Title: Parents are Fallible

Writer: Azure K Mello

Rated: R

Spoilers: Destiny season five Angel

He had said he didn't want me there. Had thrown every insult he could think of at me, at my very existence. Even as he said them I could tell he didn't mean them. He was confused and weary and so he did what was easy: kick his childe just like the old days. But the minute I was able to go, once I got my body, he had asked me to stay, "Spike, stay. Please? Europe will still be there after we've work this out." And by Europe I wonder if he meant Buffy (who was in Europe) or the past Angelus and I had on that continent. I missed my sire so badly. That's why Angel hates me. He sees me and he sees all that I long for when I look at him and it makes him remember what he was. But he asked me to stay and isn't that something? That Eve chit walks in and says we have a world falling apart and he asks me to stay by his side. He wants me to be here to help him. Or maybe he wants to take care of me and keep an eye on me. That would be fucking marvelous, how many things am I going to have to do before he opens his eyes and remembers that everything I am is caused by him? He's my maker, and lover, and god, I need him to survive.

And then Eve had talked about a cup of Eternal Pain. . . or something equally as crassly names. The cup had to be drank by the souled vampire that would Shanshu. He said it was my fault that I had fucked it up. Apparently he wished me dead, that's sweet. His words didn't burn, I had heard them verbatim out of that same mouth so many times that it just couldn't hurt anymore. I called him "boss man" a snide little nickname pointing out something the group missed. A sire can hold power over a childe but that power is meant to be built on love, and trust, and respect, not actual power. So we had argued over who it was. Then we had raced to get to it first. I won. Then he got there being all pissy that I stole his fucking car. He told me I wasn't a hero, and implied I wasn't his childe anymore. So I accused him of being evil, a sore spot I knew, and that he'd traded his white hat for a title in a law firm. We threw around the slayer's name trying to hurt each other but it didn't succeed, so we both got tossed by Buffy it didn't matter this wasn't about her it was about us.

He said the prophecy was his, just as he had said Dru was his. The looks he gave me while we fought made me want to cry. So much anger. And I screamed at him. I told him he was the wicked one that I was just his creation and that I was still purer than he was. I knew it hurt. But it was nothing like he had done to me and I told him as much, "You never knew the real me. Too busy trying to see your own reflection, praying there was someone as disgusting as you in the world, so you could stand to live with yourself. Take a long look hero. I'm nothing like you." From the look in his eyes I knew I had hit the nail on the head. The shame and self loathing in his eyes made me feel sick. Deep down my demon was screaming that I was being flip to my sire, that I was making him ashamed of things he had done that were well within his rights. And we fought on, and I won. And that pissed him off further. Because I was his childe and not allowed to beat him.

I couldn't bring myself to stake him and so pinned him to the floor with wood through his shoulder. He asked me if I was trying to hurt him. Fucking moron can't even read his childer. I didn't want to be human, I had no interest in Shanshuing but if that's what it took to get his attention, if I had to hurt him to get him to actually look at me well so be it. And I drank from the Cup of Eternal Damnation or whatever and it was filled with soda. I had put a chunk of wood through my Angelus for fucking soda. He wouldn't look at me on the way home. When we got back to the bloody office everything went back to normal, he barely looked at me. So I went drinking. Now with a working liver I could drown my sorrows. Bloody buggering fuck. As I left I heard him tell Gunn he had lost to me. And while he tried to make it sound sad and morose I could hear a hint of pride In his voice. By this time I was so confused I had to get out of the building and away from the man.

Later that day the company was shut And Angel was asleep. And I figured I would go haunt him, the office was boring. But then I remembered I couldn't haunt him: I wasn't a ghost any more. So I was surprised when I found his door unlocked like he wanted me there. Every night I had come, in specter form, to watch him sleep. And he damn well knew it. It seemed his sleep wasn't as undisturbed as his waking mind. He had nightmares every night. Deep down he was as scared as I was about Wolfram and Hart. I liked to watch him toss and turn, a childish revenge for all the pain and loss he'd put me through. Petty? Yes. Rewarding? Certainly.

I settled on his window ledge, waiting for tonight's show. He was mumbling and was sweating coldly when he finally started to talk. "I know he belongs to you but I love him. . . you never did! You never loved him, you just kept him because he kept Dru quiet and had a skilled mouth and made you look good. But I love him. . . soul or not he's my perfect childe and you can't have him any more. And you today were talking through me, hurting him. I'm taking him away!" he shouted.

My heart froze in my unmoving chest. A talk with Angelus? A fight over me? My traitorous feet moved without me thinking and I was suddenly kneeling on his bed nudging him with the palm of my hand. I could feel his flesh, and that was a fucking reward in and of itself. I hated being non-corporeal. And I was touching my Angelus, my sire. If he would just hold me. . . Dark eyes opened slowly and he looked at me in confusion. "You were dreaming." I said softly as I kept my hands on him. "You ok now?" I asked as I caressed the bandage he's dressed his shoulder wound with.

He looked at me slowly and said, "I'm sorry, Will."

"For what?" I asked not looking into his face.

"For everything. . . ever. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I didn't put faith and love into our life. And I'm sorry I can't just tell you how I feel. Today I didn't want you to drink from the Cup of Perpetual Torment not because I don't think you should Shanshu but because I don't think you want to."

"I don't." I said feeling frozen and nearly mute. Cup of Perpetual Torment: I knew it had a poncy name.

"I didn't want you to have to deal with all that pain. So I said things to throw you off your game. But you won." He smiled, "You won, Will, you beat me."

"I did." I looked away from him. A childe should never raise a hand against their sire.

"I was so fucking proud and I stood there pretending it didn't matter, that it pissed me off." I couldn't help but smile at his words of praise after the awful day. "Why did you go for it if you didn't want it?"

"I was bored. You were ignoring me. . . what better way to fill a day than by taking what you wanted and maybe getting you to see me? Anyway. . . " I mumbled the last bit of my statement.

"Come again?" he asked smiling softly at me the way he used to when he made me apologize to Drusilla for ruining her tea parties. Gently encouraging and really fucking patronizing.

"Anyway," I started again, "Maybe it would make you think I'm not a monster." I looked away when I felt the tears prickling at my eyes.

"You aren't a monster, childe, I failed to make you one because you were far to pure to be broken by scum like me." He said as he stroked my cheek, "You don't need redemption: you've done nothing wrong. I forced you into everything so it's still my responsibility and I am responsible for the actions that need to be forgiven."

"I can't ask you to fix my errors."

"You didn't ask me to. But I will because you're my childe and I want you to be with me again, at my side."

I couldn't help but ask it. I knew it was asking to be kicked but I just couldn't resist. "In your bed?" I waited for him to kick me in teeth but instead he just laughed softly. Maybe that was worse. He didn't even take me seriously enough to throw me out.

"It's our bed now."