Poker Night

By Parareru

Disclaimer: I do not now and never have and most likely never will own Kim Possible or the characters depicted here.  Le sigh.

"Ok. The name of the game is five card draw, nothing wild," Shego said as she dealt everyone their cards.  "Ante up."

"Shouldn't you be with the other sidekicks?" Drakken asked curiously.

"EX-CUSE me?!" Shego paused in dealing and glared at her employer.

"Just a suggestion," Drakken said as he wilted under the force of her glare.

"One card," Duff said as he tossed his card on the table

"So I almost got Kim Possible this week," Monkey Fist said conversationally.  "Two cards, please."

"So vhat happened?" Dementor asked.  "One card."

"That blasted hairless rodent managed to free Kim Possible and her sidekick, before my monkey ninjas could finish them off," Monkey Fist growled.

"Three cards, Shego."  Shego passed Drakken his cards.  "Oohhh, I've got the entire family and this pointy hat thingie here and they all match,"

The other four players looked at Drakken in disgust and tossed their cards down.

Drakken looked in confusion at the other players.  "What?"

"Can ye nae keep a poker face, man?" Duff questioned.

"Did I just win?" Drakken asked as he pointed at the pot.

"Yes," they all sighed in unison.

"Oh, jolly day!" Drakken crowed as he raked in his meager winnings.

Shego dealt out a new hand.

"I got ta say, I came really close to getting Kim Possible," Duff boasted as he picked up his hand.

"Really."  Monkey Fist leaned forward.  "Tell all," he commanded as he glanced at his hand.

"So there she was, getting closer ta me by the second.  So I pulled out my five iron and hit one of me golf balls at her." Duff said smugly.

Dementor and Drakken both looked at their cards and waited expectantly.  Drakken drummed his fingers on the table, waiting for Duff to finish his story.

"AND?!" Shego finally burst out.

"Well, it was a BIG golf ball." Duff supplied helpfully.  Everyone around the table groaned in frustration.  "What?"

"Someone tell me who invited the mad golfer?" Monkey Fist asked as he rubbed his eyebrows. 

"Okay, somebody else go," Shego suggested as she dealt another hand.

All eyes turned towards Prof. Dementor.

"Vhat?" Dementor asked suspiciously as he peered over his cards.

"We're all waiting for your story of how you almost got Kim Possible," Drakken supplied.

"I haven't gotten Kim Possible yet," Dementor admitted.  "And she stole my Transportulator, but you're the one who stole my PAN DIMENSIONAL VORTEX INDUCER!" Dementor hollered as he pointed an accusing finger at Drakken.

"Ok.  Let's try that using our indoor voice next time," Shego chided as she rubbed at her ear.

"Oh, that Transportulator thing was how I almost got Kim Possible," Drakken gloated.

"Vhat?!" Dementor asked dangerously as he focused on Drakken. 

Shego tried to signal Drakken to shut up, but he missed the warning and pressed on with his story.  "I tricked Kimmie into stealing the Transportulator and when she found out I had her locked in a titanium reinforced box, tossed into a bottomless ..."

"Ahem," Shego coughed. 

"All right, really deep chasm," Drakken corrected as he gave Shego an irritated glare.  "Filled the chasm with water, released a man-eating shark and a giant squid..."

"Are ye daft, man?  Sharks eat squid, everyone knows that," Duff criticized interrupting Drakken's story.

"I do now," Drakken grumbled.  "That giant squid was really expensive.  Do you mind?" he asked acidly.

"Not at all," Duff replied pleasantly.  "Please continue."

"Where was I?" Drakken muttered.  "Oh, yes.  Released a man-eating shark and giant squid into the water and then I sealed the top of the chasm with a six foot layer of ice."

"So how'd Kim Possible escape from that?" Monkey Fist asked.

"I don't know," Drakken whined.  "My plan was perfect.  The best part of it was that I stole the Transportulator from Professor De... men... tor...  Oh snap."

Shego slapped her forehead in frustration.  "Did ya have to gloat about it in front of him?"

"I forgot he was here?" Drakken said apologetically.  "Why didn't you stop me?!"

"I tried!" Shego retorted.

"YOU STOLE MY TRANSPORTULATOR?!" Dementor demanded as he rose to his full, albeit short, height.

"And how bout you, Shego?" Duff asked, oblivious to Dementor's display of temper.  The short scientist slowly began to simmer down.  "When was the last time you almost got wee little Kimmie?"

Shego rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.  "I work for this guy, remember?"  Shego jerked a thumb in Drakken's direction.  "Long as I'm working for him, I get all the bruises when his lame plan falls apart."

"If you'd just let me have a strand of hair and make an army of Shego clones," Drakken grumbled.  "And haven't we talked about hurting with our words?"

"AGAIN with the cloning?!  There is no way I am going to let a pervert like you have MY DNA!" Shego yelled as she threw her hands up in exasperation.  "Who knows what you'd do with them!"

Monkey Fist, Dementor and Duff looked at Shego in surprise.  "Pervert?" Monkey Fist finally asked, casting a glance at a blushing Drakken.  "We all thought you were giving it to 'blue boy' here on the side."

Shego rolled her eyes again.  "Puh-lease.  The last action Dr. D got was from Bebe 1.0."  The table broke down into snickers and Drakken glared at Monkey Fist who was laughing the hardest.

"What are you laughing at, Monty?  When was the last time you got any?" he snipped.

"Actually, I had a very pleasant rendezvous with Amy just last weekend," Monkey Fist grinned impudently.

Drakken's face fell.  "My... my Amy?  It was some sort of mini golf kinda thing, right?" he asked desperately.

Monkey Fist smirked.  "Actually it was more of the wild monkey lovin' kinda thing."

Drakken's face fell even further and his head came to rest on the poker table.  "My love has betrayed me," he sobbed.

"I did not need to hear that," Shego whimpered as she buried her face in her hands.  "Someone please stab my eyes out."

Dementor and Duff looked at each other in confusion and shrugged.

"Is she nae a looker?" Duff asked.

Shego pulled Drakken's wallet out of his pocket, flipped to a picture and passed it over to the mad golfer.  "See for yourself."

Dementor peered curiously over Duff's shoulder and looked from Monty to the picture and back again.  Several times.  As a mental image formed in his head Dementor started to look a little green.

"Maybe she has inner beauty?" Duff speculated as he held the photo at various angles.

"She's so 'sweet' that she could give Godzilla diabetes," Shego deadpanned with a groan.

Drakken suddenly sat up.  "I won't stand for it!" he bellowed.  "Amy is MINE!"  Drakken dove for Monkey Fist and began to throttle the smug monkey master.

"YOU STOLE MY TRANSPORTULATOR!" Dementor roared as he leapt into the fray.

The three villains rolled around on the floor, punching, kicking and screaming various imprecations at each other.  Shego looked over at the other table where the cash was and smiled broadly.  She looked over at Duff who was watching the fight in fascination and coolly walked over to the table and stuffed the cash into her jumpsuit. 

"This is why we can never go anywhere nice," Shego sighed as she turned back to the brawl.

"Should ye nae be helpin' your boss?" Duff asked.

Shego pursed her lips in thought.  "Nah," she finally decided.  "This is between him and Monty."

Duff nodded and looked around the ruins of the Poker night.  "Well, do ye happen to know if we have any more of those wee Vienna sausages left?" he asked hopefully.

For some reason Shego found that to be enormously funny and began to laugh long and hard.  For something that had ended up so screwed up, this was the most fun she had in a long time.


A/N: Hi folks.  Sorry in advance for any nightmares you might have from the wild monkey lovin' image.  If the fic seems familiar at all, it's because I borrowed the premise from Batman: The Animated Series.  Namely the episode where some of the villains are sitting around the poker table talking about the time they almost got Batman.  I especially loved Killer Croc's story.  Note the similarity to Duff's story. ^_^

This idea was kicking around my skull all last night so I sat down this morning and cranked it out in a coupla hours.  Sorry if I made any mistakes plot wise I don't know golf at all or that I didn't go into too much depth on the poker game.

I suppose now I should make mention of the fact that I don't own Batman either.  Wouldn't mind some them cool gizmos or the Wayne fortune though.

I was originally going to have Ron disguised as one of the villains to get info on where they had Kim trapped, but decided to go for the more humorous angle. 

Oh and my apologies if someone has already done a fic like this.  I've yet to slog my way through all 400+ fics on the site.

Hope you enjoyed it.  I may try and do a Kim, Ron & co poker night in the near future.  Any thoughts about who the other 3 or 4 players should be?  Let me sleep on it though.

Expect the final chapter of Foundations Laid to be out in a couple of days.