The Giant, FUN Talent Show!
What? So Sephiroth, RedXIII, and Shoopuf Dude didn't get to give a testimony. You know what it would have been like. Sephiroth would have been stupid, Red XII would have been boring, and Shoopuf Dude would have been IMPOSHIBBLE! Quit whining, whiner. JEEZ.
Anyway, everyone had moved into a big auditorium like the kind at your middle school. In the middle rows of seats facing the stage, were the jury who would be judging the Talent Competition. Team Cid was on the right. Team Haru was on the left.
That's right! Whichever team that can impress the jury the most, WINS the case! Would this ever happen in real life? OF COURSE NOT! Everyone knows that there's no such thing as VAMPIRES! But anyway, Cid's life is now hanging in the balance of a talent show! If he loses… he could go to prison! And he's not even an innocent BISHOUNEN who we would enjoy being tortured in prison!
Marius was sitting in the back trying to apologize to his Amadeo-chan, who was still pissed because Marius was off at some fictional court-talent show thing. Rude was off getting ready for his date with Tifa after the verdict. Tifa was grieving over Cloud because he was DEAD. Everyone else was preparing to show their talents off in the talent show!
" Can I go home now?" Spike asked.
NO! You may not. Everyone else is enjoying the talent show. Why can't you be like everyone else, Spike? WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?!
Everybody else in the jury was either dead, silent, or screaming their name senselessly. So Spike decided to be like the silent people. At least he wasn't like the poor court audience that had exploded.
So… let's begin the talent show! First, from Cid's team… we have… Sephiroth! That's right, I let Cid have Sephiroth and Shoopuf Dude on his side since everyone else was dead. So, what did Sephiroth do? What CAN Sephiroth do?! We know he can't play volleyball, sing, or surf.
Sephiroth approached the stage nervously with a big black radio. Wow! I suppose he's going to dance! He placed it onto the ground, and switched it on quietly. And then… BEGAN TO RIVERDANCE! AWK!
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I WAS NEVER EXPECTING HIM TO RIVERDANCE! Look at him go! Spinning and whirling and all those other crazy Riverdance things! What a show! Surprisingly, Sephiroth danced foolishly all the way through the song without anyone getting up to go and kill him for being such a dork. Well, the Scyther tried, but it was tied down.
" MY EYES! MY EEEEEYES!" Shrieked Spike, as he covered them. All of the other men were doing this too, except for Marius. And Vincent. You want to know what Vincent was doing? He was slowly going through every single wooden auditorium chair and bending the seat up and then down. Why was he doing this? Yup, that's right. He was looking for Hojo.
Well, after he had finished his Riverdance, Sephiroth bounded off the stage like a big idiot. He raised his hands for a high-five from his team, but they all just gave him weird looks. HAHAHA! Stuuuuuupid Sephiroth!
" If there's one thing I CAN'T stand it's riverdancing. And Cowboy Andy." Spike muttered. Everyone in the jury nodded in agreement. Ooh, bad choice, Sephy. Tough luck Cid!
Well… now it was Haru's turn. You know what? Tifa was still grieving, Vincent was still looking for Hojo, so all poor Haru could do was take RedXIII up to the stage.
" Sit." He told RedXIII.
" Where?" Asked RedXIII.
" Speak." Said Haru.
" To who?" RedXIII asked.
" Play dead." Haru commanded.
" WHY?" RedXIII wanted to know.
" WHAT A STUPID DOG!" That SNL guy shouted. " I'm NOT KIDDING!"
" Do it, RedXIII." Haru said, turning to face RedXIII with an angry look.
" Fine…" RedXIII sighed. He turned to face the audience, and then threw back his head and howled like a foolish dog. " ROOOOOOOBY, ROOOBY DOOOOOO!"
Everyone fell over laughing, even Haru, and RedXIII wandered off stage with his head hung low. HAHAHAHA! To be made to howl like Scooby Doo is the stupidest thing EVER! Besides the riverdance.
Well… now it was Cid's turn again. But guess what? As Shoopuf-Dude only appears once in the entire story, he was GONE! NOOOOOOO! Who can save Cid now?
Well, he still has Cait Sith.
Cait Sith walked onto stage and faced the expectant audience. He then lifted his little kitty self up and began to do some CRAZY ventroquilism.
" Hey Dummy!" He said to the cat.
" Look whose talking." He replied, making the cat's mouth move. He then waited expectantly for some laughter. None came.
" I just flew in from The Gold Saucer and MAN AM I TIRED!" Cait Sith tried again, making the little cat puppet's arms flap foolishly.
" JUST SHUT UP!" That SNL guy shouted.
" Hey-hey! Aw screw it." Cait Sith muttered, and waddled off stage. Well, everyone hates ventroquilsm. I hate it like the plague! Man, things aren't looking good for Cid's team.
Now it was Vincent's turn to do something. They tore him away from crawling through the aisles on his hands and feet looking for Hojo. This made him so mad, he turned into Jason because his limit break broke! Everyone in the jury thought this was just some amazing magic trick, so they applauded as he threatened to cut everyone into little pieces with his chainsaw. Oh, that stupid, naïve Vincent! He almost killed that Buddy Barn Guy who was selling popcorn, but he teleported away at the nick of time.
Say, does anyone else like Digimon Music? The Japanese ones? WELL, I DO! If you're reading this right now, and you REALLY love me, go download the Ending Theme to Adventure, Keep On by Ai Maeda. It's suteki!
There were only two people left now… Cid and Haru. BATTLE OF THE TITANS!
Cid slowly walked up to the stage, and that same music that plays when Simba is walking up to take his rightful place at Pride Rock began to play. Go, Cid, go! REMEMBER, WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE CID HIGHWIND, MASTER AND COMMANDER!
Cid took a deep breath, and grabbed a microphone from nowhere as a spotlight from the heavens suddenly dropped on him, and he began to sing in a haunting, beautiful woman's voice. Yes, this was very terrifying, but also strangely entertaining!
" DO YOU EVER KNOW WHY THE WOLF CRIES TO THE FULL GROWN MOON, OR ASK THE GRINNING BOBCAT WHY HE GRIIIIIINS? CAN YOU SING WITH ALL THE VOICES OF THE MOUNTAINS… CAN YOU PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND? YOU CAN'T OWN THIS EARTH UNTIL, YOU WON'T OWN THIS EARTH UNTIL, YOU CAN PAINT…WITH ALL… THE COLORS… OF THE WIIIIIIIIIND!"
WOW! He sounded JUST LIKE POCAHAUNTUS! If our judges were here now, I wonder what they would say? Well, unfortunately, the jury just looks terrified.
" That was different." Marius remarked, listening to Keep On by Ai Maeda that he had recently downloaded. (GET IT! GET IT! GET ALL DIGIMON SONGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME!)
Now… it was Haru's turn. He and Tifa stepped on to the stage without any props, and stood there. He then cleared his throat, and flung himself onto Tifa.
" Oh my God! He turned into a COW!" Said Sephiroth, boggled out of his mind. HOW COULD THAT CRAZY BOY TURN INTO A COW?!!!
" And I can talk," said the Haru-cow.
WOW! He can talk TOO!
" No question about it. The talking cow wins." Marius ruled, and everyone nodded in agreement. Poor Cid! But guess what? It turned out… HE WASN'T GOING TO BE SENT TO JAIL! Because I can't stand unhappy endings.
And now, for what happened to everyone!
Haru eventually turned back into a human and went back home, BY PLANE!
Those airship guys… exploded!
Reno was a famous pop star!
Sephiroth learned to play volleyball!
Rude had dinner with Tifa… and enjoyed it!
Marius went home, and we all decided to ignore that it was illegal to have him in this story!
Cloud was dead.
Aeris was dead.
Elena was dead.
Rufus was dead.
Hojo's BEEN dead.
Shera was dead. (Why not?)
That teddiursa was dead.
That pancake was dead.
The unimportant people exploded.
Buddy Barn Guy went off to wherever it was Buddy Barn Guy's go.
Poor Fruit Bat turned Cid flapped off to find someone who could help him.
And Shoopuf Dude-
" WHADDYA MEAN HE'S BEEN DEAD?!" Vincent shouted.