Loves you!

Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. Pffft, just give me some Norrie...rawr.


RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate
Mr. Mercer - Week 1


DAY 1

My therapist says keeping a diary is a good way to get my anger issues sorted out and to make sure my other issues – peanut issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, shiny buckle issues, spider issues, Kleenex issues…

ANYHOO… I need a hobby…scraping the bottoms of Cutler's boots and dispatching his frenemies just isn't cutting it for me. Where is the excitement? The hubbub? The bliss?


DAY 2

Still no hobby.

More shameless doing of bad things and things that are not so good. My tummy hurts.


DAY 3

I GOT A PUPPY! The most precious Cocker Spaniel the likes of which this sad island has ever seen! Sparkles will be my bestest best friend forever…we'll finger paint, take long walks on the beach, watch the sun set, splash in the fountain in the middle of Port Royal Square, catch butterflies…Oh, my life is complete at long last.


DAY 4

DOOOOOOOOOOM!!1

Cutler is being a buttmunch today! So here I was headed to the drycleaners to drop off my black coat and matching hosiery (if you wash them yourself, they get all these little fuzzies stuck to them and the colors dull like you would not believe)…anyway…Cutler tells me to just do it later because he has an errand for me. It can't wait! I'm wearing off-black today! I need my pure onyx black midnight oil leggings and tights and panties and…my coat…and….NO!! I need them to be menacing! His errand is probably junk anyway. Like the time when he told me to go to the soap store because it wasn't the right "shade" of lilac. What does that even mean?! Or…Or…Or when he made me take that boat to Tortuga and I ended up getting mugged! They took my razors…I need those to –

(The rest of the page is a smudged mess of wet and black…Mercer still has issues applying his guy-liner.)


DAY 5

nOM, NOM, NoM…

I heart cheese.


DAY 6

Did NOT have the happiest of days.

Sparkles was cheating on me with the cabana boy. I found them in the cabana thing with chewies and a squeaky moose. A SQUEAKY MOOSE!!

Killed cabana boy. There was a lot of blood. And banana tanning lotion.

THEN, Cutler had my second cousin's sister's best friend burned at the stake for being a pirate. Since we were so closely related, Cutler nearly turned on me. To prove my loyalty, I brought him a lemon tort and a Shetland pony named Henry. Shetland pony wiped out my savings, which means no more cheese.

Note to self: Kill Henry.


DAY 7

Cutler and I stayed up late playing pinochle like two old ladies, gossiping and sipping tea by the fire in our finest flannel pajamas. It's like having the sister I never had! I had to wipe away a few tears…
But then he turned on me! Screaming at me like a madman when I asked if he wanted some more graham crackers. The Beast swiped at me and overturned the card table, shouting about how virile he is and how he is one to be reckoned with! I agreed, naturally, but don't quite understand the virile part…

He doesn't want to be called Cutler anymore. Just Lord Beckett, his worshipfulness, or Lord Beckett the Sovereign of Port Royal and the Universe.

The power is driving him mad…or maybe it was just the absinthe I poured in his tea.