A Naruto Fanfiction
Warning: R, Yaoi, perverseness, bad humor, OOCness
Disclaimer: I don't own it...
Note: I'm really sorry about the late update! But alas I was busy (school, exams... Etc.)... I hope you will like this chappie! Oh and don't expect another update soon, because I'm going to visit Japan (Anime, I'm coming!!!!!) this summer for three weeks!! Muwahahahahaha! I love it! Please R&R!!!
Oh and thanks to anyone who reviewed! I sadly can't answer, because this is against the rules of FFNet. Stupid..., but.... Once again, thanks!
"Blah" - Speaking
'Blah' - Thinking
It was dramatic
It was heartbreaking
It was so sad
It was a lover's spat!!!
Well, technically no lover's spat, because Naruto and Sasuke weren't lovers (Buhuuu!!), but that's beside the ENTIRE point, and ignore Inner Sasuke's sobbing.
"Sasuke, please don't be mad! I had no choice, but to kiss your brother! He practically forced me to do this!" Naruto defended himself, his arms crossed before him.
"Oh yeah?!!! I bet you enjoyed this, didn't you! Kissing Itachi made you all hot and aching, huh! AM I RIGHT?! AREN'T I?!" Sasuke screeched loudly, pacing in circles, throwing a hissy fit.
"That's.... coughs true, but this doesn't matter! Why are you so upset?!"
"WHY??!! WHY?! YOU'RE ASKING WHY?! Because....!!!" Sasuke trailed off and looked at the ground. "Why him....., why him of all people!! We had a history together Naruto! I saved you, died for you, you saved me, nearly died for me!! And this doesn't mean ANYTHING to you?!! WHY?? My hated brother really get's anything! It's his fault why I'm cursed this way!! It's your fault Itachi, that I like frilly things! It's your fault that I get wet dreams about Orochimaru!!"
"EEEEEEWWWWW!" Was the general reply.
"Yes; EWW!! So why Naruto did you kiss Itachi and not me?! I NEED THE COMFORT!! I!! Not Itachi, that slimy weasel-thingy!! Kiss me!!! ME! Sasuke Uchiha!!" Sasuke snarled, eye twitching madly, pointing at himself.
"Sasuke, dude, mate, amigo, friend, teammate, chico, bloke, buddy, I know that you're messed up, but that bad?" The blonde questioned, raising an eyebrow, taking cautiously a few steps back.
"Oh yes!" Sasuke wailed loudly, fake tears running down his face, throwing his arms around himself.
"It was simply terrible!!! My angst-filled, horrible, hellish, sad, heart-breaking, bad, not-good, terrible past shaped me to that being I am today!!!" The youngest Uchiha member cried, falling dramatically to his knees, sobbing.
"Sasuke" Naruto deadpanned "You suck at acting. Quit it. I certainly won't pity you and shower you with affection and make sweet promises of eternal love."
'Dammit!!' Inner Sasuke shouted, shaking his fist. 'This is all your fault! If you wouldn't suck at acting!'
'Excuse me for sucking at acting!!' Outer Sasuke replied, pouting.
"Uh well, it was worth a try" Sasuke nonchalantly said, brushing off invisible dirt on his shorts, acting cool. 'But I won't give up! You're mine Naruto! Since you kissed me, you're mine! I will have my official kiss! Just you wait!'
Gaara cleared his throat and stepped up to Naruto, green eyes twinkling. "After this matter is cleared..., I've a proposal to make..." The red-haired boy murmured, his cheeks tinted red, as he pulled out a little black box.
Everyone's eyes widened a great deal and Naruto's breathing hitched.
"G-gaara...!" Stuttered the vessel of the Kyuubi, blue eyes wide in shock.
'Am I old enough to marry?? Do I want to settle down? Oh my god!!! Sensory overload!!' Naruto's mind reeled.
'My, that Gaara kid sure wants to claim his prize quickly....' Thought Kakashi, pondering. 'Hehe, I like that.' Parental urge to kinky perverseness: 'This is your under-age student! Don't think bad things like that!' Perverseness to parental urge: 'Does it look like I care? Hehehehe!' Parental urge: 'I give up. You're hopeless.'
"Gaara, are you really, really, really serious about that? Aren't we too young for that....? I mean it's after all...., a very serious matter...." Konoha's number one hyperactive ninja questioned, twiddling with his fingers like Hinata always does.
"No. In fact, I'd thought about this for a long time...."
The blonde shinobi gulped loudly and sweated waterfalls.
Gaara got on his knees and took Naruto's hand in his, looking up seriously. He opened the lid of the black box slowly and...
"Naruto would you be so kind and kill people together with me in the holy act of murdering innocents?"
...in the box was the eyeball of a fox.
"Eh, Gaara you're a very sick boy...." Naruto answered and closed the box quickly, his face green. "So I've been told." Smirked the other shinobi smugly.
"Maybe later?" The orange-clad genin suggested, sweatdropping.
Gaara gasped and held back glistening tears, stumbling away from Naruto, holding his right hand to his chest. 'I was rejected by the person I love deeply!! My life is over!! Nothing matters anymore!!! Suicide I'm coming! Sweet, sweet death!'
Man, Gaara was such a drama queen when he wanted to be.
[Please note that the author knows that Gaara is so OOC it only makes the readers puke. Author apologizes.]
"Naruto... does that mean you want to be with Gaara of the Sand in the future?" Neji quietly asked, gritting his teeth.
"Sure, why not? He was after all the first one who proposed to me and everything, he is also a vessel of a demon and is kinda cute... and I bet that he has a great stamina too." The blonde shrugged, looking at his nails nonchalantly.
Neji felt his heart breaking in tiny pieces at these words. Gaara brightened up and snapped out of his self-pitying and gloated, smirking superior at a glowering Sasuke, who was gritting his teeth together. Oh, the teenager angst and drama!
"You mean it?" The long-haired genius of the Hyuga clan asked again.
Naruto nodded without hesitation, bewildered.
And Neji ran off crying, cursing fate, destiny and his own slowness, sobbing his poor aching heart out...
As nice as this scene would be, it's entirely too OOC, even for me....
Meanwhile Sasuke was plotting a fool-proof plan! Yes, he was? Indeed, he was! He wanted Naruto Uzumaki, no matter what! And Uchihas always get what they wanted in the end, no questions asked. Hell yeah!
So, that was the plan: To get Naruto Uzumaki in Sasuke's lonely (!!) and cold bed
Problem Nr. 1: Gaara, strong and deadly.
Problem Nr. 2: Naruto himself, who did not show any interest in Sasuke
Problem Nr. 3: Sasuke was too horny to think up a good plan (He was after all a teenager! That was the excuse!)
Solution: Use the advice of trashy romance novels!! Aka the return of the sought after Icha Icha Paradise Yaoi Edition!! /Choir sings in the background/
'Hah! I am a genius after all!!! Take that Itachi no baka! In your face!! Muwahahaha!'
Sasuke smirked and flipped through a book, called: "A sappy cliché, gay love-story in romantic surroundings with noisy and curious nagging onlookers, so fake and fluffy it only makes the reader sick "
Love makes you act crazy and hey, that guy was desperate!
'I heard that serenading your loved ones will always make them appreciate their suitors....' Sasuke thought, brooding. 'Can I sing? Of course I can! I'm after all prince charming, as every girl calls me. This will be a piece of cake! I will be the new Paparotti!!'
'We don't need Naruto appreciating us! We need him under us, moaning, groaning, crying out in pure lust!! That is our main goal!! And just to add, when you try to sing you sound like a dying frog who has downed too many beers.' Inner Sasuke yelled.
'Keep it in your pants a bit longer! I'm working on it! And I do not sound like a dying frog! Take that back!' - Outer Sasuke
'You're too slow fool!!! Gaara has already proposed and Naruto said yes in his unique way! What can we do now?! And you do sound like a frog on crack!'
'I will think of something! Now shut up! I need to concentrate and don't need you whining and annoying me!!' - Outer Sasuke.
'Oh, can't the great Uchiha-sama think with his Inner personality raving around??
Muwahaha, Sasuke Uchiha you're so pathetic and..., wait, I think I've just insulted myself... I will shut up for now, but I offer one last advice. Don't attempt to sing!!! He will run away screaming his pretty head off.' - Inner Sasuke remarked and fell silent.
'Pffft, well than I won't sing!'
Inner Sasuke whooped. 'I did it!' He thought, proud of his argument talent.
'I will write him poetry and say it out loud! No one can resist my wonderful written works! ' Gloated Outer Sasuke
Inner Sasuke face-faulted. That had to hurt.
"Soo..." Sasuke muttered under his breath. "Here I go!" He crackled his knuckles and picked up a pen. And began to write. Or at least tried to.
'My loveliest Naruto....
Your blue/sometimes red eyes are like the color of Sakura's underwear..., nah, doesn't sound good..., okay, we use his hair....
My most beautiful Naruto...
Your hair is the color of egg yolk on a fried egg... , I'm hungry...., hungry for you! Nah, sounds too straight forward...., we use his...., uh character...
My most cutest Naruto...
Your personality is so much like a much-on-his-head-fallen-monkey...
ARGH! It's so difficult!' - Outer Sasuke.
'You....', Inner Sasuke paused, 'Suck.'
'Heh, it goes just like this---!' Smirked Inner Sasuke and clapped his hands together. 'Watch and learn from the master!'
'My angel Naruto...'
Outer Sasuke had a nosebleed after reading the full poem.
/A few minutes later.../
Naruto was lounging around, bored and no love-sick ninja near him, when Sasuke ran up to him. "Sasuke?" Questioned the vessel of the Kyuubi, confused.
His teammate cleared his throat and opened a small scroll, his face sweating. "Please listen to me Naruto..." 'I can do it! I can do it! I'm Sasuke Uchiha!' "Okay..." The blonde answered, scratching his head.
"My angel Naruto
You look so fuckable
My length in your mouth
Oh hail the glory of morning sex!"
(A/N: Oh my god! I'm blushing. faints)
Immediately Naruto blushed scarlet, punched Sasuke' face with all his might and stomped away, huffing. Seemed like that even Naruto's 'morality' had it's limits...
'Owwww!' Groaned Outer Sasuke in pain.
'Look at the bright side, at least he hadn't used the Rasengan, full power!' Inner Sasuke soothed, sweatdropping.
'He thinks I'm a perverted pervert now!' - Outer Sasuke
'You are a perverted pervert' - Inner Sasuke reminded him.
'Oh..., hey, you're right!'
Inner Sasuke shook his head and bemoaned the stupidity of his outer half.
'Get up and look for Naruto, you moron! We can't waste any time!'
Meanwhile Naruto was sitting in front of the Hokage monuments, playing with his Ninja-headband. The wind played with his golden spiky locks as he looked over the village, blue eyes cloudy..., a frown on his face...
He sat still for a second longer, before his face nearly split up with a ear-reaching grin
'Buwahahahaha!! I just can't act like the typical teenager=Angst!! Why waste my time with angsting? I have to snog all cute boys around here!'
My, full of determination that boy, isn't he? At least he has his eyes set on a very good goal!
We are all behind you Naruto!
"Naruto!" A voice cried out behind him and he turned around, not expecting to see his perverted teammate Sasuke Uchiha running up to him.
Naruto narrowed his eyes in suspicion and warily took a few steps back.
"What do you want?"
Sasuke's chest was heaving with every breath he took, his hair messy, a desperate expression on his face. After a few seconds he was breathing normal again. The black-haired boy stared at Naruto, a maniacal gleam in his eyes.
"You still have to kiss me Naruto! You did this to all other boys, but me!! And you want to keep your promise right? RIGHT?"
"Sasuke..., sorry, but I never promised. I, after all, kissed Itachi and he was ten times more of a better kisser than you are. We win some, we lose some. And you're not really my type, you're sooo betrayer-ish. At least Gaara understands me." Naruto shrugged with his shoulders and watched as Sasuke's face got more and more crimson every second.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!' Both Sasukes.
[The author decided to use Naruto's dialogue to have Gaara pop up]
"Well, well, well Uchiha, seems like the better man has won" And Gaara spread his arms open to welcome Naruto in his familiar warmth. The blonde smiled, mouthed a sorry to the distraught Sasuke and both rode away on a white stallion [Which was, in fact, a white painted donkey, but the author is poor and also that is besides the point] off to the sunset [Which was made of cardboard].
But this was the wrong script anyway, so forget everything the dumb author wrote.
Just for your infomation, Gaara did pop up and walked off with Naruto.
Sasuke fell to his knees (again) and was in a huge shock.
A tumbleweed rolled by
...the over-used clichés suck...
'I don't get to kiss Naru-chan!'
After a few minutes, he recovered partly and promptly decided that this was all Itachi's fault.
Hey, it's easier!
'Damn you Itachi!' Sasuke's mind screamed and he took out his WIHTKI (Why I have to kill Itachi) list and scribbled something down.
- Murderer of my parents
- Better looking than me
- More powerful than me
- Got more fangirls than me
- Older brother
- My tormentor and cause of the nightmares from hell (Short-peeing included!)
- One of the receivers of Naruto's kisses
- He's alive!
Well, let's leave Sasuke and stalk Naruto and Gaara..., it's safer anyway.
Now I was sitting on a bench, in an abandoned park with Gaara besides me. We watched how cherry blossoms drifted past us, love was practically in the air. Or sexual tension, if we include how much Gaara was pressed up against me and groping me.
He was pretty straight forward.... Rrrrr, I like that...
"Ne Gaara, are you really sure about marrying?" I asked him and arched my back as Gaara's talented hand ghosted over a nipple.
"Of course. There can you show me everything you want." He replied and his breath tickled my sensitive neck.
I gasped and tried to hold him back. "But Gaara...,we need to get to know each other more...!"
"No problem!" Gaara smirked smugly at me and whipped out a stack of paper, right under my nose, out of nowhere.
"There, my curriculum vitae, mission records, school career, birth certificate, a few prints out of my diary, ready for you to read through them! A shinobi has to be prepared for everything after all!" He stated. "I also have lube and condoms in all flavors!" He added as an
"Wow!" I stated, sweatdropping. Gaara preened himself on it.
"I also have the papers for same-sex marriages!"
I sweatdropped more. Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, he's getting freaky....
"Ne Naruto can we have sex after you read through all of this? Ne?" Gaara asked me eagerly, with the excitement of a small child.
"I guess so...." I replied uncertainly.
Sex-obsessed..., hey cool!
'YES! SCORE! YOU'RE DA MAN!' Shukaku screamed and whooped.
The red-head turned his head around, tears of joy streaming out of his eyes.
'Finally! No longer a virgin!! Take that Kankuro! I will have sex sooner than you! In your ugly face! Muwahahahahaha!!'
'NOOOOOOOOOOO! No buts!' Shukaku, the sex-deprived demon wailed.
"But before that we have to discuss another rule! Trust!!!"
A sign popped up, with the word: Trust on it, underlined heavily.
"Trust is the basic of a relationship! I first have to test your loyalty and truthfulness to me Gaara!" I bellowed, stood up, dragged the redhead to the middle of the park and fell forward towards the sand ninja.
Gaara, of course, sidestepped.
I hit the dirt.
"Naruto? Are you okay?" Gaara's voice, puzzled, shook me out of my pain-influenced state.
"Just peachy..., I think we have to work on trust..."
Not very good I think....