Title: A Universe Not Theirs
Summary: The most vicious aliens in the universe are after the last person on earth Kay expected – his ex-wife. Post MIB II.
Author's Notes: PG-13 for language. All usual disclaimers apply. Enjoy!
"I cannot do this anymore."
Agent Kay looked up from his desk work to see his partner, Agent Jay, standing over him holding a stack of yellow papers and looking decidedly annoyed.
"At least not on a Monday morning," Jay sighed, dropping the papers on the end of Kay's desk. He sat down in an empty chair and stared impatiently at the ceiling. "Man, you and I are highly specialized, highly trained agents, what're we doing working on paperwork? Aren't there some butts out there we could be savin'?"
"Sorry kid," Kay said, turning back to his own paperwork. "All quiet on the home front."
"That's a good thing, I guess," Jay muttered, looking restlessly about the huge office they were in. Seemed everything and everyone was working at a slower pace today. Even the aliens waiting in customs looked like they had all the time in the world. Jay rapped his fingers on the arm of the chair and tapped his foot. He liked action. Being chained to a desk was like purgatory to someone like him who craved to be out in the field, doing something, anything. He often thought he could stare any sort of difficulty right in the face and not flinch – but being trapped inside filling out mindless busywork was enough to do him in. He sighed. "Kay, there's got to be something we can do! Something that requires movement."
"Pushing a pen over paper requires movement."
"You know what I mean."
"You know, you should really take the time to enjoy these little breaks in our work."
"I hate paperwork. Reminds me of the NYPD." Kay said nothing and continued to work. Jay looked away, annoyed, his eyes landing on a purple alien going through the customs line. He watched carefully as the alien silently reached into its cloak and began to pull out something metal and diabolical looking…
"FREEZE!" Jay roared, leaping heroically up onto Kay's desk and pulling out his gun. Unfortunately, landing on a stack of papers never proves to be beneficial to one's balance, and Jay, having lost his footing, soon found himself flying through the air, minus his gun, and landing back on Kay's desk, effectively breaking it into two even pieces, sending the computer and a massive amount of paperwork soaring into the air.
The office was silent a moment. Papers wafted gently in the air, raining down on Kay and the recently horizontal Jay, as the alien in question held up a magnifying glass. "For my kids," he gargled in his own language.
Jay looked over at Kay. His face was stony. He leaned over, carefully so as to bisect his injured desk, to examine his computer, which now lay in about sixteen separate pieces on the floor. Kay sat up straight and looked back at Jay, who smiled meekly. He sighed and stood up. "C'mon."
"Where we going?"
"As I am deskless and you are a child, we're gonna go find some alien trouble. Let's go."
"Now you're talkin'!"
Five minutes later a black Mercedes thundered out onto the streets of Manhattan blasting Sisters Sledge. "Jay, what the hell is this?!" Kay cried over a rapturous chorus of 'We Are Family.'
"It's a classic!"
"Turn it off, or we'll go back and do paperwork!"
Silence. "Kay, am I going to be able to use my new invisibility mode for this? Check this out." Jay pressed a button on the side of his watch and disappeared. "Pretty slick, huh?"
"Impractical for this mission."
"It'll come in handy someday. So what have we got? Body snatching? Illegal cloning of alien life forms? Stowaway trouble?" Jay asked as he faded back into view.
A pause. "Gerbils."
"That's right, slick," Kay said as he pulled into an apartment building parking lot.
Jay frowned. "The MiB was called out…'cause of gerbils?"
"Look kid, you're the one who wanted to go out, not me. This stuff is for our minor agents, but no, Mr. Jay was bored, and – "
"All right, all right, all right. So we got gerbils."
"What about these gerbils?" Jay asked as they both got out of the car and started for the door.
"I don't know," Kay said, straightening out his jacket.
Jay shook his head. "Man, I love it how you always know exactly what's going on," he said sarcastically. "I mean, I feel really comfortable working with a man who's always one step ahead of the game – "
"Don't push your luck, kid."
A scene seldom seen by any greeted Kay and Jay at the door of the apartment in question. A mighty gerbil, a queen among rodents, towered above all who beheld her – and most of those beholding her were hiding behind the couch and whimpering. Towering wasn't the only thing she was doing, however; bits of froth careened from her mouth as the building shook from her deafening roar, her claws slashing the spring-hued curtains to bits, and her swarthy tail swishing back and forth, as if challenging anyone to go near her.
"Prunella!" Kay shouted reproachfully once he caught sight of the massive rodent. "I thought I told you to stay out of the pet shops! You know you aren't cleared for domestic living arrangements!"
"You know this thing?!" Jay screamed, astonished at his partner once again.
The gerbil roared again, tongue flailing. "Is that so?" Kay said, cocking one ear to hear her better. "Well, when was the last time?" Again, the gerbil snarled thunderously. Jay covered his ears. Kay shook his head. "You have to forgive them, Prunella! I can't be called out here every time your owner forgets to feed you, for crying out loud!" Kay pulled a small device out of his coat, aimed it at Prunella, and fired. Although writhing, she shrunk back down to normal gerbil size and Kay picked her up. She docilely licked his finger. "You have some serious anger management problems, you know that? Now, I'll continue to let you live here if you promise no more flare ups!" Prunella chee-ed. "All right, then. Its settled. Six alien anger management classes down at MiB headquarters and if I get one more call to come here you're going straight back where you came from, little miss. Got it?" Kay put on his sunglasses and aimed it at the panic-stricken family. Jay covered his eyes as it flashed. "All right. Your gerbil did not grow to over one hundred times its normal size, and it did not deafen you with its war cry. You will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever forget to feed your gerbil ever again. Your curtains were destroyed by a flock of rabid pigeons, and my partner and I are just a figment of your imagination." He turned to Jay. "C'mon kid, let's get out of here."
"Gladly," Jay muttered, following his partner out the door.
"Well, enough for one day?" Kay asked as they both got back in the car.
Jay sighed. "I would face a hundred of those damn things before looking forward to paperwork…"