Ski Free!!!


It was cold and everyone was freezing their butts off.

The beginners were complaining that the fuchsia didn't go with the red hat and blue boots and that overall the conditions were appalling. The entire mountainside was against them, making their ski's go inward with the treacherous slope.

Their faces were turning blue because of the cold. A nice shade of aqua actually . . . but honestly, why must they wear yellow ski's? It looked as if they were construction workers or something . . .

The snowboarders were standing around in a clump to his left, slightly up hill. They were discussing whether the size of the board really did matter.

"It's not the size, man," said one in a droopy voice, "It's how you use it."

The others chuckled at that but then started talking about how the managers of the skiing slope had made them sit next to a beginner when they went on the chair lift back up to the top for a re-run.

The little man sighed. None of them could compare to his ski gear, he had these really cool goggles that stopped his eyes from freezing in their sockets and a floppy hat with a pompom on the end too! His green boots and blue jump suit with pretty fuchsia skivvy underneath set the tone of colourfully.

He got ready to ski.

"Stop right there! This is a Ski Free camp! No clothing will be permitted on the slopes. All patrons must Ski Freeeee!"

And with that the official ripped off his clothing and ran around in circles.

As one the beginners went, "Is that normal?"

As one the snowboarders went, "Dude! Coolioso!"

And as one person, the little man shrugged and said, "What the hell?"

The dogs had been shaved and instructors for the beginners were tramping across the snow from the lodge house in nothing but their ski's.

The little man didn't want to leave his clothing behind. It was all super high tech and untested as yet on the slopes. He wanted to use it, but the officials were adamant.

They let him have his pompom hat though and his goggles. But everything else except the ski's had to go.

The little man shivered but pushed off the mountain edge anyway.

He grinned as he cleared his first jump with a double twist, butlanded in a heap. Getting up again, he felt his manhood begin to freeze over.

He got worried then.

He tried to speed up, rubbing his legs as he built up speed and letting the wind course freely over them but they were slowly stiffening . . .

He leapt over a tree that had come out of nowhere and felt his eggs and pickles begin to thaw. He looked back.

He was saved! The trees caught fire as you raced over them. He'd have to remember that.

He slammed into a giant evergreen and grumbled as he got to his feet again He'd have to go jump over another tree.

He raced downhill once more but got knocked down again by a passing snow boarder.

"Read between the lines, mate! Read between the lines!" he yelled at the snowboarder.

He got up quickly and skied over to another one of those fire trees.

He continued down the slope, dodging the trees, rocks and unsavoury bumps.

He was nearing the bottom. He could sense it. He grinned.

A shadow to his left betrayed something large and hairy. But he was going so fast that he didn't see it very well. The little man ignored it and . . .

He was stopped by an abominable snowman that had moved absurdly fast.

How had he . . .?

The monster held him up to it's mouth then blinked.

"Your naked this time," it stated.

The little man shrugged uncomfortably.

"Where is the fuschia skivvy?"

The little man shrugged again.

"The cloakroom, I guess, at the top of the mountain," he squeaked.

The monster stared at him.

Then it proceeded to shag him into insensibility and drag him into it's cave.

It got a fire started and skinned rabbit.

He skinned several rabbits in fact, and by the time the little man had woken up he was thoroughly surprised to find him in a full suit of rabbit furs.

He blinked.

"Aren't you going to eat me?"

The monster turned wearily to him.

"You get lonely on these mountains," it said depressingly, "I want some company. After eating thousands of little men, it was time for a change. And . . . you weren't wearing any clothes."

It shrugged apologetically.

The little man blanched. This was something he'd rather forget.

"But, you're . . ."

"I always seem to get hit with PMS whenever you little guys decide to ski down."

The little man blinked. Was this getting worse?

"But . . . you're an it!"

"A she," it looked cross.

"Of . . . course! Umm . . ."

The following silence was so heavy it crushed down on the nonexistent conversation and shattered it into oblivion.

The little man shivered.

"You want some more furs?" offered the abominable snowwoman.

The conversation was struggling to push the silence off.

The little man shook his head.

The conversation gave a little cough and died, a little blood trickled out of it's mouth as the rest of it's face relaxed into death.

The monster and the little man glanced at the dead conversation and shuffled across to the other side of the cave.

"Your not much of a company," it said.

The little man shrugged.

"I should eat you," it said.

The little man repeated the gesture but gave a little shake of his head anyway to give a sense of inclination to an opinion.

That night there was a blizzard, and unfortunately the snowwoman had seen a few too many romantic comedies to let the moment pass.

When the little man woke up the next morning, his enwly acquired furs had been ripped to shreds and the snowwoman was facing out down the slope.

She pointed.

"You can leave if you want. 300 metres down or so, you'll find the lodge."

"But that's at the top . . .!"

The snowwoman looked towards him sorrowfully.

"No one knows because I have ket it secret, eating any who come this far. Usually the beginners and snowboarders stay above where I am and little men like you keep going, unaware of the dangers here . . ."

The little man blinked.

"It's a never ending slope?" he asked incredulously.

The snowwoman nodded.

"When I return, I expect you to be gone," she mumbled as she walked into the snow, "Do not come back here, I'll be forced to do away with you . . ."

"I don't want to leave," he said.

The snowwoman looked up with hope shining in her eyes.

The little man got up and walked over to the monster who was tice his height.

"I love you," he whispered and buried his head into the lush fur of his lover.

The snowwoman blinked.

"I . . . love you too, honey," she said and pulled him close, nearly suffocating him.

"Can I stay?" he asked softly.

"Of course . . ."


A/N: OK, I didn't mean to have THAT come out there. But oh wells, this little ficlet has finished and I hope you can guess that the little man and his snowwoman lived shaggingly ever after. Do I need to mention that he named his Snowwoman Shaggy? Umm . . . I guess you didn't really need to know that . . .

*coughs embarrassedly*