Okay, so the plan *was* to do Nightmare Before Christmas next, but I'm having a bit of difficulty finding a proper transcript. I may have to type out the entire thing myself, which I am NOT looking forward to. Oh, well. In the mean time, I figured it might be fun to mess around with a Disney Classic, particularly now that I've heard they're doing a sequel.
Speaking of Disney Classics…anybody who hasn't already, I demand you go see the new "Peter Pan (2003)" movie. Never has a remake outdone the original like this one has. I saw it while I was in Florida, and it was AMAZING.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of X-men: Evolution are not mine. The movie Mulan is not mine, just the DVD. I am simply using them for my own, personal amusement. Oh, and yours, of course. The only thing I own in any possible way is Ryo, and I wonder about her sometimes….
A parody of Walt Disney's Mulan (duh!)
Written and Directed by DragonBlond
A Chinese guard is seen walking along The Great Wall. His face is obstructed by an army helmet. Suddenly, a large falcon swoops down and hits the guard, knocking his helmet off. It's Arcade. The falcon then lands on top of a flag pole in front of a full moon and lets out a large cry.
One grappling hook comes over The Great Wall. Arcade walks over to the edge and sees many grappling hooks coming towards him.
Arcade: *panicked* We're under attack! Light the signal!
He runs to the tower and up the ladder, just as Caliban and Sabertooth appear, trying to stop him. Caliban breaks the ladder with his sword just as Arcade reaches the top. Arcade picks up the torch to light the fire, and sees Apocalypse jump over the edge of the tower and look at him across from the caldron.
Though petrified, Arcade throws the torch into the caldron, creating a large bonfire. Apocalypse watches as lights appear in each caldron one by one, all across the Wall.
Arcade: *sternly* Now all of China knows you're here.
Apocalypse takes the Chinese flag, holding it over the fire.
Cut to…the royal palace. Large doors to the central chamber open as General Warren walks in, flanked on his left and right by various soldiers, and approaches Emperor Remy. He bows out of respect, then looks up.
Warren: Your Majesty, the Huns have crossed our Northern border.
Evan, who had been standing nearby, speaks up.
Evan: Impossible! No one can get through The Great Wall.
Remy motions for his silence, allowing Warren to continue.
Warren: Shun-Yu is leading them. We'll set up defenses around your palace immediately.
Remy: *forcefully* No. Send your troops to protect my people. Chi Fu?
Evan: Yes, your highness.
Remy: Deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces. Call up reserves and as many new recruits as possible.
Evan: New Recruits? I hardly think they've been trained enough for battle yet, sir.
Remy sighs, and rubs the bridge of his nose.
Remy: Not those New Recruits. I mean new recruits.
Evan: Ah. Gotcha.
Warren steps forward.
Warren: Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him.
Remy: I won't take any chances, General. A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.
Cut to…Jubilee using her chopsticks to single out a grain of rice on the top of a large mound.
Jubilee: *dryly* Clever.
Just say your lines like a good little character.
Jubilee: Quite and demure…graceful…polite…
She picks up some more rice with the chopstick, eating a mouthful before continuing.
She sets her chopsticks down and write down one final word on her right arm.
Jubilee: Punctual. …who came up with this stuff, anyway?
A cock crows outside.
Jubilee: Aiya! *calls out* Little brother! Little brother! Little—
Lockheed comes running up to her, wagging his little dragon tongue.
Jubilee: Ah, there you are. Who's' the smartest doggie in the world? Come on, smart boy. Can you help me with my chores today?
Jubilee ties a sack of grain around Lockheed's waist, then ties a stick so the end is in front of his face. She puts a bone on the end of the stick, just out of reach. As she opens the door, Lockheed runs into the door frame, the out the open door…passing by the chickens, and Khan—the family horse.
Jubilee: Using an actual character from the movie, are we now? And here I thought you were gonna stick Jean in a costume, or something.
Well, that was the plan…'till I realized I need her later.
Cut to…Jubilee's "father," Logan, kneeling and praying before the Fa family's ancestors.
Logan: Honorable ancestors, please help me get out of these stupid parodies. My healing powers can only do so much…oh, yeah, and help Mulan impress the matchmaker today, too.
He bows his head, remaining absolutely still. Lockheed suddenly appears, running into the temple and around Logan before dashing back out again, scattering grain everywhere.
The chickens fly into the temple and begin feeding on the grain.
Logan: Please, PLEASE help me—I mean—her!
Jubilee steps up to the temple with a tray of tea and sees Lockheed on his hind legs trying to get the bone. He's already fried it to a crisp. Still, she bends the stick down so that he can reach it. He gnaws on the charred bone happily, as Jubilee continues towards the temple.
Jubilee: *calling out* Father, I brought your—whoop!
Logan bumps into her. The cup falls to the ground, but he manages to catch the teapot with the handle of his cane.
Logan: *sighs* Mulan—
Jubilee: *quickly* I brought a spare.
She pulls out another cup from the back of her dress and begins to pour the tea.
Jubilee: Remember, the doctor said three cups of tea in the morning—
Jubilee:—and three at night.
Logan: Mulan, you should already be in town. We're counting on you to—
Jubilee: *finishes his sentence* Uphold the family honor. Don't worry, father; I won't let you down.
She covers over the writing on her arm with her sleeve.
Jubilee: Wish me luck!
With that, she hurries back down the stairs.
Logan watchers her leave, stares down at the tea, then reaches behind one of the statues and pulls out a flask. He pours a few drops in the cup before pausing to think…and dumps the whole thing in. Downing the whole thing in one gulp, he tosses the cup away, but is still uneased.
Logan: I'm going to…pray some more.
He turns and walks back into the temple.
Cut to…the town, where Ororo stands, looking worried.
Ryo pokes her head out of the nearby building.
Ryo: Fa Li, is your daughter here yet? The matchmaker is not a patient woman…and neither am I.
She ducks back inside without waiting for an answer.
Ororo: *to herself* Of all days to be late… I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck.
Logan: [off-screen] Got it covered.
Ororo: Not enough.
Agatha suddenly walks in, carrying a large cage.
Agatha: Oh, how lucky can they be? They're dead! Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need.
She holds up the cage, where a Cri-Kee Jamie is resting.
Agatha: *to Cri-Kee Jamie* This is your change to prove yourself.
Agatha covers her eyes, and steps into heavy traffic.
Ororo: Grandma, no!
The traffic barely misses Agatha as she crosses the busy street. Two horse and carriages collide causing a big accident. Roadside havoc is wreaked. But she arrives at the other side of the street harmless, uncovers her eyes and looks at Cri-Kee Jamie.
Agatha: *smiling* Yep, this cricket's a lucky one.
Jamie passes out from fear.
Ororo: *sighing in relief* Hai.
Ryo pokes her head out again.
Ryo: Foul! "Hai" is Japanese, not Chinese.
Jubilee arrives on Khan, jumping over the recent accident in the street, and hops down with hay stuck in her hair.
Jubilee: I'm here!
Ororo gives her a stern look.
Jubilee: …what? But Mama, I had to…
Ororo: None of your excuses. Now, let's get you cleaned up.
They walk into the preparation area.
**cue music: "Honor To Us All"**
[Ryo begins to undress her behind a curtain, all the while taking note of what must be done.]
is what you give me to work with?
Well, honey, I've seen worse.
We're gonna turn this sow's ear…
Ryo: …into a silk purse.
[She moves the silk partition aside, showing Jubilee in the bathtub.]
Jubilee: Haven't these people ever heard of privacy?! Not to mention, the water's freezing!
Ororo: Well, it would have been warm if you were here on time.
[Ryo starts to wash the younger girl's hair.]
have you washed and dried
Primped and polished 'till you glow with pride
Trust my recipe for instant bride.
Jubilee: "Just add water"?
Ryo: *glaring slightly* You'll bring honor to us all.
[Ororo grabs a sponge and Jubilee's right arm to start cleaning her, when she notices the writing.]
Ororo: Mulan, what's this?
[Jubilee pulls her arm back and bats her eyelashes innocently.]
Jubilee: Ahh…notes? In case I forget something?
Agatha: *to Ororo* Here, hold this. We'll need more luck than I thought.
[She hands the cricket to Ororo. Jubilee looks on with an air of disappointment.]
[Cut to…the hairdressers. Rogue is brushing and combing Jubilee's hair, much to her chagrin.]
When we're through
[Wanda is doing the same as Rogue.]
Wanda: Boys will gladly go to war for you.
Rogue: With good fortune
Wanda: And a great hairdo
[They finalize the hairdo, a traditional Chinese loose bun.]
Rogue/Wanda: You'll bring honor to us all.
[Jubilee, following Ororo, passes a xiangqi (Chinese game) and pauses to make an impressive mood. She has a smug look on her face, until Ororo comes back and drags her away.]
& others: A girl can bring her family great honor in one way
By striking a good match…and this could be the day
[Kitty, Rahne, and Ororo all help Jubilee get properly dressed.]
Kitty: Men want girls with good taste.
Kitty: Who work fast-paced.
Ororo: With good breeding
Rahne: And a tiny waist.
[Rahne pulls the corset under Jubilee's dress TIGHT.]
Kitty/Rahne/Ororo: You'll bring honor to us all
Jubilee: Man, Kiera Knightley wasn't kidding. "You like pain? Try wearing a corset." Indeed!
[As Jubilee is once again following Ororo, she sees Leech stealing a doll from Torpid. Grabbing it back, she returns the doll to its proper owner. Torpid smiles thankfully at her.]
all must serve our Emperor
Who guards us from the Huns
A man by bearing arms
A girl by bearing sons
Jubilee: Hey, waitasec…
Ororo: *shrugs* Just go with it.
[Jubilee sits in a chair as Tabby does her makeup. Powder, lipstick, eyeliner…the works.]
we're through, you can't fail
Like a lotus blossom, soft and pale
How could any fellow say "no sale"?
You'll bring honor to us all
[Tabby holds a mirror so Jubilee can see her reflection.]
Jubilee: …I look like a Geisha.
Tabby: That's the point.
[Not satisfied, Jubilee takes a single, short bang and brings it down in front of her forehead. Unfortunately, Ororo places a hair comb at the last minute, pushing back the bang.]
Ororo: There. You're ready.
Agatha: Not yet!
[One by one, she gives Jubilee a bunch of random objects.]
Agatha: An apple
for serenity…a pendant for balance…*sings* beads of jade for beauty….
You must proudly show it
[She lifts Jubilee's chin high with one hand]
Agatha: Now add a cricket just for luck.
[She places the cage with Cri-Kee Jamie under Jubilee's sash in the back. Jamie doesn't look too pleased.]
Agatha: …and even you can't blow it.
Jubilee: *sarcastically* Thanks for having such confidence in me.
[Heading down the street, she rushes to catch up with the other four maidens—Amara, Amanda, X23, and Danielle.]
Ancestors, hear my plea
Help me not to make a fool of me
And to not uproot my fam'ly tree
Keep my father standing tall.
[Ororo hands her a parasol as she runs to fall in line with the others.]
than the undertaker.
We are meeting our matchmaker.
Jubilee: *sings* Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
A/A/X/D: Wrong movie.
[The townspeople gather to watch them along.]
guard our girls
And our future as it fast unfurls
Please look kindly on these cultured pearls
Each a perfect porcelain doll
X23: *glaring* I do not find this amusing…
Amara: Please bring honor to us…
Amanda: Please bring honor to us…
X23: Please bring honor to us…
Danielle: Please bring honor to us…
All: Please bring honor to us all!
[The five girls all arrive at the matchmaker's house, form a line, open their parasols and crouch down.]
* * * * *
And so the insanity begins again, minna! ^_~ Now that Primary Colors has FINALLY been updated, I'll try for once a week updates. Maybe sooner. My schedule is kinda up in the air right now. Until next time!
R+R. You know you wanna…