I Remember. I remember the first time I kissed her. How soft her lips were, the quiet little 'mmm' she made when I pulled away tugging her bottom lip slightly, the look in her eyes as it ended, and that shy smile she gave me afterward. I know it probably wasn't, but I remember how perfect it was then and how perfect it still seems now.
When I think about it, that kiss kinda came out of the blue. I'm still not sure exactly why I did it. We were just walking through the graveyard together, not the most romantic of places, but for us it was the norm. She was talking about something, I don't exactly remember what… then she mentioned this funny little thing that had happened to her and she got the cutest smile on her face. It made me really want to kiss her, which was something new, but for some reason it didn't seem strange and I stopped walking. She stopped too and looked at me weird. I just leaned in and I kissed her. Looking back on it, I'm surprised she didn't slap me or push me away or even tense up. It was almost, well I guess like she expected it. She just kind of moved closer and then she kissed me back, much softer than I thought she would.
I was much bolder than I normally am that night, but it seemed so natural for me deepen the kiss, to flick her lips softly with my tongue. I remember the sensation of her lips slowly parting against mine, the warmth inside her mouth, the feel of our tongues together, and the faint mint flavor from the wintergreen tic tac she had earlier.
Sometimes when a kiss gets to that point, you can feel the other person's desire almost like a demand. There's a kind of push or drive. It wasn't like that with her though. The best way I can explain it is kissing for the sake of kissing alone. Maybe that's what made it so wonderful, maybe not… I don't know. It was surprisingly gentle, considering the passion there. I understand now what people mean when they talk about losing yourself in a kiss. It wasn't like we were the only two people in the world or anything like that. It was more like I just didn't think about them… about anything at all really. I just felt and acted on those feelings.
I can barely recall the slight chill of her cheek, when I touched it. I couldn't say how long we actually kissed for, only that it was awhile. Then as I started to pull back, her bottom lip slipped slightly into my mouth and I tugged it softly with my teeth and this soft purr of a moan came out. I remember wanting to hear it again as soon as possible. When her eyes finally did open, they looked dazed. We just stared at each for awhile after, but it wasn't awkward.
I know that this is going to sound backward, but it wasn't until the kiss ended that I realized I had feelings for her, strong ones. Another thing that was new, but it never really concerned me.
"B, you kissed me." It wasn't really a question, but it wasn't a statement either. My hand was still on her cheek. I remember sliding my thumb across her lips before letting the hand hang by my side again. They were just a bit puffier than normal and I could feel myself smiling.
"Yes I did."
She looked at me, more serious than before. I still don't remember being all that nervous as cocky as that sounds. "Why?"
I didn't have an answer for that, except "I wanted to."
She looked at me kind of skeptical. "Why?"
"I don't know exactly." I was still wrapped up in the kiss and it wasn't even occurring to me to be anything other than completely honest, even at the risk of embarrassment "But I do know that was the best kiss of my entire life." She gave me this shy little smile, that I'd never seen before on her. It was beautiful… she was beautiful. I can remember, as I studied her face, feeling so silly for never having noticed before.
"You're beautiful." I felt that she should know it and I can recall how surprised she looked and the slight blush that came when I said that. The same blush that comes every time I say it now.
"B… I" There was something she wanted to ask me. "Did it…" A slightly agitated sigh that came from her lips, and I just waited quietly for her to continue. "Did it mean anything?" I remember that the whispered question threw me for a loop, because I thought that was obvious.
"It meant a lot Faith… it meant everything." I'm not sure exactly where that came from, but it was true nonetheless. For the first time that night I felt nervous, suddenly plagued by doubt. "Did it…"
"More than I could tell you Buffy." I'd never heard words spoken more honestly and I'd never felt quite so happy. I was sure we weren't actually talking about the kiss anymore, just the implications of it.
As we stood silently, the level of emotion between us was intense. I remember that it was kind of a release when she broke out with her familiar mischievous smirk. I had to smile, wondering what she was up to until she grabbed me around my waist and pulled me close. "Wanna do it again?"
Maybe we didn't say exactly the right things, or handle it as smoothly as we could have. I don't know, but I don't care either. For me it was perfect. Just like now, lying in her bed with her head on my shoulder. The way her hair feels around my fingers, her breath on my neck, the look on her face while she sleeps, and the slight pressure on my side when she exhales, just those feelings, just us. I'll remember this too.