Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men Evolution. If you thought otherwise, well, I'm really sorry to burst your pretty little bubble. "Sk8ter Boi" is sung by Avril Lavigne. I thank God every day that I don't own any of her songs. If I did, I'd have to lock myself in a dark room in shame because her wannabe punk crap is the most awful thing I've ever heard in my life. Joey Ramone is rolling over in his grave. *end rant*
Rating: PG-13 (for hilarity and shenanigans)
Summary: Like Kitty loves Lance, but Jean and Xavier are evil, and for like, no reason at all, she thinks she might be in love with Pietro! (Spoof, humor)
Author's Note: No offense to people that actually write fanfics like this, but I felt like writing a little spoof of nine-tenths of the Evo fanfics I see on fanfiction.net. Don't get all irritated with me, cause hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? And for all you guys you don't write fics like this, but find yourself reading them anyway, you know you were thinking it, too.
Feedback and Archiving: If you want to put this on a PERSONAL WEBSITE, then go ahead. Just let me know where. If you want to post it at fanfction.net or any other similar site under your pen name and not mine, then no. I don't care if you do put my name with yours. No. I will never allow it. Try it, and I will write you a really nasty email and call you mean names. So there. As for feedback, I live on it. It's almost as good as chocolate. Almost. I can be reached through email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Shameless Website Plug: If you thought this was funny, I got more! (If you didn't, I swear this is the worst thing I've ever written, and I have much, much better fics.) Either way, you can read the rest of my work at . And for added incentive, you can also see my pathetic attempt at fanart!
Like, I Think I'm in Love
(A Lancitty Fanfiction)
By: Addie Logan
*** *** ***
He was a
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a punk
She did ballet
What more can I say
He wanted her
She'd never tell
Secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his baggy clothes
He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth
Five years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She turns on TV
Guess who she sees
Skater boy rockin' up MTV
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all got tickets to see his show
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down
He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
Slamming on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside
He's just a boy
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock each other's world
I'm with the skater boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be backstage after the show
I'll be at a studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know
Kitty Pryde lay back on her overly pink bed, in her half fluffy, half Goth room. Because of course, she and Rogue could not possibly agree on anything, especially interior decorating. She sighed, turning up her radio. "This song is like, so totally Lance."
Rogue stopped her constant self-pity long enough to look over at Kitty. "But Lance isn't a skater, Kitty. He's like some trashy rock god wannabe. I mean, if anyone on this show is a skater boy, it's Evan, but I surely doubt he'd amount to anything as a pop star. I mean, he can't even manage to be a popular cartoon character."
Kitty blinked. "Cartoon character? Show? And where's your unreadable Southern accent."
Rogue sighed. "Uh, sorry. Ah'll try hahdah from noah on."
Kitty got off the bed and began to pace, managing not to trip in her chunky heel flip-flops. After all, they were special flip-flops, made of unstable molecules that allowed her to run around and fight the forces of evil and never fall flat on her face. Handy little buggers they were. "But Rogue, it's like so true! And I'm like the horrible girl in the song! Omigod, I'm going to end up some lonely housewife forced to watch Lance on MTv!"
Rogue just flopped back on her bed. "Can ya go have ya existential crisis somewhere else, pleahse? Ah'm too busy pinin' over Scott. Or is it Remy? Is this a Romy?"
Kitty rolled her eyes. "Duh. Didn't you like, read the title? It's a Lancitty! That means it's all about me."
"And Lance. Because Lancitty is a clevah combination of ya names."
"So, like, what does that make a fic about you and Scott? A Rott?"
"I prefer Scogue."
"That sounds like a disease."
Rogue was about to come back with a witty retort when there was a knock at the door. Kitty went to answer it, tossing her ponytail happily.
Kurt bounded into the room, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a dozen red roses. "Oh Kitty, my love," he said, falling to his knees in front of her. "Say you vill run avay vith me!"
"Kurt! Like, what's wrong with you? This is a Lancitty, not a Kurtty! Kurtties are like, so first season! Just like my Valley Girl accent!"
"But chicks dig the fuzzy dude!"
"Kurt, you're like, cutting into my Lance angst! You're supposed to be doing something stupid with Scott or one of the new recruits!"
"Oh. Sorry, Kitty. Call me if this turns into a Kurtty. Guten Tag!" Kurt bamfed away with a puff of stinky smoke.
Kitty turned back to Rogue. "I like, have to get to the Brotherhood house and tell Lance all about my undying devotion. We are like, so meant to be!"
"Whatevah. Ah'm angstin' about Scott and Remy simultaneously. Oooh! Time for a random y'all. And double points if ah spell it ya'll or use it to refer to one person! Cause everyone's a schizophrenic like me!"
Kitty ignored Rogue and ran out into the hallway, but was stopped by Jean and Professor Xavier. They had angry eyebrows, like Trogdor the Burninator.
"We are aware of what you are planning, Miss Pryde, and we have to stop you. Just because," Xavier said.
"We must meddle," Jean added. "We are total jerks and have no lives of our own. No, we must get in your business and make sure you are miserable. It's our one true joy in life."
Professor Xavier clasped his hands together like a Bond villain. "Yes. Although I once took Avalanche in, and have never really actively discouraged your feelings for him, I must go psychotic now and do everything in my power to prevent you from ever speaking to him again."
"No!" Kitty cried. "And, like, how did you know my plans?"
"Because we are telepaths," Xavier said. "And despite the fact that I claim to be against just randomly reading people's minds for my own personal gain—wrote a book on the subject, in fact—I do it all the time. Especially in order to ruin the love life of my students." Xavier laughed maniacally.
Xavier's laugh stopped abruptly, and Kitty suddenly became a very self-assured type person. She stood really, really straight, and magically aged at least a good five years. "Professor Xavier, I understand your concern, but I will not give up on my sudden desire to reconcile with Lance, even though up until this point I have been all wishy-washy, and at times downright mean to him. I have come to the conclusion that he is the man for me and nothing, not even you and Jean, will stand in my way. Now good day to you."
Jean glared more. So did Xavier. "Be wary, Kitty. I could go crazy at any moment and do something quite bad to you. I know it is not mentioned in the spiffy title, which denotes this as merely a Lancitty, but the summary makes it quite clear that it is also an anti-Xavier fic, with a minor role played by Bitch!Jean. Therefore, I am a self-righteous prick who will do anything to stand in your way. See, I am a plot device, used to prolong this fic, because you and Lance don't have enough problems on your own to keep you apart."
"I will not be swayed by any plot device! I'm leaving!"
"Fine. But I'll be waaaaiting."
Kitty ran from the mansion and all the way to the Brotherhood boarding house, since the actual distance between the two has never been mentioned, but is assumed in most fanfiction to be right down the street.
Pietro answered the door. Kitty felt her breath still in her chest. "I never realized how handsome he is!" she thought. "Those little antenna looking things on his head make me weak in the knees!"
"What do you want?" Pietro asked quickly. Because he's quick. So everything he does is done quickly. But that has to be stated. A lot. In case you forget.
"I…I…" Kitty forgot why she was there.
"She's here to talk to me, Fast Guy," Lance said, looking all intimidating-like. "See, this is a Lancitty. So Kitty and I are going to fall madly in love in the face of adversity. Just like Romeo and Juliet."
"They died, Lance," Pietro said. Quickly. Speedily. With great haste.
"Yeah, whatever," Lance said. "Anyway, Pretty Kitty, let's go on a really sappy date to some place I wouldn't be caught dead in."
Kitty clapped her hands together and jumped up and down. "Oooh! How about that magical ice-cream shop where everyone we know shows up to torment us! It's just like the one in Grease!"
"That works for me, Kitty. Let's go so I can rock your world."
"Lance said the line!" Toad yelled as he bounded into the room with shot glasses for all. "Evolution drinking game!"
"You know, Lance, if you didn't say that so much, I wouldn't be drunk quite as often," Tabitha said.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Lance asked. "And besides, you also have to drink every time you wear something gaudy."
"I am a tasteful dresser, Mr. 'Holes in my Clothes Didn't Go Out with Seattle Grunge Rock.' And I'm here because continuity has no place in fanfics, and I'm back with the Brotherhood. So there."
"Oh. Okay. So, Kitty, are you coming?"
Kitty glanced longingly at Pietro. "Yes."
Lance and Kitty then went to the magical ice cream shop. And shared a banana split. Lance even let her have the cherry. Awww.
"So now what?" Lance asked as they finished their ice cream.
"We sit here and wait for all the people against our relationship to show up," Kitty said.
"Oh. I thought that line was people waiting for a waffle cone."
Kurt ran to their table, still holding his bouquet of roses from earlier. "Kitty, please, I love you! I vill be so happy if you vill be mine!"
"Kurt, I like, told you, this isn't a Kurtty!"
"But can't we change it?"
"Um, Kurt, you said a 'w' there."
"Oh, thank you, Lance."
Kurt looked back at Kitty. "But can't ve change it?" He turned to Lance and whispered. "That better?"
"No! Lancitty! Lancitty, Lancitty, Lancitty!"
"Fine. I vill go and find Amanda and someone can make a Kurmanda. Or is it a Amurt?"
Kurt walked off, mumbling to himself.
Wanda appeared next, throwing herself on Lance. "Lance, I want you! See, now that Tabitha's gone, I'm the only woman on the Brotherhood, and therefore, I must be your love interest! Don't you see, Lance!" Random things began to fly around the room. "It's you or Toad, and he's smelly!"
"Um, Wanda, Tabitha reappeared on the Brotherhood by fanfiction magic. Your logic is now flawed," Lance said.
"Oh." Everything stopped flying around. "Sorry to bother you then. I'll go in the corner and look torn."
Colossus was next in line. "My Katya, even though we have barely spoken in this show, I feel a deep love for you due to our sorry excuse for a relationship in the X-Men comicbooks. Love me, please."
"I'm not even beginning to entertain that," Kitty said.
"Because the author won't allow it," Kitty replied. "She thinks you're a big idiot and only brought you into this fanfic so everyone can point at you and laugh at your stupid hair."
The entire cast of X-Men Evolution (and a random monkey) then surrounded Colossus, pointing at his stupid hair and laughing. They then walked away.
"My hair! Lance has a mullet!" Colossus exclaimed.
"Hey, dude, lay off the mullet," Lance said, the ground beginning to shake. "I've had it since the first time I saw Queensryche. The front may conform to society, but the back says I have personality, even if it's really, really bad." (And if you're a fan of the Vandals, you are now laughing. Otherwise, you're probably just confused.)
"Look," Kitty said. "A mullet is forgivable, but your weirdo buzz cut thing is just not working for me. Leave. This is not a Kitor. Do not make me state again that this is a Lancitty."
"Fine," Colossus said, his head hanging in shame. "I will return to my farm in Russia where no one will laugh at me and my hair."
Lance rubbed his hands together. "So who's up next?"
Scott approached the table with his Serious Leader Face™. "I disapprove of this relationship on the grounds that I now declare Lance my rival. So there."
"Are you sure you aren't jealous?" Kitty asked. "I mean, like, there are a million fanfics where your resentment towards Lance is just a cover for your attraction to him. Is this one of those?"
"Oh, so this is one of the ones where you hate Lance because you see in him your darker side and fear that by confronting Lance you will be forced to deal with the fact that maybe you aren't all perfect battle plans and J. Crew, hmmm?"
"It's true!" Scott cried. "My life is a lie." He then ran from the restaurant to commit Japanese ritual suicide. Or maybe just to console himself with a big bowl of Rocky Road. I'm really not sure which.
Jean sauntered up to the table. "I'm here to make my own protest."
Kitty rolled her eyes. "This is getting like totally old. It's turning into one of those SNL skits that was funny five minutes ago, but is now just a chance to go get something from the kitchen."
"I'm the last one," Jean said. "Xavier is waiting back at the mansion to scold you when you get home."
"Anyway, back to my meddling." Jean flipped her fabulous hair. "See, I am perfect, and can see Lance is going to ruin your life. So instead of being a supportive friend, I am going to bitch a lot and make your life hell."
"Um, that's not very helpful…"
"Of course it isn't." Jean then threw a drink on Kitty.
"Like, what was that for?"
"Absolutely nothing! I'm Bitch!Jean! I had a total fanfic personality makeover where I'm all psychotic!" Jean laughed evilly.
Kitty stood up to her full height, which was still abnormally short and way out of proportion with half the other characters on the show. "I won't let you stand in our way, Jean! I love Lance and he loves me, and I will never, ever leave him, and we will be together forever, because this is a Lancitty, and we are meant to be!"
Jean suddenly softened, and leaned over to hug Kitty. "Oh Kitty, your beautiful speech has shown me the error of my ways. Please forgive me!"
Kitty hugged Jean back, tears in her eyes. "Of course I will! You can even, like, be a bridesmaid at our wedding!"
"Wedding, what wedding?"
"Shut up, Lance," Kitty snapped. "You don't have any say in this."
Jean ran off, and Kitty and Lance left, too. Lance held her hand and felt all tingly and happy. Awww again.
"So what made you decide to fall in love with me finally?" Lance asked as they walked home despite the fact Lance has a car.
"I was moved by the wonderful poetry of Avril Lavigne," Kitty said. "See, I heard 'Sk8ter Boi' on the radio, and even though Rogue said that the song wasn't you, I thought it like totally was."
"Of course it is! There's even that line about rocking worlds, and I rock everyone's world!"
Kitty and Lance took a shot before resuming their conversation. "Exactly!" Kitty said. "And I love you because sappy music that's popular in junior highs across the nation always has profound effects on people in fanfiction!"
"Oh Kitty, I'm so happy we're together now, even though I have no clue how this will work since it never has before…" Lance said.
"It will! Our love is strong enough! Our love is forever!"
Lance kissed Kitty.
[Fade to black…]
A short time later….
"I have been waiting for you, Miss Pryde." Xavier looked at her with the Disappointed Face™.
"You can't convince me not to love Lance! I'll love him forever!"
Xavier frowned. "But you seem to have forgotten the other plot device added to prolong your anguish! You are torn between Lance and Pietro, despite you total lack of romantic feelings for Quicksilver in any episode of this show!"
Kitty threw her arm over her forehead dramatically. "Oh! Pietro! How could I have forgotten you and your sexy antenna hair!" Kitty ran to her room to cry.
Xavier rolled away whistling. Evilly.
Kitty ran through the door of her bedroom. "Rogue! I need us to suddenly be best friends so I can cry on your shoulder!"
Rogue sighed, putting down the magazine she was reading. "What's wrong, sugah?"
Kitty and Rogue took a quick drink, since Rogue saying "sugah" also warrants such an action. "I'm in love with Lance and Pietro!"
"But this is a Lancitty!"
"I know! I'm confused!"
"What am ah supposed ta do about it?"
"Listen to my angsty diatribe! See, I'm torn because…" Kitty was cut off by a loud noise from the closet. "What was that?"
"That was nothin'."
Kitty gave Rogue a wary look and walked over to the closet. She opened the door and a half-dressed Pietro stumbled out.
"Um, hi," he said quickly. Cause that's how he talks. Quickly. Like Speedy Gonzales.
"Like, what are you doing here?" Kitty demanded.
"See, um, turns out this isn't a Romy or a, um…"
"Thanks, Rogue. This is a Rietro," Pietro said. (Quickly!)
"No it isn't!" Kitty exclaimed. "It's a Lancitty! It's all about me!"
"It's a Lancitty with Rietro undercurrents."
"That's not in the title."
"It was shortened for tahme constraints," Rogue tried explained.
"Tahme?" Kitty asked.
"But now how are Lance and I supposed to have angst?" Kitty asked.
Lance walked into the room. "We have the angst from me not being good enough for you, Kitty. I have to break up with you because of a newfound sense of honor so you can have someone worthy of your greatness."
"Oh, Lance, please don't leave me!" Kitty said, taking her hands in his. "You are like, such a great guy! This is fanfiction, so you are like, the most wonderful potential boyfriend ever!"
"That's right! How could I have been so foolish as to forget? Kitty, my darling, I will never stray from you again."
"Oh Lance!" Kitty exclaimed, wrapping her arms around him. "This is like, the best ending to a fic ever! Everyone R&R. Plz!"
"Wait!" Remy bounded in through the window, looking rather snazzy. "Dere can't be a fic wit'out Remy! I'm too hot."
Many little fangirls then ran into the room, smothering Remy with a thousand kisses and squeals.
Rogue blinked. "So is the fic over now?"
"Um, I think so," Kitty said. "Lance and I are happy, after all."
"So if it's over," Pietro said rapidly, "Can I have my pants back?"
*** *** ***
If anyone took offense to that because it closely resembled their own writing, then I'm sorry. Also, I want to say that I'm not really supporting or making fun of any one pairing in particular, I'm just sort of poking fun of all of them. So if you're a rabid Kurtty or Kietro fan, no nasty emails. It was all done in the spirit of fun. ^-^