MAJOR Gehenna novel spoilers! I mean it!

OH! YOU HEROIC GANGREL-MAN!
or "The last vampire action hero"

Beckett, the Gangrel archaeologist, is standing on a cliff, looking at the desert stars. His back is turned towards the audience. Suddenly a cheery piano overture begins. A female voice starts to sing in Japanese, and the English subtitles appear

FEMALE SINGER
High above the Red Star shines
One man looks up to the skies

The camera spins around Beckett to face him, as a male voice sings, also in Japanese and subtitled

MALE SINGER
Tries to save the Cainite race
When the world is set ablaze...

Becket tosses his hair and gives the camera a thumbs up. Cheesy rock guitars and synthezisers start to play. A montage begins with various scenes: Beckett running down a hall, Beckett shifting into a wolf, Beckett cradling a baby and Beckett defusing a bomb

BOTH SINGERS
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!
Up and down the world you ran!
Foil the ancient's masterplan!
Seek out the temples deserted
You'll see the doomsday averted
Help, before we're all undone
You can do it, Beckett-san!

Cut to a powershot of Beckett, Lucita and Anatole marching on a moonlit street

MALE SINGER
Peace and love and truth defends
Always there to save his friends

Cut to Lucita being chased by hundreds of pale fanboys. Suddenly Beckett swings by on a rope and grabs her to safety. Lucita looks at him adoringly

FEMALE SINGER
He's Lucita's shield towards
All the horny fanboy hordes

Cut to Beckett cutting paper dolls out of ancient manuscripts to amuse Anatole

MALE SINGER
He'll make Anatole smile
As the bodies start to pile

Cut to Beckett and "Kapaneus" riding across downtown Tokyo in the cockpit of a giant humanoid robot (Hey, it's Beckett! He *could* do that!)

FEMALE SINGER
He doesn't believe in Caine!
Hangs out with him all the same!

Chorus. Cut to Beckett facing off a large Assamite warrior, Beckett in a car chase, Beckett shoveling sand and Beckett singing karaoke in drag

BOTH SINGERS
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!
Ev'ry Cainite is your fan!
Finest member of your clan!
Find the purpose of your kind
See, when others are too blind
Without you Gehenna ain't fun
Please believe us, Beckett-san!

Cut to Beckett rummaging through a museum storage room as the C-part plays

MALE SINGER
Get a Noddist artifact!

FEMALE SINGER
Gotta find some more!
Gotta find some more!

Hardestadt emerges from behind a crate and grabs his arm

MALE SINGER
Try to avoid Hardestadt!

FEMALE SINGER
He is at your door!
He is at your door!

Beckett turns into mist and flees. Hardestadt is left shaking his fist

MALE SINGER
Won't find his elusive stats
Written up in any splats

Cut to Beckett getting his boots polished by Cesare

FEMALE SINGER
He would never have a ghoul
One exception makes the rule

Cut to Beckett scrathing his head in front of a giant bookshelf made of bones and skin

MALE SINGER
Here's another test to pass
For that crafty Vykos has

FEMALE SINGER
Organized it's library
Like guys in High Fidelity!

Vykos steps in through the door, looking at Beckett furiously

BOTH SINGERS
Look out, Beckett, here he comes!

Vykos begins chasing Beckett around a flescrafted table, waving a absurdly large meatcleaver, as the chorus plays

BOTH SINGERS
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!
All the ancient tombs you scan!
Learn the way it all began!
Hot like Croft and cool like Jones
Beckett rules and Beckett owns
Others like you there are none
We all love you, Beckett-san!

A giant text "The adventures of Beckett" is displayed in Kanji

BOTH SINGERS
Keep on fighting, Beckett-san!

The song ends with a slow motion shot of Beckett leaping out of a exploding skyscraper

We find Beckett in a tricky situation. He has been captured by three people who want him killed: The Ventrue Hardestadt, Jenna Cross, the thin-blooded firebrand and Okulos, Beckett's traitorous ex-ally. Beckett is chained to a dungeon wall

HARDESTADT
We finally have you, Beckett! Prepare to meet your doom!

BECKETT
But why? I never did anything to any of you!

OKULOS
EXCUSE ME?

BECKETT
OK, so I never did anything to _most_ of you! So what's the deal?

HARDESTADT
Well, I for one just like chaining people to a wall and torturing them for kicks. Why, I remember way back in 1444, when some fledglings... (Trails off)

BECKETT (Ignoring him)
How about you... what's your name again?

He looks at Jenna, who jumps and grabs Okulos' arm

JENNA (Screaming)
HOLY SHIT! Don't look at me! (To Okulos, who nods) See? He's trying to kill me again! (To Beckett) AARGH! Stop it, you sadist!

Hardestadt, completely oblivious to everything else, is still continuing his monologue

HARDESTADT (Waving his hands, describing)
...pulled out a pair of guns. And then she was like "This time, stay dead!" BANG! BANG! Oh boy, she thought she had me there! But was like "Not a chance, bi-aatch!"... Anyway, after that, I...

JENNA (To Okulos)
I just remembered, I have to go check on Uncle Jack. I haven't heard from him lately, I hope he's OK.

OKULOS (Nervously)
Yes... Heh, I'm sure he is.

Jenna leaves

HARDESTADT (Still going strong)
...so they were basically like "OK, we're screwed". But then I went like "Hey, have you guys tried diablerizing some neonates? I do it all the time for fun and this Withering doesn't seem to affect me". And they were like "Really?"... (Realizes something) Oh, look at the time! I have to go. You take care of him, old boy.

OKULOS
Gladly!

Hardestadt leaves and Okulos pulls out his Methuselah-Destroying Flare Gun of Doom

OKULOS
Time to pay!

BECKETT
WAIT! If you let me go, I'll let you have something very special I found lying around in the Tremere Vienna chantry. Something that Etrius stole for himself...

OKULOS
I'm not sure you realize how much I despise you. What could you possibly have to make me change my mind?

BECKETT
The Very Secret Diary of Goratrix!

OKULOS (Without hesitation)
Gimme!

Okulos opens Beckett's chains. He hands him an old book and then quietly slips away as the Nosferatu immerses himself in centuries-old rants

OKULOS
Oh boy! (Reading out loud) "Etrius got his ass kicked tonight by two Brujah neonates and their Cappadocian groupie. Sweet! I tried to give him a hard time about it, but he just laughed and said that at least he hadn't cut off his own dick like some people. I hate Etrius. I hate him I hate him I hate him! Oh well. Still the prettiest."

Suddenly a laughing hunter lunges from the shadows and starts whooping Okulos' ass

OKULOS
What are you laughing about? And what are you doing here? This is non-crossover territory!

THE LAUGHING HUNTER
Haha! Bull! The novels are UNIFIED! Hahhahhaa!

OKULOS
Shit, he's right! (Shoots his Methuselah-Destroying Flare Gun of Doom) Eat this!

The laughing hunter dies, but has the last laugh

THE LAUGHING HUNTER
Ha... Ha. The future, too... is... heheheheheheh-*urk*!

OKULOS
That was creepy.

NEXT in Act 11:
Hardestadt, De Corazon and Tyler!