Substitute Teacher

A/N: This is just a little one-shot ficlet that has been begging to be written for a few days. So let me jot this one down and I can continue "Abyss"


It's another boring Monday morning. You get to school a few minutes early and barely have time to chat with your friends before the shrill bell rings, meaning you have to get to first period. Of course you lag your feet and make a few pit stops, so by the time your butt hits the chair the late bell has just finished ringing.

Luckily your teacher isn't in the class yet. The room is buzzing as students discuss the upcoming football game, the latest movies, what to wear at the next dance, and so on. You turn to your friend, Mallory, and begin discussing your favorite movie: Pirates of the Caribbean. You are a Jack fan girl, and Mallory is a Will fan girl, which works out perfectly. Too many good friendships had been broken because of arguments over the rights to these characters.

"I watched it again last night," Mallory admits.

"What's your total count now? 30? 40?" You ask.

"53. No, actually, it's 56, if you count the three audio commentaries on the DVD," Mallory replied. You both giggle.

"I've seen it 57 times. I just can't get enough of it! I can't believe there are actually people out there who don't like it," you say in utter bewilderment, thinking of your older brother, who makes fun of you incessantly about your obsession.

"They just don't know what they're missing out on," Mallory shrugged. "I can't wait 'till the second one comes out. And I've heard rumors that it's going to be a trilogy!"

"That would be so awesome. We better start saving our money now, though, movie tickets are getting expensive!" you comment, remembering with a shudder how you almost sold your little sister so you could afford to see the movie again.

"I'd sell my soul just to see Will Turner in action," Mallory sighed dramatically.

At that moment, the classroom door opens, and the principal walks in. The room falls silent, because the principal is known for his volatile temper.

"Good morning, class," he greets you coldly.

"Good morning, Mr. Newman," the class choruses.

"I regret to inform you that your usual teacher, Ms. Grodinski, is out sick today," Mr. Newman announced. You hear a few quiet but triumphant "YES!"s from around the room. "Allow me to introduce your substitute teacher."

A strange looking man walks in the room. His wild, black, dread-locked, and beaded hair is held back by a red bandana. When he grins, gold teeth flash at you. His clothes are old-fashioned and dirty, and the way he walks suggests that he's not entirely sober.

"I want you all to say hello to Mr. Sparrow," Mr. Newman instructs.

"Hello, Mr. Spa-" the class begins, but the man cuts them off angrily.

"Captain! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?" he shouts.

"Ahem. My apologies. Class, this is Captain Sparrow," Mr. Newman said.

"Hello, Captain Sparrow," the class recites.

"I expect all of you to be on your best behavior. Captain Sparrow, the class is yours. Good luck." Mr. Newman then left the room, and the class erupted in excited whispers.

"Mallory, am I seeing things? Tell me that you see Captain Jack Sparrow standing in front of us right now!" You say to Mallory.

"It's him! It's really him!" Mallory squeaks.

"Attention please, class."

No response.

"Attention, please."

Still nothing.


Utter silence.

"Thank ye. Now, as yer principal jus' informed ye, I be Captain Jack Sparrow. Ye can call me Captain Sparrow for short. I only have a few rules. Number one, never touch the hat." Captain Sparrow ran his fingers along the brim of his hat, glaring menacingly. "Number two, what the captain says, goes. Ye only take yer orders from me, and not from no one else. Number three, ye never touch me rum, neither. Number four. . . bloody hell, I fergot what number four was. Oh well, you get the point, right, ya landlubbers?"

"Mr. -er, Captain Sparrow, what are we going to do today?" a student asks.

"Let's see, where's that blasted lesson plan. . ." Captain Sparrow rifles through the papers on Ms. Grodinski's desk, leaving smudges on everything with his dirty hands. "Ah, here we go. All right, so this is English class. Today we're learning about symbolism, savvy?"

"Yes, Captain Sparrow," the class responds.

"Symbolism, symbolism. . . what in tarnation is symbolism? Ah, okay, here's an example for ye. Take me ship, the Black Pearl. She's a ship, right? She's got a rudder, a deck, sails, an anchor, and such cannons as would blast the entire British Navy to Singapore. But that's not what a ship is, that's what a ship needs. What a ship is. . . what the Black Pearl really is. . . ah, well, why don't one of ye tell me. You there, in the front, can ye tell me what the Black Pearl really is?"

He's looking straight at you. You feel butterflies start to flutter in your stomach, but you've seen the movie enough to know what the answer is. So you push down those butterflies and choke out, "Freedom."

"Aye, yer a smart lass. The Black Pearl is a ship, but she stands fer freedom. That's symbolism. Savvy?" Captain Sparrow looks over the lesson plans again. "Well, I'd say that about covers it. Now, on to the more excitin' stuff. How about we learn a bit o' swordfightin?"

Everyone cheers. Captain Jack steps outside for a moment and returns with a bunch of swords, which he passes out to everyone. The class pairs off and starts randomly whacking each other with the swords. A few students end up with less limbs than they started with, so Captain Sparrow calls the class to order again.


Everyone stops where they are. Captain Sparrow then demonstrates some simple swordfight tactics. The class continues to fight for a few more minutes before Captain Sparrow announces that it's time to move on.

"Now I'm gonna teach ye how to pillage and plunder and loot," he explains. "First off, ye need a ship and a crew. Make sure not to tell yer crew the bearings of the location of the treasure, or else they might mutiny and leave you stranded on a Godforsaken island. So once ye know what yer goin' after, ye have to get there. Ye might have to set a few buildings on fire and scare the townsfolk away, but then ye grab the loot and get back on yer ship. Then ye need to get to a secret hidin' place so's no other pirates can steal yer hard-earned booty. Savvy?"

"But Captain Sparrow, isn't arson a felony?" a student protests.

"Ah yes, I fergot the most important part of the lesson: Don't get caught. Ye might get branded, like this." He showed the class his wrist, which was adorned with the "P" that marked him as a pirate. "And make sure ye don't get caught by that bloody Commodore Norrington. He may give ye a short drop and a sudden stop. Now then, what else can I teach ye?"

"Captain Sparrow, I think we're supposed to read the rest of Romeo and Juliet today!" a brainy kid pipes up.

"Who-eo and What-iet? Sounds boring. I say we drink rum and forget the book!" Captain Sparrow declared. The class cheered again, and he went outside once more, this time returning with two big jugs of rum and plenty of mugs for everyone.

"Now then, ye can't drink rum without a proper toast. So when I say 'take all ye can,' ye all say 'give nothin' back.' Ready? Take what ye can!" Captain Sparrow shouted.

"Give nothin back!" The class responded.

"Now drink up, me hearties, yo ho!"

You raise the drink to your lips and are ready to take a sip when the bell rings.

"Get up, you're going to be late for school!" your mother's voice yells.

You open your eyes and realize that you're still in bed. School hasn't started yet. Ms. Grodinski probably isn't sick. It was all just a dream. . . you groan and roll over, pulling the covers over your head in an attempt to fall back into dreamworld.


A/N: R/R!!!!!!!!!!!! Please and thank you!!!!!!!