Odds Are

By Goose

Disclaimer:  Firefly is incredibly, exceptionally, exceedingly, remarkably, and regrettably not mine.  It is, however, the property of one Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and, I suppose, Fox Network as well (though they sure don't deserve it). 

Summary: Jayne does the math regarding his situation on Serenity.  Direct references to "Our Mrs. Reynolds."


Lemme tell ya, I don't like the odds on this gorram ship.  I'll admit I'm not the brightest star in the 'verse, but I can do the math.  On the one side you got Mal, Wash, the Shepherd, Doc, and me.  On the other there's Zoe, Kaylee, Inara, and Crazy.  And that adds up to...


I just don't like the numbers of that, is all.  And it gets even more complicated than that.  Y'see, I'm not looking for true love, house and home, and all that.  I'm just looking for someone to keep my bed (and a few other things) warm, but the odds of even that happening are slim to none.

First of all, there's Zoe and Wash.  That's a pretty well established relationship, though I never really got it.  Seems like a waste of perfectly good woman to me but I don't see anything tearing those two apart anytime soon, no matter how much they fight.  Hell, even if they did split I've got a better chance at bedding Wash than I do Zoe.  Let's just take a moment here to get over the unpleasantness of that thought. 

Now, Mal and Inara aren't really a "couple" seeing has how there hasn't been any actual, y'know, coupling, but it's pretty obvious to everybody but them they they're just itching to jump each other.  I figure it'll happen suddenly, like in the middle of a meal.  Inara will just leap over the table and tackle Mal and the two will start going at it on top of dried protein.  I wouldn't complain, but I think it would be a more rewarding experience all around if Inara jumped my bones.  Ooh, or Zoe's.  Or Kaylee's. 

Speaking of Kaylee, it's pretty damn apparent she's following that gorram Doctor around.  She's a sweet girl, y'know?  So I just don't understand her attraction to a pompous ass like him.  He wears silk.  In the Black.  And he says he's smart.  Naw, he's learned and he's snarky but he sure as shit ain't smart.  Good Kaylee's happy, but if he really hurts her me and the rest'll have to take action.  But, seein' as how I'm such a nice guy, I'll leave him an inch to piss with.  Kaylee'd be real put out if I roughed him up too bad and when Kaylee ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  Last time I crossed her she messed with the environmental controls in my bunk.  Slept in the mess hall for a week.

So with these equations that leaves Shepherd Book, River, and me.  I ain't none too thrilled about either of these choices.  Hell, it's downright nauseating.  Don't even deserve consideration.

I ain't got the money to get anything worthwhile next time we go planetside, and Mal ain't looking to pick up any more crew members, especially nubile young womenfolk.  I mean, sure Saffron was a crazy bitch and all ready to send us to certain peril, but she was nice to look at.  Overall it weren't a bad experience.  I even got to take Vera out someplace fun, which counts as a big plus to my way of thinking.  Can't figure why the rest got so worked up about it.  The odds of our getting out of that situation were pretty damn favorable.

So you'd think the odds of me getting a little of what the others are going after would be a bit more to my liking, too.  Nope.  Don't like them odds at all.  Hell, just do the math.


Author's Note:  This is my first venture into Firefly fanfiction territory, which means I'm still trying to make sure I have a grasp of the characters before I try to do something with, say, plot.  I figured Jayne deciphering the odds of his getting laid is a fairly good starting board for me.  Much love to reviewers!