Ryu: Yes, and now we present a story entirely made my myself, without any interference from Rio!
Rio: I fear for the world right now. *hides*
Ryu: And credit where it is due, the idea from this story came from the wonderfully funny and creative stories of Chuquita, so if you see similarities know that we have permission. Hopefully we will not copy to much as the stories are form different shows (hers are for DBZ). But 'twas she who came up with the main idea for the relationship which you will see occurring between Bakura and Marik.
Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-gi-oh do you think I would be writing fanfiction for it? Let's think here... no.
Pairings: Mention of yaoi, slash, homosexuality in non-graphic proportions. Ryou/Malik, 'tis the reason that Malik is living with Ryou. Will all make sense in the story I promise, but there really isn't any heavy romance as this is humor not romance...
Also, note I am calling Ishizu(Isis) and Duke(Otogi Ryuuji) by their Japanese names as I like those better.
Oh, side note: Marik is the Yami, Malik is the Hikari, Ryou is the Hikari, Bakura is the Yami... one of the pointless things that must be said.
Oh... very important note (gee, there are a lot of these huh,) Yami gave Malik/Marik the Mel. Rod back... for reasons that will stay hidden for now...
Summery: Yami's sending Marik to the Shadow Realm might not have been the best idea. Now, a few years after Battle City, Ryou and Malik are in collage and living together (along with a certain tomb robber who is bored out of his skull almost 24 hours a day). It is the start of their collage years and Malik receives some news from his sister that might be welcome but most likely is not. Add in a confused Pharaoh, strange passions for random food products, and Tea just trying to pass her psychology exam (without Bakura sending her to the Shadow realm) to the mix, and strange things occur. (I feel sorry for the neighbors...)
Return to Insanity
Chapter One: Darkness Approaches
Sitting on a quiet street in a quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of Domino, lies a house. It had the same white painted fence as every other house on the street, the same quaint shutters, the same little mailbox on the curb. It had four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room, a kitchen, and a dining room; all which were kept moderately clean. And like most families in the neighborhood, this house was inhabited by three people. But this is where the similarities ended between this house and its surrounding fellow houses. Because this was the Bakura house, home to Ryou Bakura. It also housed his Yami, Bakura, and his lover, Malik Ishtar.
Ryou was a freshman enrolled at Domino Collage, who often wondered if he would enjoy life if his life was what the majority of the population thought of normal as his life was as far from that "normal" as one could get. When introducing someone to his "family", he could never say, "This is the darker half of my soul, my yami, Bakura. He's a tomb robber who lived in ancient Egypt and now inhabits the Melenium Ring that hangs around my neck. " Or how about, "This is Malik Ishtar, my significant other. He also has a yami with whom he plotted world domination. But don't worry, he's changed over the years and his yami is in Egypt with his sister Isis." Nope, Ryou could never do that, but since his visitors were mostly his friends whom were as used to the idea as he was, it was okay.
Ryou also sometimes wondered if he would enjoy life without all the chaos that came with his housemates. Bakura couldn't cook (if he did the oven tended to explode so he stopped trying) and if Malik cooked the food came out all black. Both Malik and Bakura were slightly (well Bakura was more than slightly) sadistic and could easily pass as crazy to anyone at a psychology ward. Just that morning they had gotten into a fight because Bakura had used up all the purple ketchup. Bakura said he couldn't find the red so he had used the purple, and there was nothing wrong with that, while Malik had argued that the purple ketchup was his ketchup so if Bakura couldn't find the red Ketchup which was Bakura's supply then Bakura should not have eaten any ketchup at all. They had turned over two couches and nearly broken a bookshelf in the "calm debate between equals" before Yugi had shown up with a bottle of purple Ketchup. (Ryou had called his friend pleading him to go and get some ketchup for Malik while he tried to keep the house in one piece and the mini-pharaoh had come through yet again.)
But as Ryou tried to concentrate on the fifty page paper on the development of the western civilizations while Malik and Bakura argued over whether they should watch Jerry Springer (Bakura's choice) or Yu-Yu-Hakusho (Malik's choice), he figured that if his life was "normal" his life would be downright boring.
"Malik don't you have that paper for Economy due in... three days?" Ryou asked tiredly.
"Aww, come on Ryou. I can write the last page tomorrow." Malik complained as Bakura triumphantly switched the channel back to his beloved Jerry Springer.
"You've been on the last page for over a week." Ryou pointed out. "Just finish it now while Bakura's watching his half hour of Jerry Springer-"
"Twenty-five minutes now." Bakura cut in sourly.
"Twenty-five minutes of Jerry Springer, and then you can watch your Yu-Yu- Hakusho marathon. It's not like you haven't seen those episodes before."
"But I haven't memorized all the words in the Seven Ways to Die episode yet!" Malik realized that both Bakuras were looking at him with strange looks and shrugged in defeat. "Fine, but I can't think of anything left to say about the economics of the Soviet Union."
"Just use the Rod and make the teacher thing she read it." Bakura suggested, his eyes riveted to the TV screen. "Aww, come on, don't forgive her! She cheated on you with your bother! You don't even know if that kid's yours!"
Ryou sighed as Malik muttered about pushy other halves that just needed the Rod even though they were most defiantly not ever going to try to take over the world again. "I'll help you with the conclusion Malik. Come on let's leave Bakura to his beloved Jerry."
As if on cue Bakura started chanting along with the rest of the crowd in the audience, "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" He didn't even notice the disappearance of the other two, nor would he have cared if he did. He did not hear the door bell ring a few minutes later, nor did he hear Ryou answer it. He somewhat heard his hikari say to whoever was the visitor, "He's watching Jerry Springer," but at that moment the commercials ended so all other senses lost their purpose to him. No, the thing that mattered to Bakura was when the TV was suddenly shut off.
Bakura looked around wildly for the remote before someone said, "Are you looking for this?"
Bakura wheeled around, hardly noticing who the remote was being held by, and grabbed the offending object that always managed to be lost at the one moment when you needed it most. With a delighted shriek of glee the TV sprang back to life and his beloved Jerry Springer show existed once again. "JERRY!"
The other person in the room groaned and moved to shut off the TV.
"HEY, get out of the way! I CAN'T SEE JERRY!"
"Bakura I need to talk to you right now."
"Can't it wait till the show is over?" Bakura tried to see around the offending person.
"Tomb robber, are you even really comprehending a thing I'm saying?"
"Yami you are blocking the TV." a pause, "PHARAOH GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
"Tomb robber, it is just a show. I need to talk to you now."
Bakura snarled as got off the couch and pushed the offending person out of the way... to see the ending credits begin to roll.
"RA CURSE YOU PHARAOH!" Yami wasn't phased by this threat as he often heard it out of Bakura's mouth.
"Are you going to listen now Tomb Robber?"
Bakura rolled his eyes and moved off toward the kitchen. "Why are you even in my house, Pharaoh? Don't you have subjects to rule or something?"
"No. I came to talk to you."
"Not interested." Bakura opened the refrigerator and frowned before closing it once again and moving to the other side of the kitchen.
"Bakura. I just want to talk."
"Fine then. If it will get you to LEAVE, talk." Bakura opened a cupboard and Yami could see a safe was stored in it with an immense number of locks holding it shut.
"Bakura, I'm tired of this rivalry between us, and Yugi and Ryou agree with me. It's rather pointless now after all." There was no comment from the Tomb Robber who was still fiddling with the locks. "I want to call a truce."
The Tomb Robber smirked. "Thinking, thinking, NO!" He opened the last lock and opened the safe to reveal about twenty bottles of red Ketchup.
"Bakura, what reason do we have to fight now?"
"Hmmmm, the puzzle is still hanging around your neck?"
"Actually, it's hanging around Yugi's neck."
"There you go."
"Shut up! I don't care what Yugi threatened you with to stop this rivalry, just leave me to my ketchup!"
Yami raised an eyebrow as Bakura sat down at the kitchen table with two bottles of red Ketchup. "How did you know it was Yugi's idea?"
"Heard him and Ryou talking on the phone."
Yami sighed before sitting down at the table across from Bakura. He watched Bakura who was contentedly inhaling the ketchup for a few minutes before the Tomb Robber began to become annoyed.
"Why are you still here Pharaoh. I told you the answer is no."
"Yugi won't let me back inside the house until Ryou calls him and tells him that we have 'mended the bridges between us'. So I am stuck here until we do so."
"Studying for exam, pulse Yugi already told him and he won't let me in."
"Yugi told him."
"Yugi told her, thought it was a brilliant idea.
"Lives with Yugi... how could you not remember that?"
Bakura shrugged, thinking hard. "Mokuba-"
Yami looked pointedly at the Tomb Robber.
"What? If there's anyone you should be 'mending bridges' with it's him!"
Pharaoh sighed. "Yugi told him. Last I heard he thought it was a
grand idea and wanted Malik to tape it so he could watch it later and
laugh at me."
Bakura finished one bottle of Ketchup and glared at the offending person sitting across from him. "Look. If I become... allies... with you, I will have no one to annoy. Therefore you can call Yugi and tell him that I am kicking you out."
"Bakura, you can always annoy Malik, you live with him for Ra's sake. To annoy me you have to walk half way across the city to the Domino Collage dorms!"
Bakura snorted and muttered about idiots who actually wanted to go to Collage just to be nearer to their hikari before explaining pointedly. "Malik is way to easy to annoy. I could annoy him in my sleep if I had to."
"Actually you do." Malik added, walking into the room and grabbing a bottle of purple ketchup from its rightful place in the refrigerator door. "You snore and the wall between our two rooms doesn't help much."
Bakura snorted. "There you go." a pause, "Oh, shut up Malik. Go write your stupid paper already!"
The Egyptian flashed the annoyed spirit a smile and left the room, ketchup in hand.
Yami sighed. "Get used to my presence then Bakura, because I can't stay anywhere but here until you change your mind."
Bakura raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to be... friends (he said the word as if it was distasteful) with me?"
"No. But I don't want to be sleeping outside for the rest of my life more. Remember I called for a cease-fire, not a friendship."
Bakura snorted again, turning his attention back to his ketchup snack. Yami didn't move from his seat and silence reigned in the room only to be broken by a familiar set of electronic tones.
Bakura looked over at the innocent looking cell phone on the counter which was now chirping the Eighteen-Twelve Overture to the room. "RYOU YOUR PHONE IS CHIRPING AGAIN!"
"WELL COULD YOU ANSWER IT BAKURA?" came the reply, an innocent enough request, Yami thought.
"NOPE." Bakura yelled back contentedly sitting in his chair. "IT'S YOUR CELL PHONE, NOT MINE!"
Yami groaned, "Oh for the love of Ra." He got up and moved to the counter. "Hello?" He turned as Ryou came barreling into the room out of breath.
"It's for you." he said simply, handing the boy the phone.
Bakura snorted. "No really Pharaoh, who did you think it was for?"
Ryou rolled his eyes before turning his attention to the cell phone. "Oh, hi Isis. No, Malik is not in the room right now-"
The white haired hikari left the room heading back upstairs with the phone. A few moments later the two yamis heard a shriek.
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"
Malik came ragging down the stairs and Bakura moved to the doorway to watch the scene as Malik now had the cell phone.
"NO! I absolutely REFUSE to have him here... WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'he's my responsibility?... WHAT?"
"So what's got him all upset?" Bakura asked Ryou who had followed the other boy down in a much calmer fation.
"Isis is sending Malik's yami to live with us. Apparently he is due to arrive in ten minutes or so."
Bakura let out a bark of laughter as Malik screamed Arabic curses into the phone and shut it off.
"I wouldn't laugh if I were you Bakura. Not even you would want him here."
"What's so bad about Marik being here?" Yami asked. "It's not as if he can do anything."
"That's not the point. The point is that when you sent him into the Shadow Realm after Battle City, he changed."
"People like that don't change, Malik." Ryou said soothingly shooting Bakura a pointed look.
The yami smirked. "Yeah. And besides I'll finally have someone who understands that the world is a horrible place around."
"No you wont." Malik shot back. "Marik learned that instead of destroying the world it was better to embrace it."
The bottle of Ketchup fell from Bakura's hand and as if on cue, the doorbell rang.
When it became apparent that no one was going to answer the door, Ryou sighed and looked pointedly at Bakura.
"What?" the yami asked picking up his ketchup from the floor.
Ryou motioned to the door in a "go get it" fation and the yami groaned, muttering, "We need more ketchup." as he went to the door.
Opening the door Bakura yelled and jumped back. The person outside walked in, rolling a rather large suitcase behind him. Turning to look at everyone in the room he took off his sunglasses and everyone could see the purple eyes which sparkled with insanity.
Malik got a good look at his yami and Ryou had just enough time to catch him as he feinted.
Yami also looked a bit stunned. Yes this was Marik... but it also was not Marik... unless Marik had found a way to go live in the seventies.
The gravity-defying hair had remained the same, but the yami supported the look of a hippie, from the blue jeans to the tie-dye shirt, to the tacky chain with the peace symbol hanging from it. Marik also got a good look at everyone in the house, his eyes coming to rest on the Pharaoh.
"Who let the porcupine in?" he asked casually setting down the suitcase.
"The 'porcupine' was just leaving... hippie."
Marik smiled insanely. "Peace out dude."
This comment just made the Pharaoh walk faster and in a few moments the only ones left in the house were the Bakuras and the Ishtars.
"If you'll excuse us a moment, Marik. I'm going to put Malik upstairs. Bakura can show you to the spare bedroom." Ryou sent Bakura a look which said "or you had better" which had no effect on the yami whatsoever. Bakura leaned against the wall, contentedly sucking all the ketchup out of the bottle as Ryou disappeared up the stairs with Malik's unconscious form. The minute they were out of sight Marik's grin became sadistic and he began pulling at the shirt, effectively ripping it off his body to reveal the type of shirt Bakura was used to seeing him wear, purple and revealing.
"Ra, that was so annoying."
"Problems in paradise Marik? Or did you finally move into the eighties."
Marik let out a snort of laughter. "That" he said pointing to the now ruined shirt and other hippie accessories, "was Isis's latest 'help Marik embrace life' plan. Needless to say it didn't work."
Bakura snorted. "I wonder why." he muttered sarcastically.
"I know. It's such a stupid idea. I already have embraced life, why change my views again?"
Bakura choked on the ketchup he was eating, managing to swallow eventually. "What?"
"Do you have hearing problems 'Kura? You should get your ears checked."
"Marik." Bakura said carefully. "How exactly have you... embraced life?"
"Well I haven't been able to do so yet because Isis didn't believe me when I told her I had a revelation. But there are so many things I can do now that she's gone 'Kura. Sky-diving, Bungie jumping, I could learn to Tango, I-"
Marik stopped as he heard a thump behind him. When he saw Bakura's prone form he shrieked. "Bakura! Speak to me ! Wake up!" he had run over to Bakura and was shaking the yami's form. "DON'T DIE ON ME BAKURA!"
Malik and Ryou came down the stairs to see this picture in the living room and Malik groaned, matching Bakura's groan as he came out of the state of unconsciousness.
"Where's Yami?" he asked gruffly.
Marik drew back as if insulted.
"Ryou, WHERE IS THAT RA-DAMMED PHARAOH? I'LL KILL HIM! IT'S HIS FAULT MARIK'S LIKE THIS!"
"Bakura! I knew you cared!"
Bakura stopped in his tirade as he felt something attach to his arm. Looking down he saw Marik's purple eyes starring into his own, with something added to the insanity inside them.
"I knew you cared, 'Kura! Even when you and Hikari-pretty tried to destroy me, I knew that deep down inside you cared. 'Kura is mellen to darkness!"
Bakura looked at Ryou with an incredulous look on his face. He mouthed, "What is going on?" and his Hikari looked back at the two of them disbelieveingly.
Malik groaned. "I will never forgive Yami for this."