DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all of the Buffy characters, and 'Cheaper by the Dozen' is property of the Gilbreth family.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This isn't my usual cup of tea. At all. I rarely write AU stories where everyone is human, and I'm definitely not into basing fics off of movies (just look how long 'Bless the Child' lasted…), but I was insomniac girl until I gave into my muse, so here ya go.
In case you couldn't tell by the title, it's based off of 'Cheaper by the Dozen.' If you've seen the recent movie, you'll recognize some of the roles. I took liberties with some of the others, and the first person narration. In reference to the original book, all of the kids have genius IQ's, hence a very not-nine-year-old narration from a nine year old narrator.
And, lastly, I'm still very sorry about my Throwback and Small Packages blocks. I've written part of a Throwback chapter. I'll try to finish it up and post soon, I promise.
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN: Chapter One
"So that's the plan," I said, eyeing the others carefully. "Everybody got it?"
Wes pretended not to hear me, but the others nodded solemnly. They understood the importance of a Giles family plan. My great-grandma Gilbreth used to say that a family that plots together, stays together. Okay, so maybe she didn't actually say that, but if she hadn't been so busy trying to survive my great-grandpa Gilbreth, she definitely would have.
Tara stared at me, and I sighed. "Problem?" I asked. She shook her head, her blonde pigtails flying, and after a moment, crooked her finger at me. I bent down to her level, and she whispered in my ear.
"Excellent suggestion," I said. Of all of us, Tara was the quietest. That wasn't saying much since the rest of us were all pretty loud, but Tara was still a Giles through and through. For a six year old, she sure knew how to plot.
"Tara thinks we should have a contingency plan in case we get caught." I turned my attention to the youngest Giles family members in attendance. "Think you guys can take the fall?" I asked them.
Anya and Andrew looked at each other and then turned to me and nodded solemnly. They were only four, so there was no way that Dad was going to get mad at them for a Giles-sized plan.
"I don't know about this," Wes said. He'd finally decided to stop pretending that he wasn't part of The Plan.
I looked at the rest of my brothers and sisters. "I think we can all agree that this Parker guy is a loser," I said.
"He hates kids," Dawnie said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"He's stupid," Xander said, putting his hands on his hips.
"And he smells weird," Willow piped up. Tara nodded, confirming her twin's words.
We all turned to Wes.
"I think we can all agree that Buffy needs to ditch Parker, fast," I said, giving him a hard look.
"Agreed," he said finally.
"And it's not like she's going to get rid of him on her own," I said.
Finally, Wes grinned, showing some real Giles spirit. "I'm in," he said.
I grinned. I knew he'd come around. He always did. If there was one thing I knew, it was my brothers and sisters. Since there were eleven of them, it was a full time job.
Buffy was the oldest, and if you ask me, the dumbest. She could never decide whether she loved us or hated us, and she bossed us all around like she was God, just because she was twenty. Mom and Dad thought she made a great baby-sitter (gag me), but ever since Parker, the model/actor, had moved into her apartment, we'd been seeing less and less of her. She may have been a pain in the butt, but she was a Giles, and that meant she had me watching her back. Hence, Project Parker.
At seventeen, Riley thought he was way too cool to hang out with us younger kids, which was too bad. I could have used his muscle power. Riley thought he was the athlete in the family, but that's only because I was too young to play football.
Cordy was sixteen, and if Buffy was the dumbest of my brothers and sisters, Cordy was by far the most annoying. She spent all of her time in the bathroom, complaining about wearing Buff's hand-me-down's. Didn't she realize that I wore hand-me-hand-me-downs? When it came to plans, Cordy hadn't been useful ever since she'd discovered makeup and boys.
Mom and Dad thought they were done after Cordy, but boy, were they wrong. They had one too many martini's at a family wedding, and nine months later, hello Wesley.
Then came Xander. At eleven, he was definitely the resident goofball and the master of distractions. Nobody could rig an exploding jello-balloon quite like Xander.
Then, finally, we're to me. That's right, I was lucky number six, and five minutes later, my twin sister Dawn was lucky number seven. What can I say about me and Dawnie? I'm the smart one, no joke, but Dawn, she's a genius, too. All of Mom and Dad's kids are, or so standardized tests say. I think there must have been a flaw in the system when it came to Buffy, Riley, and Cordy. Geniuses? Them? I don't think so.
At eight and a half, Lindsey was nine months younger than Dawnie and me, and as far as little siblings went, he was pretty darn useful. Dad called him the arbitrator, because he was always making deals and getting all of us kids out of the trouble that Giles Kid Plans got us into.
You'd think that eight kids was enough, right? Not with my mom and dad, because a year and a half after Lindsey, mom had her second set of twins: Willow and Tara. Of all of us kids, Willow was probably the smartest. She definitely sounded more like a genius than the rest of us, using big words all the time. Personally, I preferred four letter words, but not Willow. She liked big old words like transubstantiation and verisimilitude. Like I said before, Tara almost never said anything, but she and Willow were really close. It's a twin thing.
Speaking of twins, you guessed it. Mom and Dad thought they were done after Willow and Tara. They even said they were done after Willow and Tara. Dad even got a surgery to keep them from having more kids, but trust me, it's impossible to stop a Giles from doing anything, so four years ago, the ten of us kids got our last surprise: another set of fraternal twins, Anya and Andrew.
Yup, twelve kids. Like I said, looking after them all and keeping them all in line is a full time job, but someone's got to do it, and that someone is me, Faith Giles.
"Ready?" I asked, sticking my hand out in front of me.
"Ready," Dawnie said, slapping her hand on top of mine, a wicked grin on her face. Dawn knew a fun time when she saw one, and Project Get Rid of Parker was going to be a fun time.
"Big with the ready," Willow said, sticking her hand in, and Tara stuck hers in silently.
"Ready, ready, ready!" Andrew said. He had an awful lot of enthusiasm for such a little guy. He sniffed and used the back of his hand to wipe his nose before sticking his hand in.
"Sex," Anya said, sticking her hand in. In Anya-speak, that meant 'ready.' Ever since Mom had told her about the birds and the bees the week before, four year old Anya had been absolutely obsessed with sex.
"Ready, Sarge," Xander said, with a funny salute.
I smacked him, but grinned back. Lindsey put his hand in silently, and I knew I could count on him for damage control if we got caught. We all turned to look at Wes.
"We-esssss!" Dawnie whined, drawing out his name. Dawnie was a first class whiner. I crossed the fingers on my other hand behind my back, waiting. For this plan to work, I needed Wes.
Wes adjusted his glasses, sighed, and put his hand in with ours. "Ready," he said, his eyes flashing.
When it came down to it, he was really a Giles, just like the rest of us, glasses, books, and all.
"Let's do this," I said, my voice low.
And with that, we went to work.
TBC…the kids get rid of Parker, Faith sets her mind to finding a decent guy for Buffy, a neighborhood kid makes the mistake of picking on Tara, and Faith earns her title as the family rebel and mastermind.
I've never written anything like this before, and I'm not sure if I'll be writing more of it. Let me know what you think, and if you'd like to see more, REVIEW!