I Miss Him

Author's Notes: Okay I'm not sure where this story is going to lead. I was kinda depressed when I wrote it, as you can tell from the subject matter. But I'm planning on making things right in the end! Please review, I live off of them! Also just a note, I don't like the title very much, so I might change it during the course of the story. If I do, I'll be sure to tell you!

Disclaimer: I do not own JAG and its characters. I am just a poor eighth grader, trying to pass Geometry *curses geometry * Please do not sue, you will not get anymore than pocket lint.

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It's the cliched cold, windy, dreary day. Fits my mood perfectly. I can't believe that he's really gone, that my husband isn't coming home. There's a gust of wind that blows my hair into my face, but I don't notice . . .I don't care.

Bud and Harriet are standing next to me, along with little AJ and Jimmy. They couldn't find a sitter today, so they brought them along. AJ stands stoically next to his father, and Harriet's holding Jimmy, tears streaming down her face. I haven't cried yet, I think I'm still in shock. Trish and Frank are standing on my right side, the Admiral on my left. The Admiral and Frank are standing tall, just like Bud, but if you looked into any of their eyes, you could see the despair that is consuming me.

I try to listen to Chaplain Turner, but it's not working. All I can think about are those piercing blue green eyes, the handsome features, and the closing arguments that could even bring a heartless person to their knees. I don't know how I'm going to go on. My hands stray to my stomach, wishing that he could be around for our little one's birth.

Sturgis gets up to speak, and begins talking about his times at the Academy with Harm. The anecdotes make everyone in attendance chuckle, reminding them of the man that he was. Everyone except for me, all I want to do is scream. 'MY HUSBAND IS DEAD AND YOU'RE LAUGHING?' That's what I want to say, but I know that I can't, that this is how Harm would have wanted it. Remembering the good times, not dwelling on . . .this.

Sturgis looks at me, beckoning me to come up and talk about him. Everybody has been trying to get me to open up, and I'm tired of it. I shake my head no, and he nods, stepping down, and going back to his seat. Trish reaches over and squeezes my hand, and I look over, trying to smile, offer some comfort, but it just won't work. She seems to understand.

I'll never forget the moment it happened. I was going about the apartment getting ready for work, when I suddenly felt a strange ache in my chest. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, like someone was stabbing me in the heart. I thought nothing of it; it was probably just heartburn from the Mexican I had had the other night. I went into the office, and everybody was looking at me strangely. Coates ran up to me, and she looked like she had been crying. "The Admiral would like to see you Colonel." She whispered and then ran off in the general direction of the ladies room.

I knew something was wrong, and that the ache I had felt wasn't heartburn, it meant that something had happened to Harm. I don't remember the Admiral's exact words, just the hollowness that I suddenly felt. I still feel it.

Those damned planes fly overhead, the ones that took him from me. I don't know all the details, and I probably never will. All I know is that he was flying a mission, and that most of it was classified. Something went wrong, and the plane and its pilot's didn't come back.

They're starting the salute. With every shot I can feel my walls crumbling . . .Damn it! I don't want to feel, if I can feel it will mean that this is real, that Harm won't be coming home. I don't WANT to accept that! I CAN'T! He's Harm, Chole said once that he was invincible, and I so desperately want to believe that right now!

I can't take it anymore. My legs turn to rubber, and I collapse, sobbing. He's gone, he's really and truly gone.

Author's Notes: I have the next few chapters written up and ready to go, and when I post them is up to you! Please review, and tell me what you thought. I know that people don't like when author's kill off characters, but like I said before, I'm gonna make it okay! A HUGE thanks to Bekki for betaing this for me!