Muahahaha. Found this. It's not good, and it's a pretty weird format, but I think fans of Magic: The Gathering will enjoy it. I know I did.


Player 1: "Okay, I'm going to attack you with my Erhnam Djinn."

Player 2: "What's that again?"

Player 1: "4/5."

Player 2: (Pauses) "Okay, I'll Lightning Bolt it, then sacrifice two mountains for a Fireblast before it attacks. It's dead."

Player 1: (Scowls) "Jackass."

Player 2: (Smirks) "Done?"

Player 1: "Of course."

Player 2: "Okay. Untap, upkeep and draw." Pauses, looking at the four cards in his hand. "Okay, I'll tap all of my mana to bring out Saotome Ranma." (Tilts his land cards and sets down a different card - it displays a picture of Ranma in his battle stance, and the background is solid red.)

Player 3: "Woah! You've got one of those?!?"

Player 2: "Yeah. Picked it up at a convention a couple of months back. Pretty cheap, considering the set is out of print. A shame, really. Anything-Goes was a good expansion."

Player 1: "Yeah it was. You remember the Dr. Tofu?"

Player 3: (Smiles.) "Yeah. A 3/3 white creature for one white mana and three colorless."

Player 2: "Don't think I've ever seen it. What abilities does it have?"

Player 3: "You can tap it to prevent up to five damage to any target creature or player."

Player 2: (Whistles.) "Wow. Not too shabby. My personal favorite, though, was the Saotome Secret Technique."

Player 1: (Grins.) "Great card. For just one red mana, all of your creatures untap. Great when an opponent pulls some trickery and attacks you for, like, twelve damage." (Mumbles.) "Stupid Giant Growths..."

Player 2: "Yup; a pretty good set, altogether. Anyway, I'm gonna sacrifice another mountain to put the weakness moxibustion on your Serra Angel." (Points to the first player.) "She's a 0/1 now."

Player 1: "Damn. I guess I'm dead, then."

Player 3: "Not necessarily." (Turns to the second player.) "You done?"

Player 2: "Yeah. Go ahead."

Player 3: (Straightens all of his cards and glances over them once.) "I pay three black mana for the upkeep on my Jusenkyo Pools." (Tilts three land cards sideways and takes a card off the top of a pile lying face down in front of him.) "Yes! Good draw. Okay, I tap my Jusenkyo Pools to add three blue mana to my mana pool. I use that to turn your Ranma into a 2/2 girl token until the end of the turn."

Player 2: (Smiles ruefully.) "That's the only problem with the Ranma card. It's powerful, but anyone can just pay three blue mana to change it to a 2/2 girl."

Player 3: (Grins malevolently.) "That's why I keep all that nonbasic land in my deck, man. Anyway, I tap my last two swamps for two Dark Rituals. That's six mana, which lets me bring out my Ramiel card."

Players 1 + 2: "Wait just a fucking second!"

Player 3: (Frowns in confusion.) "What?"

Player 1: "I don't play with the Second Impact expansion."

Player 2: "Yeah! It's cheap, man!"

Player 3: "What? How so?"

Player 2: (Gives Player 3 an exasperated look.) "You just brought out a 13/13 creature with trample and protection from all colors for a total of six mana. You're trying to tell me that's not cheap?"

Player 1: "The only way to even have a chance is to play another of the Angels or an EVA!"

Player 2: "The creatures in that expansion are so powerful it's like an entirely different game, man. No dice."

Player 3: (Pouts.) "Fine. I won't use that set. But I get to redo this turn."

Player 1: "Fair enough."

Player 3: (Straightens all of his cards and puts the Angel card aside.) "Draw...okay, this should be acceptable. I tap the Jusenkyo pools to turn Ranma into a girl token again, and I tap the two swamps for one dark ritual - which gives me three mana - and just plain use the other one. That's four mana, so I can bring out my Balthasar card."

Player 2: (Scowls) "That's still Second Impact, man."

Player 3: "What?!? It's not that great of a card! All it does is let me look at the top card of my library and discard it to the bottom if I want!"

Player 1: "I'm fine with that."

Player 2: "...Fine. But no tricky stuff, all right?"

Player 3: "Right. Whatever. I'm...wait. I've still got that Pestilence enchantment out, right?"

Player 1: "It's right in front of you, dude."

Player 3: "Rhetorical question, dipshit. Well, that changes everything. I'm gonna tap that last swamp of mine to cast the other Dark Ritual I have. I'll use one of those to pay for the last mana in the casting cost of my Balthasar card, and I'll use the other two to pump into my Pestilence. It deals two damage to each creature and player. Which means, incidentally, that your Ranma is dead, Mr. Man. Your turn."

Player 1: (Scowls) "That kills my Serra, too." (Puts the card in his graveyard.) "I'm at...twenty three life."

Player 2: "Seventeen."

Player 3: "Eight."

Player 1: "Okay, then." (Draws a card after untapping all of his tapped cards.) "Well, I guess..." (Thinks for a moment, then shrugs and taps six mana.) "Escaflowne." (Sets down a card. It is a white card with a picture of Escaflowne on it.)

Player 2: (Grimaces.) "Never liked that card, myself. Sure, it's powerful, but whatever damage it takes is also dealt to you. Which can really, really suck if you play a burn deck. Like mine. Hint hint." (Leans over and whispers loudly enough for everyone to hear.) "I'll let you take that back if you want to."

Player 1: (Shakes his head.) "Nope. With white, I have a bunch of life gain cards, and that's the key to successfully utilizing an Escaflowne card."

Player 2: "..."

Player 3: "...Okay, Professor..."

Player 1: "Just shut up and go."

Player 2: (Untaps and draws a card. Smiles malevolently.) "Absolutely excellent. Okay, I'm putting out an Urza's Tower, which gives me the complete Urza's set and makes you both legally dead." (Places a card on the table and then taps all of his land cards) "Tapping two red mana for the casting cost of my Fanning the Flames, and two to buy it back - which means I get to keep the card even after I've used it. The other..." (Counts to himself) "...eight mana go to destroying your Escaflowne, incidentally dealing eight damage to you, too. Now go."

Player 1: (Looks at his hand for a second before shrugging and discarding his Escaflowne) "Fair enough. I'm at fifteen life."

Player 3: (Shivers; aside to Player 1) "We're dead. You know that, right?"

Player 1: (Smirks) "Just hold your horses."

Player 2: (Rolls his eyes) "Great. That means good news for me, doesn't it?"

Player 1: (Smiles malevolently) "Why, whatever do you mean?"

Player 3: (Smirks and shakes his head) "Whatever." (Untaps and draws a card) "...Okay, that's total crap. I'll pay for the upkeep on my Jusenkyo Pools, and then I'll tap two swamps for an Order of the Ebon Hand. Go."

Player 1: (Untaps and draws) "Mua ha ha. My deck serves me well yet again." (Taps all seven of his land) "Lina Inverse." (The card has a green background and has a picture of Lina casting a Dragon Slave on it)

Player 2: (Looks at the creature in confusion) "Swords and Sorcery expansion? Never played it, myself." (Points to Lina) "What's it do?"

Player 1: "SHE is unaffected by summoning sickness, and by tapping her, I can counter any spell. Your turn, my friend."

Player 2: (Scowls) "This bodes ill for my deck..." (Shrugs and untaps his cards, then draws another) "Well...I guess I'll...tap all of my mana to cast and buyback my Fanning the Flames for eight damage, again." (Points to Player 3) "You're dead."

Player 3: (Scowls) "Poop face. Okay, fast effect before I die: I'm tapping all six of my mana and pumping it into my Pestilence. Six damage to each of you fools and to your Lina, too." (Smiles triumphantly) "I may be dead, but I can cause some trouble before I go!"

Player 1: "Crap. Well, that's that, then." (Discards Lina) "I'm at...nine life."

Player 2: "Fair enough. I'm at eleven."

Player 1: "Can I go?"

Player 3: (Gathers all of his cards up and stands) "I'm dead, man. I'm out. See ya later." (Leaves)

Players 1 + 2: "Later."

Player 1: "Okay, untap and draw." (Pauses for a while, thinking, then shrugs.) "What the hell. Apocalypse. Destroy all of your land. After I do that, I'll play a forest, and tap that forest to bring out a Fyndhorn Elves. Go."

Player 2: "I will kill your family."

Player 1: (Smiles) "With what land?"

Player 2: (Gathers up his lands and puts them into the graveyard.) "I'll get you next time, Gadget - next time." (Draws a card.) "I'll put down the mountain I just drew. Yay me. Go."

Player 1: "Untap and draw...Okay, I'm going to put down a plains and I'm going to attack you with my Elves for one point. You're at ten. Go."

Player 2: (Draws a card.) "Excellent. I don't have anything to do. Go."

Player 1: (Untaps and draws) "I'll put down another Forest, then attack you again with my Elves. You're at nine."

Player 2: "Draw...I'll put down another Mountain. Go."

Player 1: "What's the matter? Can't do anything?"

Player 2: "Oh, shut up, Mr. 'I-Play-A-Really-Fast-Deck.' Now go."

Player 1: (Innocently) "Just asking." (Untap and draw) "I'll attack you for another point of damage. Go."

Player 2: "Eight, then." (Draws a card) "Mua ha ha. Your end is at hand. Another Mountain, and then a Mana Flare. All of your land produces two mana, now. Go."

Player 1: (Grimaces) "Yikes. Not good for little old me." (Untaps and draws) "Well, I guess I'll Belldandy, I guess."

Player 2: "You bastard. You have the gall to bring out a creature that can gain you five life per turn?"

Player 1: "That's what I did, isn't it? Now go, lest I destroy thee."

Player 2: (Scowls) "We'll just see about that." (Untaps and draws. Puts down another Mountain) "Tap all four land, producing eight mana - two for casting cost, two for buyback, and four to kill your Belldandy. Go."

Player 1: "I deserved that. Salve, then I'll attack you for another point of damage. I'm at twelve, and you're at seven. Go."

Player 2: (untaps and draws) "I'll play my Himura Kenshin. 7/3 without summoning sickness. I'll attack you for seven."

Player 1: "...schite. I'm at five, then. You done?" (Player 2 nods) "Okay, then. Uptap and, shit. Okay, well, I guess I'll have to pull another healing salve. Nothing else for me to do. I'm at eight. Go."

Player 2: (Scowls) "Bastard" (Untaps and draws) "I'll attack you with my Kenshin and Fanning the Flames you for four. You're at four regardless, but are you gonna block the Kenshin with your Elves?"

Player 1: "No, I thought I'd just go ahead and die. Of COURSE I'm going to block!" (Shakes his head as he puts his Elves into his graveyard) "You done?"

Player 2: (Scowls again) "Hey, I was just asking."

Player 1: "...A stupid question, I know. You done?" (Player 2 nods) "Fine. Untap, upkeep, draw...damnit damnit damnit. I concede."

Player 2: (Smiles) "Couldn't take the heat?"

Player 1: (Gathers up his cards) "Shut up."

Player 2: (Also gathers up his own cards) "Just kidding, man. Good game."

Player 1: "You too. Hey, I just remembered: have you heard about that new Crystal Tokyo expansion, or whatever the hell it's called?"

Player 2: "Yeah. What's with that, man? The cards are supposed to be a bunch of teenaged girls, or some shit. And they're even trying to get a story behind the cards!"

Player 1: "Yeah, I know. They're just trying to get girls interested in the game. What I'm looking forward to is the Bounty Hunter set that's supposed to be released this summer."

Player 2: "What's that?"

Player 1: (Surprised) "You haven't heard? They're releasing a new set that's space-based. It's supposed to have a bunch of weird creatures as the bounties, and some extra-rare cards as the bounty hunters. Another lame attempt at putting a story behind an expansion, but the cards are supposed to kick ass, so I'm not complaining."

Player 2: (Shrugs) "Whatever. I gotta go, man. See ya." (Stands up and leaves)

Player 1: "Later."

END (finally)