The Legend of Link: Bob and Jim's Excellent Adventure

A/N: To start off, this parody has no relation whatsoever to Bill and Tim's Excellent Adventure, save the name resemblance.  Now thank you for reading this! =) This is a story based on two characters from my parody, The Legend of Link: Ocarina of Time.  They are two Lizalfos called Bob and Jim, who are lucky enough to encounter Link many times in their life.  But what went on in between those encounters is what this story is all about.  So, I welcome you to take up a seat and experience Bob and Jim's Excellent Adventure.  Enjoy! =)

Chapter 1: Lizalfos for Hire!

Once upon a time there was a land called Hyrule.  It was a prosperous land-

Link: We've already heard this before, now get on with the story!

Fine.  In the great mountain range of Hyrule there lived two Lizalfos.  Their names were Bob and Jim.  Now Bob and Jim were unemployed and broke, not a good combination, and were looking for work.

Jim: Hey, Bob!  Can you get me some TP!

Bob: Did you use up all the roll again!?!

Jim: Well…yeah.

Bob: Well we don't have any more so you'll just have to use a paper towel or something.

Jim: Um…we're all out of those too.

Bob: Man, we need a job.

Phone: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnggggg!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: I've got it.  Hai.

Mysterious Voice: Hello.

Bob: Hey.

Mysterious Voice: Howdy.

Bob: Wazzup?

Mysterious Voice: Not much.

Bob: Oh.

(Pause)

Mysterious Voice: Do you need work?

Bob: Yes!

Mysterious voice: Then meet me at the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern at midnight tonight.  Don't be late.

Bob: All right.

Mysterious Voice: Good day!

Bob: See ya.

*Click*

Jim: Who was that?

Bob: Some guy.  He wants us to meet him at Dodongo's Cavern at midnight for some work.

That night, Bob and Jim arrived at Dodongo's Cavern at 11:45 to meet the owner of the Mysterious Voice.

Jim: Bob, I'm cold.  Let's just go home.

Bob: But we need more TP, remember?!  We have to stay.

After about 15 minutes, a shadowy shape appears in front of them.

Shadowy Figure: Good evening.

Bob: Right back at ya!

Shadowy Figure: You need work, am I correct?

Bob: Yep.

Shadowy Figure: Well, I have a job for you to do.  I am starting an "amusement park" here at the Dodongo's Cavern called, The Dodongo's Explosive Cavern, and I need you two to be the upholders of the rules.

Jim: Do we get cool badges?

Shadowy Figure: No.

Jim: Darn it.

Bob: Well do we get a cool name then?

Shadowy Figure: I suppose a name is all right.  Maybe, "The Lizalfos Patrol"?

Bob: Na, too plain.  How bout the, "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos"?

Shadowy Figure: Fine.  But now the important part!  I you meet a kid with a green getup and a fairy, and he wants to get through, you have to stop him.  Got it?

Bob: Yes sir!

Shadowy Figure: Good, now get to work.

Bob: Ok boss.  By the way, what do we call you?

Shadowy Figure: Boss is fine.  But you may call me Lord Ganondorf.

Bob: All right.

************************************************************************

Jim: We're getting paid for just sitting here?

Bob: Yeah, it's sorta boring, isn't it.

Jim: You know, this is an amusement park.  Why don't we think of something amusing to do?

Bob: Yeah!  Like we can be clowns!  "The Dancing Lizalfos Bros."!

Jim: Sound good to me!  Let's practice!

So they practice for a while, until they hear a noise from outside their room.

Distant Noise: Du du da da du du duuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Bob: Uh oh!  Someone's coming!

Jim: Come on!  Let's hide and surprise him!

They find a place up high to hide.  Then someone walks into the room.  He's a little boy wearing a green hat and tunic, and a fairy is following him.

Boy in Green: Whoa!  It's hot in here!

Bob: Hey!  He looks like he needs entertaining!

Jim: Ok then!  Let's go!

They jump down in front of the boy.

Boy in Green: AHHHHH!  What the?

Lizalfos #1: Hai!

Boy in Green: Don't you mean hi?

Lizalfos #1: No, hai!  Like in Uruk-hai!

Boy in Green: Oh.

Lizalfos #1: I'm Bob!

Lizalfos #2: And I'm Jim!

Bob & Jim: And we're…(They pull out a couple of fake red noses)…The Dancing Lizalfos Brothers!

They bring out a unicycle, a few dishes and a horn.  Bob gets on Jim's shoulders while balancing some plates and Jim rides on the unicycle and honks the horn.  They both start singing real bad circus music.

Bob & Jim: Na na ne-ne ne na na, na ,na ,na ne ne ne-ne, na na na na, na na-na na, na…

Boy in Green: Um…hey guys?

Bob and Jim fall over.  Sounds of breaking dishes.

Boy in Green: Um, how do I get through there?

He points to a locked door.

Bob (getting up while brushing off dust and glass): Oh!  You have to fight us!

Boy in Green: Oh great.

Jim: Yeah, get ready!

They both pull out rubber chickens.

Boy in Green: Um…ok.

He pulls out his sword.

Bob: GOOOOOOOOOO!

The boy pokes Bob.

Bob: Oh no! I'm dead!

He explodes.

The boy then pokes Jim.

Jim: Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

Boy in Green: Oooookaaaay.

He leaves the room.

************************************************************************

Bob: Ow!

Jim: Yeah.

Bob: How're we still alive?

Jim: Dunno.  Maybe we're immortal!

Bob: Nah.  If we were, we wouldn't be in so much pain.  But we are still on the job.  We'd better go find another place to stay.

Jim: Yeah.  And some band-aids!

Along the way, they bump into an old "friend" of theirs.

Jim: AH!  It's our cousin Frank!

Bob: Let's just sneak past and maybe he won't-

Frank (who has a deep, nasal, geeky sort of voice): Bob?  Jim?

Jim: Uh oh.

Frank: What are you guys doing here?

Bob: We work here Frank.

Frank: You do?  I think I do too.

Jim: Oh…that's…great.

Frank: Hey, do you wanna hang out together?

Bob: Um…sorry Frank…we, um…are assigned to a special, "Bob and Jim" only section.  We were on our way when we bumped into you.

Frank: Awwww, that's too bad.  I get kinda lonely, you know, hanging out here in the dark…with no one around…except old graves…with scary dead people in 'em.

Bob: Sorry!  Rules are rules!

Jim: Yeah, so…se ya!

They run off…very quickly.

************************************************************************

The boy with the fairy walk into a really hot room full of lava.  Then a couple familiar lizard-looking guys fall from the ceiling.

Bob (with an eye patch and a cast over his arm): Hai!

Boy in Green: Oh no.  Not you two again.

Jim (holding some crutches with his head all bandaged up): Yep!  But this time we're here to arrest you.

Boy in Green: What!?

Bob: Yeah, we're also the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos".  And since you violated law #3-

Boy in Green: What do you mean?

Jim: You fed the Dodongos.

Boy in Green: No I didn't.

Bob: But…you were supposed to.

Boy in Green: Then why am I getting arrested for it?

Jim: Because…oh never mind.

Bob: Anyway, we have to fight!

Boy in Green: Um, guys?  Don't you think the odds are against you?

Jim: What do you mean?

Boy in Green: Um…you can't even hold a sword.

Bob: Well, we have to fight, it's our duty as the, "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos".

Jim: Yep!  So get ready…

Bob: GOOOOOO!

Boy in Green: *sigh*  (pokes Bob.)

Bob: Oh no!  I'm dead!

He explodes.

Boy in Green: (pokes Jim.)

Jim: Oh no! I'm…not dead!  Hahaha!

He hits the boy in the feet with his crutches but loses his balance and falls into the lava.

Jim: NOOOOOO!

He explodes.

Boy in Green: Ok, that was strange.

Ha walks away, unscathed…again.

************************************************************************

Bob: Man, we're really bad fighters!

Jim: You can say that again!

Bob: Man, we're really bad fighters!

Jim: I didn't really mean it.

Bob: Oh.

A loud growling sound comes from Jim's direction.

Jim: Man, I'm hungry!

Bob: Yeah, me too.  Hey look!  A vending machine!

They go over to it.

Jim: But we don't have any money.

Bob: Hey look!  A rupee!

He picks up the blue gem.

Jim: Let's get something.

Bob: Ok!  How 'bout the chocolate covered Deku nuts?

Jim: Nah, they're too crunchy.  There's the Deku seed popcorn.

Bob: That's not satisfying enough.

Jim: Ooooooo!  There's some…

Bob and Jim: MILK!!!!!!!!

They buy the milk, not even thinking that they'll have nothing to eat.

Bob: Oh yum!

They each take turns sipping the milk.  After awhile, though, they run out.

Jim: Awwwwww!  All gone!

Bob: Man!  I'm still hungry!

Jim: Yeah.  Me too.

Bob goes over to the vending machine and starts to bang his head against it.

Bob (with each bang): Why-do-you-have-to-take-money!

Then a bag of B-B-Q Cucco wings pop out of the vender.

Bob: Yea!  It's a miracle!

Jim: All right!

They start to munch on them.  A Dodongo comes over and starts to whine at them with hunger.

Jim: Awwww.  Are you hungry too?  Here.

He tosses a cucco wing at the Dodongo and it quickly gobbles it up.

Bob: JIM!  WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!

Jim: He was starving!

Bob: But it's against the rules!

Jim: Uh oh.

All of a sudden a shadowy figure appears in a puff of purple smoke.

Ganondorf: You fed the Dodongo's, didn't you.

Jim: *gulp* Y-yeah.

Ganondorf: Well, I'm afraid that, YOU'RE FIRED!

Bob: But he didn't mean to-

Ganondorf: YOU'RE FIRED TOO!

Bob: But, but!

Ganondorf: LEAVE!

Bob: Awwww man!

Jim: What about our money?

Ganondorf starts to fire little lightning balls all over the place.

Jim: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both of them run out of the place as quickly as possible.

Bob: Man!  That guy sure was mad!

Jim: Yeah.  And we didn't even get the TP money!

Bob: Guess we'd better go find another job.

Jim: But we've tried everywhere!

Bob: Not outside the mountain!

Jim: But Bob, we've never been off the mountain!

Bob: Well, we have to get some TP!

Jim: You're right.  Let's go!

(Fellowship Theme)

END OF CHAPTER