AN: I own nothing and no one portrayed here. "Friend is a Four Letter Word" belongs to Cake.



To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.
End is the only part of the word
That I heard.
Call me morbid or absurd.
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.

They let me out of the Med Lab today. No more danger of my powers going out of control, and my head is quiet, no more voices. Or so they think.

I'm back in my room now, and having turned on the CD player I hear the Cake album you had lent me last time you visited. I still hear * her * voice, no, YOUR voice. That British accent laughing at the jokes I only seemed to want to tell in your company. The secrets we shared, the parties we crashed, the trouble we got into.

Is this how you were, before your soul got twisted into the tangled shape it's in now?

Everyone thinks it's because you lied to me that I'm so upset. And they're partially right. But not completely. Yes, it well and truly pissed me off that you had lied to me, AGAIN. But what's gotten to me is how alike I've discovered we are through the time that we were together. You were my best friend, you understood me better than anyone ever has. I was able to tell you anything and you didn't judge me, didn't think me weird or wrong for my thoughts.

Frankly the discovery that the person who could see into me so easily, accept me as I am so well without reservation is my mother and my worst enemy is rather scary. The people here would deny it without even thinking, but we ARE alike. We both wear masks; I with my clothes and makeup, you with your physical illusions. We both have a bitter core to us that doesn't allow us much optimism. We're both very realistic people, and practical to a fault.

We both also have a deep attachment to family. You've shown yours by your extreme, albeit twisted attempts to stay close to myself and Kurt. I myself am just discovering mine. Finding out I have a brother is one of the best things that's happened to me, and I couldn't ask for a sweeter brother than Kurt. He's such a good, positive soul, and I'm a happier person for just being around him. Because of that I swear with every breath in me that I will do anything to keep him that way, and not allow him to become twisted the way you twisted me. Kurt has so much love to give to the world, and because of that I have to keep him away from you. If you ever, EVER try to do anything to him like you did to me, I won't be responsible for the consequences. That also scares me, that I'm discovering the willingness to go to any lengths for those I love. The same as you.

When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me,
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me.

Risty, they say that there's a thin line between love and hate. I guess you can flatter yourself by saying that the depth of the hate I have for you now is a reflection of the love I had for you in the past. I call you Risty because I can't quite accept that you're gone; no, that you never existed. I'm not ready to call you Mystique yet; it's too close to that other "M" word that I don't think I'll ever be able to say.

I can't listen to this CD anymore, but as I'm now looking at the pieces from where I've smashed it on the floor I'm wishing I had it back, as I'm wishing for the friend who gave it to me.

God damn you Risty. For making me believe, for making me trust. And for still being alive to face me in the eyes of my enemy.

*but to me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word *