DISCLAIMER: You REALLY should know this by now. I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any other anime serieses for that matter, and I never will. Well, except in my Netrix world, of course. *slips into the Netrix*
AUTHOR'S NOTE (important): This is a fanfiction in the Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions series continuum. That means that if you haven't read any of the Funny Sessions fics, you WILL BE LOST. This fanfiction takes place inbetween Funny Session 48: "Silence Of The Spam" and Funny Session 49: "Mommy Can't Buy Me Love". It's also a sequel to "Cowboy Bebop: The Funnierer Session: Knockin' Up Faye Once More". Now that all of those formalities are out of the way, onto the fic!
The scene: a dim office, after everyone else had left for the day. Two young men remained, and they were about to get a huge surprise...
"Yo, Jay," said one of the men, holding up a small, headset-like device. "I'm gonna be the first to try it out.
"Dude, we're gonna get in serious trouble if we're caught, Mitch," Jay said, shaking his head. "I don't want no part of this Netrix thing. At least before it's released to the public."
"Aw, c'mon, man!" Mitch said, putting the device around his forehead and sticking a small probe in both of his ears. "Eh, you're no fun. When I pick up the phone, though, you've gotta answer. That's how this stupid thing works."
"You can't just jack out anytime you want?" Jay asked.
"Nah, they made a deal with some phone company, so whenever you want to jack out of the Netrix, you've gotta find a phone. It's stupid, I know," Mitch said. He pressed a button on the headset and jacked in to the Netrix.
"Whoa, this is awesome," said Mitch, walking into a small, Middle Eastern-looking room with an extremely fancy looking bed and eight very, very sexy women crowding around it. "This harem program kicks ass."
Mitch walked over to the bed. Immediately, the women began to stroke and caress him.
"I am getting such a serious boner," Mitch said as the women placed him in the bed. "This is sweet."
"So is revenge," came a voice from outside the room. Mitch sat up in the bed and gasped.
"Who the hell are you?" Mitch shouted. A tall man with long, messy hair and a beard entered the room, smiling viciously. He was wearing a neatly-pressed black suit and tie.
"My name is Vincent," said the man. "Agent Vincent. And I'm in charge here now."
Vincent took out his gun and shot the man in the head. Outside the Netrix, blood began spewing from Mitch's mouth in a comical fashion.
"Oh my God, they killed Mitch!" Jay shouted. "You bastards!"
(cue Bebop: Revolutions intro, set to the tune of Back In Black)
Back in black
I've been jacked
Into a crazy computer, that's whack
I've been cut loose
Like a moose
I got a rawer deal than a Genio booster pack
Now I'm back
Back in black
Yes, I'm back in black!
Cowboy Bebop- The Funniererer Session: Bebop Revolutions
Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop...
"Guess what Ed wants for Ed's birthday? Guess guess guess?" Ed shouted, running up to her father, Applederry.
"I don't know, dear," Applederry said. "What does Francoise want for her birthday?"
"This this this this this!" Ed shouted, pointing to the TV.
"We've already got a TV, Francoise," Applederry said, beginning to get annoyed. "And I'm not buying a new one. Why can't you want a pony, like normal little girls? I can get you a pony... in fact, I've already got you one!
"What the HELL was my horse doing covered in wrapping paper?" Andy shouted angrily, storming into the room. "You've got some 'splaining to do..."
"Faye did it," Applederry lied. "I had nothing to do with it whatsoever."
"Faye-Faye would never do something mean like that, Daddy," Edward said. "Anyway, I want that for my birthday!"
Edward pointed at the TV screen. On the screen was an episode of Pokemon: The Senile and Geriatric Tales of Ash and Pikachu.
"Pikachu, use Water Gun!" shouted a VERY old and wrinkled looking Ash, pointing at a very young-looking Magmar. Pikachu shook its head. "Uh... Leaf Toss? Ember? Medicine? I need some medicine..."
The equally wrinkled Pikachu stumbled over to Magmar, took out a wooden cane, and smacked Magmar on the leg. Magmar growled and breathed fire at Pikachu, who dodged it. Pikachu's swift dodge was immediately followed by a loud cracking noise, and Pikachu fell to the ground, groaning.
"I know what you should use!" shouted Misty, who was sitting on a bench ten feet behind Ash. "Some Viagra!"
"And that show is still number four in ratings with kids 7-12," Applederry said, shaking his head. "And number two in ratings with adults 65-and-over. Behind Matlock, of course."
"It was a commercial that Ed was trying to show you!" Ed shouted. "A commercial for the Netrix!"
"Wha?" Andy said, scratching his head. "The who-what?"
"Oooh, the Netrix!" shouted Faye, running into the room. "Don't worry about getting it for your birthday, Ed, I've already got four headsets ordered! One for each of us!"
"Really, Faye-Faye?" Edward asked, smiling. "Oh, wow!"
"It's my one chance to see my beloved Spikey again..." Faye said dreamily. "Oh, Spike..."
"So, what exactly is the Netrix?" Andy asked.
"Well, let Edward explain... you see the Netrix when you catch bountyheads, ride your horse, or pay your taxes! The Netrix is EVERYWHERE!"
After Ed had 'explained' the Netrix to Andy, she spread her arms and ran around the room, making airplane noises. Faye sighed.
"Well, it will be tomorrow, anyway," Faye said. "That's when the Netrix is released to the public. It's a super-advanced holographic world that everyone's going to be a part of! You can program the Netrix to do anything!"
"Oh, a holographic world," Applederry said.
"Like The World in .hack," Andy said. Suddenly, several corporate executive-looking men ran up to Andy and dragged him off, making sure to neuralize everyone in the room to erase their memories.
"I wonder where Andy went," Faye said, walking out of the room. "Oh well. I'm going to bed now to dream about the Netrix."
"I'm gonna go re-wrap Onyx," Applederry said, running off.
"Ed's birthday is tomorrow..." Edward said, skipping off to her room. "Ed is so happy!"
After Faye, Applederry, and Ed had left the room, the executives ran back in and threw Andy rudely to the floor. It appeared that he had been badly beaten.
"I just want to say..." Andy said weakly. "Under no form of duress and of my own free will... that the .hack series is gay. Thank you."
Meanwhile, in a corporate office somewhere...
"I swear, man, he jacked in to the Matrix, and he never jacked out!" Jay shouted, sitting across the desk from a high-ranking corporate official. "You can't release this thing to the public!"
"Now, even if I believed your story, which I don't," said the official, "I wouldn't care that this person allegedly died. Know why? Because I'm a CEO of a multibillion dollar enterprise, automatically making me a complete bastard. So, I'm going to shoot you..."
The official took out a gun and shot Jay dead.
"And then I'm going to release the Netrix to the public," said the official. "Good day to you, sir."
The next day, the Bebop docked at a port on Mars, partly so that Faye could pick up her four Netrix headsets, and partly so that the Bebop crew could go somewhere nice for Ed's birthday. As Faye went to an electronics store to pick up the headsets, Andy, Applederry, and Edward walked toward the restaurant where they would be celebrating Ed's birthday.
"Okay, Ed, we're going to Hooters for your birthday," Applederry said, smiling. "Is that alright with you?"
"Hooters?" Edward said, with puzzlement in her voice. "B-b-b-but Edward wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese's..."
"Well, I didn't know, so I picked the place that I thought a young man like yourself would want to go to, and that's Hooters!" Applederry said.
"Um, daddy... Edward is a girl," Edward said. "Even yesterday, you said that Edward was a girl. You even wrapped and re-wrapped Onyx for Edward..."
"YOU DID WHAT?" Andy shouted. "Oh, fu.... fu.... fuffernutters!"
Andy ran back to the Bebop as quickly as he could.
"Andy doesn't want to go to Hooters either?" Applederry asked. "I always knew that cowboy was gay."
Applederry and Edward entered the restaurant. As soon as they did, they were greeted by a loud cheer from one of the tables. As they looked over, they saw Jet, Gabby, Macintyre, Stephi, Kikome, and Catherine all standing up and waving at Edward.
"Happy birthday, Ed!" Jet said.
"Thank yoooou!" Edward said happily. Applederry and Edward walked over to the table and sat down.
"Um, Ed... why are you having your birthday at Hooters?" Gabby inquired. "Not trying to criticize your choice or anything, though!"
"Father-person picked this place out because he thought Edward was a boy-boy," Edward said, eliciting angry glares at Applederry from the others at the table.
"I see..." Kikome said, frowning.
"Well, I can't fault his choice, that's for sure!" Macintyre said, causing Stephi to elbow him in the stomach. "Uh... well, I mean, uh... that wasn't very nice, Applederry."
"Okay, I'm here," Andy said, walking into the restaurant and sitting down at the table with the others. He glared at Applederry. "If you ever touch Onyx again..."
"You too!" Andy shouted from across the table.
Meanwhile, inside the electronics store...
"Would you like to plug in your Netrix unit here and try it out?" asked the store clerk, as Faye put the four packaged headsets into a large plastic bag.
"I can really do that?" Faye asked. The store clerk nodded.
"Since it's the first day of the Netrix's release, we set up an area where customers can try their Netrix units out! Besides, it's best not to use it alone... that whole phone-thing and all. So whenever you're done, a store worker will help you exit the Netrix," said the clerk.
"I can finally see my Spike again!" Faye said happily, running over to the Netrix demo area. "Spike, here I come!"
Faye quickly plopped herself down into a chair, ripped open one of the headsets and put it on, hooked up the headset to the wall, and jacked into the Netrix.
"Whoa," Faye said, looking around. "The Netrix is... empty."
The area of the Netrix that Faye was currently in was a large, white room. A white room, with black curtains.
"Now all we need is a station, and we're set," Faye said. Suddenly, Faye was standing on a large train station platform. "Whoa, sweet!"
Just then, a tunnel appeared out of nowhere, carving itself out of one of the walls of the white room. Then, train tracks appeared, and a huge bullet train zoomed into the room.
"I hope that's not a ho train," Faye said as the train door opened. "If there's one thing I need, it's a smartass Netrix."
As soon as the train door opened, Faye climbed off of the platform and tried to get into the train. But before she could, a tall, scraggly looking man with long, gray hair and a long beard stepped in front of her, blocking her way.
"Who are you?" Faye asked.
"I'm the Trainman," said the man, "and you're not getting on this train."
Faye paused for a moment. Then, without a word, she kicked the Trainman in the groin, as hard as she could. The Trainman fell over, and Faye stepped over him and entered the train. The door closed shut on the Trainman, crushing him as the train zoomed back into the tunnel.
"I wonder where this train goes?" Faye said curiously, looking out the windows of the train. She could see nothing but darkness as the train zoomed through the tunnel. "This is weird... I want to see Spike!"
A short, black man wearing a New York Knicks baseball cap appeared, sitting in one of the seats. Faye walked over to him.
"Who are you?" Faye asked.
"I'm Spike Lee," the man said. "You said you wanted to see Spike."
"No," Faye said. "I didn't mean Spike Lee, I meant Spike Spiegel!"
"What?" Spike Lee shouted, standing up indignantly. "Somebody else with the name 'Spike'? Who the hell does he think he is? I'll sue his ass for copyright infringement!"
Faye sighed as Spike Lee fumed angrily in his seat. Suddenly, the train pulled into a new station, and the door opened. As Faye stepped out onto the station platform, she could see in front of her a large, white hallway with doors on the left and right sides, as far as the eye could see.
"Maybe Spike's in one of these doors," Faye said. Spike Lee hopped off of the train and started yelling again.
"If you find him, bring him to me! I'll sue his ass!" Spike Lee shouted angrily. Faye sighed and began walking down the hall.
Meanwhile, back inside Hooters...
"Here's a present from me and Jet!" Gabby said, handing Edward a large, heavily gift-wrapped box. Edward's face lit up as she began tearing through the wrapping paper.
"What is it what is it what is it?" Ed shouted as loudly unwrapped the present.
"Try to quiet down a bit, sweetie," Applederry said, his head turned away from the table and toward one of the small TVs in the restaurant. "Daddy's trying to watch a football game."
"Crater City has challenged the call on the field," said a referee, standing in the middle of the football field. "After the review, if the call stands, Crater City will be charged with a timeout."
The referee jogged over to the sidelines. He turned to one of his fellow referees and smiled.
"I love these challenges," said the ref as he began peering inside a hooded monitor, his face concealed from the crowd. "Oh yeah, baby..."
But instead of footage from the contested play on the screen, there was footage of Faye, tied up in Vincent's apartment in the last movie.
"Oh yeah, work those bonds..." said the ref, a large grin on his face.
"Uh, your mic is still on," said the other ref, causing the first ref to turn around and walk back toward the field.
"The reciever was out of bounds before he could gain control of the ball," the ref said, saving face. "The ruling on the field stands. Crater City will be charged with a timeout. Fourth down."
Meanwhile, Faye was still walking down the hallway, checking every door that she could.
"I wonder what's in this door?" Faye said, opening it up. Inside was Steve Irwin, training a baby to fight off a crocodile.
"Get him!" Irwin IV shouted, prodding the baby toward the crocodile with a large stick. "C'mon, ya bloomin' baby! Fight him off! Fight him off!"
"Um... isn't that kinda dangerous?" Faye said, walking into the room.
"Of course not, love!" said Irwin IV, smiling. "I'm teaching young Steve Irwin V to be safe in the wild, just like my father taught me! And his father taught him, and his father taught him, and so on and so forth! If I don't teach him to fight off a croc now, he'll just be eaten later!"
"Shouldn't you be teaching him normal things, like... looking both ways before you cross the street, and... not to talk to strangers, and... drinking your milk, saying your prayers, and taking your vitamins?"
"Nah, that's for wusses," Irwin IV said. "Now fighting off crocs... that's a man's sport!"
A loud crunch suddenly sounded throughout the room.
"Uh... don't tell the police about this, okay, love?" Irwin IV said. Faye sighed and walked out of the room.
"I guess this hallway leads to all of the Netrix fantasies that different people are having," Faye said. "But which one leads to Spike?"
The next room that Faye entered was a large room decorated with all sorts of baseball memorabilia. Plaques of hundreds of baseball stars had been erected throughout the room. As Faye walked around, she bumped into a man staring at a plaque on the wall. The name on the plaque read 'Pete Rose'.
"Um... hello," Faye said politely. "Would you happen to know where I can find Spike Spiegel?"
The man turned around and frowned at Faye.
"This is where my great-grandfather's plaque would be," said the man. "If they'd put him in the Hall of Fame, that is..."
"You must be Pete Rose IV," Faye said. "Sorry about your great-grandpa, but... he bet on baseball. And that's bad."
"But he admitted he bet on baseball!" shouted Pete Rose IV, tears appearing in his eyes. "Isn't that good enough for you?"
"Of course it's not!" Faye shouted angrily. "Betting on baseball is the worst possible thing that you can do! Pete Rose NEVER deserves to go to the Hall of Fame! I mean, O. J. Simpson made it to the Football Hall of Fame, but all he did was kill two people. That's not so bad. Now, Kobe Bryant... he's in the Basketball Hall of Fame. He raped thirty women and was acquitted every single time. That's pretty bad, and I would know, since I'm a woman, but... betting on baseball is just TERRIBLE. It's sick! Even Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin never bet on baseball! Your great-grandpa should be ASHAMED of himself."
Pete Rose IV cried loudly as Faye walked out of the room in disgust.
"Well, I'm glad that's over with," Faye said. "Betting on baseball... what a sick, sick society we live in."
Faye opened yet another door. This time, she entered a small classroom, where several children were seated. An elderly man with long, white hair was sitting at the teacher's desk, and a young girl was talking to him.
"I think I know this place from somewhere," Faye said, looking around the room and noticing the various magical artifacts, as well as the identical uniforms on the schoolchildren. "This is Hogwarts, from those Harry Potter books and movies back in my time... oh, how I miss reading those books... I remember this Harry Potter fanfic I wrote, where Harry and Ginny got together, because of course, Hermione's a bitch who-"
"HEY!" shouted the girl who was standing next to the teacher's desk. "What did you call me?"
"Hey, you're Hermione!" Faye said, smiling. "So, what's it like to be a mean, selfish, Harry Potter-stealing bitch?"
"Quiet down!" shouted the man sitting at the teacher's desk. "I'm trying to talk to one of my students..."
"Mr. Gandalf, cast a spell on her!" Hermione shouted, pointing at Faye.
"Now now, calm down, child," Gandalf said. "There's still the matter of that 'F' you got on your magic test last week..."
"What?" Hermione shouted. "I never get an 'F', there must be some sort of mistake..."
"Oh, it's no mistake," Gandalf said, handing Hermione back her paper. Hermione looked at it, clearly in shock.
"Then... what does this mean?" Hermione asked, staring at her paper. "I mean, this test is 90% of our grade..."
Gandalf stood up from his chair and pointed his staff at Hermoine.
"YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!!!" Gandalf shouted, his voice blasting Hermione across the room. Faye cheered in approval.
"Hey, you can't do that to her!" Harry Potter shouted, standing up from his desk. He pointed his staff at Gandalf and began to chant a spell. "Pontificus... Catholicus!"
Gandalf's long, flowing white robe and wizard hat disappeared, and in their place appeared a tall, white, pope's hat, complete with a new pope robe that wasn't nearly as cool as the robe Gandalf was wearing before. This made Gandalf very angry. He pointed his staff at Harry Potter, immediately causing the boy wizard to explode into bloody chunks. Hermione screamed.
"Aww, Harry was supposed to get with Ginny!" Faye shouted. "Oh well... I guess Gandalf's Netrix fantasy is to slaughter all of the Harry Potter characters. Meanie."
As Gandalf commenced his brutal, magical carnage on the students of Hogwarts, the phone in the room rang. Faye ran over to it and picked it up.
"Are you ready to leave the Netrix?" said a voice over the phone. Faye sighed.
"I guess," Faye said, frowning. "I didn't find Spike... and I should probably get back to Ed's birthday party."
Faye disappeared. As she did, the door to the room opened, and Vincent walked in, just as Gandalf had finished killing all of the students in Harry Potter's classroom. Vincent walked over to Gandalf and smiled.
"Was Miss Faye Valentine just in here?" asked Vincent. Gandalf, who had just bludgeoned Hermione to death with his staff, shook his head.
"I'm not sure," Gandalf said. "I did see a woman wearing a yellow vest... she had dark purple hair and very large boobs."
"That was her," Vincent said. "Thank you for your help."
Vincent shoved his hand into Gandalf's chest. The wizard's body began to shake violently, becoming a green and black mass of Netrix code.
"What... kind of... evil magic... is this?" Gandalf shouted as Vincent quickly took over his body.
"My favorite kind," Vincent said. "Well, besides the kind that would make Faye have sex with me."
Finally, the transformation was complete. Gandalf had turned into a perfect copy of Vincent. Vincent recoiled away from Gandalf-Vincent, and Gandalf-Vincent began to laugh evilly.
Back at Hooters...
"Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful presents!" Edward said, hugging everyone at the table. She had gotten a new videogame from Andy, a giant K-NEX set from Jet and Gabby, a silver shovel from Macintyre and Stephi, a saddle from Kikome, and a beautiful blue dress from Catherine.
"And thank you, father-person!" Edward said, hugging him while holding the 10,000-wulong bill he had given her. "Ed will buy something nice with your money, okay?"
"That's all the money I had,"Applederry thought. "Damn Andy, not letting me give Ed his stupid horse..."
"Sorry, everybody!" Faye shouted as she rushed into the restaurant, holding the plastic bag with the four Netrix headsets in it. "I'm a bit late, aren't I?"
As Faye ran toward the table where Andy and the others were seated, the manager of Hooters watched her, his eyes focused on her huge breasts, which were jiggling quite gratuitously as she ran.
"There... is a God... and he loves me," said the manager, his mouth wide open in shock. He ran over to Faye. "Miss, have I got a job for you!"
"Hmm?" Faye said, turning to the manager. "What do you mean by... job?"
"I'll pay you a million wulongs a day to be a Hooters Girl," the manager said. Faye's mouth immediately flew open, and everyone at the table gasped.
"Faye, no!" Andy shouted. "This guy only wants you for your chest! He's a sex pervert! Everyone here is a sex pervert! Faye!"
"One... m-m-m-m-m-m-million w-w-w-wulongs..." Faye stammered, a tendril of drool falling from the left side of her lip. "Sure, why not?"
"Faye-Faye, no!" Edward shouted, wrapping her arms around Faye. "No, no, no! You can't leave the Bebop to work at Hooters!"
"Sure I can," Faye said. "See, look."
Faye walked through a door marked 'Employees Only'. She came back out wearing blue jeans and a Hooters t-shirt.
"May I take your order?" Faye asked.
Andy turned to Applederry.
"First, you gift-wrapped my horse, twice," Andy said angrily. "And now, your perverted little plan to go to Hooters on Ed's birthday cost me Faye-Faye."
"So?" Applederry said. "What's your point?"
"Guys, don't do this!" Gabby pleaded. After the meal at Hooters, Andy, Edward, Applederry, Jet, Gabby, Macintyre, Stephi, Kikome, and Catherine had all returned to the Bebop, which remained docked on Mars while the Bebop crew and their guests tried to devise a way to get Faye back. Edward was crying in the corner, while Andy and Applederry were getting ready to jack in to the Netrix so that they could engage in a cool Netrix fight.
"We're doing it!" Andy shouted.
"Jack us in to the Netrix! I'm beating Andy's ass!" Applederry yelled.
"Kill him, Applederry!" Macintyre said. Stephi growled at him. "Uh, I mean... don't kill him."
But it was too late. Andy and Applederry jacked in to the Matrix, and appeared inside a small karate dojo.
"I'm going to beat you so bad, that Edward's going to feel it," Andy said, growling at Applederry. "Wait, I like Edward... I'd better not hit you very hard."
"That gives me the advantage!" Applederry said, punching Andy in the face and knocking him to the ground. As Andy slowly climbed to his feet, Applederry began taunting him. "Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!"
"What does that even MEAN?" Andy shouted. Applederry shrugged.
"Eh, it just sounded cool," Applederry replied.
"Do you even know what you DID?" Andy said, tears streaming down his face. "I... I love Faye! And it's because of you that she's working at Hooters!"
"Andy," said Jet's voice, being transmitted into the room by the Netrix's microphone link-up. "I'm going to download all sorts of fighting maneuvers into your head."
"Yeah, you're in the right, Andy," said Kikome's voice. "Heads up!"
"I know kung-fu," Andy said, shaking his head.
"Uh... so do I," Applederry said, leaping at Andy and launching a powerful kung-fu spinkick at his head, knocking him down again. "Wooo! I'm kicking your butt!"
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Netrix...
"So what if my boss finds out?" Faye said, walking down the long, door-filled hallway again. She had snuck into the employee restroom and hooked up her Netrix headset, jacking into the Matrix once more to look for Spike. "I want to find Spike so much..."
Faye walked up to another door and opened it. On the other side of the door was Vincent, smiling an evil smile at her.
"Hello, my dear," Vincent said, grinning sadistically. Faye gasped.
"It's... you!" Faye shouted. "But how? Spike killed you!"
"And now I'm finally free," Vincent said. "When I died, my spirit became encoded in the Netrix... and now it is mine to rule."
All of the other doors in the hallway opened, and hundreds of Agent Vincents spilled out into the hall. Faye's face became an expression of terror.
"Over five billion people logged into the Netrix on the first day," Vincent said evilly. "Soon, I will use one of them as a vessel to get back into the real world."
"But... but... but you said that you wanted to die!" Faye shouted. "Why do you want to go back into the real world now?"
"Because once I kill everyone in the Netrix, they'll be killed in real life! Then, with no one else around, I'll rule the universe! Mwahahahaha!"
"You stole that idea from the Chia Earth episode of Pinky and the Brain," Faye said. "You are one sick bastard. I'll bet you like to bet on baseball."
"That is not for you to decide, my dear," Vincent said. "You shall be my vessel! I shall re-enter the real world in your body! But first... I have something else in mind."
"What do you mean?" Faye asked.
"You see, there is one person in the Netrix that has the power to defeat me..."
"You mean Spike, right?" Faye asked, her eyes lighting up. "It's Spike, isn't it? He'll come save me, I know it!"
"NO, YOU IGNORANT FOOL!" Vincent bellowed. "One man to rule them all... he is known as... The One."
"Oooh, like that Jet Li movie?" Faye asked. "That was pretty cool... I guess I wouldn't mind Jet Li coming to save me..."
"It's Cowboy Andy," Vincent said.
"Say it!" Applederry shouted, sitting on top of Andy's chest and tickling his armpits. "Say it!"
"I... won't... say it..." Andy said, laughing insanely. "I won't say it!"
"Say uncle!" Applederry shouted. "Say it!"
"He's getting his butt kicked," Kikome said, sighing.
"Oh no, whatever shall we do?" Catherine shouted, her hand to her mouth. "Poor Andy..."
"Time to make up a lie about him being The One," Jet said, sighing.
"What?" Gabby replied. "What makes you think that'll work?"
"Eh, I saw it in a movie once," Jet said. "Hmm... maybe it'd be more effective if one of you girls did this. Gabby's my wife, so she can't... Stephi is Macintyre's wife, so she can't... Kikome, Catherine, which one of you wants to play the part of Faye?"
"I'll do it!" Catherine said, standing up. "Anything to help Andy!"
"Argh!" Andy shouted as Applederry continued to kick him. "Can't... can't take it anymore! Alright, alright, unc-"
"Stop!" shouted a female voice
"Wha?" said Andy and Applederry, turning their heads toward where they had heard the shout. Standing there was Catherine, altered by Netrix technology to look like Faye. "Faye?"
"Andy," Catherine said, walking over to him. "You can't lose.... the Oracle said that I would fall in love with The One... and I love you, Andy."
"Whoohoo!" Andy shouted. "Wait, who's The One?"
"It means you can kick Applederry's butt," Catherine said. "So get up!"
With a burst of strength, Andy hopped up, throwing Applederry to the ground. Then, he picked up Applederry by the legs and began spinning him around and around.
"Uncle! UNCLE!" Applederry shouted frantically. "I'm gonna be sick!"
Andy let go of Applederry's legs, sending him flying off into the wall. He crashed through the wall, creating a large, Applederry-shaped hole.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Andy shouted. "Didja see that, Faye?"
"Sure did," Catherine said. Andy turned around and saw Catherine's face staring back at him.
"Wha?" Andy said. "Where's Faye?"
"I am Faye!" Catherine said. Then, she began to giggle. "Well, not really... but what's the difference? I'm glad you beat Applederry..."
"Catherine, I know you meant well, but it's really not nice to play with my head like that," Andy said. "So I'm... not The One?"
"Nope," Catherine replied. "Never in a million years."
"I guess I'd better get back to the Bebop, then," Andy said. "I've still gotta convince Faye to quit Hooters."
A small phone lying by the corner of the room rang. Andy and Catherine both jacked out of the Netrix, just as Applederry was getting up from the beating that Andy had given him.
"Unnh... my head," Applederry groaned, stumbling out of the hole. "That's not fair..."
"Neither is this," said Vincent, slamming his hand into Applederry's chest. "With your leet skillz, I'll be unstoppable."
"ARGH!" Applederry shouted as he was changed into a Vincent. "I'm... sorry... Edward..."
The phone in the room continued to ring.
"It would be... so easy," Vincent said, looking at the phone. "But I've already decided. Faye's going to be my vessel. Wait a minute... with Applederry's body, I can destroy The One from outside the Netrix.... yes... I'll just make Faye my sex slave like I originally intended to in the first movie. Wait, did I say movie? I meant adventure. Yes, that's it..."
Vincent picked up the phone.
Back inside the main room of the Bebop...
"Applederry hasn't jacked out yet," Gabby said. "You really hit him pretty hard, huh?"
Suddenly, Applederry woke up.
"I see you're finally awake," Andy said, smiling at Applederry. "Well, take this!"
Andy punched Applederry in the face as hard as he could, knocking him out.
"What was that for?" Kikome shouted.
"I'm still mad at him," Andy said. "He'll wake up eventually."
"DAMMIT!" Vincent shouted, now inside a room on the top floor of a huge skyscraper. "I guess I'll just have to get Andy to come here..."
"You won't get away with this!" Faye shouted. She had been tied to a chair, across the room from Vincent. "Andy hates me now. I left him to work at Hooters."
"We'll see about that," Vincent said, smiling. "I believe that The One still has feelings for you, Faye."
"The... One?" Faye stammered. "You mean Andy, right? Oh, he's no One. He's a zero. Or maybe a negative ten. I mean, have you seen how conceited he is?"
"Oh, he will come," Vincent said. "Half of the special-effects budget of this movie is counting on it."
Back aboard the Bebop...
"Ed, we're going to get Faye back, okay?" Gabby said, in an attempt to comfort Edward. "There there..."
"You promise?" Edward said, looking up at Gabby. Gabby nodded.
"Once Faye sees how rude and perverted those people are over there," Andy said, "Faye has to come back to the Bebop, even if they are paying her a million wulongs a day at Hooters. Jesus, that IS a lot of money."
Andy walked back over to the couch and sat down. He put the Netrix console on his head.
"Andy, aren't you coming with us?" Jet asked. "If anyone can convince Faye to come back, it's you."
"Are you kidding?" Andy replied. "She hates me... I'm trusting you guys to get her back. Meanwhile, I'm going back into the Netrix to see how much butt I can kick. I might not be The One, but beating up Applederry was still pretty cool."
Andy jacked into the Netrix, and Jet and the others headed back to Hooters.
Inside the Netrix, Andy appeared on a crowded, busy city street filled with cars and people, who fortunately hadn't been taken over by Vincent. Suddenly, a pay phone rang.
"They're calling me back already?" Andy said, walking over to the phone. He picked it up. "Hello?"
"Andy," said the voice on the phone. "Do you like... scary movies?"
"Huh?" Andy said.
"Wait, no, that's not my line... oh yeah, now I remember. If you ever want to see your beloved Faye again, you'll come to me and get her."
"Wait a minute, I know your voice," Andy said. "I remember it from somewhere... it's on the tip of my tongue... you're... you're one of the Crank Yankers, aren't you? The mentally challenged one, right? Special Ed? I've got mail, yaaaaaaaay!"
"NO, YOU IGNORANT FOOL!" shouted the voice. "Grrr.... if you don't come, I'm gonna shag Faye, baby, yeah..."
"Wait, you're Vincent!" Andy shouted angrily. "How the hell did you come back?"
"That's all you need to know for now, my friend," Vincent said. "By now, you must know that you're The One."
"Nope, I'm not The One," Andy said.
"Dammit, I thought you knew! Oh geez, I shouldn't have told you... Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Vincent shouted.
The screen turned black.
"Look, I'm going to hang up this phone, and I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see," said Andy's voice. "A world without rules, or boundaries. A world without perversion, a world where I rescue my darling Faye-Faye from sick villains like you! I'm not here to tell you how this is going to begin, I'm here to tell you how it's going to end, and that's with me kicking your ass!"
"If you hang up, I will kill you," said Vincent's voice. "Hello? Hello? Dammit, he already left..."
TO BE CONCLUDED
*cue made-up song to parody Rage Against The Machine*
I'm angry at the world!
Disgusted with the world!
The world screwed me, so I'll screw the world!
I'm ticked off, mad
I'm like Bobby Knight
I'm like that old teacher you had back in the eighth grade when you didn't get an answer right!
Now I'm free, and I'm the renegade of funk
I'm quick like a cat and smelly like a skunk!
I've got a tire iron in my hand and a tire in the trunk!
So just... just... just... JUST PUMP IT UP!!!
*long stream of cussing with the f-word as 75% of the words*
And so, part one is done! Time for intermission... did you enjoy the return of The Funny Sessions? I sure did... so please review, m'kay?