The Adventures of Solid Snake

Episode One: Lt. Solid Snake Goes To The Market

One fateful June afternoon, Lt. Solid Snake (ret.) was enjoying a quiet game of Electronic Yahtzee in the safety of his Alaskan cabin. Suddenly...BEEP! BEEP! Just as Snake had gotten his third Yahtzee (giving him an excellent score of 589), his Codec scared the living hell out of him and he dropped his game. The batteries popped out and his progress had been destroyed!

"Goddamnit!" the man cried at the top of his lungs.

The annoying Codec continued to beep, so there was only ONE thing to do! Snake turned to the device and activated it. On the tiny screen appeared the face of Colonel Roy Campbell, a senile old man who should have been shot fatally in Metal Gear Solid (possibly one of the coolest games for Playstation).

"Colonel?" questioned a cautious Solid Snake.

"It's me, Snake," Campbell grunted.

"You made me lose my high score!" Snake snapped.

"Tough titty, Snake," the Colonel replied. "I've got a mission for you."

"A mission, you say?"

"Yes," Campbell said. "I need you to get your sorry ass over to the Market to pick me up a six-pack of Bud and a porno magazine...preferrably Large Asses."

"Large Asses?" Snake mumbled.

"It's a great magazine," said Campbell, "but the damn subscription is too pricey. Drop the 'merchandise' off at"

"You mean the dumpster behind Wendy's?" Snake said.


Later that night...

Slowly, and stealthily, Snake slid along the outside wall of the Market, his SOCOM pistol held tightly in his shaking hand.

"You can do this," he said to himself. Then he inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly. "I'm ready."

Snake rounded the corner and came face to face with an armed Genome soldier.

"Huh? What was THAT noise?" questioned the soldier, who had the I.Q. of week-old cheese.

"Shit!" Snake cried. He leaped back behind the wall and began to shake uncontrollably.

Suddenly, the Genome soldier came around the corner, jumped in surprise. Before he could fire his M-16, Snake gave him two silenced rounds in the chest. He stood over the fallen soldier and snatched up his assault rifle.

Snake rushed to the sliding glass doors of the Market and blasted them to hell. He laughed while doing so and rushed inside after the deed had been done.

As he stepped inside, Snake noticed the pimply teenager tending to the cash register. The greasy teen did not seem to notice him, however, so he just went to the frozen foods section and snagged a six-pack of Bud. He then went to the rack of porn and looked for the newest issue of "Large Asses".

Snake spied the magazine (which featured Leonard Nemoy's hairy buttocks) and nearly barfed. As he took the magazine to the register, he tried not to look at it.

The pimply teenager rang up the prices and turned to Snake.

"That'll be $28.79," the teen said.

"WHAT!?" Snake demanded.

"That'll be--"

Snake pulled up his M-16 and fired a couple dozen rounds into the pimply teenage cashier's chest. The youngster fell against the wall, leaving a bloody smear.

"Damn straight!" Snake exclaimed, and then grabbed an armful of beer and (ugh) Leonard Nimoy's ass.

"Going somewhere?" a gay British voice asked.

Snake whirled around and saw his twin brother, Liquid Snake, laying in the frozen foods, pleasuring himself with a stick of jerky. He asked no questions, and he wasted no time. Liquid was quickly pelted by a barrage of hot lead. Blood splashed everything, including the Rocky Road ice cream.

Colonel Campbell's...Office...

"Here's your magazine," Snake said, handing the porn to the Colonel.

"Oh yes!" Campbell exclaimed as he stared at the naked photos of Meryl.

"Dear God!" Snake exclaimed. "She's your daughter!"