Summary: "When I was born my parents called me 'Ina', that means mother. Like all I was fated to do and be in this world was to become one." Integral's birth, in her mother's POV. Short, one shot.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! All belongs to Kouta Hirano. I just took the liberty to name Mrs. Wingates Hellsing, Ina.
Author's Notes: Since there's nothing told of Integra's mother, except she probably has hindu ancestors, there's nothing to be told about her personality. I also made this an A/U (there's a picture of Mrs. Wingates Hellsing holding baby Integra canonically. I made the woman of that photo, Integra's aunt in the fic). I got inspired after re-reading The Silmarillion by Míriel's tale and I like to write weird fics.
Special Thanks: To my dear beta reader Puck 3/4 Thanks! *bows*
So this it is. This is the day… We have been together during all these long months and now we must grow apart…
Relief mixed with sadness. I would rather choose to be together forever.
I can feel Lionel's warm hand into mine, his grip a bit too strong. Telling me to push and to not forget to breath. Hn. Honestly, I may not posses his intelligence but I know this already. Female instinct.
But it hurts so much, I hope you don't feel the same honey. It's like your whole body ripping out, splitting me in two. There have been complications, some medical condition I can't recall knowing, nor I caring, that it could kill us both. But I opposed an abortion. I've been a coward most of my life, at least in this I will be brave.
Just for you.
Unlike Shakespeare, I do think there's a lot inside a name. For sometimes it guides or destiny. Or to those too weak to go against the expectations of the ones who named them.
When I was born my parents called me 'Ina', that means mother. Like all I was fated to do and be in this world was to become one. My whole education as a child was preparing myself to breed. I was a perfect blend of hindu and british nobility uprights. My dreams as a teenager were only to find the perfect man and marry. And I did…
Lionel's father, Arthur, had been in life a friend of my sire, a union between both clans was most cherished. I was content with my passive role. Lionel had always been a charming and warm individual yet stern. So unlike his brother. Richard… nervous looking man. He always envied his own sibling. I can see it in his eyes, so can Walter. But Lionel is too blind to the true sometimes.
A new wave of pain is spreading inside my body. Lionel's grip tightened, our fingers are intertwined.
He wanted a boy for he would love to name him Abraham. He once told me once that the new Hellsing would need his grandfather's willpower to pass terrible future tests he himself couldn't achieved.
I remember my husband's face when I informed him it was a girl. His surprised features contorted into horror after I told him how I knew. A hushed, dark, male voice whispered the secret inside my mind, the same dark presence I've felt the entire time around me ever since I got pregnant. Never in our years together I had seen him display such readable fear in his eyes. He rushed to the basement door to a great speed and ordered me not to follow him. He stayed in that place for hours.
Lionel was an honorable man… but he had several skeletons in his closet that he didn't want to share with anyone. Even with me. I could smell the fear he had for the future of our child.
"How should we name her? Elizabeth? Gwinevere? Lydia?"
We stressed for days about the proper name. He put so much effort because it must live up to the bloodline's high standards. I, on the other hand, desired to find my baby a good fate.
She would be everything I always wanted but I never had the courage to seek. Strong, determinate, intelligent. Someone born to lead not to follow, to master not to serve. And most important she will feel complete by herself without needing anyone else. Lost in my musings I almost missed Lionel state proudly:
"I beg your pardon dear?"
"Integral for moral integrity of course! A fitting name for a Hellsing!"
Possessing everything essential. Complete.
Another little push and it is over darling… the doctors keep yelling about cesarean but I wont be open. I will sacrifice my only moment of braveness for you.
A minute just passed, sixty seconds that seemed like an eternity. There's blood…so much blood everywhere, it blinds my vision. Even without my sight, I could feel you there. I can hear your silent sobs. I want to stir my arms and bring you close. But my strength fails me. The world is slowly fading away.
Lionel is shaking me, I can sense his despair trying to awaken me. The doctors are trying to inject me something into my veins; probably in an attempt to regain life.
But I am too weary to fight. I am too tired to please them anymore. The sounds and the light disappear already.
I only regret I couldn't hold you in my arms. But you'll feel no difference when my sister embraces you.
I was raised to be the perfect mother yet in the end, I rebelled against my role. You gave me strength to seek my freedom, to accomplish the only goal I have yearned all my life.
One final act of selfishness.
And as I allow myself be embraced by the cold arms of Death, I see glimpses of past, present and future. And I wonder of my destination.
If my father was right I will watch after you in Heaven, if my mother was I will probably be reborn and have a chance to meeting you again.
Regardless of what that would be I only wish something from you.
Not your love or admiration. I deserve none.
I want your forgiveness.
Be strong my Integral like I could not be.
Be everything but a mother.