The Mage and the Moron
Ranma awoke in a predicament that for him was far too common, airborne. Seeing their friends on the moon had distracted Nabiki and Ranma for several hours. They did not get back to the Dojo till after midnight. The fathers had been found in a drunken stupor, and it had been Ranma's hope that as a result he would get to sleep in this morning. Sadly it was not to be so. With a quickly muttered incantation to alter his trajectory and a flip, Ranma landed on one of the rocks bordering the koi pond, instead of in it as his father had intended. Ranma watched as his father leapt out the window with the apparent intention to pound his supposedly drenched child. Ranma leaped into the air to beat his father senseless.
"Damnit Oyagi!" With said cry, the battle was joined.
The sounds of combat roused Nabiki from her slumber. Muttering obscenities towards martial artists (not including Ranma in that category as he was a fellow wizard) and morning people in general, Nabiki made her way downstairs. Entering the kitchen, Nabiki silently thanked the Bright Powers for the invention of coffee. Nita had sent a coffee maker and supplies shortly after they had met a few years ago. Nita now regularly sent more filters and Nabiki's favorite flavored coffee. This and the new Starbucks kept Nabiki well supplied with her favorite stimulant.
As Nabiki made herself comfortable at the table to await Kasumi's most excellent repast, a resounding splash drew her attention to the yard. The black and white bulk floating in the koi pond confirmed her suspicions. Acknowledging Ranma's morning wave with a nod of her head, Nabiki turned her attention inward as Ranma went to the furoba to get ready for school. With the engagement and elder Saotome's apparent intention to freeload, Ranma and Nabiki had quickly surmised that he would be attending the same school as her and Akane. Thus they had made the necessary arrangements the previous night. At that thought, Nabiki began to review the events of the night before, Ranma's story and the fact that Ranma looked GOOD in a tank top and boxers. Picking up Ranma's embarrassment from the other room, Nabiki quickly clamped down on those type of thoughts. She had forgotten a paired wizards tendency to link telepathically with their partner. Both she and Ranma had gotten out of the habit while he was away, but it was apparently reforming due to their renewed proximity. Neither minded but it could be difficult sometimes to keep thoughts and feelings private. Nabiki's musings were interrupted by her sister's return from her morning run.
'Ranma, did you remember to follow my suggestion with the door?' Nabiki sent.
'Yeah, why?' Came Ranma's reply
'Because Akane is…' Nabiki's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of wood splintering and screaming. Akane had apparently ignored the 'IN USE' sign and gotten frustrated by the fact that the inner door would not open (Ranma had a broomstick in the way). So in her infinite wisdom had ripped the door off its track. The screaming was her discovering that the furoba was is use by the one boy who dared defeat her (not that Akane was admitting defeat, the fact that he could toss her around like a rag doll was conveniently forgotten).
Having previously gotten Ranma's assurance that he would not take any unprovoked attack from her sister, Nabiki was not surprised to see the nude form of her sister come flying out of the furo and land in the koi pond. As the panda was just getting out, this resulted in it getting knocked back in. The scene ended with Nabiki's raised eyebrow as Genma Saotome attempted to become the first panda in orbit. Ranma was found sitting at the table, (both Nabiki and Akane wondered how he moved so fast) dressed in his usual Chinese clothes. Knowing (but refusing to admit) that an attempt at pervert bashing was just going to result in her getting tossed into the pond again, Akane stomped towards the furo to get ready for the day. Both Nabiki and Kasumi vowed to have a little chat with little miss perfect princess about her actions.
Breakfast was a quiet affair, which Ranma was able to enjoy from his place beside Nabiki. His father had yet to return from where ever Akane knocked him so there was no one to steal Ranma's food. Ranma readily agreed with Nabiki that Kasumi's cooking was the most exquisite he had ever tasted. The silence if the morning continued during the trip to school. Ranma spent the trip atop the fence, conversing with Nabiki via the telepathic link and ignoring Akane. He saw no point in being civil to someone who did not seem to know the meaning of the word. The silence was broken as they neared the school and Akane began her chant, initiating another of her morning rituals.
"I HATE BOYS!"
At Ranma's inquiring eyebrow, Nabiki quickly explained all about Akane's morning fight and the events that lead up to it. Quickly deciding that it was none of his business, though he would look into it some more later, Ranma quickly followed Nabiki into the school. His way was barred however by a wooden bokken.
"What kind of cur would forsake the beauteous Akane Tendo to consort with her Mercenary sister?" Said the pompous ass holding the fake sword. "But is it not the custom to introduce oneself first? Very well, I am Tatewaki Kuno, rising star of the kendo world. Blue Thunder of Furinken High."
Taken back by the fool in front of him, Ranma was caught unprepared and resorted to one of the founding principles of Anything Goes. The mastery of the insult.
"Why would I want to date a perverted, peeping, manic depressive, bipolar, lesbian, tomboy like her for?" Ranma asked in a loud voice, completely ignoring the red aura that sprung up around Akane. The aura was intensified by the fact that Nabiki was clutching her stomach and leaning against the wall laughing. The laughter was cut off and replaced by a glare at Ranma's next comment. "Besides, I am engaged to Nabiki."
"DIE RANMA!" Akane's battle cry cutoff any attempt by either Nabiki or Kuno to respond to Ranma's comments. No one in the student body missed the fact that all of Akane's attacks missed as Ranma dodged like a mongoose on steroids. Exhaustion claimed Akane and Ranma walked into the school building just as the first drops of rain began to fall. Nabiki took her sister to the nurse's office, occasionally chuckling at Ranma's description of the youngest Tendo. Meanwhile, Kuno went to find a dictionary, being confused by some of the words Ranma had used.
Ranma practiced wizardry with the same intensity that he did with his martial arts. Thus he absorbed knowledge like a sponge. When is father was around, Ranma came across as a dumb jock. At school he was anything but. More often then not he was seen with a book in hand, studying. Nabiki was well aware of the dichotomy and the reasons behind it. Both teens knew that if the elder Saotome had arranged Ranma's enrollment, the boy would have wound up in Akane's class. As it was, the simple matter of taking a placement exam put him in the same class as Nabiki. This would unfortunately put him in direct contact with Kuno on a daily basis. The kendo obsessed moron had not shown up for the morning classes however, having gotten lost in the library. Unfortunately Ranma's reprieve ended as the lunch bell rang. As the final tone sounded, Kuno burst into the room.
"You fiend! No mortal man can resist the charms of the Fierce Tigress Akane. Thus you must be using her miserly sister to steal her from the Blue Thunder. Know this cretin, none but I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinken High is worthy of the fair Akane's attention." Raved the empty-headed buffoon as he once again threatened the pig-tailed youth with his bokken. "It seems I must rid these hallowed halls of your foul presence. I attack." With that Kuno leapt forward in an attempt to harm Ranma.
Ranma meanwhile had been sitting in the windowsill with Nabiki in his arms. Nabiki, for her part held two bentos made by Kasumi that very morning. At Kuno's proclamation, Ranma leapt out calling on Kuno to follow as a classroom was no place to fight. Kuno eagerly leapt to follow.
"Hey! We're on the second floor!" One of their classmates called.
"So?" Chorused Ranma and Nabiki while Kuno panicked in midair. Ranma landed softly and gently set Nabiki down as they watched Kuno descend. Unfortunately the moron landed upon his head thus causing no real damage. As Nabiki stepped back, Ranma set himself to face his attacker.
"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!" Said a voice from behind.
Somewhere in Mongolia a bandana clad youth sneezed and swore vengeance once more.
"Here, you have her." A quick sidestep and a modified judo throw sent Ranma's second attacker at his first. The result was predictable.
"Akane my love!" The kendoist cried with open arms.
"DIE!" Was Akane's articulate response.
As a winded Akane finished laying Kuno low she felt a slight tap on the back of her neck before darkness claimed her. As her body fell it revealed Ranma standing behind her with his index finger extended while reading from a book on shiatsu points in the other hand. Walking over to Nabiki, Ranma jerked a thumb over his shoulder.
"If a picture is worth a thousand words, what does that say?"
Nabiki looked at Kuno and Akane's current position and immediately reached for her camera while trying to control her laughter. Akane's head rested face down in the prostrate Kuno's lap. Quickly snapping a few shots she walked back over to Ranma.
"She is going to kill him then come after you when she wakes up."
"Probably, but he should wake up first as the sleep point I used should last a few hours."
As the two teens sat down to eat, Nabiki looked at Ranma thoughtfully.
"You know, you probably should not tease her like that."
"You can't tell me she doesn't deserve it. What with her getting mad at the slightest thing and always blaming others for her actions. Besides, its fun."
"Your right it is. And you do have a point. So, what else do you have planned?"
"Well, looking at the two love birds gives me an idea." Ranma quickly leaned over and whispered in Nabiki's ear. This was just for show however as most of the information passed telepathically. Nabiki's response caused even more of the student body to be wary of the new boy. After all, what kind of person could cause the Ice Queen to laugh heartily twice in one day? The next words out of the pair's mouth caused Akane to twitch in her sleep.
"It's Ranma and Nabiki's Operation True Romance!"
Once he had finished eating, Ranma dragged Kuno off for a little chat. Unfortunately things did not go as planned. As soon as Kuno woke he attacked Ranma once more. Ranma was forced to restrain the kendoist in order to talk some sense into him.
"What you are doing in the morning is wrong and without honor." He told the moronic wannabe swordsman.
"What do you know about honor cur?"
"My family is as old as yours and allied with the Tendos by marriage pact. Though my family fell out of favor during the Reconstruction, I can still trace it back to samurai." This revelation had stunned Kuno speechless for the first time in his life. "The damage you are doing to Akane just makes her hate you more. Would a samurai woo his love by beating her and threatening rape?"
"Rape?" Kuno squeaked out in surprise.
"Of course, rape. What do you think would happen if someone managed to defeat her? Would they stand idly by, or take her by force? That is what she fears. If someone can beat her, then there is no way she can fight them off if the wish to get more intimate then she wants." Ranma's curse gave him far more insight then most men.
"I never thought about that." As stupid Kuno was, he was not vicious or vindictive. He, in his own screwed sense of honor would never have forced himself on someone. (1) "What do you suggest I do?"
"Call of the fights. Also seeing as you like Shakespeare so much, take a cue from him. After all, did Romeo woo Juliet with battle or sonnets?" With that Ranma release Kuno and vanished back to the classroom.
Ranma and Nabiki had been back in class not five minutes when they heard the intercom come on.
GREETINGS FELLOW STUDENTS! HEAR THE WORDS OF THE SCION OF KUNO! THOSE WHO WISH TO WOO THE FAIR AKANE MUST NOW DO SO AS ROMEO DID JULIET. ANY WHO DO NOT SHALL FACE MY WRATH. SO SPEAKS THE SCION OF KUNO.
'What did you say to him?'
'Nothin much really, just opened his eyes is all.'
The following morning found Akane in a foul mood. She had not gotten much sleep as no sooner had the moon risen then suitor after suitor used poetry, prose and song to try and get her attention, Kuno being one of the worst. He had imitated a troubadour of old and sang love songs from below her window. It did not take long for Akane to run out of objects to throw at her suitors. She spent the morning meal glaring at her sisters and houseguest, wondering how they could have slept through the racket. Little did she know that Ranma and Nabiki had spent several hours last night soundproofing their rooms (or in Ranma's case, his futon). The fathers were left to suffer as both wizards and Kasumi thought they deserved some punishment for what they did. Suddenly Kasumi looked up.
"Oh Ranma I forgot to tell you. Your mother called last night. She said she was coming by to see you today."
Looks like I am diverging even more from canon. I may have to rewrite the first couple of chapters as I am writing now that Kasumi knows about R&N's wizardry. Sorry I took so long with the update. I had a major case of writers block to overcome. Also this will be the final update for awhile as I want to finish Origins first and maybe another story in between so I can get the timelines and continuity right. I also have a couple of non-Ranma fics in the works. My first non-Ranma in fact.
Also I apologize for the lengthy time in updates. I ran into a bit of writers block and when I finished this and another I forgot I did. So they languished on my harddrive.
(1) I will admit it seemed that he did in the original story. But if you look closer he only tried to force his affections, he backed off from anything more.