Harry's Humor

*

It was madness. Today was the first ever opening of Harry's very own show.

Harry was ecstatic. He went over everything in his head. Everything he had prepared to say was jammed into his mind, replaying itself over and over and over.

Everybody was excited. This was their first show as well.

"Yo, Harry, dude, it's almost time! Get it going!" A thin, balding man stuck his shiny head into Harry's dressing room, and Harry brushed aside the messy black hair, gulped down another couple mouthfuls of coffee, and grinned widely. This was the 'hello-and-welcome-to-Harry's-Show' kinda smile.

You know, the one that drove all the girls mad and seriously made him an enemy to all guys that roamed the earth.

It was time.

*

Harry bounded out of flashing doors, his arms wide open and flailing.

"Hello to all you Harry fans out there!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs. "Whoo! I love you all! I'm Harry Potter, and I'm number one!!"

The audiences went wild.

Claps, hoots, screams, and the occasional fainting in the aisles took place.

Another person slowly made his way out of the doors.

Draco smirked prettily. "Yeah right, Potter, you wouldn't even be number negative seven if our brilliant author didn't cut you a break and let you win all those fights."

Harry glared. "Well, anyway, as I was saying before I got rudely interrupted, welcome to Harry's Humor! I'm gonna be the amazing host and Draco here" — at this, he pointed a careless finger at Draco — "will be my assistant/"

Draco sniffed indignantely. "I wanted to be host too!"

"So?"

"Well, at least let me say the disclaimer's notes, please?"

A roll of the eyes was clearly observed from Harry. "Fine, fine, fine."

Draco cleared his voice, "All right, um, ahem… The-amazing-Harry-Potter-and-all-characters-belong to the magnificent-and-brilliant-JK-Rowling-please-don't-sue!" —a great breath— "ha! See, Potter, I'm just as good as you!" he turned his head.

Harry had disappeared.

"Potter? POTTER!"

----------

Harry half stumbled, half ran into the room, screaming bloody murder, his face scrunched up in pain and positively green.

"Ahh! Ahh! Wala! Wala! Ugh, God, 'elk me!"

Hermione, very much annoyed at being interrupted while reading, sighed and sat up in her seat. She regarded Harry rather coldly. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, Harry, quit mistaking Ron's dirty socks for pancakes!"

" Wala! WALA!!"

----------

"Ginny, my love, will you do me the honors of —"

"Hub, bub, bub, don't even say it, Harry."

"Huh? But, Ginny, darling, I love you! Why won't you marry me?"

Pause.

Silence.

"Um, you might want to ask the fact that you haven't bathed in four months and twenty-seven days?"

----------

Dressed in tattered rags and smelling like an overcooked eggplant, Ron was kneeling pathetically on the stage, trying all his might to act like an actor.

"Spare a change, gentlemen?"

The director's face lit up in admiration and happiness. "CUT!! PRINT!! That was excellent, Ron, fantastic job, I loved it when you played dumb and ate that centipede, however did you get it over there? Josh said that he forgot to put it on the set!"

Ron turned very pale. "Say what?"

----------

It seemed as though Draco's stress has finally gotten him. Enjoyers of what started as a peaceful Sunday morning turned into a series of Malfoy-in-nothing-but- underpants-and-a-hula-hoop-around-his-neck.

A pleasant sight? Not really.

Not especially if he's running through the hallways of Hogwarts, hollering like there was no tomorrow. "MUUWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! I am the evil hula hula Drake, and I'm GONNA do the HULA!!!!!!!!!"

Stomped, stomped, ran, ran, stopped, breathed for air.

Ran right past Hermione.

A blood-curdling scream rang out.

----------

Ginny fiddled with the hem of her skirt, biting her lip and obviously having something on her mind that she would loved to blurt out but did not dare do. "Um, Draco? Can I say something?"

Draco, a Game Boy in his hands, pressed the buttons on the tiny machine mercilessly, "Yeah?"

Ginny fiddled and tugged at her hem again. "Well, I—I've been thinking over the summer, and um, you know what I concluded?"

The player in Draco's game lost a life. "WHAT?!" Silver eyes gaped at the little screen in shock.

Another tug on the said skirt. "Okay, I um, you know this is very hard for me to say, but—"

Draco was now trying to get his player to shoot his ammo (unsuccessfully) "Oh, for Heaven's sake, SHOOT, DAMN IT!!"

Ginny jumped, and heaved another tug, nearly ripping the skirt material. "Oh! Well, um, fine, I—I—I can't say it! I don't want to hurt you, Draco! Do you want me to say it?"

There was an extra life scored. "YES!!"

She gave a nervous smile, "All right… I think we should break up." Ginny pinched her eyes shut, waiting for a terrified response.

"Oh, FUCK!!" was the result of a player dying and losing a life.

Ginny burst into sorrowful tears. "I knew it! I'm sorry, Draco! But I've fallen in love with Harry!"

Draco's eyes bulged as he stared hard and bitter at the miniature monitor in his hand. "Damn! I will never get these Mudblood shits!" he grumbled.

Ginny wasn't crying anymore.

She was mad.

"I know you're hurt, Draco, but there's no need to swear at me! I hate you! I'm leaving, have a nice life!"

And so a door was slammed.

Draco sighed once more, touching his Game Boy. "Fuck. How can my player die like that? Now, Ginny, did you want to say something? Hermione?" He looked around. "Oh, well."

The Game Boy was turned back on.

----------

So began an era of singing silly songs in the hallway. Was it fun? Yeah. Was it embarrassing? Yeah. Did they care? No.

"When you fall into a river, there is a boat!" sang Ginny.

"When you fall into a well, there is a rope!" sang Draco.

"When you fall in love…" began Ron.

"There is no hooooope?" finished Nevilled.

Did Neville get severely punished after this? Yeah.

----------

Let's say that pirates have ravaged Hogwarts and were terrorizing the students.

Let's say that Hermione was caught captive. Let's say she's crying for help: "Help!! Somebody help me!!"

Let's say Harry decided to pay hero, and so win fair lady's heart: "Hang on, my love! I'll save you!"

Let's say the pirates have erected a tree out of nowhere.

Let's say that Harry swung down from a rope hanging from the ceiling in an attempt to reach his beloved Hermione.

Let's say he crashed into that tree the pirates have erected to keep out unwanted teenagers acting hero.

Let's say this was the noise that followed:

CRUNCH

Let's say that Professor Snape rescued Hermione in the end and let's put an end to this silly scenerio.

----------

This was the big day. The day Ron was going to do it.

He was going to propose to Hermione.

He carried her in his arms, right up to the little hill where he had hidden the ring, and was trying hard not to giggle.

"Just you wait, 'Mione, I bought you the most glamorous gift ever."

He never saw the deadly rock lying on the ground. He never saw his foot advance toward it either.

And with a "Whoaaaa!!", Ron sent Hermione flying through the air, screaming her lungs out and cursing him in five languages.

SPLAT

That left Hermione in a pile of manure.

----------

Ahh, it was such a glorious, happy day! The sun was out, it was shining brightly, sneering down at them all, and the gang decided to take a spin in Draco's new yacht.

Their fun-fest was cut short when a sudden storm blew in.

"Everyone hit the deck!" Harry yelled, dropping to the floor of the yacht.

Everybody else did the same.

Minutes passed.

More minutes passed.

Yet more minutes passed.

"Why are we doing this, Potter? Nothing's happened." Draco growled, his voice muffled by lying on his front, with his face in the floor.

Harry gave a little shrug. "I dunno. I just seen lotsa people do it in movies, all right?"

Ginny gave a little scream. "AHHHH!!! The boat's sinking!"

"Everyone, quick! Grab a live jacket and put it on!" Ron ordered, scrambling up and running to the room they kept the lifejackets.

They all grabbed one. And then— "HOW?!"

Ron swore colourfully. "Oh, crap! I forgot to teach you! I forgot to teach myself!"

Hermione screamed as a huge wave hit the boat, "Jump! Forget the lifejackets!"

SPLASH

In the water, almost all of them floundered and nearly drowned. Hermione's keen eyesight sought for shelter.

There was an island not ten feet away.

They were in shallow water.

"I think we're save on this island. Wherever this island is." Draco said, climbing out of the water and trying to dry his hair on his wet shirt.

"We're on Nowhere Island." Harry declared.

"Duh, Potter."

"No, really." Harry insisted, pointing to a sign that said in big letters: NOWHERE ISLAND

"We'll be castaways! Like that movie, Cast Away!" Ginny exclaimed.

This was met by a series of "Yeah, Tom Hanks rocks" and "That movie is so damn sad"

Hermione suddenly gasped. "Oh, no!"

Alarmed, they glanced up at her, "What? What?"

"I just realized something."

"What? What?"

"We're stuck on Nowhere Island!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

----------

Once again, Harry leapt out of his flashing doors and onto the stage. "Hello again, my lovely fans!"

Fans went wild in the audiences. Three more girls fainted.

Harry continued. "Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have left for today, we shall be back very, very soon! I really have to leave soon… I've got a date with Ginny tonight! …I wonder where the hell Malfoy went…"

Scream, scream, from the audience.

Harry grinned. "Yes, yes, I know, she's a wonderful gal! Anyway, oh, there she is! I see her in the audience! Ginny's always been very punctual. Unlike somebody around here…" he glared at Draco, who had just appeared out of the door.

"What? What's your problem, Potter?"

"Oh, look who's talking, Mister I-gotta-go-to-the-bathroom-I'll-be-back-in-five-minutes-but-wasn't-back-for-two-hours. You have got to see a doctor about your bladder problem, Malfoy."

And so ends the first of many, many laughs.

*

A/N: Look! I'm keeping to my promise! I'm slowly starting to re-write the stories I've had before. I tackled the easiest one first, and that was Harry's Stories. Because FF.net doesn't let us publish stories written in dialogue form, I deleted Harry's Stories as well, even though I had three more chapters written for it. Oh well.

PLEASE review. I don't mind flames, they help me improve. Just don't put useless nonsense as a review, all right? I know this story sucks a bit, but I love reading humour as well as romance! Writing a humour that isn't a bit insane is kinda hard for me.

If anybody got confused reading that, let me elaborate. This story is written with the intentions of it being like a chat show. You know, the kind where they invite guest stars in, have little comedy skits, stuff like that. I love watching comedy skit shows like All That, and The Amanda Show, and that was what inspired this story! AMANDA BYNES ROCKS. There'll be more and more comedies coming, I just have to re-write all of them. I PROMISE to update soon!

Till then!

y myStiCaLYia